Spongebob is ascendant! A message from the future.
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11-02-2015, 10:13 AM (This post was last modified: 11-02-2015 10:20 AM by TheInquisition.)
Spongebob is ascendant! A message from the future.
I am a member of the modern Nautical Universal Theological church of Spongebob (NUTS) from the year 2089. There have been many that question the existence of Spongebob in this jaundiced age, but there are many proofs that show that He really existed, I will show you these proofs.

It was in the summer of 1999, 90 years ago that Spongebob made his first appearance on an ancient medium that was called “television”. These “T.V.” shows characterized Spongebob’s life and adventures before the great patron saint Tom Kenny proclaimed Spongebob’s divinity in 2042.

Even though no complete episodes survive from these “T.V.” shows because of the Great Virus of 2025, we have incomplete fragments that patron saint Tom Kenny (who was Spongebob’s voice on this Earth) have pieced together detailing Spongebob’s divine and miraculous nature.

Sandy, Spongebob, and the Worm


In the episode “Sandy, Spongebob, and the Worm”, Spongebob warns everyone in Bikini Bottom of the Alaskan Bull Worm, this monster threatens to destroy the world, but Spongebob; and his disciple Sandy, stop the worm.
This episode was long before the Great Virus of 2025, it clearly prophesied of this event over twenty years before it happened! Spongebob’s defeat of the Alaskan Bull Worm closely resembles the story in the Christian Bible where YHWH defeats the Leviathan; this is obviously where Christians derive their legend of the Leviathan from!

The Original Fry Cook

In the episode “The Original Fry Cook”, Spongebob learns from the Master Fry Cook Jim on how to make the ultimate Krabby Pattie, Spongebob realizes he can’t match Jim’s ability in making Krabby Patties and offers his resignation to Mr. Krabs, but Jim steps in and reveals why he quit the Krusty Krab, he wanted a raise! That’s when Mr. Krabs tells Spongebob that he has one quality that Jim will never have, in the words of Mr. Krabs –“cheap!”.
It was at this moment that Spongebob ascended past the previous master Jim and became the greatest Fry Cook, the Alpha and Omega Fry Cook!

Banned In Bikini Bottom

Of the three episodes that survived the Great Virus of 2025, (no other episodes exist after this date). The final surviving episode, “Banned in Bikini Bottom” shows a character named Miss Priss, she comes into the Krusty Krab wanting to eat. Spongebob comes from the kitchen in the back and shows too much fun and joy, this offends Miss Priss and her husband; the chief of police, close down the Krusty Krab. This shows the prophetic power of Spongebob as it shows how the old, stodgy religions would oppress the Nautical Universal Theological church of Spongebob.

Spongebob suggests to the despondent Mr. Krabs that they should open up a secret Krusty Krab in Spongebob’s house. Revealing how Mr. Krabs now gives authority to Spongebob, much like John The Baptist bequeathed his authority to Jesus when he baptized Him.

So Krabs and Spongebob do this and have great success until Plankton, the evil one, calls the police on them after discovering their clandestine operation in Spongebob’s house. Miss Priss and her husband burst through Spongebob’s door and put Mr. Krabs and Spongebob in handcuffs, before they’re carted off, Miss Priss discovers her husband eating a Krusty Krab! As Miss Priss races to her husband to knock the Krabby Patty out of his hand she trips over her shoe laces, as she falls the Krabby Patty gets knocked out of his hands and into Miss Priss’ mouth. Miss Priss' eyes are immediately opened! The blind now see! She sees just how wonderful the ways of Spongebob are and joins him in happiness!

This reveals the prophecy in which the Nautical Universal Theological church of Spongebob (NUTS) would take over as the major religion of the world from the old, stoic religions that preceded it, showing the true path to fun, joy and enjoyment of life that surpassed the old stodgy religions that had oppressive rules and punishments for believers and unbelievers.

Each one of these surviving episodes demonstrate incredible prophetic insight to the events that would follow, encapsulated by the Great Awakening of Spongebob (GAS) that spread across the face of the Earth in the ensuing years.

Some people say that there was no corroborating evidence outside of the three surviving episodes of Spongebob in which we base our core gospel. THIS IS NOT TRUE!
There was a review on an ancient website whose data we recovered after the Great Virus of 2025 that told of an appearance Spongebob made in places called “theaters” in which millions of people witnessed Him world-wide, the great reveal was titled The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water

Follow the link to this restored website, it is unaffiliated with the the Nautical Universal Theological church of Spongebob and shows that, during Spongebob’s lifetime, he showed his presence to millions of people! They even paid money to see the event!

This is one of the many reasons why the Nautical Universal Theological church of Spongebob replaced all of the major religions during the Great Awakening of Spongebob (GAS). I hope this can allay any doubts that some may have as to the reality and truth of Spongebob.

I feel I also must address an upstart cult whose messiah is Jibbers Crabst

This is an apostate religion straight from the pits of the Chum Bucket! Jibbers is obviously derived from Mr. Krabs who clearly cedes authority to Spongebob in the episode Banned In Bikini Bottom. Do not be deceived by Plankton!

Thank you for your time and know that you have the truth as only the Nautical Universal Theological church of Spongebob can provide.

Gods derive their power from post-hoc rationalizations. -The Inquisition

Using the supernatural to explain events in your life is a failure of the intellect to comprehend the world around you. -The Inquisition
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11-02-2015, 10:18 AM
RE: Spongebob is ascendant! A message from the future.
Makes sense to me.


Signed

The Religiously Inclined.

.......................................

The difference between prayer and masturbation - is when a guy is through masturbating - he has something to show for his efforts.
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11-02-2015, 11:05 AM
RE: Spongebob is ascendant! A message from the future.
I haz seen the light.


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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11-02-2015, 11:15 AM
Spongebob is ascendant! A message from the future.
Now that I've had GAS, I can go NUTS. I will follow this teaching.
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11-02-2015, 11:22 AM
RE: Spongebob is ascendant! A message from the future.
(11-02-2015 11:15 AM)Clockwork Wrote:  Now that I've had GAS, I can go NUTS. I will follow this teaching.

Indeed, us NUTS were empowered by the GAS.

Gods derive their power from post-hoc rationalizations. -The Inquisition

Using the supernatural to explain events in your life is a failure of the intellect to comprehend the world around you. -The Inquisition
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11-02-2015, 11:38 AM
RE: Spongebob is ascendant! A message from the future.
This just in from Squidward when we asked him about the future church NUTS and got a not too shocking response when he realized the church is centered around Spongebob.

[Image: Squidward-deflate-o.gif]


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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11-02-2015, 11:45 AM
RE: Spongebob is ascendant! A message from the future.
(11-02-2015 11:38 AM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  This just in from Squidward when we asked him about the future church NUTS and got a not too shocking response when he realized the church is centered around Spongebob.

[Image: Squidward-deflate-o.gif]

Poor Squidward, he never did quite get it. He hung himself in 2026, after being despondent over the attention Spongebob recieved.

Gods derive their power from post-hoc rationalizations. -The Inquisition

Using the supernatural to explain events in your life is a failure of the intellect to comprehend the world around you. -The Inquisition
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