So daddy had a melt down last night
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18-09-2014, 06:45 AM
So daddy had a melt down last night
Yup, I crashed mentally last night.

Back data. Last week my wife was having a tough time with one of our kids. She told me she was on the verge of another breakdown. She has had lots in our marriage and the last one just about destroyed me emotionally. So having that over my head had been eating at me ever since. I have no idea what it was, but something during dinner snapped and I had to go outside to be alone. Eventually she came out and I dumped on her. I did not yell or anything.

It is final dawning on me how emotionally damaged I am. All of her threats to leave, threats to take the kids, the fall out from the meltdowns, the temper tantrums, etc have cause me to retreat into a shell to protect myself. I am not strong emotionally, so these things hurt me extremely bad. Being far from perfect I do not expect to be argument free, but the things I have done have never warranted those kind of reactions. I told my wife all these things. Told her I was not going to let her hurt me again. It sucks because I have to keep myself safe, and that means I do not get to feel much. I really do not know if I will ever be able to trust her with my emotions.

The discussion actually went well. I think this is the first time we ever discussed something that did not degrade to a fight. Where it goes from here I have no idea.

Thanks for listening.
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18-09-2014, 08:38 AM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
Hug
I think it's good that you opened up to her and the discussion went well.


I would approach the subject of communication between just the two of you now that you are out of the heat of the moment and had a breather.

More communication tends to lead to better relationships and more understanding.

My husband bottles things up, the small frustrations that pile on top of previous ones, then he lets loose eventually and to the rest of us seems like he is way over reacting to something. The girls and I seem to vent and holler as we go, but we don't carry it with us. We flip out and move on and let it go. My husband and I have learned to say to each other. I'm done, I need a time out. Or we jump in when the other is melting down and excuse them from the situation. We are good that we don't keep score on how often we have to bail each other out, and we let it go.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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18-09-2014, 09:30 AM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
(18-09-2014 08:38 AM)Bows and Arrows Wrote:  Hug
I think it's good that you opened up to her and the discussion went well.


I would approach the subject of communication between just the two of you now that you are out of the heat of the moment and had a breather.

More communication tends to lead to better relationships and more understanding.

My husband bottles things up, the small frustrations that pile on top of previous ones, then he lets loose eventually and to the rest of us seems like he is way over reacting to something. The girls and I seem to vent and holler as we go, but we don't carry it with us. We flip out and move on and let it go. My husband and I have learned to say to each other. I'm done, I need a time out. Or we jump in when the other is melting down and excuse them from the situation. We are good that we don't keep score on how often we have to bail each other out, and we let it go.

we don't keep score

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Can't say it enough.

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We have enough youth. How about looking for the Fountain of Smart?
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18-09-2014, 09:35 AM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
Thank you both. I am in a bit of a dog vs rolled up newspaper situation. My wife has always been extremely aggressive and quick to anger so it made discussing just about anything impossible. The fact we were able to talk last night is a bit of a surprise, it is so much of a surprise it makes me wonder if something else is going on. I was totally expecting to get my head bitten off.
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18-09-2014, 09:53 AM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
(18-09-2014 09:35 AM)wazzel Wrote:  Thank you both. I am in a bit of a dog vs rolled up newspaper situation. My wife has always been extremely aggressive and quick to anger so it made discussing just about anything impossible. The fact we were able to talk last night is a bit of a surprise, it is so much of a surprise it makes me wonder if something else is going on. I was totally expecting to get my head bitten off.

Well, try not to borrow trouble. Just accept it for what it was. You could maybe thank her for listening to you. Positive reinforcement...

Wish I could offer more advice, but sometimes there just isn't. Sometimes when communication isn't what it should be, there are ways to improve it.


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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18-09-2014, 10:24 AM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
I understand there are some big downsides to getting a divorce but from everything you have been saying I would recommend it. This relationship qualifies as toxic. If it is getting to the point that her threat of another breakdown is causing you to fully withdraw there seems to be little left to salvage.

