So daddy had a melt down last night
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26-09-2014, 07:11 AM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
Thanks you all. I have looked into divorce and was close to pulling the plug not to long ago. Two things stopped me, and probably still do. One is it would be financially difficult for a while and I do not want to negatively impact my kids. The second is I am conflict averse. I know going down that path would be a long drawn out conflict with my kids being tossed in the middle by my wife. I really do not want them in the cross fire. They get caught in some now, but I think it would be so much worse during a divorce.
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26-09-2014, 08:41 AM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
(26-09-2014 07:11 AM)wazzel Wrote:  Thanks you all. I have looked into divorce and was close to pulling the plug not to long ago. Two things stopped me, and probably still do. One is it would be financially difficult for a while and I do not want to negatively impact my kids. The second is I am conflict averse. I know going down that path would be a long drawn out conflict with my kids being tossed in the middle by my wife. I really do not want them in the cross fire. They get caught in some now, but I think it would be so much worse during a divorce.

Actually what you are doing now is far far worse on the kids.

(31-07-2014 04:37 PM)Luminon Wrote:  America is full of guns, but they're useless, because nobody has the courage to shoot an IRS agent in self-defense
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26-09-2014, 05:05 PM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
Hug

We have enough youth. How about looking for the Fountain of Smart?
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27-09-2014, 02:03 AM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
Your wife's behavior sounds so familiar. She sounds like me, especially up until about 10 years ago. Not only am I bipolar, but I also have borderline personality disorder. I've worked very hard to get rid of the screwed up thought processes that cause me to do crazy, mean, destructive shit. I still have my days where I'm nothing less than a raging bitch but they are so infrequent that I'll lose track of when the last episode was. (July 11, 2014. Our 4th granddaughter was born that day. I also seriously broke my hand by punching a wall.)

Look up borderline personality disorder. Have the sessions with your daughters. Talk to a lawyer. Ask for full custody if you decide to make the split. The fact that your kids are in therapy already will make a huge difference. That will help mitigate a lot of the cross fire. Most of all, good luck.
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27-09-2014, 09:05 AM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
(18-09-2014 06:45 AM)wazzel Wrote:  Yup, I crashed mentally last night.

Back data. Last week my wife was having a tough time with one of our kids. She told me she was on the verge of another breakdown. She has had lots in our marriage and the last one just about destroyed me emotionally. So having that over my head had been eating at me ever since. I have no idea what it was, but something during dinner snapped and I had to go outside to be alone. Eventually she came out and I dumped on her. I did not yell or anything.

It is final dawning on me how emotionally damaged I am. All of her threats to leave, threats to take the kids, the fall out from the meltdowns, the temper tantrums, etc have cause me to retreat into a shell to protect myself. I am not strong emotionally, so these things hurt me extremely bad. Being far from perfect I do not expect to be argument free, but the things I have done have never warranted those kind of reactions. I told my wife all these things. Told her I was not going to let her hurt me again. It sucks because I have to keep myself safe, and that means I do not get to feel much. I really do not know if I will ever be able to trust her with my emotions.

The discussion actually went well. I think this is the first time we ever discussed something that did not degrade to a fight. Where it goes from here I have no idea.

Thanks for listening.


I think its really good that you opened up to her and told her how you feel, hopefully things will be better for you to from now on.
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27-09-2014, 10:05 AM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
(26-09-2014 07:11 AM)wazzel Wrote:  Thanks you all. I have looked into divorce and was close to pulling the plug not to long ago. Two things stopped me, and probably still do. One is it would be financially difficult for a while and I do not want to negatively impact my kids. The second is I am conflict averse. I know going down that path would be a long drawn out conflict with my kids being tossed in the middle by my wife. I really do not want them in the cross fire. They get caught in some now, but I think it would be so much worse during a divorce.

Been there, done that and had the same concerns. I think I worked harder on my divorce/post divorce relationship then my marriage Consider

I approached it like two partners that have to breakdown a business, and the business is KIDS inc.


I opened with, "however we got here, we got here, and there is no reason to destroy each other parting ways, and no reason to needlessly and negatively impact the kids either. They didn't do anything wrong, this is an adult problem and we need to address it. First thing we need to focus on is the kids, to jointly work together to ensure they have what they need, a safe home to live in, and the understanding that just because mom and dad have decided it is best for all if we don't live together, we still love them and will work together to minimize the drama, and focus on what matters, which is them. I promise to never, ever say anything derogatory about you or our past relationship in front of the kids...ever. The only ones that get hurt by that is the kids. I promise to always try to put what they need first, with the understanding you and I have to be okay financially so we can give them the things and support they need, which means not unnecessarily undermining each other or intentionally hurting each other. If we go after each other, we must remember the kids are the only ones that pay in the end. It isn't about ego, hurt feelings, regret, it is about realizing if we hadn't gotten together, married and had these beautiful children, they wouldn't be in the world, and who could possibly regret that? So lets ensure we focus on what matters...them. How we got here, who said what, etc...isn't relevant anymore....."

just my two cents...it was rocky at first, and I had to almost bite my tongue off many times, but in the end, focusing on the kids, and taking the high road on not returning shitty comments with shitty comments paid off. We all get along famously now, we are both remarried, the kids are extremely happy and stable, and we all get together occasionally to show the kids we can....it works. You can make it work too, just got to focus on what matters...

