So I am transitioning
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23-02-2018, 09:42 PM
RE: So I am transitioning
Just realized something that makes me feel very happy these past few days.

So lately some of my male coworkers have been reaching out to me on a more personal / social level. Playing pool, talking about boxing, etc. It's really feeling good that I am accepted as a guy and am talked to and addressed as exactly that. I feel valid and it helps me with my mental health.
I have been dealing with a lot of dysphoria the past few weeks. I mean to a degree where I was doing the most unhealthy thing I can do in my situation, which is binding daily for 10-12 hours. But feeling short of breath and having pressure on my lungs and ribs is really worth it when the alternative is to feel very depressed because of the chesticles.
And also, although I am really really more than just out of money right now, flat out broke as fuck, I decided to go to the movies with some friends which also helped me get my mind off the negatives for a bit.
But really, being accepted as a man by other men is very important to me and that really seems to be the case.
Just after coming out, people would simply respect "my decision" but now more and more they see me as a man. I may be pulling off the look a bit better by now, and the binding helps with that. But I am super aware of my female voice and the fact that I will only get on hormones and get top surgery when I lost about 30 kilos.
So that is a source of anxiety but I am trying to get there.... We'll see what the future brings. But for the moment it just makes me happy to be accepted.

(22-02-2018 08:10 PM)jerry mcmasters Wrote:  Rob what the hey?! LDH? I'm laughing and freaked out and confused.
What? You went over my helmet?

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24-02-2018, 12:02 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
That is so cool, hugs.
But only the manly bro hug kind Tongue
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27-02-2018, 08:08 PM
RE: So I am transitioning
I am having a few good days so thought I'd share that instead of my constant whining lol

So I am having a week off and there was a lot of stress and pressure for several reasons and I think they are mainly solved now which gives me some much needed peace of mind.

Contract at work: It took forever to get the addendum for the contract extention and the extention was supposed to be until April. Today it was sent out and the extention is until September plus a little pay raise. So that is great! I was so afraid I'd not have a job after moving etc. But I do have a job and that's wonderful.

Moving houses: As my ex and I separate we are moving. Couple days ago he told me that he might not be able to pay his half of the last rent and bills. So I got completely panicked as that could have meant that I ended up homeless simply for maxing out my bank account and still not having enough money. I asked several friends for help as well and emailed the landlady to see if we could do something with the deposit. Everybody has agreed. The landlady had a couple reasonable requests before agreeing as well my friends immediately agreed to help too. So now I am not losing sleep over that either.

Last Saturday: I do a thing with friends once a month. "Coma eating & games" where we eat until we pass out and then we eat some more. And when we are done eating we play boardgames / RPG / LARP and we keep eating as well. I did that last Saturday and had a great time with my friends. We play tested an RPG that a friend wrote and gave some feedback afterwards. Very fun evening.

Monday: Yesterday I went hiking with friends. I had 1.5 coffees for breakfast. Then we hiked up a steep hill. While my legs are strong and all, my cardio is not there. So I got so exhausted that I had to puke my coffee out. After that, I couldn't continue the climb but we went back down and had a nice long walk. I made a million pictures. We went for a burger after our hike / walk and decided that we want to do something else this week.

Tuesday: Today I met with a friend after she finished work. She wanted me to come along to help her pick new glasses. She was very happy about the help and the choice she made. We went for a bit of a walk after that as well and ended up in my favourite Asian store where I stocked up on my favourite asian food items.

Tomorrow or Thursday I will probably go to the cinema.
At some point I will meet the friends from Monday again. We are considering another hike that is less exhausting.
On Friday I will probably go to see a comedian but I am not sure yet.

All that said, I am still frustrated that my transition stuff is taking so long but I am rocking that boy-mode more and more. I am starting to look better I think and once I get on hormones and get top surgery, a lot of my dysphoria will also subside, I am sure. Not all of it but a lot of it. Once people in a store say "he" to me, that is when I know I have made the biggest step.

