Starting treatment for depression, mum suggest hippie hogwash.
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03-10-2013, 10:16 AM
Starting treatment for depression, mum suggest hippie hogwash.
I'm about to start my treatment for depression, and what do you know, there i get a link from my mom to someone selling "cheap" 100 dollar self help audio files that claims to cure just about anything all at once. The store convinced me about as much as it would have if she had been selling a "magical flashlight" (that looks surprisingly much like one you could buy in any toy store) that's meant to be shined at any part that i don't like to make it all better... It was also a wordpress site that had an Irish blessing (yep, god stuff...) as her profile text. Very professional... -.- Needless to say, this made me furious, but she just won't listen even when i told her that Penn and Teller have done a whole episode debunking that stuff.

I'm mostly concerned that she'll get in the way of my recovery with all of her nonsense. She loves to interfere with my life, even though i'm 23 and moved out. The house is only 20m away or so, and if the door is locked she'll use the bell until i open up... So annoying. Does anyone know what i could possibly do to make this behaviour stop?
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03-10-2013, 10:38 AM
RE: Starting treatment for depression, mum suggest hippie hogwash.
Just thank her and make use of the delete key.

She will only get in the way of your recovery if you allow her to.


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03-10-2013, 11:33 AM (This post was last modified: 03-10-2013 11:51 AM by I Am.)
RE: Starting treatment for depression, mum suggest hippie hogwash.
About the pseudo-science - Don't even mention the stuff she sends you. Tell her about the therapy and/or medication you are using, and the research behind it, like success rates, measurable progress, medical authorities who support it, and so on. If she asks specifically about the woo-stuff, tell her you are only pursuing one course of treatment at a time, and you're trying the medical route first.

About the ringing the bell until you answer - this will respond to conditioning. Right now, she's on a behavior/reward schedule that includes ringing a bell until she gets what she wants. This is not different than a dog begging until it gets table scraps, or a chicken in a Skinner box pecking piano keys to get food.

Ways to break the behavior include: divorcing the behavior from the reward, adding a negative stimulus in response to the behavior, and providing a different means to achieve the reward (or a suitable replacement).

Divorcing the behavior and reward will cause an increase in the behavior in the short term, slowly tapering off if no further reinforcement is provided. This means not responding to repeated bell-rings. If you're going to respond to the bell, respond to the *first* one, never more than one. If you're not going to respond, then don't, even if she leans on it all afternoon. That will shape her behavior toward ringing once. An easy way to achieve this is, don't be home. She can ring for an hour without bugging you if you're out on a walk or riding your bike to the library or whatever.

Negative stimulus could be something like, "breaking" your doorbell. Find your doorbell box, and figure out how to unplug or disable it. Sometime when she's ringing over and over again, disable the bell. She'll likely apologize for "breaking" it, and you can act a little put-upon over it. Not angry or blaming or anything over the top, more like "*sigh,* one more thing to do." She'll feel guilty, and maybe back off some. Or, getting a dog that will bark loudly at the door when the bell rings could put her off.

A different way to get the reward (which is contact with you) could be a Skype video chat, a push-to-talk phone plan, or even walkie-talkies since you live so close. Also, you could schedule time together to chat and catch up. She might not feel as much need to come to your door now, if she knows you're coming to her place for lunch tomorrow.

Hope some of this helps. Depression is a tough nut to crack, and so is an overbearing parent. Good luck. And welcome to the forum. Smile

Edit: My wife recommends installing an electric doorbell shocker. Talk about a negative stimulus! Wink

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03-10-2013, 11:44 AM
RE: Starting treatment for depression, mum suggest hippie hogwash.
Don't blame hippies for this shit - I am an aging hippie and would never approve of such crap.

Can't you just ask her to call before she comes by? Tell her you are doing yoga or something that calms you - long baths or whatever works to make her compliant. Tell her being disturbed would destroy the benefits of what you are doing. Tell her you'll call her once a day and do that.

She is worried about you and the more you resist the more she will be worried and the more she will show up.

So negotiate it and give her a reason, any reason that works...

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03-10-2013, 11:49 AM
RE: Starting treatment for depression, mum suggest hippie hogwash.
Oh a pseudo cure! Wonderful! Smile

Sorry you are feeling this way, depression is tiring and exhausting without having extra barriers to hurdle.

It sounds like you need to set up boundaries with your mom.

My Father in Law was (is, but he's toned down due to my wonderful boundaries I've established!) an unsolicited-advice giving, boundary-crossing opinion-puking individual for the first few years I had met him. I began to 1. Thank him for his input ("Thank you for you opinion" "Thank you for that information from X article or person you heard it from" "Thank you for coming here and being a guest in my home (this one also put ownership on the space he was in") etc, and then I didn't engage a response or an opinion back. Over and over again. I'd say 'I'll think about it" or "I'll talk to so-and-so about it", etc. This helps the person to feel listened to (which is still important) but gives you the responsibility of where you'll take it.

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03-10-2013, 10:28 PM
RE: Starting treatment for depression, mum suggest hippie hogwash.
(03-10-2013 11:49 AM)LadyJane Wrote:  Oh a pseudo cure! Wonderful! Smile

Sorry you are feeling this way, depression is tiring and exhausting without having extra barriers to hurdle.

It sounds like you need to set up boundaries with your mom.

My Father in Law was (is, but he's toned down due to my wonderful boundaries I've established!) an unsolicited-advice giving, boundary-crossing opinion-puking individual for the first few years I had met him. I began to 1. Thank him for his input ("Thank you for you opinion" "Thank you for that information from X article or person you heard it from" "Thank you for coming here and being a guest in my home (this one also put ownership on the space he was in") etc, and then I didn't engage a response or an opinion back. Over and over again. I'd say 'I'll think about it" or "I'll talk to so-and-so about it", etc. This helps the person to feel listened to (which is still important) but gives you the responsibility of where you'll take it.

Welcome to TTA!

Excellent strategy Lady Jane. And Misanthra sometimes counselors and patients aren't quite the best fit for each other. Sometimes it takes interviewing several counselors to find one that works best for you. Counselors make a world of difference in peoples lives. I know quite a few people who's lives were turned around by psychology. You'll do great!

"If things aren't funny anymore then they're exactly what they are and life is just one long dental appointment interrupted occasionally by something exciting like waiting or falling asleep" Jason Robards in A Thousand Clowns
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04-10-2013, 10:32 AM
RE: Starting treatment for depression, mum suggest hippie hogwash.
Thanks for all your responses, so many things i hadn't even thought of. Means a lot! I'll definitely keep all of them in mind and try to work it out.
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20-10-2013, 09:02 AM
RE: Starting treatment for depression, mum suggest hippie hogwash.
My neighbor was a bell ringer so I would slip out the back door, jump on my bike and scoot down the back lane. At least I didn't hear the incessant ringing. One of the boundaries you need to set is that your mother must first call and ask your permission to visit. If not, do not respond to the bell.
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20-10-2013, 10:48 PM
RE: Starting treatment for depression, mum suggest hippie hogwash.
I do not have the good fortune of living near my mother, so maybe I just don't get it. I don't see why not just let her be. She's your mother. Mothers can be pushy and frustrating I know. My mother will call me 50+ times and send me countless text messages especially while I am in therapy (I made the mistake of telling her my days and times ugh). I just let it go. I know she loves me and she is trying to help in her own obnoxious way.

I have laughed, in bitterness and agony of heart, at the contrast between what I seem and what I am!
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