So I'm thinking of going into journalism. I have a debt to pay.
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04-05-2014, 10:03 PM (This post was last modified: 04-05-2014 10:09 PM by Charis.)
So I'm thinking of going into journalism. I have a debt to pay.
As a number of you may know, I have been through some other-than-ordinary religious experiences in my life that have left me wrestling with PTSD, self-worth, etc. Not only am I a victim of religious shenanigans, I am a (former) perpetrator, and I have some debts to repay to society. And to my daughters.

One thing I, like others here, can offer society is awareness. I've distributed Christian Fundy literature in Manhattan, the Statue of Liberty, subways, Philadelphia near the Liberty Bell; I've protested at abortion clinics, and I've "been the example" to other women how to submit to their husbands and dress modestly in public. I've done all that.

If that wasn't dark enough, I've done more, and this gets to parts that people don't know and parts that might ruin their appetites. I was so indoctrinated that I fell for the Mike and Debi Pearl crap, hook, line and sinker. On one hand, it was so wrong. On the other hand, I thought I had to and was faced with weighing my daughters' temporal happiness in this life with the possibility that they may spend their next life in hell forever. I was isolated, alone, delirious with sickness and exhaustion... and guilty as all hell.

I did what I thought I had to do (as outlined in those teachings). My girls suffered for it. So much damage was done. I will NEVER outlive the horror. They needed help. They needed to get out. I needed help, and needed to get out. I would "discipline" them. But later? I would take the knife to my wrist because the OTHER part of me was horrified. Then I was told by the pastor's wife that I'm not wrong for the discipline, but society is wrong for rejecting the Bible. Then I would ask for help, but I was told I must avoid psychologists because all psychology does is give me an excuse for my bad behaviors (behaviors, as I would later learn, that were symptoms of Autism and constant PTSD due to what was going on, depression, anxiety, etc). I was told my suicidal attempts were only warped manifestations of my pride and selfishness and I must repent of them.

Family was the enemy, because they were evil, godless influences on me. I needed to face the fact that God may not want me to pursue Art, because He may have another plan for me (like homeschooling however many kids I was forced to have). My husband kept me away from the gallery as much as he could, enough that I never had the chance to form any friendships there. Don't work outside the home, because that is not a woman's place.

Isolation. Darkness. Cognitive discord. Abuse, both received and dished out, and then repeated attempted suicide as a result of said cognitive discord.
I have come out of that environment, and am making sure now that my daughters are in PUBLIC school. They are with their father due to me not being in the same state, and the courts not yet being aware of the whole story (working on that). He wanted to put them in the private fundy school. I think his lawyer saw my panic and she was against it too, so she told him to put them in public school as I asked. At least there, Chloe can be kept an eye on. I called them to please give her special TLC and keep an eye out for any signs of stuff.

I am not saying I deserve the girls, because I know I don't. I am saying that HE shouldn't have them as long as he holds to this and that he's still skating free (for the moment).

I'm also saying that I have an enormous debt, and one that can never be fully repaid. I owe it to everyone, but especially to other trapped women and kids, to raise awareness of this. It's a MUCH more widespread issue than most people know.

A person very dear to me was badly hurt through a misunderstanding and miscommunication. For this, I am sorry, and he knows it. That said, any blaming me for malicious intent is for the birds. I will not wear some scarlet letter, I will not be anybody's whipping girl, and I will not lurk in silence.
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04-05-2014, 10:09 PM
RE: So I'm thinking of going into journalism. I have a debt to pay.
You have an opportunity to do a lot of good in the world Charis. Good on ya for realizing it and wanting to play a positive role. You can't change the past, but you can do whatever you want to with the future.

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

~ Umberto Eco
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04-05-2014, 10:16 PM
RE: So I'm thinking of going into journalism. I have a debt to pay.
Adversity, may not make you stronger, but it sure helps with worldly experience in human nature and empathy.

Journalism is an awesome career move, I wish you the very best Thumbsup

Theism is to believe what other people claim, Atheism is to ask "why should I".
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04-05-2014, 10:20 PM
RE: So I'm thinking of going into journalism. I have a debt to pay.
Thanks. I'm not sure when I'll dive in.

A person very dear to me was badly hurt through a misunderstanding and miscommunication. For this, I am sorry, and he knows it. That said, any blaming me for malicious intent is for the birds. I will not wear some scarlet letter, I will not be anybody's whipping girl, and I will not lurk in silence.
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04-05-2014, 10:30 PM
RE: So I'm thinking of going into journalism. I have a debt to pay.
Blogging is one way to reach a lot of people that doesn't have huge start-up investment. The only thing is it may take a long time for your blog to be discovered and become popular.

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If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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04-05-2014, 11:07 PM
RE: So I'm thinking of going into journalism. I have a debt to pay.
(04-05-2014 10:03 PM)Charis Wrote:  As a number of you may know, I have been through some other-than-ordinary religious experiences in my life that have left me wrestling with PTSD, self-worth, etc. Not only am I a victim of religious shenanigans, I am a (former) perpetrator, and I have some debts to repay to society. And to my daughters.

One thing I, like others here, can offer society is awareness. I've distributed Christian Fundy literature in Manhattan, the Statue of Liberty, subways, Philadelphia near the Liberty Bell; I've protested at abortion clinics, and I've "been the example" to other women how to submit to their husbands and dress modestly in public. I've done all that.

