Successful Even Though Parents are Screwed Up? How?
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
23-12-2013, 02:52 PM (This post was last modified: 23-12-2013 10:45 PM by anonymous66.)
Successful Even Though Parents are Screwed Up? How?
I'm in my mid 40's.
I had a pretty crummy childhood. Some of my earliest memories are of my dad beating my mom, and my mom being cruel to me.

My dad drank a lot, he and me mom had some pretty good fights. He gave her a black eye at least once.

He became a Christian when he was in his teens, but didn't even try to live a good life, until after he got out of the military when he was in his late 20's. Even after he started to attend church again, he still would have binges, and it was a fundamentalist church that taught a woman was to be subservient to men, and he let her know it.

My mother was pretty nasty to us kids at times, I think, because she would take out her frustrations on us. My dad accused her of being crazy, and later on convinced a psychiatrist that she should be on lithium, when in reality, it was just him blowing things out of proportion, regardless, he took pleasure in telling us that she was on medication.

Anyway, it wasn't much of a childhood.. Anyone else been there? Are you successful now? How do you think it is that you are doing well now?

Do you just ignore your childhood memories, or try to acknowledge them and deal with them in some way?
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
23-12-2013, 02:56 PM
RE: Succesul Even Though Parents are Screwed Up? How?
I had a similar childhood. Physically abusive stepfather and a mother who did nothing about it. Then when I was taken away from them to live with my biological father, it was just to leave one hell for another where he was a verbally abusive alcoholic.

I would not consider myself successful at all.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
23-12-2013, 06:40 PM
RE: Succesul Even Though Parents are Screwed Up? How?
Hey anonymous. Having messed up parents has messed with the lives of many of my siblings. I had 3 sisters get pregnant in highschool. One sister has huge anxiety issues, and won't talk to people..including family. Alltogether I have 7 siblings, and we all seemed to have had to go through some things (psychologically) because of our upbringing. A sign of this, is that most of us aren't talking to each other, which is sad.

All of my siblings are working hard to be successful. I can say that I'm doing pretty well, my oldest sister is probably doing the best out of us. But most of us are managing, even if they are strapped for cash and have other problems. 2 out of 8 of my parent's children seem to have bigger issues that might actually become problems that impact their life and future.

I hope things go well for you. Stay rational and focused on your goals!

I prefer fantasy, but I have to live in reality.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
23-12-2013, 06:57 PM
RE: Succesul Even Though Parents are Screwed Up? How?
find a good therapist. they help put things in the right perspective, so that you can move on and be more productive, set and achieve goals that make you happy. Screwed up childhoods can screw up adult hoods very easily. And you don't want to repeat the behaviors you were taught were 'normal'. Get the advice of a neutral 3rd party-that can identify areas that need help, put them in a new light, and teach you methods to move past those spots and to rise above it.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
23-12-2013, 07:10 PM
RE: Succesul Even Though Parents are Screwed Up? How?
I suppose it depends on how you define success.

My father was brutally physically abusive to my mother and later to me and to a lesser extent my younger siblings. I endured beatings that most people wouldn't believe. I still carry scars both mentally and physically. What may seem strange is that the fear of what would or wouldn't set him off was as bad as the beatings themselves.

My mother was also physically abusive but in different ways. She taped our mouths shut when she wanted us to be quiet. Funny that memory came to me a few years ago, like in a flash, I had to call my sister to see if it was real or my mind was screwing with me. She also would push all the right buttons to set dad off...she was the one that wanted the violence but didn't necessarily want to be the one to do it. She would stand and cheer dad on as he beat me bloody...pretty sick.

The mental and emotion abuse was even worse. Yet, to the outside world we seemed the perfect family. It is part of the cycle, I know that now.

Both drank too much but mom was/is a full blown alcoholic. I haven't spoken to her but one time in about the last decade and that's when her mother died. The conversation quickly devolved into the same old shit.

Dad and I worked a few things out before he died. Not everything, I don't know that we could have worked through it all.

I do have a history of being in abusive relationships. I didn't know any other kind. I do not drink. I blame a lot on the effects of alcohol mixed with two very volatile people.

If there is any success...it's that I didn't pass the abuse on to my kids though I do feel bad that they have witnessed abuse directed at me. But then they saw that out of my parents. My last beating from dad was when I was in my 20s and happened in front of my daughters...complete with him nearly throwing a very heavy toy at the head of my then four year old and my ending up with blood gushing from my eye, broken glasses, and a horrible black eye.

Some days I feel pretty good about moving past it. Some days, I still feel their control and my self-esteem is usually in the gutter...where it started and tends to stay.

Counseling helped a little, some good books on the subject also helped. I don't think there's a cure. You just try to figure out how to keep going - no matter how small the steps are.

I'm not anti-social. I'm pro-solitude. Sleepy
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Anjele's post
23-12-2013, 07:13 PM (This post was last modified: 23-12-2013 09:35 PM by Revenant77x.)
RE: Succesul Even Though Parents are Screwed Up? How?
Edit: Content Removed. This is the Support Section and is much more moderated than the rest of the forum. Please keep all comments and posts positive.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
23-12-2013, 07:20 PM
RE: Succesul Even Though Parents are Screwed Up? How?
I don't have anything to add, I just want to give all of you big hugs Hug from our limited contact on the forum, I enjoy interacting with each of you, and my heart breaks to hear these stories. Hug
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
23-12-2013, 07:27 PM (This post was last modified: 23-12-2013 07:43 PM by sporehux.)
RE: Succesul Even Though Parents are Screwed Up? How?
My dad beat my mum into hospital visits numerous times, would come home late drunk and drag all the kids out of bed and belt us for misplacing his torch that he found in his car trunk days later.
Mum kept getting the preacher to talk to him and we would all be safe for a few weeks.
If think the words were most damaging,
your useless, your an embarrassment, why were you born, waste of gods gift (what ever that meant). Stupid, less than other people children,
Getting belted for the slightest infraction was just routine, pain is easily blocked out if its regular.

If you define success as monetary/career then all of us kids ended up in good jobs and are regarded as kind friendly people, but emotionally we are sort of messed up.
I'm guessing we all inherited a how not to be a parent from them. None of use use any form of corporal punishment with our kids, and they are all good natured/ respectfull.

As soon as my relationships progress from physical lust to soul mate stuff I shut up shop and ending the relation ship, exposing the train car of damaged baggage is just too hard,

My mum tries to initiate a relation ship, but I feel she is foreign to me while he is still alive by her side.

Theism is to believe what other people claim, Atheism is to ask "why should I".
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes sporehux's post
23-12-2013, 09:01 PM
RE: Succesul Even Though Parents are Screwed Up? How?
Thanks for sharing all. It's helpful to know I'm not alone.
I've tried counseling several times over the years, but I don't find it helpful. It makes me feel worse.
The only thing that helps me is to actually spend time doing the things that make me happy.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
23-12-2013, 09:12 PM
RE: Succesul Even Though Parents are Screwed Up? How?
If you can find it, and it's not the easiest book to locate any more...find and read 'Toxic Parents'.

I'm not anti-social. I'm pro-solitude. Sleepy
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
Post Reply
Forum Jump: