Stressing out over moving to a new place
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02-06-2016, 12:03 PM
Stressing out over moving to a new place
Hi, here I am again to bother you friendly people with my personal problems.

Recently, I decided to move from Puerto Rico to the mainland U.S. Lack of good job opportunities and a ferocious desire to move out of my parents' home and become my own man are a few of the reasons why. However, I feel so stressed about it, I feel an enormous pressure to just drop to the floor and cry for hours and hours.

I am introverted, and I have read we have more difficulty adapting to new places. I remember back in 2011 I accepted an internship in the U.S. and I was so stressed I had acne break outs all over my face like I had never seen. I had great difficulty relating to people and making new friends because I was in such an abysmal mood all the time, on top of my accustomed fear of speaking and opening up to strangers. Although the internship was hard work, it didn't bother me as much as being surrounded with unfamiliar faces and places, and so far away from my comfort zones I've come to depend on to recharge my energies and better deal with the stress of socializing with others. I returned home after a month; a decision that still haunts me to this day.

When I was little I remember feeling dizzy when stepping into new places. I still do from time to time. I guess it is a similar feeling to what I would feel if I were alone in a jungle surrounded by camouflaged predators, in constant anticipation of a deadly attack. In reality, I'm just sitting down on a bench waiting for the bus. I’d imagine it will take a LONG time for me to create a safe environment in my new life.

Living by yourself and making a living is hard enough logistically to add to it constant emotional distress. On top of it all, I’m scared I’m not going to handle it well. I remember walking the streets of Los Angeles on a trip I took there not long ago and seeing so many homeless people. My insecure self could not help but wonder...will I end up like them? What if I don’t do well at my job and end up getting fired? It is a reality, and it is scary.

If any of you has any advice on this topic, I’d like to hear it, more so if you have any background on psychology. What can I do to help with the stresses of a new job, a new place and finding a new circle of friends/support network?

P.s. sorry for the long post.
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02-06-2016, 12:35 PM
RE: Stressing out over moving to a new place
Have you spoken to a doctor about your anxiety? That would be a great place to start.
What seems insurmountable now may be easily treated with help.
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02-06-2016, 01:21 PM
RE: Stressing out over moving to a new place
So I'm an introvert, too, but my general experience of moving has been more positive. I've enjoyed going to new places because of the opportunities for reinventing myself or trying different ways of living.

I do, however, have a couple of things to suggest:
- see your physician for a prescription for anxiety meds, especially meds that you could take as needed if you are feeling an anxiety attack coming on
- have self-comforting/reassuring strategies in place beforehand, so that you're ready when you start feeling lonely or overwhelmed. A friend or relative from home who's willing to Skype with you or talk on the phone, music or movies that cheer you up, your favorite treats in the refrigerator, etc.
- remind yourself that the first time you go to a new place or meet a new person is often the hardest, and that in times things will get easier; reward yourself in some small way (even if it's just sleeping in for 10 extra minutes in the morning) for sticking through the first week of the job or the first meet up with a new group of people
- remind yourself that if you're relocating to an area with a lot of other young adults, there are others who feel similarly to you. That might make it easier for you sometimes to make the first move in starting a new friendship

You will probably end up doing just fine and becoming your own man in this process, but it may be helpful to focus most on the experience as it happens and not on whether you're achieving a big life goal exactly as you've imagined. Give yourself a reasonable time period in your new location--something like nine months to a couple of years--to get things going, then reevaluate.

Best of luck!
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02-06-2016, 02:39 PM
RE: Stressing out over moving to a new place
Become your own "man", as if women don't have the same desires?

Look, this crap about economics isn't about, or at least it should not be about male or female. I fucking hate gender and class roles. If you had decided to stay at home and your parents didn't mind, why should I give a fuck? If you are contributing in some meaningful way even if not the primary bread winner, who cares?

If you leave because you want to prove yourself, your gender also is not a issue either. Most kids leave because of personality conflicts not financial reasons. I see no problem with a family staying in the same house as long as nobody is being drained.

Don't make this about money, or even gender. That is bullshit. If someone has the means to support someone, how does the sex matter? What matters is that the people living in the dwelling get along, and that nobody is getting drained.

If you want to leave, that is fine, but don't do it to follow a script, do it for you. A penis or vagina should not determine who does what. Not even parent child roles should matter because those roles also shift over time. What matters is consent and stability.

Poetry by Brian37(poems by an atheist) Also on Facebook as BrianJames Rational Poet and Twitter Brianrrs37
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02-06-2016, 08:31 PM
RE: Stressing out over moving to a new place
(02-06-2016 02:39 PM)Brian37 Wrote:  Become your own "man", as if women don't have the same desires?

Look, this crap about economics isn't about, or at least it should not be about male or female. I fucking hate gender and class roles. If you had decided to stay at home and your parents didn't mind, why should I give a fuck? If you are contributing in some meaningful way even if not the primary bread winner, who cares?

