So daddy had a melt down last night
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
25-09-2014, 11:02 AM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
(25-09-2014 10:26 AM)wazzel Wrote:  
(25-09-2014 10:22 AM)Dom Wrote:  If she has a history of it there has been something wrong for a long time.

People always blow up or fight about small, unimportant things when there is a major issue they do not want to address.

Bottled up emotions escape one way or another, they need to be released for mental health. So it is often safer to release them with unrelated, small shit.

Which is why you have divorces over squeezing the tooth paste or hanging the toilet paper the wrong way...

While what you say is true, some people use their temper to get their way when they know the other person will back down. I don't fight.

Well, really either way, it sounds that she (and you by default likely) needs to go see someone. If you suggest a counselor and she turns it down, then I am holding an empty bag of tricks here, too.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
25-09-2014, 11:24 AM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
(25-09-2014 10:24 AM)wazzel Wrote:  
(25-09-2014 10:08 AM)WitchSabrina Wrote:  I think your wife is bi polar or a depression sufferer. She needs medical attention.
Dont wait for it to get worse. Get help or get divorced.
Nothing worse than years piled on years of unhappiness..... For you both.
Sometimes people should just not be married to one another.
My armchair therapist opinion is BPD. She is seeing someone, I think. I know she was not so long ago and she was on meds. That could have all changed, she does not keep me updated. If I ask I get accused of not trusting her, if I snoop to find out it is much worse. Two previous times she saw someone she did not tell me. Both of them put her on mood altering meds and she did not tell me. I figured it out, because the meds made her meaner than normal. The only reason she is (maybe) seeing someone now is I threatened to throw her out after she woke up my oldest in the middle of the night to pick a fight with her. It was get your act together or get out. The fight woke me up, which means it was loud since I sleep like a dead man. She has a habit of keeping things from me, it is worrying.

I wasn't going to even comment until ^^this^^ ... I feel like I'm viewing rerun highlights from my own marriage. Undecided
***

I can not stress this enough: Don't stay with someone because you feel sorry for them or you are just waiting for the kids to grow up. It does no one any good to continue a relationship which consistently undermines quality of living - it only builds resentment all around.

The best and most productive thing to come out of your marriage is your kids ... concentrate on that aspect. Your children may need counseling. They have been exposed to their Mother's unacceptable behavior and may misunderstand it as normal; it is not. Possibly go with them to family counseling... if their Mother insists on attending, good. If not, the situation should become obvious to the counselor.

Do yourself a favor and check in with a lawyer to assess separation/divorce options and to make certain the kids are fully taken care of. Consultation can't hurt and you'll at least know your avenues of legal protection - especially regarding the rights of your kids.

If you think you can't go through a divorce because "it will hurt the kids", you do not see that they are already painfully struggling. Most likely they have kept their struggles from you ... they've had a skilled teacher.

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 4 users Like kim's post
25-09-2014, 11:37 AM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
(18-09-2014 06:45 AM)wazzel Wrote:  Yup, I crashed mentally last night.

Back data. Last week my wife was having a tough time with one of our kids. She told me she was on the verge of another breakdown. She has had lots in our marriage and the last one just about destroyed me emotionally. So having that over my head had been eating at me ever since. I have no idea what it was, but something during dinner snapped and I had to go outside to be alone. Eventually she came out and I dumped on her. I did not yell or anything.

It is final dawning on me how emotionally damaged I am. All of her threats to leave, threats to take the kids, the fall out from the meltdowns, the temper tantrums, etc have cause me to retreat into a shell to protect myself. I am not strong emotionally, so these things hurt me extremely bad. Being far from perfect I do not expect to be argument free, but the things I have done have never warranted those kind of reactions. I told my wife all these things. Told her I was not going to let her hurt me again. It sucks because I have to keep myself safe, and that means I do not get to feel much. I really do not know if I will ever be able to trust her with my emotions.

The discussion actually went well. I think this is the first time we ever discussed something that did not degrade to a fight. Where it goes from here I have no idea.

Thanks for listening.

NO matter how painful or hard it is to do, open honest clear communication between the two of you on why and how you feel is essential for a meaningful, healthy, loving relationship. When tensions inevitably get high, take a quick break, say I need to clear my head, and go for a walk, come back, make a cup of tea and sit down like two adults and talk about it once you both have had time to de-escalate your emotions. You can never make headway in a positive manner when you are running at high revs, emotion blocks the ability to think and act appropriately. This is when things get said that do permanent damage to relationships. I advise talking about the actions or results of actions rather than placing specific blame on the person.

"you gotta stop spending money like it grows on trees" (blame, forces the recipient into a defensive/offensive position..argument ensures)

could be better phrased as...

"I feel if we continue to both swipe our cards indiscriminately throughout the week it will make it impossible to balance our budget and reach our goal". (joint blame)

or even better

"Maybe we need to sit down and really map out our expenses to see what we can modify so we can reach our goal of buying a home/paying off our home early etc." (no blame, addresses the problem...spending, without placing blame)

Things to think about. Other advise..

Take time to ensure you both find time for each other, yourselves, the family as a whole. Everyone needs all three of those, and in a busy household with kids, stressors etc it gets hard to remember how important all three of those are. There is always a way if you make it a priority. Love each other, your kid/s and yourself enough to make that a priority. Yes it rubs us wrong to have to schedule a "date night" with each other, but in these days, it is essential. My wife and I do one every week, sometimes it just means, one night we unplug from our laptops, pour a glass of wine and watch a romantic comedy on the couch together, or go sit outside and wrap up in a blanket on the back porch and watch the sun set...it doesn't require money, it requires love.

Best of luck, hope my rambling helps...coming from a guy on his 4th marriage, so take it with a grain of salt, but I have learned slowly from my mistakes Tongue

"Belief is so often the death of reason" - Qyburn, Game of Thrones

"The Christian community continues to exist because the conclusions of the critical study of the Bible are largely withheld from them." -Hans Conzelmann (1915-1989)
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like goodwithoutgod's post
25-09-2014, 12:06 PM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
(25-09-2014 11:24 AM)kim Wrote:  
(25-09-2014 10:24 AM)wazzel Wrote:  My armchair therapist opinion is BPD. She is seeing someone, I think. I know she was not so long ago and she was on meds. That could have all changed, she does not keep me updated. If I ask I get accused of not trusting her, if I snoop to find out it is much worse. Two previous times she saw someone she did not tell me. Both of them put her on mood altering meds and she did not tell me. I figured it out, because the meds made her meaner than normal. The only reason she is (maybe) seeing someone now is I threatened to throw her out after she woke up my oldest in the middle of the night to pick a fight with her. It was get your act together or get out. The fight woke me up, which means it was loud since I sleep like a dead man. She has a habit of keeping things from me, it is worrying.

I wasn't going to even comment until ^^this^^ ... I feel like I'm viewing rerun highlights from my own marriage. Undecided
***

I can not stress this enough: Don't stay with someone because you feel sorry for them or you are just waiting for the kids to grow up. It does no one any good to continue a relationship which consistently undermines quality of living - it only builds resentment all around.

The best and most productive thing to come out of your marriage is your kids ... concentrate on that aspect. Your children may need counseling. They have been exposed to their Mother's unacceptable behavior and may misunderstand it as normal; it is not. Possibly go with them to family counseling... if their Mother insists on attending, good. If not, the situation should become obvious to the counselor.

Do yourself a favor and check in with a lawyer to assess separation/divorce options and to make certain the kids are fully taken care of. Consultation can't hurt and you'll at least know your avenues of legal protection - especially regarding the rights of your kids.

If you think you can't go through a divorce because "it will hurt the kids", you do not see that they are already painfully struggling. Most likely they have kept their struggles from you ... they've had a skilled teacher.

My girls are both seeing a therapist, two different ones at the same practice. The therapist have both suggested us having a family session, but the girls do not want to have their mother involved at all. According to my girls they would be fine with me, but neither of them really see the point since I already know everything they talk about.

I have checked, it would be painful but recoverable financially. I should be able to get no less than 50/50 custody.

No, they talk to me. My younger daughter broke down last night over some things mom had done. Even tho there is not much I can do at least I know.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
25-09-2014, 12:26 PM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
(25-09-2014 11:37 AM)goodwithoutgod Wrote:  
(18-09-2014 06:45 AM)wazzel Wrote:  Yup, I crashed mentally last night.

Back data. Last week my wife was having a tough time with one of our kids. She told me she was on the verge of another breakdown. She has had lots in our marriage and the last one just about destroyed me emotionally. So having that over my head had been eating at me ever since. I have no idea what it was, but something during dinner snapped and I had to go outside to be alone. Eventually she came out and I dumped on her. I did not yell or anything.

