Suicide (or rather, helping a friend)
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15-11-2014, 08:40 AM
Suicide (or rather, helping a friend)
I don't really feel comfortable saying this, mostly because I don't feel it is exactly my right to talk about someone else's situation in specifics (and I'll try to avoid spilling as much as I can, or maybe I'll just change their names). However, for the past few weeks, my life has been one giant fucking soap opera, and I feel like I can't navigate it anymore.

No, I am not considering ending it (It hasn't gotten THAT bad), but one of my friends is, and it's over a pretty dumb reason.

So, story time:

Months ago, my best friend, Duncan (his name remains the same because I've talked to you guys about him), and this one girl, Jennifer, got together. It was kinda my fault they did, as I was the one that noticed that something more than friendship was going on (they were literally texting everyday, every second, even he was at my house). So I told them to stop the fucking interplay and get together.

Well, they did. And it was GREAT. I mean seriously, my virgin, sheltered, and best friend got his first ever real girlfriend at the tender age of 17. It was pretty awesome to see a new side of him that genuinely cared for someone other than me and another friend (Anthony). However, in every relationship, they were cracks. And usually, couples work to solve these cracks.

Duncan doesn't work like that. He tends to flee at the first sight of problems, or to entrench himself in his position, and refuse to head the other party out. Basically, he refused to communicate with Jennifer about the (from the outside, very small) problems that they had. Now, during this time, I was having some of the best things in my life happen. I was spending the majority of my nights on Skype and such, and it was great.

Basically, I was happy and he wasn't. So Duncan told me that he needed help either fixing or eliminating the problem. So, I got involved in the situation (which I shouldn't have). And it got progressively worse.

We found out just how attached Jennifer became. She refused to accept Duncan's break up with her, and she tried to force him to drink Alcohol (something he is fundamentally against, btw.) and generally was hung up on him. So, I tried to help her get over him. I told her the truth, and it ended up hurting her. I thought, I believed that she needed to be hurt, so that they could realize what a bad situation this was and leave.

But no, instead, she tried to commit suicide, and tried again last night. She called me whilst she was doing, and I was watching her fucking die. I did what I could to try to help her, and she is still alive, but a part of me feels responsible for causing ALL of this.

Now, I'm not happy, and Duncan is. He is happy to be free, and now I am chained by a deep seeded need to fix the glaring problems.

Recently, I look forward to Skype calls, more than actually living my own life.

What should I do.

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15-11-2014, 08:51 AM
RE: Suicide (or rather, helping a friend)
Wow.

Very difficult situation to be in. Sorry man. I learned a while ago not to get involved in couples' fights with each other - now you have too. It's between her and him really. Think it's too far gone for backing out though.

At a guess, and maybe you should ask her too, I would say possibly the reason she called you is that she's scared to die (good, be scared!) and though she made the suicide attempt she wanted one last lifeline - namely you.

I think you need to work with her parents and friends (if you're not doing so already) because the situation is bigger than you can fix by your own actions alone. Get some people helping you to help her. Especially if she can see a professional therapist then some progress can start to be made.

You may need to be her friend for a while, assuming you still feel friendly towards her. She will get over him, everyone does eventually. But she may be depressed and sad for quite a long time before that - hardcore depression is what leads to suicidal thoughts basically.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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15-11-2014, 08:57 AM
RE: Suicide (or rather, helping a friend)
It is exhausting trying to be a savior. I have a personal anecdote here about a high school boyfriend who needed to be rescued... Trust me, don't entrench yourself further. In the beginning, you were trying to make two people happy. They couldn't keep it together, such is the way with many high school relationships. In the end, I think the break up would have happened anyway. so you hastened it along a bit, so what? It was with good intentions. Suicidal thoughts and actions are a sign of something more going on than just reacting your words and actions (or those of the ex boyfriend). I really don't think you should feel at fault, but I do think your friend needs help. Professional, adult help.

