So I came out....
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12-09-2014, 08:11 PM
RE: So I came out....
Quote:Yes we have 2 girls (11 and 15). I told her they can continue going to church with her, but if they ask me questions I am going to be honest with them. I promised to not try to convert them.

You promised not to try to convert them and yet she takes them to church? So it's ok for her to push her beliefs on your kids but when you want to push your (lack of) beliefs on them it's a no-go?
What kind of partnership/relationship/marriage is that?

Also, she sounds terrified that her children might actually be able to make their own minds up about things.
Controlling mother is controlling.

She should have faith in your children and trust that they are able to make up their own minds about what they do or do not believe in.

Quote:She has also asked that I still attend church with them occasionally (can't have the rest of the congregation thinking she's married to a heathen!).

Oh great, so now she's ashamed of you.
Do you really want to be in a relationship where your partner is ashamed to be with you and ashamed to show you off to the world?

Quote: I told her I would, if it will keep the peace between us.

Keeping the peace is her accepting your position and not forcing you to go against it.

Quote:She hasn't told her family yet, I told her sister because I knew she would be OK with it and she in turn told me she was an agnostic

Sounds like you married the wrong sister.

Quote:Typically I eventually clam up, to avoid saying something really bad that would hurt her. But I just wish she would at least consider my argument, I mean after all I did consider religion for 30+ years.

Don't force it on her, she's not gonna change. The exception being that if she brings it up, in which case just ram it down her throat full force. The atheist stuff that is.


IMO you should get a divorce. It sounds like it's just gonna be a lot of grief for a long time so you might as well cut to the chase, skip the bullshit, and get a divorce. Perhaps you should wait it out for a little while (say, give it 6months and if there's no improvement have the divorce talk) but if things aren't going to work then they aren't going to work.

It's not healthy for you two or the kids if you stay in a bad relationship for the sake of "trying to work it out" or "the kids".

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12-09-2014, 08:35 PM (This post was last modified: 12-09-2014 08:49 PM by GirlyMan.)
RE: So I came out....
(12-09-2014 08:11 PM)earmuffs Wrote:  You promised not to try to convert them and yet she takes them to church? So it's ok for her to push her beliefs on your kids but when you want to push your (lack of) beliefs on them it's a no-go?

Yup. That's the deal this atheist made with the Catholic Church going on some 30 years ago.

(12-09-2014 08:11 PM)earmuffs Wrote:  What kind of partnership/relationship/marriage is that?

A marriage that don't give a shit about personal metaphysics going on 30 years strong.

(12-09-2014 08:11 PM)earmuffs Wrote:  Sounds like you married the wrong sister.

Okay, that was fucking funny.

(12-09-2014 08:11 PM)earmuffs Wrote:  IMO you should get a divorce. It sounds like it's just gonna be a lot of grief for a long time so you might as well cut to the chase, skip the bullshit, and get a divorce. Perhaps you should wait it out for a little while (say, give it 6months and if there's no improvement have the divorce talk) but if things aren't going to work then they aren't going to work.

It's not healthy for you two or the kids if you stay in a bad relationship for the sake of "trying to work it out" or "the kids".

Bear in mind that this advice is coming from a 20-something gay virgin. (Whatever the fuck that even means.)

There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide. -Camus
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12-09-2014, 09:59 PM
RE: So I came out....
Quote:Bear in mind that this advice is coming from a 20-something gay virgin. (Whatever the fuck that even means.)

Bear in mind I'm also unemployed and watch a lot of day time TV, I think it's safe to say I'm over qualified to offer relationship advice.

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12-09-2014, 10:03 PM
RE: So I came out....
(12-09-2014 09:59 PM)earmuffs Wrote:  
Quote:Bear in mind that this advice is coming from a 20-something gay virgin. (Whatever the fuck that even means.)

Bear in mind I'm also unemployed and watch a lot of day time TV, I think it's safe to say I'm over qualified to offer relationship advice.

