So I am transitioning
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02-09-2017, 11:39 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
Thank you morondog. Sadly I never got to see what was written there.

Also, because my mind is all over the place, I forgot some words in the previous post and want to fix that sentence
"He can't get over the fact that he thinks that the way trans people feel is all societies fault and that you have to just be okay with who you are."

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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02-09-2017, 02:25 PM
RE: So I am transitioning
(02-09-2017 11:39 AM)Leerob Wrote:  Thank you morondog. Sadly I never got to see what was written there.

Religious garbage about how being anything other than straight is sinful. He probably made his account here solely so he could leave that stupid comment. Dodgy

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If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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03-09-2017, 07:08 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
@morondog: Oh I see. Thank you for the defense then!

So last night I completely lost it and fell apart. I had some pot brownie. And once it kicked in, it did so strongly that I felt I need to lie down and sleep it off. But when I tried to sleep I just started crying. And then my husband came and I couldn't stop crying until I fell asleep. I am not sure which of the things that I thought, I also said? It's a big sad fog in my mind for last night really.
Today, Sunday, I had to go back to work. So all morning I hid in a meeting room to work, because I wasn't done crying.
I reached out to one of my coworkers to bring me a bottle of water so I wouldn't have to show myself this way to the rest of my team. He offered to stay and talk or listen or whatever. It was very nice but I just couldn't really and thanked him very much. He still checked in with me in chat though and I told him a little bit why I am this way today.
Also talked on messenger with my husband, as I am at work, and we talked things about our relationship and how we feel etc. We both feel like shit and scared and sad etc, but we want to talk more no matter what, because we were both feeling lonely in this as we both didn't talk anymore. We both acknowledge that as a couple we will be over at some point and we both want to try to stay good friends at that point. There is really too much of a bond and I want to have him in my live, even as a friend instead of partner. He is scared and worried about being friends, and we talked about that as well, and he said he will try.
For tonight, we decided to drink some beers and order food, and see where the evening gets us. If we need to talk more or cry more or just crash on the sofa to watch a movie or play a game.

PS.: I want to mention that this compassionate coworker of mine is also an atheist. How dare he act compassionate without an invisible sky daddy?! (excuse the sarcasm)

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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03-09-2017, 10:43 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
So sorry it all came crashing emotionally. Please also remember that beer can have a "depressant" effect so that may not be the best outlet right now.

Sending you a big hug:
[Image: smiley-gets-a-big-hug.gif]

Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket?
"Life is not all lovely thorns and singing vultures, you know." ~ Morticia Addams
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04-09-2017, 02:18 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
thanks outtathereligioncloset I don't drink beer really, it makes me moody and tired. But I do drink some rum and coke sometimes or Erdinger alcohol free which is also beer but without the alcohol I am fine.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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04-09-2017, 03:05 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
Erdinger is great, (as are most wheat beers), so +1 for that haha.

Hope all is well Rob. It is a stressful time for you, sometimes these things build up on the inside and you need a good ole cry to let it out. I found myself almost bawling my eyes out: first to a song [Queen - Show must go on] and then to Toy Story 3, mainly as I've just had a tough time recently, and I realised I've not given myself time to "feel" anything, and just ploughed through.

Keep it going, we're all here if you need anything Smile

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(18-09-2017 09:47 AM)vahaaao Wrote:  Irresponsible bachelor daddy
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04-09-2017, 09:46 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
(04-09-2017 03:05 AM)OakTree500 Wrote:  I found myself almost bawling my eyes out: first to a song [Queen - Show must go on] and then to Toy Story 3, mainly as I've just had a tough time recently, and I realised I've not given myself time to "feel" anything, and just ploughed through.

Yea you deal like me lol. Try to just get shit done and no time for emotions.
If you wanna talk, you can always pm me. Immoral atheists again helping each other like the heathens they are Big Grin Tongue

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04-09-2017, 10:24 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
(04-09-2017 09:46 AM)Leerob Wrote:  
(04-09-2017 03:05 AM)OakTree500 Wrote:  I found myself almost bawling my eyes out: first to a song [Queen - Show must go on] and then to Toy Story 3, mainly as I've just had a tough time recently, and I realised I've not given myself time to "feel" anything, and just ploughed through.

Yea you deal like me lol. Try to just get shit done and no time for emotions.
If you wanna talk, you can always pm me. Immoral atheists again helping each other like the heathens they are Big Grin Tongue
Ha, no worries, by the time I notice something is wrong it's been/gone haha. Same offer applies, if you need a talk at any time, drop me pm too Smile

When life gives you lemons, just remember you are an....
(18-09-2017 09:47 AM)vahaaao Wrote:  Irresponsible bachelor daddy
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05-09-2017, 12:28 PM
RE: So I am transitioning
So just a quick update for today because cool things happening.

So first of all, I am loving the fact that people at work do refer to me as Rob and he.
So I am really happy about that! I mean even on stuff like projects, scheduling, assignments, etc I am already listed as Rob.
Then today I had to leave work at 3.30pm (instead of 6pm) because they needed me to shut down my work laptop in order to change some things like my log in credentials for all intranet related things as well as my email. And because I am in Ireland, and the person that connects certain important things on the backend is in the US, I had to leave early so the times are fine for everybody involved.
So tomorrow morning, I have to go to IT first thing in the morning. And one of the IT guys has set time aside for me to change some other stuff about my name. Like the name of my computer in the network and such things. And also to walk me through a few things as well.

So things are very exciting at work right now. Work is honestly my happy place because everybody is just being normal. And me just not wanting to stand out or be treated differently, I feel good there. One of my team mates surprised me positively when I got back from my time off. Basically I didn't think he was this open minded and accepting. But actually he was one of the first people welcoming me back and being happy that I am back. That is great. It shows me that he understands that me or my work isn't changing.

At home is mostly peace right now.
We talked last weekend and so on, I mentioned it wasn't great. Mostly I feel it wasn't great because I am not a very emotional person and I was crying like a baby for hours. On the other hand it was a good thing that I did cry and that I was emotional because it showed my husband that I still care which he thought I didn't.
We both want to be together and stay together and we love each other very much. So I suggested that we should try a couple therapy with a therapist who is experienced in this particular area. He did tell me, out of the blue, yesterday that he wants to be with me. And this makes me very happy. I know he is very scared and confused but I also know that he is trying. And it is the same for me. After talking a lot and also just not talking a lot but sitting quietly together, I feel we got a lot of our thoughts out of our systems and it did help very much. We both now know what is going on in the other person's head and I think that is very important.

So today I contacted a clinic and enquired about a specific therapist who seems to be specialized in our area. I am waiting to hear back.
I also found a video (which I put in the LGBT+ threat because I want to add it to the resource google drive) which I want my husband to watch because it is from the perspective of a spouse whose wife became their husband. And this spouse is being very honest about all the fears and issues etc. I think it is a very valuable video. So I will link it to my husband some time tomorrow.

Yea so that is pretty much it.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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11-09-2017, 04:26 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
Finally had a relatively okay weekend.
I mean apart from the fact that my weekend was only one day long this time.
The husband decided he needs a quiet calm weekend and I gave him that. I needed it too.
I binge watched the complete series "Stranger Things" while playing Minecraft.
I did not eat pot brownies just because I got so emotional last time and that would defy the purpose of this weekend.
Yesterday we played some more Boarderlands after I got home from work.

I finally have an intro clip for my videos. So I will be making a video introducing that today.
I am also working on a video for other people who know somebody trans and the awkward feeling. I tried to record it on Friday but it ended up in like 20 takes and still no good result so I am writing a script for that one.

Also decided to fast this week. Mon - Fri. I wanna see if I can do that and how I feel. If I am okay during this week of fasting (emotional, physical) then I will do this more frequently. Thinking of one week fasting, followed by 3 weeks not fasting. But I will see how I am doing this week with it.
By fasting I basically mean a liquid diet. So I am drinking water, coffee, pepsi max, smoothies, and occasionally a juice or an icetea and if I feel I need to, i will also have soup. I am also going to take some vitamins etc just to make sure I am doing okay.

Last Friday I finally had therapy again. That was good. My therapist is trying to help me find a couple therapist. We talked about all kinds of things as it was 4 weeks without therapy. I even got a homework this time. Also he said I need to spend time with rl friends. And I am so split on that. Because I have rl friends and they have been reaching out to me. But I am soooo fucking insecure right now that I have turned them down... I am in this awkward place where I am socially transitioning but not medically and because I cannot do certain things like binding, I am far far from passing and that makes me feel very dysphoric and insecure. Makes me end up sitting at home behind my computer all day instead of going out sometimes.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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