So my father managed to kill himself today.
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16-03-2013, 08:34 AM
RE: So my father managed to kill himself today.
Just take good care of your mom, she is the one who likely will have the most issues, and it doesn't go away fast.
For yourself, helping mom, just being there for her, will help you feel better too.
Your feelings about this - they will sort themselves in time.
I know a bit or two about grieving and recently did a lot of research on the matter.
The most important things to remember:
There is no "right" way nor a "wrong "way of grieving. Everyone is different, and most people have more issues because they think they are not grieving the "right way" than because of grief itself.
Grief is your brain's process of closing out a chapter in your life. Most of what goes on is not conscious. The conscious processes happen at various time intervals, also different from person to person. It can be a year or more before you become conscious of grieving, or it can even start before the death.
If your relationship was very adversarial, conscious grief may not set in for a very long time. First you will process the whole relationship, and the more convoluted it was, the longer that takes. Eventually some good memories will emerge and you will be on your way to close the chapter.
Feelings associated with grief are anger (probably will be dominant at first with you), resignation, denial, melancholy.
It's good to know what you are up against, so if you feel lost, do some research on the grieving process.
Meanwhile, all your feelings are valid and they need to be felt. There is nothing wrong with whatever way you may feel, just give your brain the time to process things. It doesn't happen overnight. But you will end up at peace with it all.
Sorry you have to go through such a complicated grieving process, I can relate, my brother was a disgusting piece of work and died in a miserable way. If you want to talk, you can PM me here.

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Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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16-03-2013, 11:39 AM
RE: So my father managed to kill himself today.
Condolences for your loss, but moreso for the years of aggravation you and your loved ones suffered because of this man.

Nobody has the right to be abusive to anyone, including themselves. Your point that the world might be a better place without him is a valid one (although it could also have been a better place if he had sought and received counseling and learned to deal with his problems better).

He opted for a solution that solved his problems, but it also solved everyone else's problems that he caused by making them deal with him. Don't forget this.

So while you're working through this difficult time, keep your mind on the idea that this was his choice to fix many problems all at the same time and might, ultimately, be more of a good thing than a bad one.

"Whores perform the same function as priests, but far more thoroughly." - Robert A. Heinlein
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16-03-2013, 11:51 PM
RE: So my father managed to kill himself today.
Thank you all for your support.

I've had a couple of days to sort through the wreckage that was our relationship. After I posted here and on my Facebook, I began writing my own 'journal' recounting the day, my feelings, and the past. In my Composition I class we wrote about an significant event in our lives; I ended up writing about my divorce. The paper received high praise from my instructor, but more importantly I felt a sense of conclusion having written and shared the experience. I'm hoping the same will help me with this current situation. I spent at least eight hours working on it, working until 3 A.M.

And it's true, the person who seems to be having the hardest time with it is my mother. The fact that she was in the process of getting a legal separation from him is wreaking havoc on her. It doesn't help that she also lost her father this last summer.

I'll keep writing, and trying to be the person people can lean on. The feelings I was most troubled with have faded to a slight whisper, while the few good memories have taken the lead role in the small amount of emotion I let out (mostly when no one's looking). The funeral will be this Wednesday, I'm looking forward to getting it over with, but scared to death of it.

P.S. On a happier note my half-sister, my only sibling, will fly down here. I miss her, the last time I saw her was in 2007, during our train wreck of a vacation that was Maui.
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16-03-2013, 11:54 PM
RE: So my father managed to kill himself today.
You'll get through this. It'll take time to sort though all your emotions.
Hugs..

Wind's in the east, a mist coming in
Like something is brewing and about to begin
Can't put my finger on what lies in store
but I feel what's to happen has happened before...


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17-03-2013, 02:22 AM
RE: So my father managed to kill himself today.
I don't have anything particularly helpful to say, but I'm sorry and hope for peace and closure for you and those who were near.

"It's a most distressing affliction to have a sentimental heart and a skeptical mind.”
― نجيب محفوظ, Sugar Street
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17-03-2013, 07:31 AM
RE: So my father managed to kill himself today.
I am happy for the update, and glad you found an outlet. Allow yourself the time you need. Hug

See here they are, the bruises, some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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17-03-2013, 07:42 AM
RE: So my father managed to kill himself today.
(16-03-2013 11:51 PM)AViegarein Wrote:  Thank you all for your support.

I've had a couple of days to sort through the wreckage that was our relationship. After I posted here and on my Facebook, I began writing my own 'journal' recounting the day, my feelings, and the past. In my Composition I class we wrote about an significant event in our lives; I ended up writing about my divorce. The paper received high praise from my instructor, but more importantly I felt a sense of conclusion having written and shared the experience. I'm hoping the same will help me with this current situation. I spent at least eight hours working on it, working until 3 A.M.

And it's true, the person who seems to be having the hardest time with it is my mother. The fact that she was in the process of getting a legal separation from him is wreaking havoc on her. It doesn't help that she also lost her father this last summer.

I'll keep writing, and trying to be the person people can lean on. The feelings I was most troubled with have faded to a slight whisper, while the few good memories have taken the lead role in the small amount of emotion I let out (mostly when no one's looking). The funeral will be this Wednesday, I'm looking forward to getting it over with, but scared to death of it.

P.S. On a happier note my half-sister, my only sibling, will fly down here. I miss her, the last time I saw her was in 2007, during our train wreck of a vacation that was Maui.
It's still all a whirlwind of happenings and (mostly supressed!) emotions. Just flow with it, and try NOT to fix your mom, but listen and offer to do things around her place. She needs to do this at her own pace, think out loud, and act which ever way comes to her naturally, whether it seems right or wrong to you.
Yes, divorce does cause a sort of grief, and venting is always good. But this thing will take more time...

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Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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