Successful Even Though Parents are Screwed Up? How?
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24-12-2013, 12:20 AM (This post was last modified: 24-12-2013 12:55 AM by Momsurroundedbyboys.)
RE: Successful Even Though Parents are Screwed Up? How?
(24-12-2013 12:05 AM)The Misanthrope Wrote:  
(23-12-2013 11:46 PM)Gordon Wrote:  I wish I could say something worthwhile here, but I know that's not possible. Even sympathy from others doesn't remove what happened. I am convinced God created us to suffer.

Maybe a life without suffering is not a life worth living. What good have we ever achieved that we didn't have to suffer to obtain?

I wonder something: If we had our own universe, if we had unlimited powers of creation, in order to make that place good rather than bad, wouldn't we have to have an awful lot of wisdom?

When did one ever get wisdom without suffering?

Maybe when we die it's like a lucid dream, maybe that's what our consciousness produces when there's no longer a body feeding it with input. Because I'm stupid, I've done some pretty awful things in the lucid dreams I have had. What if when I die, I end up in a lucid dream that has no end?

When I contemplate that possibility, sometimes I think I need to suffer a great deal more, and I actually find myself worried that I don't have enough time left to get all the suffering in that I need to experience. Because you can gain knowledge without suffering, but you can't gain wisdom without suffering.

Even worse: In a lucid dream, if I want to create people, and if I want them to be happy and experience pleasure, I'm going to have to create suffering for them so they can feel the difference. It baffles me. I mean, how am I supposed to learn to be not only compassionate, but also how to produce suffering in just the right amounts to really grow happiness? It's like how much cow shit is required to get the best out of your garden? How do you keep from overdoing it?

Wisdom born of pain.

I'm not sure we need less; we might just need more.

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24-12-2013, 12:29 AM (This post was last modified: 24-12-2013 12:56 AM by Momsurroundedbyboys.)
RE: Successful Even Though Parents are Screwed Up? How?
(24-12-2013 12:14 AM)aurora Wrote:  
(24-12-2013 12:05 AM)The Misanthrope Wrote:  Edit: Content Removed. This is the Support Section and is much more moderated than the rest of the forum. User was already reminded to keep all comments and posts positive.

That you have had 'worse life' is not the point! This is a 'support' section. If you haven't got a supportive post, don't post here.
aurora (admin)

[/quote]

Edit: Content Removed. This is the Support Section and is much more moderated than the rest of the forum. User was already reminded to keep all comments and posts positive.
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24-12-2013, 08:07 AM
RE: Successful Even Though Parents are Screwed Up? How?
(23-12-2013 07:10 PM)Anjele Wrote:  I suppose it depends on how you define success.

My father was brutally physically abusive to my mother and later to me and to a lesser extent my younger siblings. I endured beatings that most people wouldn't believe. I still carry scars both mentally and physically. What may seem strange is that the fear of what would or wouldn't set him off was as bad as the beatings themselves.

My mother was also physically abusive but in different ways. She taped our mouths shut when she wanted us to be quiet. Funny that memory came to me a few years ago, like in a flash, I had to call my sister to see if it was real or my mind was screwing with me. She also would push all the right buttons to set dad off...she was the one that wanted the violence but didn't necessarily want to be the one to do it. She would stand and cheer dad on as he beat me bloody...pretty sick.

The mental and emotion abuse was even worse. Yet, to the outside world we seemed the perfect family. It is part of the cycle, I know that now.

Both drank too much but mom was/is a full blown alcoholic. I haven't spoken to her but one time in about the last decade and that's when her mother died. The conversation quickly devolved into the same old shit.

Dad and I worked a few things out before he died. Not everything, I don't know that we could have worked through it all.

I do have a history of being in abusive relationships. I didn't know any other kind. I do not drink. I blame a lot on the effects of alcohol mixed with two very volatile people.