If that wasn't dark enough, I've done more, and this gets to parts that people don't know and parts that might ruin their appetites. I was so indoctrinated that I fell for the Mike and Debi Pearl crap, hook, line and sinker. On one hand, it was so wrong. On the other hand, I thought I had to and was faced with weighing my daughters' temporal happiness in this life with the possibility that they may spend their next life in hell forever. I was isolated, alone, delirious with sickness and exhaustion... and guilty as all hell.

I did what I thought I had to do (as outlined in those teachings). My girls suffered for it. So much damage was done. I will NEVER outlive the horror. They needed help. They needed to get out. I needed help, and needed to get out. I would "discipline" them. But later? I would take the knife to my wrist because the OTHER part of me was horrified. Then I was told by the pastor's wife that I'm not wrong for the discipline, but society is wrong for rejecting the Bible. Then I would ask for help, but I was told I must avoid psychologists because all psychology does is give me an excuse for my bad behaviors (behaviors, as I would later learn, that were symptoms of Autism and constant PTSD due to what was going on, depression, anxiety, etc). I was told my suicidal attempts were only warped manifestations of my pride and selfishness and I must repent of them.

Family was the enemy, because they were evil, godless influences on me. I needed to face the fact that God may not want me to pursue Art, because He may have another plan for me (like homeschooling however many kids I was forced to have). My husband kept me away from the gallery as much as he could, enough that I never had the chance to form any friendships there. Don't work outside the home, because that is not a woman's place.

Isolation. Darkness. Cognitive discord. Abuse, both received and dished out, and then repeated attempted suicide as a result of said cognitive discord.
I have come out of that environment, and am making sure now that my daughters are in PUBLIC school. They are with their father due to me not being in the same state, and the courts not yet being aware of the whole story (working on that). He wanted to put them in the private fundy school. I think his lawyer saw my panic and she was against it too, so she told him to put them in public school as I asked. At least there, Chloe can be kept an eye on. I called them to please give her special TLC and keep an eye out for any signs of stuff.

I am not saying I deserve the girls, because I know I don't. I am saying that HE shouldn't have them as long as he holds to this and that he's still skating free (for the moment).

I'm also saying that I have an enormous debt, and one that can never be fully repaid. I owe it to everyone, but especially to other trapped women and kids, to raise awareness of this. It's a MUCH more widespread issue than most people know.

While it might not seem like much, there is a benefit to all you went through: You have something somebody like me will never have; experience. That experience, that knowledge and understand is one of the most potent weapons you can bring to bear.

So do so; Start writing against what you have seen and gone through. Weaponise your experience and pay your penance through the tip of a pen.

And remember, so long as you have a presence here, you are never fully alone.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
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04-05-2014, 11:13 PM
RE: So I'm thinking of going into journalism. I have a debt to pay.
Thank you. But for this year and a half, I have been afraid of coming out about it publicly. He has money. He makes 120K+ per year, and he has a lawyer. A good one. If he comes against me with accusations of slander, I have nothing to fight that with. Well, okay, I do have my diagnoses and the police reports and the report I made to DYFS after the fact, but these reports still only amount to his word against mine. I'm just scared. When I can afford it, I want to retain a lawyer who can write letters to his lawyer if she starts going after me for talking.

A person very dear to me was badly hurt through a misunderstanding and miscommunication. For this, I am sorry, and he knows it. That said, any blaming me for malicious intent is for the birds. I will not wear some scarlet letter, I will not be anybody's whipping girl, and I will not lurk in silence.
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04-05-2014, 11:20 PM
RE: So I'm thinking of going into journalism. I have a debt to pay.
(04-05-2014 11:13 PM)Charis Wrote:  Thank you. But for this year and a half, I have been afraid of coming out about it publicly. He has money. He makes 120K+ per year, and he has a lawyer. A good one. If he comes against me with accusations of slander, I have nothing to fight that with. Well, okay, I do have my diagnoses and the police reports and the report I made to DYFS after the fact, but these reports still only amount to his word against mine. I'm just scared. When I can afford it, I want to retain a lawyer who can write letters to his lawyer if she starts going after me for talking.

Work from the closet for now; an anonymous blog would probably fit the bill nicely and at least would allow you to vent if nothing else.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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07-05-2014, 12:42 AM
RE: So I'm thinking of going into journalism. I have a debt to pay.
Some debts you can't pay back. Your only hope is to pay them forward. Don't worry about what you've done in the past, be it big or small, so long as you're not likely to do it in the future. Don't worry about some sort of karmic balance sheet. Just do the damn best you can do in order to make the world a better place. That's the correct course, regardless of what your past holds.

As for journalism? Enjoyable, even if it's high pressure. I think you'll be the type to enjoy it, even if it can be periodically frustrating. (No, I'm not ragging on it.)
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07-05-2014, 02:25 AM
RE: So I'm thinking of going into journalism. I have a debt to pay.
It probably makes sense to have a blog just about the indoctrination and not reveal your atheism. That way you can reach out to people who are still abusing their children. They will be less receptive if they know that you are an atheist. It will make more practical difference than if your intended audience are atheists.
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