Atheism is the only way to truly be free from sin.
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15-11-2014, 09:11 AM
RE: Suicide (or rather, helping a friend)
(15-11-2014 08:57 AM)Colourcraze Wrote:  It is exhausting trying to be a savior. I have a personal anecdote here about a high school boyfriend who needed to be rescued... Trust me, don't entrench yourself further. In the beginning, you were trying to make two people happy. They couldn't keep it together, such is the way with many high school relationships. In the end, I think the break up would have happened anyway. so you hastened it along a bit, so what? It was with good intentions. Suicidal thoughts and actions are a sign of something more going on than just reacting your words and actions (or those of the ex boyfriend). I really don't think you should feel at fault, but I do think your friend needs help. Professional, adult help.
Thanks, I am trying to direct her towards help.
Fortunately, she won't be my girlfriend, ever. I've considered the option a long time ago, and because of events, have deemed it not suitable. You won't have to worry about me getting that far.

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15-11-2014, 09:50 AM
RE: Suicide (or rather, helping a friend)
Well that is an awful lot to have to deal with and sorry you have to for what that is worth.

You can't fix these problems. You can be a sympathetic ear, you can be a friend but people are not ours to fix. Some will hit bad patches and set them selves right. You'll find others just spin their wheels and never move on in life.

I think MD is right in that she reached out so she had a second thought and getting others involved. This isn't something that should rest on your shoulders. Obviously she has to be taken somewhat seriously when she makes suicidal statements and that isn't a burden you should have to cope with.

I know what you mean about looking forward to Skype rather than your own life. I feel that way from time to time.

" Generally speaking, the errors in religion are dangerous; those in philosophy only ridiculous."
David Hume
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15-11-2014, 10:15 AM
RE: Suicide (or rather, helping a friend)
Wow Ato.. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this Hug and that poor girl No

Teens who genuinely attempt suicide can be placed in a hospital for mental evaluation. She NEEDS this. The fact that she tried twice, and the second time called you, she is literally screaming for help. There is no shame in having her admitted for a few days. The doctors there can get her the help she needs. Plus once she is their patient, they are responsible for her well being. It takes the burden off of you. They will be responsible for making sure she is safe, and getting the help she needs.

Are her parents aware? As much as it feels like it would be a betrayal, it's time to get her parents and the authorities involved. It won't be a betrayal but the lifeline she needs, I promise.

You can't and shouldn't have to deal with this alone Hug Heart

I hope that the world turns, and things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. - V for Vendetta
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15-11-2014, 10:21 AM
RE: Suicide (or rather, helping a friend)
(15-11-2014 10:15 AM)Smercury44 Wrote:  As much as it feels like it would be a betrayal, it's time to get her parents and the authorities involved. It won't be a betrayal but the lifeline she needs, I promise.

This. It's not betrayal to save her life.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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15-11-2014, 10:31 AM
RE: Suicide (or rather, helping a friend)
It sounds like you are trying to handle something that is beyond your scope and ability. Not that you aren't a great person for trying but there are better people to deal with this if she is actually making suicide attempts. The weight of a successful attempt is not one that needs to rest on your shoulders. Your aren't trained to take this on. If there have been two attempts I would have to suggest getting parents or professionals involved.

Maybe she will hate you for it but she will have to be alive to hate you.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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15-11-2014, 12:04 PM
RE: Suicide (or rather, helping a friend)
(15-11-2014 10:31 AM)Anjele Wrote:  Maybe she will hate you for it but she will have to be alive to hate you.

So true - I'd like to add - she will likely one day be grateful.

Calling you was a cry for help - she is literally begging for it. And she needs it. Be kind and be her friend - just knowing one person cares can help tremendously. She needs professional help, which you can't provide, and taking actions to get her help is the best thing you can do for her as her friend.

Btw, this is not your fault. YOU are responsible for YOU. You are not responsible for another person's emotions nor their mental health.

"If there's a single thing that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." - Lev Grossman
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15-11-2014, 12:28 PM
RE: Suicide (or rather, helping a friend)
you are not responsible for the choices either of these two make. -- good or bad.

she needs help.

if you care about her, you will notify her parents - even if she hates you for life.

you are not qualified to be her doctor, her therapist or any other professional.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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