Speed of Prayer
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20-07-2017, 10:00 PM
Speed of Prayer
Do any of you subscribe to Funny Times? Chris Hume recently wrote a bit about scientists discovering the speed of prayer. It's a very entertaining read.
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21-07-2017, 02:43 AM
RE: Speed of Prayer
I imagine it's about the same as the speed of smell?

"I don't do magic, Morty, I do science. One takes brains, the other takes dark eye liner" - Rick
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21-07-2017, 05:07 AM
RE: Speed of Prayer
Speed of prayer = Extent of confirmation bias / Time for coincidence to happen

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21-07-2017, 06:53 AM
RE: Speed of Prayer
According to the story, the extremely rich can afford upgrades to their prayers and get that new yacht that they pray for.
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21-07-2017, 07:11 AM
RE: Speed of Prayer
Care to copy/paste or screen shot the story?

Obviously prayers don't work full stop, so rich people being conned into paying somebody for advanced prayers is also stupid, and they deserve to lose money if they think it'll work.

"I don't do magic, Morty, I do science. One takes brains, the other takes dark eye liner" - Rick
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21-07-2017, 11:45 AM
RE: Speed of Prayer
Nearly six hundred years ago, in a prior life in Africa, I prayed to to the Zulu gods be resurrected as a white man, and living in a Western country in a future century. And bingo! here I am. Ain't the power of prayer wonderful—if not a little slow in my case.

I'm a creationist... I believe that man created God.
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21-07-2017, 05:32 PM
RE: Speed of Prayer
I wish I could find a copy of this online. If anything, it looks like I'd have to re-type the whole thing from my hard copy.
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21-07-2017, 06:26 PM
RE: Speed of Prayer
Ok, I may have done this the hard way, but here's the story. (I figured it was kind of cruel to tell you about a story, then leave you hanging, so...)

Scientists Discover the Speed of Prayer
By Chris Hume

It is one of the greatest mysteries of the cosmos. How fast is prayer? A group of scientists, working in conjunction with the clergy, claims to have calculated the exact velocity of prayer.
“It’s a complicated and baffling process,” explained prayerologist Desmond Wilkins. “When you press your hands together, close your eyes, and wish really hard for something, the ‘prayer’ gets sent out to a series of relay stations near the Arctic Circle. These prayer towers then boost the signal and beam it into space, where it takes about eight hours at sub-light speed to reach the Local Prayer Dispatch #42 just beyond the orbit of Saturn. And that’s on a good day.”
But not everyone’s prayers are being answered. “I wanted a white BMW with tinted windows and custom rims, and I prayed really, really hard for it,” complained lawyer Ned Hobbs. “And nothing happened. What’s the deal?”
“Here’s the deal,” said astro-theologist Reginald Dumson. “At Local Dispatch #42, billions of prayers are bundled together daily and faxed to Central Prayer Processing (CPP) in the Horsehead Nebula, about 54 light years away. Once received, a committee of dwarves must read each prayer and file them based on priority and good spelling. After a tedious ‘weeding out’ process, the chosen prayers are sent up to the Lord God Almighty. Every third Tuesday of every other month, He picks five of his favorite prayers, and answers them. It’s kind of like a Holy Lottery.
“So where’s my pony?” said impatient seven-year-old Tabitha McQueen. “I prayed for it over a month ago!”
Due to the laws of physics, nothing can travel faster than light speed. But in certain cases, prayers have been detected travelling across the galaxy almost instantly. However, this is only available with the Express Prayer Deluxe Package ($8599.99 per month), which expedites your prayer and puts yours at or near the front of the line. And then there’s the Divine Platinum Prayer Package (just $93,750 per month). This includes All-You-Can-Pray, with unlimited instant answers to your deepest (and shallowest) wishes.
“I prayed for a yacht. A purple one,” said billionaire televangelist Slick Withers, “and next morning, there it was, right alongside my other yachts. Praise Jesus!”
But for most people, the average speed of prayer is a meager 47 miles per hour. That’s equivalent to heavy traffic on a rainy day. “That’s the speed of prayer,” said God, from His gated mansion near the center of the universe. “And don’t pray for faster answers to your prayers,” He said, “that’s against the rules.”
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21-07-2017, 06:28 PM
RE: Speed of Prayer
More of his stuff can be found at http://www.theantinews.com/

Also, I did not have permission to post this, so don't copy and paste this too much or I might get a serious slap on the hand.
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21-07-2017, 06:37 PM
RE: Speed of Prayer
(21-07-2017 06:53 AM)captainphilbo Wrote:  According to the story, the extremely rich can afford upgrades to their prayers and get that new yacht that they pray for.

That has a long and sordid history in religion:

Indulgence

Gods derive their power from post-hoc rationalizations. -The Inquisition

Using the supernatural to explain events in your life is a failure of the intellect to comprehend the world around you. -The Inquisition
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