If there is any success...it's that I didn't pass the abuse on to my kids though I do feel bad that they have witnessed abuse directed at me. But then they saw that out of my parents. My last beating from dad was when I was in my 20s and happened in front of my daughters...complete with him nearly throwing a very heavy toy at the head of my then four year old and my ending up with blood gushing from my eye, broken glasses, and a horrible black eye.

Some days I feel pretty good about moving past it. Some days, I still feel their control and my self-esteem is usually in the gutter...where it started and tends to stay.

Counseling helped a little, some good books on the subject also helped. I don't think there's a cure. You just try to figure out how to keep going - no matter how small the steps are.

this is....this is just....its fucked up shit man. Your sister cheered when you got hit? Your dad beated you bloody? Thats just sick!

I don't really like going outside.
It's too damn "peopley" out there....
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24-12-2013, 08:10 AM
RE: Successful Even Though Parents are Screwed Up? How?
(24-12-2013 08:07 AM)Lightvader Wrote:  
(23-12-2013 07:10 PM)Anjele Wrote:  I suppose it depends on how you define success.

My father was brutally physically abusive to my mother and later to me and to a lesser extent my younger siblings. I endured beatings that most people wouldn't believe. I still carry scars both mentally and physically. What may seem strange is that the fear of what would or wouldn't set him off was as bad as the beatings themselves.

My mother was also physically abusive but in different ways. She taped our mouths shut when she wanted us to be quiet. Funny that memory came to me a few years ago, like in a flash, I had to call my sister to see if it was real or my mind was screwing with me. She also would push all the right buttons to set dad off...she was the one that wanted the violence but didn't necessarily want to be the one to do it. She would stand and cheer dad on as he beat me bloody...pretty sick.

The mental and emotion abuse was even worse. Yet, to the outside world we seemed the perfect family. It is part of the cycle, I know that now.

Both drank too much but mom was/is a full blown alcoholic. I haven't spoken to her but one time in about the last decade and that's when her mother died. The conversation quickly devolved into the same old shit.

Dad and I worked a few things out before he died. Not everything, I don't know that we could have worked through it all.

I do have a history of being in abusive relationships. I didn't know any other kind. I do not drink. I blame a lot on the effects of alcohol mixed with two very volatile people.

If there is any success...it's that I didn't pass the abuse on to my kids though I do feel bad that they have witnessed abuse directed at me. But then they saw that out of my parents. My last beating from dad was when I was in my 20s and happened in front of my daughters...complete with him nearly throwing a very heavy toy at the head of my then four year old and my ending up with blood gushing from my eye, broken glasses, and a horrible black eye.

Some days I feel pretty good about moving past it. Some days, I still feel their control and my self-esteem is usually in the gutter...where it started and tends to stay.

Counseling helped a little, some good books on the subject also helped. I don't think there's a cure. You just try to figure out how to keep going - no matter how small the steps are.

this is....this is just....its fucked up shit man. Your sister cheered when you got hit? Your dad beated you bloody? Thats just sick!

No, my mother would. Siblings usually just got themselves out of the way, don't blame them for that.

I'm not anti-social. I'm pro-solitude. Sleepy
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24-12-2013, 12:06 PM (This post was last modified: 24-12-2013 12:12 PM by anonymous66.)
RE: Successful Even Though Parents are Screwed Up? How?
I just want to wish a Merry Christmas to everyone who responded in this thread. We didn't do anything do deserve the childhood trauma we experienced. Hopefully, we can all find healthy ways to deal with the pain and problems that still sometimes crop up.
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24-12-2013, 12:26 PM
RE: Successful Even Though Parents are Screwed Up? How?
(24-12-2013 12:06 PM)anonymous66 Wrote:  I just want to wish a Merry Christmas to everyone who responded in this thread. We didn't do anything do deserve the childhood trauma we experienced. Hopefully, we can all find healthy ways to deal with the pain and problems that still sometimes crop up.