(31-07-2014 04:37 PM)Luminon Wrote:  America is full of guns, but they're useless, because nobody has the courage to shoot an IRS agent in self-defense
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19-09-2014, 07:25 AM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
(18-09-2014 09:53 AM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  
(18-09-2014 09:35 AM)wazzel Wrote:  Thank you both. I am in a bit of a dog vs rolled up newspaper situation. My wife has always been extremely aggressive and quick to anger so it made discussing just about anything impossible. The fact we were able to talk last night is a bit of a surprise, it is so much of a surprise it makes me wonder if something else is going on. I was totally expecting to get my head bitten off.

Well, try not to borrow trouble. Just accept it for what it was. You could maybe thank her for listening to you. Positive reinforcement...

Wish I could offer more advice, but sometimes there just isn't. Sometimes when communication isn't what it should be, there are ways to improve it.

I am not and I did.

Last night was back to the usual tense silence, man it sucks. I am so glad I had options to leave the house. I had to pick up my girls from after school band. I actually left much earlier that I had to just to get out. It is not out of the ordinary for me to go early on the days I pick them up. When I have time I like to watch them rehearse. Later in the night I had band rehearsal. When I got home from rehearsal I had to take one of the kids to the store to pick up some school related items.

Speaking of band. I had joined the community band playing sax as just a musical filler since playing bass in cover bands just was not going to happen due to time constraints. I have gotten to the point where I am loving playing my sax again.
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19-09-2014, 10:05 AM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
This sounds absolutely miserable. Hug I teared up when you compared your situation to a dog getting hit with a newspaper.

You don't have to answer these questions, just think about them. Is this relationship worth it? Is it worth it to her? Do you even love her anymore?

If the answer to any of those is no, I'd start looking at divorce.


It sounds like you did let her in emotionally the other night. Did it help?

Does she manipulate your emotions and what you share against you? If so, just let her go. No one deserves that kind of abuse from the person that is supposed to be their greatest support. Your wife (lover, partner) should be the one you turn to and share your inner emotions with, not hide from. Life is too short to spend it miserable and with people that mistreat you.


My brother's soon to be ex-wife of 13 years is very manipulative and can be quite cruel. He stayed for the kids. Last summer she threatened divorce when he came out of the atheist closet, and he said, "Ok. I'm done. I can't do this with you anymore." I haven't seen him this happy in years.


The major strife in my own relationship is atheism vs Christianity. I'm also out of town half of each week - he told me I'm not making enough of an effort to communicate with him on my work days, so I've been trying to step it up and do a better job of showing him I care. He's worth fighting for. He is still my best friend and greatest support. We are opening up the communication about religion and what's acceptable in raising our son, and things have started to improve.

I'm the one in the relationship that tends to retreat into a shell - it really hurts him when I do. I don't like how it makes me feel vulnerable, but he has never given me a reason to distrust him with my emotions. I don't always understand my emotions, and he does a great job of helping me figure them out.

I understand what it's like to be emotionally damaged - but not from a romantic relationship. I wouldn't be able to tolerate a toxic relationship without completely breaking down. I hope things get better for you, whether it's because you sever ties or your relationship improves. Something's gotta give - don't let this be status quo for your life. You deserve better than this.

"If there's a single thing that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." - Lev Grossman
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19-09-2014, 10:58 AM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
I can give you three "maybe's".

If it helps remains to bee seen.

Her tools of manipulations are anger and sex. She tries guilt, but that one does not work on me. Anger is an easy way to get me compliant since I do not like to fight. On less important things I will comply to avoid the conflict. She will go in to killer mode for little things. It has to be really important for me to make any kind of stink.

I suspect if I told her I no longer believed in god she would threaten me with divorce.
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19-09-2014, 11:14 AM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
From personal experience, "saving the marriage" is a lousy justification for remaining miserable. At least it was in my case. Your mileage may vary.

I went from down and depressed to euphorically happy in less than 24 hours, which surprised the hell out of me.

Perhaps you can discover who you really are if you're not being told who you should be.

Hug

We have enough youth. How about looking for the Fountain of Smart?
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