"Belief is so often the death of reason" - Qyburn, Game of Thrones

"The Christian community continues to exist because the conclusions of the critical study of the Bible are largely withheld from them." -Hans Conzelmann (1915-1989)
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30-09-2014, 11:43 AM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
Sooooooooooo, now I really dislike going home for lunch when the wife is off. I live 1.5 miles from where I work, I go home for lunch every day. Partially to tend to our animals and partially just to get out of the office for an hour. Most days I am home by myself and enjoy a quiet 30-40 minutes playing with the dog or just watching my fish tank. On the few days my wife is home I usually cut my lunch short. Rarely does she stop what she if doing to talk with me when it may be the only time we have to talk in private over the course of a week. Sometimes she is doing something productive, but most of the time she is goofing off (watching TV, playing candy crush, facebook, etc). I get frustrated that it is near impossible to get her to engage in a conversation with me. On the few days she decides to grace me with her presence it is almost always to complain. Today was one of those days.

Her point of contention was the girls not keeping up their rooms. She when into one of them to do something and was not happy with the condition. To be honest, neither am I but we have allowed them to live in such a manner and with out both of us working on the problem nothing will change. When I was done eating she wanted to take me on a tour of their rooms. I had no intention of doing that, I know how it was going to go and I have see dirty rooms before. Her first reaction was to punish them. My response we that will not produce the results she is looking for. If we want them to keep their rooms better it will take nightly policing by one of us, with both of use doing it consistentantly. Of course she did not like that and went on to tell me I do not punish them enough. I do not see where punishing kids for every little thing accomplishes anything. When I do punish my kids it is harsh because they stepped way out of line. Most of the time I just make them "fix the problem" and move on. The wife's first reaction of to take something away and not deal with the issue. But any way............

Today she just kept going on and on. After a bit of listening and seeing no end in sight I told her "I can support checking on the kids every night and making sure they keep up their rooms, no problem. What I can not support is having you bitch at me my entire lunch hour. I am going back to work, see you later, have a nice afternoon." Then I walked out calmly, headed back to work and here I am.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr, this really pisses me off every time.
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30-09-2014, 12:04 PM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
(30-09-2014 11:43 AM)wazzel Wrote:  went on to tell me I do not punish them enough. I do not see where punishing kids for every little thing accomplishes anything.

Have you had a calm conversation about your differences parenting styles when you aren't in the midst of talking about what the kids current offense is?

Maybe talk revolving around the why and why not of your styles. Each person can be motivated or unmotivated in different ways, each child might need to be parented in a different style.

One child might be motivated with rewards, another is motivated by avoiding consequences. Just like employees some want more money, some want more time off.

When you figure out what makes each child motivated, share that info with each other.

Just some thoughts I had while reading your latest post.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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30-09-2014, 12:13 PM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
(30-09-2014 12:04 PM)Bows and Arrows Wrote:  
(30-09-2014 11:43 AM)wazzel Wrote:  went on to tell me I do not punish them enough. I do not see where punishing kids for every little thing accomplishes anything.

Have you had a calm conversation about your differences parenting styles when you aren't in the midst of talking about what the kids current offense is?

Maybe talk revolving around the why and why not of your styles. Each person can be motivated or unmotivated in different ways, each child might need to be parented in a different style.

One child might be motivated with rewards, another is motivated by avoiding consequences. Just like employees some want more money, some want more time off.

When you figure out what makes each child motivated, share that info with each other.

Just some thoughts I had while reading your latest post.

Yes I have tried. It never went well. This subject, like just about every other one we tried to discuss, turns into a fight. I do not know what the deal is, but my wife is wired to win the fight instead of finding the problem and fixing it. There are very few times we arrived at a unified way forward. As far as I can remember, those times were when there was really only one solution anyway.

I have been a doormat for so long, I think the fact that I do not take this crap anymore is catching her off guard.
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01-10-2014, 02:41 PM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
(30-09-2014 12:13 PM)wazzel Wrote:  
(30-09-2014 12:04 PM)Bows and Arrows Wrote:  Have you had a calm conversation about your differences parenting styles when you aren't in the midst of talking about what the kids current offense is?

Maybe talk revolving around the why and why not of your styles. Each person can be motivated or unmotivated in different ways, each child might need to be parented in a different style.

One child might be motivated with rewards, another is motivated by avoiding consequences. Just like employees some want more money, some want more time off.

When you figure out what makes each child motivated, share that info with each other.

Just some thoughts I had while reading your latest post.

Yes I have tried. It never went well. This subject, like just about every other one we tried to discuss, turns into a fight. I do not know what the deal is, but my wife is wired to win the fight instead of finding the problem and fixing it. There are very few times we arrived at a unified way forward. As far as I can remember, those times were when there was really only one solution anyway.

I have been a doormat for so long, I think the fact that I do not take this crap anymore is catching her off guard.

It's hard to know when to give up the fight.
The things you want that will never be right.




Skepticism is not a position; it is an approach to claims.
Science is not a subject, but a method.
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