So I am transitioning
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25-09-2017, 06:52 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
So my therapist told me a while ago that I need to meet friends outside of work and not only on the computer.
Now while I do feel awkward and unwell to meet people right now, I am following the advice and so far it has been good.
I met a good friend on Saturday to go to the Oktoberfest. And we were talking about this and that, work, life, etc. He asked me a bit how the transition is going. I figure because I am not really posting on my social media about it. I only don't post about it on my social media because my husband isn't taking to me being happy about the transition well. But that's a different story anyway.
Today I went to a friends work for lunch and met some people there. And the first thing I heard, before I saw, was "oh there he is" Smile He Smile So that was very nice.

Also I noticed I gained 2 or 3 kilo back over the past month, so I am hitting the gym again finally. I want to build some muscle and do some cardio. For now just cardio because I have to do this slow, get my body ready etc, because I don't want to rip that muscle back open.

Last week I didn't vlog. I wanted to but I dunno. I am odd.

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25-09-2017, 09:49 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
I've been bad about keeping up lately. Sorry about that! Dealing with work stuff and hurricane nonsense lol. Anyway- I'm glad you're doing well! Your intro to your training class seems perfect to me. I'd probably have handled it similarly since you're already out at work. No sense in trying to pretend that it's not happening for the sake of some strangers lol.
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26-09-2017, 12:17 PM (This post was last modified: 26-09-2017 12:37 PM by Free.)
RE: So I am transitioning
(24-07-2017 04:51 AM)Leerob Wrote:  For those clicking this thread and not knowing, I am transgender (FtM).

So last week was basically living hell. It drove me almost to suicide and I am very glad for my two best friends and for two people on TTA who were there for me.
I had to realize that I cannot keep living my life this way. My life so far has been a series of attempts to act the female and it is not working. I have been to therapy to try and find a way not to transition because my husband is a straight man and I wouldn't want our marriage to end over it. So I tried to find ways to deal with this without transitioning. It just ended in more and more pain, in depression, and when the suicidal thoughts started creeping back in, it was a red flag for me.

Last week I was almost there again and I had to weight survival against everything else. And survival is more important.
I did a lot of thinking and talking to friends. I was afraid to tell my husband without being prepared. During the last therapy session, I told my therapist that I couldn't go on like this and that I had to transition.
My therapist was very supportive and is fully on board. He promised he will go through this with me and I am very thankful for it.
So I asked for a couple session for this week so we could speak to my husband in a save environment.

But this weekend it turned out I had to tell my husband because I was acting weirdly about sex and intimacy and as explanation I told him I wasn't well and would like to talk about it during the couple therapy session.
So on Saturday I told him and I explained why I made this decision.
As expected he didn't take too well. He realized he is losing a wife so to say. He had questions and I answered. We talked and cried for half a day together and in separate rooms. Then we talked again.
At some point, because I work Sundays and I was so tired that I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore, I had to go to bed. We had been sitting on the dinner table quietly for about half an hour at the point and he said that he didn't think there wouldn't be much more to talk that night.
So I went to bed.

After a little while he came in the room to give me a kiss and tell me he loves me.
Then he left.
Then he came back again to tell me he loves me and kiss and cuddle a little bit.
Then he left.
Then he came back a third time to tell me that thinking about things without me made him very unhappy. And he wanted to try for a baby before I go on Testosterone. We hugged and cuddled for a while before he left and i went to sleep.

Sunday I finished work early and went home early so that I could be there in case he wanted to talk about anything.
Things were much calmer then. We spoke about some things, then we took time to think, then we talked again. Not a lot of tears anymore because we both decided to try to make this work. We decided to enjoy the time we have an so on.

I realize that he is straight and that one day he might just not be attracted to me any more. And I will understand if/when that day comes. But for now we want to make it work.

We are going to a festival in August, we will keep trying for a baby. My therapist asked about that too last Friday. I said I still want to try for a baby because I can so why not. I think it's a valid way to become parents and both my husband and I are ready to have a child. If I get pregnant, we will be great parents. If I get pregnant I will hold off on Testosterone until after the birth of course.

So next station, telling my mom, telling my brother, telling my friends, telling my work... Getting the awkwardness out of the way.
I found a specialized doctor in my city and I will call there for a first appointment sometime this week to make an appointment.
I will want to get a new hair cut soon. But I want to wait with physical changes until this all has sunk in with my husband. And I want to include him in all these steps. Maybe pick a hair cut together. Pick clothes together, etc. Learn how to shave your face once that time comes, right. We will see.

But yea, I felt like venting this. Because last week was hard. I barely ate, I barely slept. One panic attack was chasing the next. There was literally not a moment where I could have a clear mind. So I am happy the biggest pressure is off now and we can start to move from here.

So yea, again thanks to the two people on here who have been a great help for me so far. I am not calling out your names but you know who you are and I appreciate very much that you are a part of my support network right now.

Cheers,
Rob

PS: My therapist told me he will change my name on his papers to "Rob" and start calling me that after the couple session.

Great to see that you are continuing the move forward.

In my life, my best friend is currently physically a female who is beginning the transitioning phase to male.

My 18 year old daughter is in love and living with a guy who successfully transitioned from a female. He looks fantastic.

My 13 year old daughter came out to me 3 days ago. She will not tell her mum, my ex, because my ex is a throwback to the 1950s. But she came out to me.

I love my daughters with all my heart, and it is important to me that they are happy. Whatever gender they identify with, or whatever their sexual orientation is, does not matter to me in the slightest.

The heart wants what the heart wants.

So be who you really are, and be happy.

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26-09-2017, 01:12 PM
RE: So I am transitioning
(26-09-2017 12:17 PM)Free Wrote:  
(24-07-2017 04:51 AM)Leerob Wrote:  For those clicking this thread and not knowing, I am transgender (FtM).

So last week was basically living hell. It drove me almost to suicide and I am very glad for my two best friends and for two people on TTA who were there for me.
I had to realize that I cannot keep living my life this way. My life so far has been a series of attempts to act the female and it is not working. I have been to therapy to try and find a way not to transition because my husband is a straight man and I wouldn't want our marriage to end over it. So I tried to find ways to deal with this without transitioning. It just ended in more and more pain, in depression, and when the suicidal thoughts started creeping back in, it was a red flag for me.

Last week I was almost there again and I had to weight survival against everything else. And survival is more important.
I did a lot of thinking and talking to friends. I was afraid to tell my husband without being prepared. During the last therapy session, I told my therapist that I couldn't go on like this and that I had to transition.
My therapist was very supportive and is fully on board. He promised he will go through this with me and I am very thankful for it.
So I asked for a couple session for this week so we could speak to my husband in a save environment.

But this weekend it turned out I had to tell my husband because I was acting weirdly about sex and intimacy and as explanation I told him I wasn't well and would like to talk about it during the couple therapy session.
So on Saturday I told him and I explained why I made this decision.
As expected he didn't take too well. He realized he is losing a wife so to say. He had questions and I answered. We talked and cried for half a day together and in separate rooms. Then we talked again.
At some point, because I work Sundays and I was so tired that I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore, I had to go to bed. We had been sitting on the dinner table quietly for about half an hour at the point and he said that he didn't think there wouldn't be much more to talk that night.
So I went to bed.

After a little while he came in the room to give me a kiss and tell me he loves me.
Then he left.
Then he came back again to tell me he loves me and kiss and cuddle a little bit.
Then he left.
Then he came back a third time to tell me that thinking about things without me made him very unhappy. And he wanted to try for a baby before I go on Testosterone. We hugged and cuddled for a while before he left and i went to sleep.

Sunday I finished work early and went home early so that I could be there in case he wanted to talk about anything.
Things were much calmer then. We spoke about some things, then we took time to think, then we talked again. Not a lot of tears anymore because we both decided to try to make this work. We decided to enjoy the time we have an so on.

I realize that he is straight and that one day he might just not be attracted to me any more. And I will understand if/when that day comes. But for now we want to make it work.

We are going to a festival in August, we will keep trying for a baby. My therapist asked about that too last Friday. I said I still want to try for a baby because I can so why not. I think it's a valid way to become parents and both my husband and I are ready to have a child. If I get pregnant, we will be great parents. If I get pregnant I will hold off on Testosterone until after the birth of course.

So next station, telling my mom, telling my brother, telling my friends, telling my work... Getting the awkwardness out of the way.
I found a specialized doctor in my city and I will call there for a first appointment sometime this week to make an appointment.
I will want to get a new hair cut soon. But I want to wait with physical changes until this all has sunk in with my husband. And I want to include him in all these steps. Maybe pick a hair cut together. Pick clothes together, etc. Learn how to shave your face once that time comes, right. We will see.

But yea, I felt like venting this. Because last week was hard. I barely ate, I barely slept. One panic attack was chasing the next. There was literally not a moment where I could have a clear mind. So I am happy the biggest pressure is off now and we can start to move from here.

So yea, again thanks to the two people on here who have been a great help for me so far. I am not calling out your names but you know who you are and I appreciate very much that you are a part of my support network right now.

Cheers,
Rob

PS: My therapist told me he will change my name on his papers to "Rob" and start calling me that after the couple session.

Great to see that you are continuing the move forward.

In my life, my best friend is currently physically a female who is beginning the transitioning phase to male.

My 18 year old daughter is in love and living with a guy who successfully transitioned from a female. He looks fantastic.

My 13 year old daughter came out to me 3 days ago. She will not tell her mum, my ex, because my ex is a throwback to the 1950s. But she came out to me.

I love my daughters with all my heart, and it is important to me that they are happy. Whatever gender they identify with, or whatever their sexual orientation is, does not matter to me in the slightest.

The heart wants what the heart wants.

So be who you really are, and be happy.

Wow- you have a number of trans people in your life. Smile That's awesome! I'd never met a trans person face to face (as far as I know) before I came out and started to transition.
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26-09-2017, 02:55 PM
RE: So I am transitioning
(26-09-2017 01:12 PM)Emma Wrote:  
(26-09-2017 12:17 PM)Free Wrote:  Great to see that you are continuing the move forward.

In my life, my best friend is currently physically a female who is beginning the transitioning phase to male.

My 18 year old daughter is in love and living with a guy who successfully transitioned from a female. He looks fantastic.

My 13 year old daughter came out to me 3 days ago. She will not tell her mum, my ex, because my ex is a throwback to the 1950s. But she came out to me.

I love my daughters with all my heart, and it is important to me that they are happy. Whatever gender they identify with, or whatever their sexual orientation is, does not matter to me in the slightest.

The heart wants what the heart wants.

So be who you really are, and be happy.

Wow- you have a number of trans people in your life. Smile That's awesome! I'd never met a trans person face to face (as far as I know) before I came out and started to transition.

You need to come to San Francisco Big Grin

"Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your own being." -Rumi
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26-09-2017, 02:57 PM
RE: So I am transitioning
(26-09-2017 02:55 PM)jennybee Wrote:  
(26-09-2017 01:12 PM)Emma Wrote:  Wow- you have a number of trans people in your life. Smile That's awesome! I'd never met a trans person face to face (as far as I know) before I came out and started to transition.

You need to come to San Francisco Big Grin

For reals. I'd love to go there some day. Not likely to happen, but it might be fun lol.
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26-09-2017, 02:57 PM
RE: So I am transitioning
(26-09-2017 12:17 PM)Free Wrote:  
(24-07-2017 04:51 AM)Leerob Wrote:  For those clicking this thread and not knowing, I am transgender (FtM).

So last week was basically living hell. It drove me almost to suicide and I am very glad for my two best friends and for two people on TTA who were there for me.
I had to realize that I cannot keep living my life this way. My life so far has been a series of attempts to act the female and it is not working. I have been to therapy to try and find a way not to transition because my husband is a straight man and I wouldn't want our marriage to end over it. So I tried to find ways to deal with this without transitioning. It just ended in more and more pain, in depression, and when the suicidal thoughts started creeping back in, it was a red flag for me.

Last week I was almost there again and I had to weight survival against everything else. And survival is more important.
I did a lot of thinking and talking to friends. I was afraid to tell my husband without being prepared. During the last therapy session, I told my therapist that I couldn't go on like this and that I had to transition.
My therapist was very supportive and is fully on board. He promised he will go through this with me and I am very thankful for it.
So I asked for a couple session for this week so we could speak to my husband in a save environment.

But this weekend it turned out I had to tell my husband because I was acting weirdly about sex and intimacy and as explanation I told him I wasn't well and would like to talk about it during the couple therapy session.
So on Saturday I told him and I explained why I made this decision.
As expected he didn't take too well. He realized he is losing a wife so to say. He had questions and I answered. We talked and cried for half a day together and in separate rooms. Then we talked again.
At some point, because I work Sundays and I was so tired that I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore, I had to go to bed. We had been sitting on the dinner table quietly for about half an hour at the point and he said that he didn't think there wouldn't be much more to talk that night.
So I went to bed.

After a little while he came in the room to give me a kiss and tell me he loves me.
Then he left.
Then he came back again to tell me he loves me and kiss and cuddle a little bit.
Then he left.
Then he came back a third time to tell me that thinking about things without me made him very unhappy. And he wanted to try for a baby before I go on Testosterone. We hugged and cuddled for a while before he left and i went to sleep.

Sunday I finished work early and went home early so that I could be there in case he wanted to talk about anything.
Things were much calmer then. We spoke about some things, then we took time to think, then we talked again. Not a lot of tears anymore because we both decided to try to make this work. We decided to enjoy the time we have an so on.

I realize that he is straight and that one day he might just not be attracted to me any more. And I will understand if/when that day comes. But for now we want to make it work.

We are going to a festival in August, we will keep trying for a baby. My therapist asked about that too last Friday. I said I still want to try for a baby because I can so why not. I think it's a valid way to become parents and both my husband and I are ready to have a child. If I get pregnant, we will be great parents. If I get pregnant I will hold off on Testosterone until after the birth of course.

So next station, telling my mom, telling my brother, telling my friends, telling my work... Getting the awkwardness out of the way.
I found a specialized doctor in my city and I will call there for a first appointment sometime this week to make an appointment.
I will want to get a new hair cut soon. But I want to wait with physical changes until this all has sunk in with my husband. And I want to include him in all these steps. Maybe pick a hair cut together. Pick clothes together, etc. Learn how to shave your face once that time comes, right. We will see.

But yea, I felt like venting this. Because last week was hard. I barely ate, I barely slept. One panic attack was chasing the next. There was literally not a moment where I could have a clear mind. So I am happy the biggest pressure is off now and we can start to move from here.

So yea, again thanks to the two people on here who have been a great help for me so far. I am not calling out your names but you know who you are and I appreciate very much that you are a part of my support network right now.

Cheers,
Rob

PS: My therapist told me he will change my name on his papers to "Rob" and start calling me that after the couple session.

Great to see that you are continuing the move forward.

In my life, my best friend is currently physically a female who is beginning the transitioning phase to male.

My 18 year old daughter is in love and living with a guy who successfully transitioned from a female. He looks fantastic.

My 13 year old daughter came out to me 3 days ago. She will not tell her mum, my ex, because my ex is a throwback to the 1950s. But she came out to me.

I love my daughters with all my heart, and it is important to me that they are happy. Whatever gender they identify with, or whatever their sexual orientation is, does not matter to me in the slightest.

The heart wants what the heart wants.

So be who you really are, and be happy.

"The heart wants what the heart wants." Love that!

"Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your own being." -Rumi
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05-10-2017, 04:32 PM
RE: So I am transitioning
I notice, it's been a while since my last update so why don't we:

So last week I had two break downs. One on Thursday night and one on Friday.
Thursday's breakdown was mainly because I was scared that if my husband leaves me, I would have to go through all of the transition alone and I really feel I need some support. Like not just over the internet but local people. So in the middle of the night, past midnight, I texted a good friend here in the city and asked if, in case I end up single, if she'd go with me to my first T shot. She told me immediately that yes absolutely and that she was happy I asked her this. I explained why I asked and she assured me that I will not have to go through this alone. I have a second friend here as well who I know will have my back no matter what. So while I had been having a full blown panick attack for two hours before that, when my friend told me she'd be at my side for this all, I was able to calm down immediately. And I have not felt this feeling of complete loneliness in this again since.
The break down on Friday was at therapy. We were talking and my tears started coming and I could not stop it at all. My therapist was letting me go through the motions and was working with me slowly. I said sorry I was crying so much but that I couldn't help me. He actually said to me that he could almost join me there right now and when I asked why he said because he sees so much pain in me. That was really very humbling.
But yea he is a good therapist and I am happy with him.

Anyway a while back, I think 2 or 3 weeks back I told my therapist about, what I call my ticks. I explained some things that I feel I have to do, especially when I am very stressed or anxious (like really over the top though). When I said I didn't know what it is called in English but only in German, he told me that I seem to have OCD. I actually have suspected that for a little while. He asked me to make a list of things I do. So now finally I made a bullet point list with umbrella terms because if I wrote every compulsion, I would never be done I feel. But he can ask me on each of the points and I can go into detail. I made 15 bullet points and no, being a clean freak and sorting skittles are not points in my list. But most of those have at least 3-5 different things that I do. So it is quite exhaustive (and exhausting at times). I hope he can help me to find strategies to overcome that stuff because if my husband breaks up with me, I am afraid I might drown in my OCD unless I have learned ways to keep it in check by then. Wish me luck.