That is an excellent point StuffinMuffin.

There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide. -Camus
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12-09-2014, 10:08 PM
RE: So I came out....
(12-09-2014 09:59 PM)earmuffs Wrote:  
Quote:Bear in mind that this advice is coming from a 20-something gay virgin. (Whatever the fuck that even means.)

Bear in mind I'm also unemployed and watch a lot of day time TV, I think it's safe to say I'm over qualified to offer really bad relationship advice.

Fixed that for you. No need to thank me. Smile

Skepticism is not a position; it is an approach to claims.
Science is not a subject, but a method.
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12-09-2014, 10:31 PM
RE: So I came out....
(12-09-2014 10:08 PM)Chas Wrote:  
(12-09-2014 09:59 PM)earmuffs Wrote:  Bear in mind I'm also unemployed and watch a lot of day time TV, I think it's safe to say I'm over qualified to offer really bad relationship advice.

Fixed that for you. No need to thank me. Smile

The quality of my advice is on Jeramey Kyle, not me.

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12-09-2014, 10:59 PM
RE: So I came out....
In all relationships, whether you marry the person or not, if you care about the other person, you'll be willing to compromise. But, my beliefs and values I'm not willing to compromise. Having said that, when two people marry, and they are both religious, I can see where the religious partner would feel a sense of betrayal even, when the other partner departs from the faith. But, no one owns you. You have a right to believe what you like. You have a right to change your mind, simply put. I understand the difficulty with situations that the OP is going through. But, again...both partners need to compromise, and the compromise shouldn't be either of them changing their core beliefs to accommodate the other. The challenge isn't trying to get one or the other to see what the other sees, but rather...to find a way to peacefully coexist despite these new differences. So often, I see, hear or read about married people who try to change the other's mind. The atheist is trying to get the religious person to see his/her way, the religious person is doing the same.

Just accept the other for who he/she is NOW...and if you can't...then, to me, I'd have to move on. But, that's just me. Everyone has to make their own way, and find what works for them. No one is wrong who chooses to leave or stay...it's just a matter of preference.

Be true to yourself. Heart
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13-09-2014, 06:07 PM
RE: So I came out....
(09-09-2014 09:29 AM)Silo1180 Wrote:  to my wife and admitted to her openly that I am an Atheist. We had an argument, she accused me (falsely) of some things and I just blew up. Told her she had no idea who I really was anymore. We've been married for almost 18 years now, there have been some changes. So, she admitted I was right and we said some stuff we'd been holding in and I told her. I felt so relieved... but it's gone about as well as I expected. Now I'm a liar, she wanted to marry a "Christian" man and blah, blah, blah.

We've had a lot of conversations about it since then, but I can't argue with her without using terms like stupid, illogical, blind. I can't believe she won't even listen to reason.

I've accepted that I'm not going to convert her, and I try to avoid the conversation, but she won't drop it now. I need to be able to talk to her about this in a manner that is not only informative, but not hurtful.

Any pointers, any good reads any one can recommend?

This conundrum of yours is by no means simple, but I will offer you a simple way of looking at it, based on my own similar experience with my wife.

I know the feeling of wanting to be yourself, and of being transparent with the one you love. I feel that I don't have to lie to anyone I care about regarding who I am. That said, the level of cognitive dissonance and indoctrination will leave you with one main choice: Which is more important to you, being able to be true to yourself or your marriage? That's it. No bells or whistles. Try not to add too many variables to the mix because believe me it comes with its fair share.

I myself still feel that I am compromising more than my wife, but if you bring that into the equation that will be a pit without a bottom. My wife's dissonance will make sure that she will always think that she is sacrificing more, beyond rhyme or reason. So I made the decision that I will deny that side of me for her for the duration of our marriage. I'm living with that now. It's not easy but I own it for now as best I can.

That's why I love it here, even just to lurk. It's good to be able to be yourself, even for just a short while. Smile


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