It is final dawning on me how emotionally damaged I am. All of her threats to leave, threats to take the kids, the fall out from the meltdowns, the temper tantrums, etc have cause me to retreat into a shell to protect myself. I am not strong emotionally, so these things hurt me extremely bad. Being far from perfect I do not expect to be argument free, but the things I have done have never warranted those kind of reactions. I told my wife all these things. Told her I was not going to let her hurt me again. It sucks because I have to keep myself safe, and that means I do not get to feel much. I really do not know if I will ever be able to trust her with my emotions.

The discussion actually went well. I think this is the first time we ever discussed something that did not degrade to a fight. Where it goes from here I have no idea.

Thanks for listening.

NO matter how painful or hard it is to do, open honest clear communication between the two of you on why and how you feel is essential for a meaningful, healthy, loving relationship. When tensions inevitably get high, take a quick break, say I need to clear my head, and go for a walk, come back, make a cup of tea and sit down like two adults and talk about it once you both have had time to de-escalate your emotions. You can never make headway in a positive manner when you are running at high revs, emotion blocks the ability to think and act appropriately. This is when things get said that do permanent damage to relationships. I advise talking about the actions or results of actions rather than placing specific blame on the person.

"you gotta stop spending money like it grows on trees" (blame, forces the recipient into a defensive/offensive position..argument ensures)

could be better phrased as...

"I feel if we continue to both swipe our cards indiscriminately throughout the week it will make it impossible to balance our budget and reach our goal". (joint blame)

or even better

"Maybe we need to sit down and really map out our expenses to see what we can modify so we can reach our goal of buying a home/paying off our home early etc." (no blame, addresses the problem...spending, without placing blame)

Things to think about. Other advise..

Take time to ensure you both find time for each other, yourselves, the family as a whole. Everyone needs all three of those, and in a busy household with kids, stressors etc it gets hard to remember how important all three of those are. There is always a way if you make it a priority. Love each other, your kid/s and yourself enough to make that a priority. Yes it rubs us wrong to have to schedule a "date night" with each other, but in these days, it is essential. My wife and I do one every week, sometimes it just means, one night we unplug from our laptops, pour a glass of wine and watch a romantic comedy on the couch together, or go sit outside and wrap up in a blanket on the back porch and watch the sun set...it doesn't require money, it requires love.

Best of luck, hope my rambling helps...coming from a guy on his 4th marriage, so take it with a grain of salt, but I have learned slowly from my mistakes Tongue

I have tried so many different approaches to our problems I am at a complete loss on what to do next. The current one is she wants me to be "in charge". Fine I have no problem making decisions, setting goals, budget, etc. I try to include her to get buy in, but she is not interested until I make a decision. Then I get given a hard time over the decision I made. We have gone round and round on this one for a long while. It is really frustrating for me. I would prefer a partnership where we work through things together instead of me having to guess what is the acceptable solution to her.

As far as date night, unless I make a big production she is not interested. I used to try and make an hour or so for us after the kids went to bed, but after a few years of fighting the TV, computer and smartphone I gave up. If she is not willing to put those things down to make time for us I am not going to beat my head against a wall.

We make a budget - she blows it
We make a menu - she changes it
We make plans - she does not stick to them
the list goes on and on.

It may sound like I am inflexible, but that is far from the truth. For the most part I can only count on her not doing what she said she would do. At least she is consistent.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
25-09-2014, 12:49 PM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
(25-09-2014 12:26 PM)wazzel Wrote:  I have tried so many different approaches to our problems I am at a complete loss on what to do next.
---

Nope. You know; you just don't want to do it.

It is not running away from problems rather, it is taking charge of the best option to remedy those problems.

Contrary to popular notion, divorce is not a defeat, it is most often many lessons learned and often results in many victories in the future.

See a lawyer, draw up papers, and make them as airtight as possible. Resolve this for the entire family. By the way ...it's very likely your wife wants a divorce ... don't be surprised if she already has her papers in order. Drinking Beverage

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like kim's post
25-09-2014, 01:25 PM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
(25-09-2014 12:26 PM)wazzel Wrote:  
(25-09-2014 11:37 AM)goodwithoutgod Wrote:  NO matter how painful or hard it is to do, open honest clear communication between the two of you on why and how you feel is essential for a meaningful, healthy, loving relationship. When tensions inevitably get high, take a quick break, say I need to clear my head, and go for a walk, come back, make a cup of tea and sit down like two adults and talk about it once you both have had time to de-escalate your emotions. You can never make headway in a positive manner when you are running at high revs, emotion blocks the ability to think and act appropriately. This is when things get said that do permanent damage to relationships. I advise talking about the actions or results of actions rather than placing specific blame on the person.