Other than that, I have ordered binders. One doesn't fit because Chinese XXL is like M in Ireland. meh. The other two binders fit and I am happy about that. But I have the issue that if I wear a binder, then after 2 or 3 hours my breast (the one that has the implant) starts feeling VERY uncomfortable. So I have only worn it to work once and not since. I want to speak to my doctor soon and see if I can have my top surgery before I get on T. Meaning I wouldn't have to deal with binders at that point and I can happily give them away.

Also I have been to the hospital for a blood test to test all my hormone levels. My new GP said that he gets all his transgender patients tested for that just in case anything else needs to be dealt with before T. (He is known in the scene here, so he has many) So the results should be in this week. So tomorrow (friday) i will call and make an appointment to get the results and also speak about the top surgery and my waiting list status (if he heard from the psychiatrist etc).

At work I am very involved in the transgender board. Yes we have that at work.
In November we have a trans awareness week. I am of course involved in that as the only person on the board here in Europe. So for our office here at the HQ in Europe, I will be doing the organizing etc. I already reached out to some people from the lgbt board to help me out a little bit because during that week I am actually off. And so it will be hard for me to do it all on my own. They were super happy to help out so yay. I will prepare everything ahead of time so my helpers only have to keep an eye on things rolling well.
There are two things where I will have to be present because I am... well presenting. One is a chat where I will talk about my own experience. And the other will be a training to educate people on the basics of lgbt and especially transgender issues.

Other than that, I am just waiting. My husband is waiting too so to say.
Last Saturday I made pot brownies again. And I was considering to have one. But I had to know what is happening in his head first and then later decided not to have a pot brownie because it makes me very emotional and I did not want to break again.
But yea he said that he was done weighing all sides and considering all outcomes and that at the moment he didn't know really what will come of our relationship. He said that right now he doesn't have all bad times anymore. And I guess that is better than before because he had only bad times and ok times. Now he has ok times and rare good moments. So that is good. He said that when the first physical changes are happening, he will probably feel bad again and then he will know if he wants to stay or leave. So yea. I guess I will know at top surgery time? I am unsure. If he doesn't know before top surgery time, I am sure I want one of my local friends here to be with me when I wake up from surgery etc. I cannot deal with being depressed right when I wake up after surgery. I need people there who got my back. I mean I can take a lot of blows mentally. Honestly, after the mental abuse I went through all my life, I can take another blow. But I don't think I can take it right after surgery. So if it turns out that after top surgery he wants to leave, then I can take it. But I don't think that waking up and seeing him hurt and being disappointed etc... you know what I mean? It would suck any joy out of me and still being drugged from the surgery, it would make for a horrible memory that would stick 100% for ever. I know my brain...

But yea I suspect I will know shortly after top surgery and therefore probably before my 1st T shot. Which is good. Because if he leaves me, I have time to build back up and then in the end actually celebrate my first T shot the way I should heh.

So yea, as you can tell, I have been through quite a roller coaster these past few days, couple weeks. I have done a lot of thinking and getting to terms with things. Other stuff is still really scary to me. But I should focus on good things.

Two really nice things to point out though!
Last week Sunday I met a coworker in a shop and he said "hi Rob" out there in public. That was very nice!
I started shaving my face Big Grin I know I got no beard to shave. But it feels very good and empowering to do it so I am doing it.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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06-10-2017, 03:10 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
Good stuff Rob, sounds like it's going well Smile

I know that it's kind of the point that you need like physical friends, but of course we're all here for you as well, should you need to vent at stupid O'Clock. At very worst, just remember what you are doing is for you to feel happier, and whilst I presume (sorry if this is incorrect) your hormones may be a bit up/down during the process, keep in mind that all of this is your decision, and it's for your benefit as well Smile I know it may not help, but I thought it you keep that singular thought with you at all times, you'll be able to brave whatever comes your way.

Anyways, you have some kick-ass friends! Not many people would answer the phone and commit to doing something like this, so at least you know you have some back up Smile

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06-10-2017, 09:20 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
Glad to hear that you're hanging in there Rob—despite a couple of temporary question marks. And thanks for your detailed update too mate. Thumbsup

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