Stuck in Cement While Mosquitoes Relentlessly Feed Due to my Apathy
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15-04-2015, 08:14 PM (This post was last modified: 16-04-2015 01:39 PM by Peanut.)
Stuck in Cement While Mosquitoes Relentlessly Feed Due to my Apathy
Hey. You may remember me. I'm feeling cathartic. Let me unleash my troubles:

I'm going to turn 26 years old in under a month. What have I done with my fleeting existence?!

I feel a wall between my family. I don't talk to ANYONE much. And I keep a carefully constructed distance.

I've lived in my apartment for a little over a year and I've still yet to acquire a couch. It's just a bunch of "important" things to keep around. It's so much clutter.

I have developed a slight alcohol dependency. It stresses me out because my body craves it and I always find a reason to "need" it. I'm just a little lonely and it gives me a temporary happy. I'm intellectual and feel slightly surreal about it because I KNOW it's following me around, but I always excuse it.

I still have no license.

I am making a name for myself at the only job I've known for almost eight years. Kinda.

I don't cry anymore. Not much. I fear feeling that feeling of self-pity. But deep down, I know I'm stronger than I've ever been.

I pay child support. I have to either hide it or explain myself in awkwardness why I chose that option. I didn't "give up my baby." I simply KNEW I couldn't afford him, while making a new start on my own, and now I have a stigma of being "a mother who isn't the sole parent" following me. In reality, I made the most important decision of my life.

I AM in the most responsible and healthy relationship I've ever been in. We've known each other for years. we make each other happy, encourage each other, love, laugh and we didn't rush. It's a wonderful journey. We make no false or inconceivable promises. I just hate seeing him, after he acquired his recent job, so little. But I know it helps build our amazing relationship. I like working through it, like a team. He encourages my creativity, too.

But I feel a void.

I've pulled away. Make excuses. Became a shell. When's this stalled life going to evolve?

Anyway, I've had more beers than I'm willing to say. I simply wanted a release. I miss this community.

I've not disappeared completely.

Edit: I find it ironic that I had to change the title of this because a certain other poster (who will always be my favorite author) had the same title.

I've only felt my most comfortable on this site.

"I guess this is growing up."

"It was life, often unsatisfying, frequently cruel, usually boring, sometimes beautiful, once in awhile exhilarating." -Stephen King
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15-04-2015, 08:20 PM
RE: Existential Crisis
Hey there.

Missed you too.

Welcome back

Hug

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15-04-2015, 08:28 PM
RE: Existential Crisis
It sounds like you have had to make some hard decisions and I applaud you for doing what you thought was best for your son. Watch the alcohol thing, please. It can be quite a trap and it can keep you from being the best mom you can be and from moving forward in other areas of your life.

Take a breath, look at what's good and what's not so good in your life and start either weeding out or fixing the not so good things.

Keep us posted on how things are going.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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15-04-2015, 08:50 PM
RE: Existential Crisis
I know that feeling... That your life is just slipping away, and you're achieving nothing. I dropped out of school at 16 and immediately began looking for work, hoping to have something steady by the end of the year. It didn't happen, probably because nobody wanted to take on an untrained 16 year old dropout, with 4 average GCSEs and nothing else.

Things got worse when the global economy nosedived in 2008, and there was no work for pretty much anyone in my town. I decided I'd be better off weathering the storm, and just wait until things picked up a bit. Unfortunately, in 2011 I was hit with a flair up of an anxiety disorder that had lain dormant since I was a child. It left me severely depressed and unable to do almost anything useful. It took about 18 months before I finally snapped out of it.

So by this point it was over halfway through 2012, and I still hadn't achieved anything worthwhile. So I went back to looking for work... Sent off hundreds of applications, and mostly heard nothing back.

In June of 2013 I felt an enormous feeling of panic... 6 whole years of my life had been wasted. I'd spent much of it living like a hermit. And so I spent the rest of that year and into the next in a kind of depressed frustration. Everything I wanted to do in life had a brick wall in front of it, and I couldn't see a way out.

Thankfully, things turned a corner last year... I met two great guys, and we formed a band. We've been gigging, making a few quid here and there. But most importantly, we're living... Out in the world, meeting all kinds of weirdos and interesting people. I'm absolutely skint, but I don't give a flying fuck because I'm having fun, making a hell of a lot of noise and getting absolutely pissed.

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