If you leave because you want to prove yourself, your gender also is not a issue either. Most kids leave because of personality conflicts not financial reasons. I see no problem with a family staying in the same house as long as nobody is being drained.

Don't make this about money, or even gender. That is bullshit. If someone has the means to support someone, how does the sex matter? What matters is that the people living in the dwelling get along, and that nobody is getting drained.

If you want to leave, that is fine, but don't do it to follow a script, do it for you. A penis or vagina should not determine who does what. Not even parent child roles should matter because those roles also shift over time. What matters is consent and stability.

When I said, "being my own man" I meant finding my own identity. I used the word "man" because I am a man, and that's how I identify myself as well. I've lived in the same place my whole life and, in my personal opinion, moving to a new place and learning to provide for myself seems like a great experience to grow. It is worth noting that one of the things that helped me come to this decision was a YouTube video from a woman who had gone through this same experience and said it helped her grow. I was inspired by her, so I definitely do not think this is a "man only" thing.

My family is fudamentally religious and I am gay & athesit, and I am exhausted of constantly being surrounded by religious talk/propaganda. I've also become frustrated that, year after year, I find myself in the same situation, pretty much. I don't think where I currently live provides the opportunities for someone like me to experience other ways of life and environments. Specially for someone who's still looking for that special thing that brings happiness.

I'd say, if it makes you happy, go for it. If you're happy staying at home, that's fine. But I am not happy, and I need to find my happiness.
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02-06-2016, 08:43 PM
RE: Stressing out over moving to a new place
(02-06-2016 01:21 PM)julep Wrote:  So I'm an introvert, too, but my general experience of moving has been more positive. I've enjoyed going to new places because of the opportunities for reinventing myself or trying different ways of living.

I do, however, have a couple of things to suggest:
- see your physician for a prescription for anxiety meds, especially meds that you could take as needed if you are feeling an anxiety attack coming on
- have self-comforting/reassuring strategies in place beforehand, so that you're ready when you start feeling lonely or overwhelmed. A friend or relative from home who's willing to Skype with you or talk on the phone, music or movies that cheer you up, your favorite treats in the refrigerator, etc.
- remind yourself that the first time you go to a new place or meet a new person is often the hardest, and that in times things will get easier; reward yourself in some small way (even if it's just sleeping in for 10 extra minutes in the morning) for sticking through the first week of the job or the first meet up with a new group of people
- remind yourself that if you're relocating to an area with a lot of other young adults, there are others who feel similarly to you. That might make it easier for you sometimes to make the first move in starting a new friendship

You will probably end up doing just fine and becoming your own man in this process, but it may be helpful to focus most on the experience as it happens and not on whether you're achieving a big life goal exactly as you've imagined. Give yourself a reasonable time period in your new location--something like nine months to a couple of years--to get things going, then reevaluate.

Best of luck!

Thanks for your advice. I don't go as far as having anxiety attacks. I do get pretty bad anxiety in certain situations, but most of the time it's just crippling, unrelenting stress. I feel like I have a tiger is breathing down my neck 24/7. I guess I've always been scared of being rejected, always comparing myself to other more extroverted people, and beating myself down for not meeting other people's perceived expectations of me. I know it's all irrational, but I can't make it go away, no matter how hard I try to reason with myself. Back in 2011, I sat for hours in my room, trying to reason with myself, yet it didnt fix the problem for long.

The strategies you gave are very helpful. I do have certain little things I enjoy doing that I could continue doing no matter where I go (as long as I have internet), so that's helpful. One of them is, of course, listening to The Thinking Atheist.
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17-06-2016, 09:28 AM
RE: Stressing out over moving to a new place
Maybe you could try to find a group of non-believers locally by googling 'skeptics-in-the-pub', humanists, atheists, freethinkers, etc and your nearest major town or your State.
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17-06-2016, 10:02 AM
RE: Stressing out over moving to a new place
It's like anything else -- getting good at something -- it takes practice....

Get out - meet people - make a fool out of yourself.... It's gonna happen.

So what???

Next time - don't make the same mistake --- make a new one...

It's gonna happen...

So what????

....
You're out there - meeting people --- every so often - it'll turn out to be somebody you like, or somebody that will make a difference in your life.....

...

That's how life goes.

For everyone...

.......................................

The difference between prayer and masturbation - is when a guy is through masturbating - he has something to show for his efforts.
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17-06-2016, 11:19 AM
RE: Stressing out over moving to a new place
I'm sorry you're having stress/anxiety over a new move. Maybe learning all about the new area would help. Join some meetup groups or take some local classes. Ask if anyone on the TTA forum is from the area you are moving to, they may be able to offer some advice on things going on in their area. It's also good to remember that life is going to happen--no matter where you are. Living in your current place isn't going to stop stressful things from happening in life--just like living in a new place won't stop stressful things from happening in your life. View your current home as a psychological security blanket, because really that's all that it is.

As others suggested, I do think meeting with a therapist would really help you alleviate some of the anxiety and give you some tools that you could work with to help kick your anxiety to the curb.
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