So my father managed to kill himself today.
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14-03-2013, 03:37 PM
So my father managed to kill himself today.
The worst part is I don't know how I feel about it.

I feel sad, as I would for any human who felt it necessary to take their own life. I've been on the brink myself numerous times. It's a horrible state of mind to be in.

On the other hand, I feel indifferent, almost relieved he is gone. He was a jerk, verbally abusive to my mother, half-sister, and myself. He felt the need to judge everyone all the time and let them know what he thinks, all un-constructive criticism. He was heavily religious, and pushed it on everyone he met, every minute of the day. His zealotry and disregard for others drove away all his family, myself included.

Over the last few months he has been fighting my mother over a legal separation. He had a few health problems that interfered with his ability to work, but he refused to accept government assistance. He drove my mother away many times, but she always went back. About a year ago she finally decided it was enough and went for separation. Because of his past behavior, he was jumping from house to house; any of his church 'buddies' that would give him a roof over his head was where he lived.

This was also not the first time he tried to kill himself either. I don't know the details of all of them, but there is one that I do remember. In the basement of a previous house, at least 5 years ago, he fired a shotgun upward. Obviously, he did not end his life that time, the shot went through to floor of the kitchen and the pellets embedded into the ceiling. My ex and I suspected he intended to hit my mom with the shot, but that was just pure speculation.

I hated him so much, but I want to mourn the loss of life. Even though I think the world might be a little better without him.
It's this kind of thinking that is throwing my emotions into a tailspin.

Thanks to everyone here for giving me this community, the only place I feel truly at home.
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14-03-2013, 03:56 PM
RE: So my father managed to kill himself today.
I am sorry that you and your family are going through this.

Everyone grieves differently, it's not all weeping and waling like we see in the movies. You just found out about your father's death, so give yourself some time to let it sink in. People can go for a long time before even shedding a tear over the death of someone close to them. Plus you didn't have an idyllic history with your father, it only makes sense that you are feeling a whole range of emotions and thoughts.

Take care of yourself, be more patient and thoughtful of your own well-being than you normally would.
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14-03-2013, 03:57 PM
RE: So my father managed to kill himself today.
It sounds like he was a tortured mind and couldn't find peace within himself.

What a tragedy! Sorry

Humankind Dodgy (a total misnomer)
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14-03-2013, 04:03 PM
RE: So my father managed to kill himself today.
(14-03-2013 03:37 PM)AViegarein Wrote:  The worst part is I don't know how I feel about it.

I feel sad, as I would for any human who felt it necessary to take their own life. I've been on the brink myself numerous times. It's a horrible state of mind to be in.

On the other hand, I feel indifferent, almost relieved he is gone. He was a jerk, verbally abusive to my mother, half-sister, and myself. He felt the need to judge everyone all the time and let them know what he thinks, all un-constructive criticism. He was heavily religious, and pushed it on everyone he met, every minute of the day. His zealotry and disregard for others drove away all his family, myself included.

Over the last few months he has been fighting my mother over a legal separation. He had a few health problems that interfered with his ability to work, but he refused to accept government assistance. He drove my mother away many times, but she always went back. About a year ago she finally decided it was enough and went for separation. Because of his past behavior, he was jumping from house to house; any of his church 'buddies' that would give him a roof over his head was where he lived.

This was also not the first time he tried to kill himself either. I don't know the details of all of them, but there is one that I do remember. In the basement of a previous house, at least 5 years ago, he fired a shotgun upward. Obviously, he did not end his life that time, the shot went through to floor of the kitchen and the pellets embedded into the ceiling. My ex and I suspected he intended to hit my mom with the shot, but that was just pure speculation.

I hated him so much, but I want to mourn the loss of life. Even though I think the world might be a little better without him.
It's this kind of thinking that is throwing my emotions into a tailspin.

Thanks to everyone here for giving me this community, the only place I feel truly at home.
Family issues can be very gross.
Prolonged hatred is not cathartic IMO.
Look after yourself and maybe try and recall any good times...........
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14-03-2013, 04:13 PM
RE: So my father managed to kill himself today.
I'm so very sorry for your loss and the loss that will ripple across family. Completely and totally get the relief part. Hug


God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

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14-03-2013, 04:34 PM
RE: So my father managed to kill himself today.
Hug

From the way you write, it would appear that there is an inner strength to you that is going to be greatly needed by the rest of your family.

Don't forget to keep some strength for yourself.

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14-03-2013, 04:40 PM
RE: So my father managed to kill himself today.
I am sorry this has happened because of the turmoil you are going through.

Remember that blood family is not always good. Though we would all like to think that our families are there for us, love us, and want what's best...it's not always the way things are.

I went through a long period of hating my mother...I still hate some of the things she did to our family and to me but now I really feel nothing for her. We don't have contact (my choice) and I don't miss it. Some people should not be parents.

Don't be so hard on yourself by looking at what you "should" be feeling. Deal with what you are feeling...it's acceptable and can't be dictated by anyone else. At least you don't appear to be lying to yourself.

I hope you find peace and comfort...just realize it will take some time to sort it all out.

I'm not anti-social. I'm pro-solitude.
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14-03-2013, 04:59 PM
RE: So my father managed to kill himself today.
Agree with all of above . I've seen depressed patients with low self esteem who lash out at their families. It can be very destructive and often believers cannot bring themselves to seek help thinking it's a spiritual problem or they have committed the "unforgivable sin" and god has abandoned them. I work in the "bible belt" of Canada as a gp and I've seen this a lot. Huge challenge getting them to accept treatment. I usually summarize the book of Job by saying shit happens and it's not your fault. Your mom may well be feeling guilty and may need to hear this as well if she is a believer too.
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14-03-2013, 05:01 PM
RE: So my father managed to kill himself today.
Wow! Sorry to hear this news.

Others have mentioned your strength, which is important. Each of your feelings is valid and warranted, go through them. As a dad (or other life, as you say), you recognize the value. For the choices he has made, you've learned some lessons. This process won't happen all at once, so take it a day at a time to work through. All we have is one day at a time. Rely on your supports as you already are, when you need them. Take care!
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16-03-2013, 07:53 AM
RE: So my father managed to kill himself today.
We're all here for you. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Keep your rosaries out of my ovaries, and your theology out of my biology.
"If you could reason with religious people, there would be no religious people." --Dr. House
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