So daddy had a melt down last night
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16-10-2014, 08:13 AM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
(16-10-2014 07:52 AM)wazzel Wrote:  Found out last night my wife had an ambush therapy session with our oldest. My daughter told me about it when she got home from band practice. My wife neglected to tell either our daughter or me about it before hand. Our daughter was supper surprised when it ended up being a group session. I asked my wife about it after the kids were in bed. She claims she told me. I have a fairly good memory so I find it hard to believe that she did and I forgot. Knowing how bad their relationship is I would have questioned if that was a good idea at this time, if I would have known. She did tell me she was picking up the oldest for a 1:00 appointment, but she has been having issues with her eyes so I figured it was about that.

Was that with an actual, certified, non-clergy therapist?

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16-10-2014, 08:24 AM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
(16-10-2014 08:13 AM)Chas Wrote:  
(16-10-2014 07:52 AM)wazzel Wrote:  Found out last night my wife had an ambush therapy session with our oldest. My daughter told me about it when she got home from band practice. My wife neglected to tell either our daughter or me about it before hand. Our daughter was supper surprised when it ended up being a group session. I asked my wife about it after the kids were in bed. She claims she told me. I have a fairly good memory so I find it hard to believe that she did and I forgot. Knowing how bad their relationship is I would have questioned if that was a good idea at this time, if I would have known. She did tell me she was picking up the oldest for a 1:00 appointment, but she has been having issues with her eyes so I figured it was about that.

Was that with an actual, certified, non-clergy therapist?

Mostly, the therapist in an intern non-clergy version working under the direction of a licensed non-clergy therapist. Being in a small town there are not many licensed therapist to choose from. My daughter likes her.
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16-10-2014, 09:10 AM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
Do you know if your daughter was able to maneuver through her mother's manipulative excuses during the therapy session? It is possible she brought the daughter in, thinking she would easily corroborate her excuses. In her view, a teen might be easier to manipulate but also, she could later use the situation to illustrate that "YOU have even turned her children against her".

Make certain the children aren't placed in the middle ... speak to the therapist about this. A child should not -CAN NOT- be made to understand, let alone validate the behavior of an adult - especially when the adult is irrational.

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16-10-2014, 10:46 AM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
(16-10-2014 09:10 AM)kim Wrote:  Do you know if your daughter was able to maneuver through her mother's manipulative excuses during the therapy session? It is possible she brought the daughter in, thinking she would easily corroborate her excuses. In her view, a teen might be easier to manipulate but also, she could later use the situation to illustrate that "YOU have even turned her children against her".

Make certain the children aren't placed in the middle ... speak to the therapist about this. A child should not -CAN NOT- be made to understand, let alone validate the behavior of an adult - especially when the adult is irrational.

I would say this daughter is able to fend off the manipulations. IMO wife is in fix everything now panic mode. I have seen it before. Last year after a nasty middle of the night fight with the oldest I told my wife to get her act together or get out and she acted like she is acting now, for a while. She does think we conspire against her. I was accused of that the day I told her I wanted a divorce and her to leave. It happened before that by several hours.

I am doing my best to keep the kids out of this. Happy face is put on in front of them. My wife is know for making them pick sides, which is tough on them.

Not sure if that answers your question. I know our daughter was really mad and felt ambushed, she told me so.
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16-10-2014, 11:46 AM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
when do you plan to tell them? Do you have a plan? If I was the child, I would want to know right away.

I would imagine that you would tell them in a way that they can handle, rather than it coming from left field when your wife is feeling manipulative.


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16-10-2014, 11:54 AM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
(16-10-2014 11:46 AM)Bows and Arrows Wrote:  when do you plan to tell them? Do you have a plan? If I was the child, I would want to know right away.

I would imagine that you would tell them in a way that they can handle, rather than it coming from left field when your wife is feeling manipulative.

Sadly I do not have a plan. My kids all know I am extremely unhappy. The oldest two have asked many times over the years why I stay. I doubt it would be much of a surprise to them.

Like I said, I feel like a wimp for not being more forceful to make it happen.
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16-10-2014, 12:10 PM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
Pile them in the car, stop for ice cream, drive to the park to eat and break it to them all at once.

Having all three hear the news at the same will help them to know they are getting all of the information and each can benefit from hearing the others questions and answers.

you might be surprised by their reaction, and they could give you the boost to get thru this.

If they react with a cheer, what a relief, eh?


edited to add: I wouldnt do it at home, and I wouldnt do it someplace where they had to keep their emotions inside ( like in an ice cream shop- in a park you can pick an out of the way table for privacy, if some needs some space they can walk a bit, and once the conversation is over, you can leave)


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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16-10-2014, 06:33 PM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
I hold a PhD in Procrastination, so I'm hardly the one to talk.

But jeez - your situation is hurting all involved. It's time to make a move.

Hug

At least 4 of you will feel *much* better afterwards.

We have enough youth. How about looking for the Fountain of Smart?
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21-10-2014, 02:35 AM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
It is hard with kids you can't just pack up and leave when she is out. Being in a similarish toxic relationship before, only 4 years and fortunately no kids, but that's what I had to do. Start with a break if that is financially possible. In a normal relationship fights happen, but reoccurring lack of empathy by one partner will doom you to dissappointment again and again. When the cracks are too big they just keep getting bigger. Talk to the kids, make plans, escape from a toxic relationship is like a new lease on life. Mind you this is internet advice YOU have to judge when its time, what is the red line and stick to it. Best option as always is to be totally truthful and fearless you will earn the respect of your kids, yourself and maybe your wife (though I doubt it you set a precedent by the sounds) when you lay down the law. Make sure you consult with your GP to manage any depression/anxiety this has caused. Best of luck :-). Tough times don't last tough people do.
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31-10-2014, 09:15 AM
RE: So daddy had a melt down last night
thinking of you today.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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