"you gotta stop spending money like it grows on trees" (blame, forces the recipient into a defensive/offensive position..argument ensures)

could be better phrased as...

"I feel if we continue to both swipe our cards indiscriminately throughout the week it will make it impossible to balance our budget and reach our goal". (joint blame)

or even better

"Maybe we need to sit down and really map out our expenses to see what we can modify so we can reach our goal of buying a home/paying off our home early etc." (no blame, addresses the problem...spending, without placing blame)

Things to think about. Other advise..

Take time to ensure you both find time for each other, yourselves, the family as a whole. Everyone needs all three of those, and in a busy household with kids, stressors etc it gets hard to remember how important all three of those are. There is always a way if you make it a priority. Love each other, your kid/s and yourself enough to make that a priority. Yes it rubs us wrong to have to schedule a "date night" with each other, but in these days, it is essential. My wife and I do one every week, sometimes it just means, one night we unplug from our laptops, pour a glass of wine and watch a romantic comedy on the couch together, or go sit outside and wrap up in a blanket on the back porch and watch the sun set...it doesn't require money, it requires love.

Best of luck, hope my rambling helps...coming from a guy on his 4th marriage, so take it with a grain of salt, but I have learned slowly from my mistakes Tongue

I have tried so many different approaches to our problems I am at a complete loss on what to do next. The current one is she wants me to be "in charge". Fine I have no problem making decisions, setting goals, budget, etc. I try to include her to get buy in, but she is not interested until I make a decision. Then I get given a hard time over the decision I made. We have gone round and round on this one for a long while. It is really frustrating for me. I would prefer a partnership where we work through things together instead of me having to guess what is the acceptable solution to her.

As far as date night, unless I make a big production she is not interested. I used to try and make an hour or so for us after the kids went to bed, but after a few years of fighting the TV, computer and smartphone I gave up. If she is not willing to put those things down to make time for us I am not going to beat my head against a wall.

We make a budget - she blows it
We make a menu - she changes it
We make plans - she does not stick to them
the list goes on and on.

It may sound like I am inflexible, but that is far from the truth. For the most part I can only count on her not doing what she said she would do. At least she is consistent.

That is her setting you up for the fall guy. "Well that is what YOU decided to do".....sometimes the best thing may be what is best for the kids, and that may not include the two of you living together a married couple, sometimes too much damage is done to truly recover, and to plaster on a smile and "do it for the kids" or "do it because I cant afford a divorce" is just kicking the can down the road to the inevitable...wish I could say otherwise. Confused

If the partnership isn't a partnership, and the business is failing, sometimes you gotta do what ya gotta do.....I truly feel for you, and hope it somehow all works out for the best.....remember though, life is too short to be miserable.

"Belief is so often the death of reason" - Qyburn, Game of Thrones

"The Christian community continues to exist because the conclusions of the critical study of the Bible are largely withheld from them." -Hans Conzelmann (1915-1989)
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like goodwithoutgod's post
25-09-2014, 01:32 PM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
I agree with what the others are saying but I would add that you do a session with each of your girls therapists. While your daughters share with you, I think it's important as a parent for you discuss with a trained professional exactly how it is affecting them from a medical standpoint.

If your daughter had diabetes, you would meet with the doctor to figure out a treatment plan, things to watch out for, things to monitor, things to change, etc so that her health improves. I feel this situation is no different. The stress at home is taking a toll and some of your wife's problems could give your kids a tendency to have the same issues, meet with the professional and get all the info for a plan for the future.

After those meetings you will also have more information to help you decide how to proceed in your marriage.

Hug


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like Bows and Arrows's post
25-09-2014, 06:23 PM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
What they said, so much better than I did.

For your own sake and the sake of the kids, it's time to move on.

We have enough youth. How about looking for the Fountain of Smart?
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
25-09-2014, 06:37 PM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
Seems to me that what is happening is your girls are learning how marriages/relationships are supposed to work. But they are learning the wrong things. They are seeing one aggressor and one who works to smooth things over or at least not make things worse.

It sure sounds like something has to happen and you are going to have to be the one to make it happen.

Talk to a lawyer and find out what steps you have to take to protect yourself and the kids. Don't forget to ask about he inevitable fallout when your wife finds out...anything from more anger to begging and acting like she has/will change to make it work.

Good luck.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Anjele's post
Post Reply
Forum Jump: