So I came out....
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09-09-2014, 03:43 PM
RE: So I came out....
(09-09-2014 03:36 PM)RobbyPants Wrote:  
(09-09-2014 02:18 PM)Deidre32 Wrote:  So...the advice is basically for the OP to walk on eggshells, in order to live as an atheist and remain in a peaceful marriage?

Consider

Assuming he wants to stay married. That's what I'm doing in my similar situation. It's really up to him if he wants to be more confrontational, try to give up less, and/or just get divorced. Sky's the limit!

It should be a compromise. (no one becoming confrontational) I just feel bad for anyone in any type of relationship, who is giving in and compromising their own views (not just in a case like this), just to save the relationship. I have to wonder how happy one can be, living like that. Not saying it's impossible, but no one should have to compromise their own values, just to preserve a relationship. What are you really preserving, then?

I don't see why marriage changes many people like this...it shouldn't be this confining paradigm. It should bring out the best in both people, otherwise...why bother.

No one may agree, but just my feelings.

Be true to yourself. Heart
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09-09-2014, 04:05 PM
RE: So I came out....
I'm between relationships. My last ended for the most part because I just couldn't bring myself to believe in her and her family's faith. It all just felt so phony. It was my first consistent attempt at attending church and being Christian. It was the beginning of the end for the relationship and the start of my awakening.

I will never date another woman who is a believer, and needless to say its making it difficult for me to even get some ass. But I'm just interested in even hearing the half-assery that comes from nearly all Christians.
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09-09-2014, 04:33 PM
RE: So I came out....
(09-09-2014 03:43 PM)Deidre32 Wrote:  
(09-09-2014 03:36 PM)RobbyPants Wrote:  Assuming he wants to stay married. That's what I'm doing in my similar situation. It's really up to him if he wants to be more confrontational, try to give up less, and/or just get divorced. Sky's the limit!

It should be a compromise. (no one becoming confrontational) I just feel bad for anyone in any type of relationship, who is giving in and compromising their own views (not just in a case like this), just to save the relationship. I have to wonder how happy one can be, living like that. Not saying it's impossible, but no one should have to compromise their own values, just to preserve a relationship. What are you really preserving, then?

I don't see why marriage changes many people like this...it shouldn't be this confining paradigm. It should bring out the best in both people, otherwise...why bother.

No one may agree, but just my feelings.

That's the reality of marriage. Both people compromise on issues throughout the lifetime of the marriage. It's a little compromise here, some there, a lot over here, none from here. If you're in a relationship with no flexibility on either side then things will snap. Marriage compromises are not sad or an unhappy, it's the nature of what marriage is. The constant state of motion is also what makes it interesting.

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
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11-09-2014, 08:08 AM
RE: So I came out....
Neither of us have mentioned terminating the marriage. We have talked about the subject a couple of times since, and I have told her that I have been this way for a couple years and she didn't even know it. The only difference now is that I was open with her about it.

I'm fine with not discussing it, but it's going to come up at Thanksgiving, since her granddad died, I am the oldest adult male and will be asked to lead the family in prayer... awkward! She hasn't told her family yet, I told her sister because I knew she would be OK with it and she in turn told me she was an agnostic and would see how my situation panned out before she told the family, so I'll get to see that moment where her mom and grandmother's hearts break.

It's like she remembers it occasionally, and brings it up. I try to talk to her, but it's always the same argument, she refers back to the bible and I tell her it's a book written by men who were probably trying to explain some things at the time (sciency stuff that was way above their heads), but didn't quite get it right. But it's hard to get through to her that she can't use the bible as an argument with me because I believe it's about as real as Dr. Seuss. And I know WAY more about the bible than she does, so when I use the bible in an argument against itself she just gets pissed and that's when the argument gets heated.

Typically I eventually clam up, to avoid saying something really bad that would hurt her. But I just wish she would at least consider my argument, I mean after all I did consider religion for 30+ years.

RELIGION, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. - Ambrose Bierce (The Devil's Dictionary)
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11-09-2014, 08:26 AM
RE: So I came out....
My wife hid her Catholic beliefs from me for years, and I nearly divorced her after I found out. I'm just not tolerant enough of theists to keep my mouth shut, but I think she doesn't really know what to believe, so I'm hopeful she'll eventually let go of some of these beliefs. Weirdest Catholic I've ever seen anyway, for she also claims to be partial Wiccan and doesn't believe in hell. She finds heavan unlikely but keeps the hope of it so she can one day see the numerous loved ones she's lost. I think she's an agnostic and just doesn't realize it.

It's best just to wait things out awhile and see if moods die down and if you two will be capable of accepting one another. It can lead to a huge rift and cause struggles down the line if you two can't find away to communicate. Good luck to you, good sir.

A wise person makes their own decisions; an ignorant one follows public opinion.
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11-09-2014, 08:31 AM
RE: So I came out....
I think in this situation (being the overly-prideful person that I can be at times) I would say something like, "I really don't think we should talk about religion, because I can guarantee you that you will not like what I am going to say." Then if she brought it up I would say, "Are you really sure you want to get into this? Do you really want to hear my honest opinions? Because we really don't need to talk about this if it is just going to get you or me upset."

Then if she pushed harder I would oblige, "Alright, well this is how I feel about the bible. These are my thoughts and feeling. I know you don't agree with them, and I don't want to hurt you, but if you want to know my honest thoughts here you go."

But I'm not sure I would prioritize staying married over being my honest self with my family, so my approach might not be the best. I agree that waiting for the initial sting to blow over (a few months maybe) and treading lightly during that period might be best.

I prefer fantasy, but I have to live in reality.
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11-09-2014, 08:31 AM
RE: So I came out....
As dr Phil would say, " do you want to be right or do you want to be happy"


Pick your battles and have talks about how the two of you communicate, and the freedom of choosing your own path. I think you need to discuss that people can come from different ideas but still choose to be respectful of each other, which includes hearing the other out and not shaming someone because you think you know better. It's about respect for each other not who is on the right path.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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11-09-2014, 08:40 AM
RE: So I came out....
Diedre, at this point I am willing to compromise because I love my husband. I want stability for our son. He married a Christian with lots of skepticism, not an atheist. I'm trying to show him I'm still me but without god. Part of the compromise comes from the religious spouse in that they are in love with someone they believe may go to hell. Yes, I walk on eggshells. Yes, it's hard. But I prefer it to the alternative of losing him. I would never enter an "unequally yoked" relationship because of the headaches, but now I'm in one. I compromise because I'm the one who changed.

"If there's a single thing that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." - Lev Grossman
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11-09-2014, 09:04 AM
RE: So I came out....
(09-09-2014 03:43 PM)Deidre32 Wrote:  It should be a compromise. (no one becoming confrontational) I just feel bad for anyone in any type of relationship, who is giving in and compromising their own views (not just in a case like this), just to save the relationship. I have to wonder how happy one can be, living like that. Not saying it's impossible, but no one should have to compromise their own values, just to preserve a relationship. What are you really preserving, then?

No, I agree with you on that one.


(09-09-2014 03:43 PM)Deidre32 Wrote:  I don't see why marriage changes many people like this...it shouldn't be this confining paradigm. It should bring out the best in both people, otherwise...why bother.

No one may agree, but just my feelings.

To expand on something Bows and Arrows said earlier, the spouse just hears news they consider shocking, and they have to respond to it. In my situation, I had about two years go come to terms with my own atheism before I started admitting I was atheist. My wife, aside from the occasional mention of me "having doubts", had something more like two seconds.
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11-09-2014, 05:38 PM
RE: So I came out....
(11-09-2014 08:40 AM)Nurse Wrote:  Diedre, at this point I am willing to compromise because I love my husband. I want stability for our son. He married a Christian with lots of skepticism, not an atheist. I'm trying to show him I'm still me but without god. Part of the compromise comes from the religious spouse in that they are in love with someone they believe may go to hell. Yes, I walk on eggshells. Yes, it's hard. But I prefer it to the alternative of losing him. I would never enter an "unequally yoked" relationship because of the headaches, but now I'm in one. I compromise because I'm the one who changed.

This! Oh my gosh she cried! And when I told her, "If heaven is real and you go and I don't the bible promises you will feel no pain, so it will be like I never even existed." DO NOT USE THAT ARGUMENT TO MAKE YOUR SPOUSE FEEL BETTER!!! ABORT, ABORT, ABORT!!!

RELIGION, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. - Ambrose Bierce (The Devil's Dictionary)
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