[Image: 613a6438f10f7e2a5427825dee9503ce_zps4ecec656.jpg] Hug
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24-12-2013, 12:51 PM
RE: Successful Even Though Parents are Screwed Up? How?
I'm in my 40's too. I was going to type up a long commiserating response and decided not to. I was either struck by the affect it was having on me to type it or I felt like I was typing a "me too" reply.

Here's my good news. 42 years old. Married for 21 of them. 2 sober, decent kids (one 20 and one 16).

Only spanked my kids a couple times and for that I feel eternally embarrassed. Hopefully they'll do me one better and never hit their own. Good news is, they don't know what a "spank spoon" is.

The two of them know I used to drink for recreation but cannot remember seeing me or their mom drunk.

We talk openly about drug use, sex, religion, business opportunities, obligations, politics, etc.

I have a couple people who shared what turned out to be incredibly insightful philosophy with me when I was at a point in my life where I was open to change and I've leveraged that into what I think is pretty good stuff.

The world would have been just fine if I had propagated my past. But I didn't. I'm not sure why.

Gotta go see my mom this afternoon. She's drug and eating pain pills already. Plus she has little money but think that Christmas does come wrapped in paper. Gonna try to not let it affect me, my wife, and my girls. Gonna try to smile my way through it.

I'm mostly successful. Middle management. Known for my positive words and enthusiasm. Here's to the next generation improving on what I've created. Here's to me not turning into what's wrapped in my DNA.

That was longer than I meant it to be. Two of my big flaws work together. I have a lot to say. I type fast. Consider

(23-12-2013 02:52 PM)anonymous66 Wrote:  I'm in my mid 40's.
I had a pretty crummy childhood. Some of my earliest memories are of my dad beating my mom, and my mom being cruel to me.

My dad drank a lot, he and me mom had some pretty good fights. He gave her a black eye at least once.

He became a Christian when he was in his teens, but didn't even try to live a good life, until after he got out of the military when he was in his late 20's. Even after he started to attend church again, he still would have binges, and it was a fundamentalist church that taught a woman was to be subservient to men, and he let her know it.

My mother was pretty nasty to us kids at times, I think, because she would take out her frustrations on us. My dad accused her of being crazy, and later on convinced a psychiatrist that she should be on lithium, when in reality, it was just him blowing things out of proportion, regardless, he took pleasure in telling us that she was on medication.

Anyway, it wasn't much of a childhood.. Anyone else been there? Are you successful now? How do you think it is that you are doing well now?

Do you just ignore your childhood memories, or try to acknowledge them and deal with them in some way?
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27-12-2013, 10:35 AM
RE: Successful Even Though Parents are Screwed Up? How?
Pat Conroy is on the Diane Rehms show today. He had a horrific childhood because of an abusive father, but has used his experiences to write successful books like The Prince of Tides. He has definitely not shied away from his experiences.
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27-12-2013, 10:42 AM
RE: Successful Even Though Parents are Screwed Up? How?
I'm one of those glass-half-full, ridiculously inspirational speakers that ALWAYS promotes that whatever your background, childhood, environmental experience --- whatever your genetic makeup, all of the above..........they ALL go into your recipe and make YOU who you are.......right now. Here. Today.

As long as you can look in the mirror and say "Yep - that's good stuff" (meaning inside and out) it's gravy!!! Even be grateful for some bad childhood experiences and such - for they perhaps made you a better person had you not faced adversity a time or twelve.

Yes.....celebrate and embrace any and all hardships for it all goes together to make you - You! And YOU is something to be celebrated.[1]

Absolutely!Thumbsup




[1] I am totally unsure as to the composition of that sentence.Blink

When I want your opinion I'll read your entrails.
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27-12-2013, 11:07 AM
RE: Successful Even Though Parents are Screwed Up? How?
(24-12-2013 12:06 PM)anonymous66 Wrote:  I just want to wish a Merry Christmas to everyone who responded in this thread. We didn't do anything do deserve the childhood trauma we experienced. Hopefully, we can all find healthy ways to deal with the pain and problems that still sometimes crop up.

Hug

I'm not anti-social. I'm pro-solitude. Sleepy
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