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05-03-2018, 05:53 PM
RE: So I am transitioning
omg I did not even post that here!!!

Ok so last weekend, when we had the big snow and all the stores were closed and so on, my buddy ran out of food and drink. I didn't have much at home either but sharing is caring so I put some stuff in a bag and walked over through the snow, with my asthmatic lungs whistling from the cold.
He decided to buy me a beer at the one and only open pub as a thank you.
I took that as a challenge because I really really don't like a lot of people in a small space. So a full pub is one of those scenarios where I would usually get too much anxiety to go in. But I had my buddy with me, who knows of this issue and who said, if you don't feel ok we can leave. I told him that I wanted to take the challenge. So he bought me a tea because I don't drink (as opposed to that fucking psychiatrist's opinion) and he bought himself a beer. We talked a little bit. Not much really. Dunno. Just two dudes in the pub having a drink together really. Nothing that special.
But then this hot girl squeezes right beside my buddy to get closer to the bar and order some drinks. And she heard us exchange a few words in German. So her attention is immediately on us. She tells us a few things she remembers from her German classes back at school. Just a bit of chit chat. She decides to buy us drinks. I decline, my buddy gets a shot.
She looks at the two of us "Are you two together?"
Sadly were too tired and too slow to play with that and say yes and let her tell us how she loooooooves gay people, just like she told us how she looooooves Germans Big Grin
Anyhow, she gets back on her German track. Points at him "ein Mann" (a man), points at me "ein Mann", points at both of us "zwei Maenner" (two men) "see I know German!" and keeps chit chatting
I have been happily sitting on my very manly cloud since then. So damn nice to just be considered a man Smile I am not even on hormones yet but I absolutely passed that night.
So yea, me has happy!

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06-03-2018, 03:31 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
Good stuff Rob Smile

As a side note: I had the exact same thing happen to me and a buddy last year, when we went out round the town. We're both married hetrosexual guys, and some girl had come over asking if we were single. We both instantly said "no sorry" flashing our wedding rings, which she took to think we were married to each other.

Whelp, the opened the flood-gates for "wow, good for you guys, I love Gay guys" whilst we stood there chuckling away. No offence at all, and if anything it keeps the [very few who are interested] ladies away Laugh out load

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19-03-2018, 06:39 PM
RE: So I am transitioning
Thought I'd give a quick update. Somebody sent me a pm because I have been quiet for a bit. I appreciate that there are people out there who care, gives me a little bit of hope for humanity.

But yea I had a few good days but mostly bad days. Basically hit a bit of a rough patch with my depression and dysphoria.
There is a lot of everyday stress like the move, adjusting to be alone again, work related things, physical health stuff, weight loss, etc.
And there is a lot of added stress about the transition. I can't really move forward unless the psychiatrist sends the letter to the GP and endocrinology. But he hasn't yet and it has been 5 weeks. My GP says that it usually takes 4-6 weeks from seeing them to getting the letter.
So for now I keep all the dysphoria and anxieties related to me not being able to start medical transition.
Also there is a lot of anxiety about the future for me. I have to make a lot of decisions right now, big decisions, that affect my plans for the transition and future. I want to go back to school and study but with the fulltime job, while I can afford it, it is also very straining to study on top of work. So I have a lot of different plans in my mind but not sure what to do. Basically I need an adultier adult than myself... somebody better at adulting than I am...

So yea... just a rough patch as I said.

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20-03-2018, 10:17 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
(19-03-2018 06:39 PM)Leerob Wrote:  Thought I'd give a quick update. Somebody sent me a pm because I have been quiet for a bit. I appreciate that there are people out there who care, gives me a little bit of hope for humanity.

But yea I had a few good days but mostly bad days. Basically hit a bit of a rough patch with my depression and dysphoria.
There is a lot of everyday stress like the move, adjusting to be alone again, work related things, physical health stuff, weight loss, etc.
And there is a lot of added stress about the transition. I can't really move forward unless the psychiatrist sends the letter to the GP and endocrinology. But he hasn't yet and it has been 5 weeks. My GP says that it usually takes 4-6 weeks from seeing them to getting the letter.
So for now I keep all the dysphoria and anxieties related to me not being able to start medical transition.
Also there is a lot of anxiety about the future for me. I have to make a lot of decisions right now, big decisions, that affect my plans for the transition and future. I want to go back to school and study but with the fulltime job, while I can afford it, it is also very straining to study on top of work. So I have a lot of different plans in my mind but not sure what to do. Basically I need an adultier adult than myself... somebody better at adulting than I am...

So yea... just a rough patch as I said.

Hang in there. You are struggling with difficult things. I wish I had some real advice for you, but in my experience, transition is a pretty solo journey. Are there any trans support groups in your area? I transitioned in Portland Oregon in 1995. There, we had a lot of support groups. I went to them for the first couple of years, and it was nice to have some other trans folks to talk to.

I sometimes have passionate arguments with myself that almost come to blows.
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20-03-2018, 03:18 PM
RE: So I am transitioning
(20-03-2018 10:17 AM)Yonadav Kenyon Wrote:  Hang in there. You are struggling with difficult things. I wish I had some real advice for you, but in my experience, transition is a pretty solo journey. Are there any trans support groups in your area? I transitioned in Portland Oregon in 1995. There, we had a lot of support groups. I went to them for the first couple of years, and it was nice to have some other trans folks to talk to.

Thanks. Yea it is pretty solo but at least I am fortunate enough to have some very good friends who have my back, and you guys on here.
There aren't many things here for trans people. And honestly I am not into these kind of things. I don't want to sit together and listen to each other complain about some stuff. Just want my transition get going and at some point just blend in normally.

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20-03-2018, 03:30 PM
RE: So I am transitioning
(20-03-2018 03:18 PM)Leerob Wrote:  
(20-03-2018 10:17 AM)Yonadav Kenyon Wrote:  Hang in there. You are struggling with difficult things. I wish I had some real advice for you, but in my experience, transition is a pretty solo journey. Are there any trans support groups in your area? I transitioned in Portland Oregon in 1995. There, we had a lot of support groups. I went to them for the first couple of years, and it was nice to have some other trans folks to talk to.

Thanks. Yea it is pretty solo but at least I am fortunate enough to have some very good friends who have my back, and you guys on here.
There aren't many things here for trans people. And honestly I am not into these kind of things. I don't want to sit together and listen to each other complain about some stuff. Just want my transition get going and at some point just blend in normally.

I totally get not being into groups. But if there is a group, they can be quite helpful. The Portland groups knew what doctor to go to, to expedite their quest for hormones. They knew the easiest way to get gender changed on IDs, and that sort of thing. Surely, somewhere in Ireland, their is a trans group. It might be a group that is primarily cross dressing guys, but they will have information. It is worth looking into, if you haven't already.

I sometimes have passionate arguments with myself that almost come to blows.
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25-03-2018, 06:50 PM
RE: So I am transitioning
I have not posted that here... wtf!?

3 cool things

1. The waiter in the restaurant called me "sir" last Thursday.
2. I went to the barber for the first time last Friday.
3. My employer is sending me to the US in August!

So yea, pretty fucking cool.

Tomorrow I am calling my GP to find out if the letter from the psychiatrist arrived. And if so, I would like to know what it says. If it has the diagnose on it, then all is good, and I can move into the next phase of my transition. That would be awesome actually. If not... more waiting.
But if yes, I will ask if I can have a bridging prescription for Testosterone so I can start, even just a low dose. And then the endocrinology can still get me on the right dose. Dunno, I will ask my GP because I know that technically he is allowed to prescribe it. And will also ask about top surgery - again.

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