Tales of fucktard co-workers
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11-10-2016, 05:44 PM (This post was last modified: 11-10-2016 06:34 PM by Leerob.)
Tales of fucktard co-workers
Ok I have 3 co-workers that I would like to tell you about and maybe you have some fucktards for co-workers too, that you want to talk about.

So let us begin. (novel ahead)

Co-worker number one:
On her first day I felt bad for her because she knew nobody and nothing there. I had come back to this workplace on the same day so we went to the same trainings but I knew everybody and everything there already. So she kinda stuck with me once she saw that I know my way around and how the company works. But it got really creepy. I mean for the following days, no matter where I was and at what time, I'd turn around and she'd be there.
Anyway on the first day, after work, we can have dinner at work if we like. So because she hadn't stopped chewing my ear off all day, I was hoping she'd decide at some point if she eats there or leaves. I just stood there at the lift, letting her ramble on for a while and at some point asked if she'd stay or leave. Basically wanted to probe her so I could do the other thing. She wanted to just stick with me so I was gonna go to the bus. There is a bus stop 2 minutes walk away but I decided to walk the long way, take a parallel road and get on the bus like 6 stops later. I was hoping that during the long walk at some point she'd just fuck off. I am not prick enough to tell someone that needy to fuck off. So for another half hour after work she kept telling me her life. That she wanted a boyfriend (she later on told another coworker that she is lesbian), that she fucked up with university, that she had this job and that job and lived here and there and so on... Fuck... Honestly. It went that way for days until I found that I need to ignore her so she leaves me alone. It kinda worked. She was now completely confused at all times at work. Because she would never have her time table with her or even just check in outlook to see what trainings were scheduled.
The little bit of organisation skill needed to A) Look on your timetable B) be at the training on time C) Pay attention... Was just too much for her.
So I was in the same trainings right? Now I can understand if everything is actually new (for me it was all refreshers) that it might be a bit much although for me it was never too much. Then again learning comes easily to me and not everybody is like that. So I remember distinctly how she would face the right way but her eyes would tell me that she is not in the room with her thoughts. She was zoning out for 4 weeks of training. Everytime we had to practice or work something we just learned, she'd have a million questions. Dumb questions actually (yes those exist) like stuff that was literally said and shown in the training very clearly and explained because important. 5 minutes after the training, now working on that, she'd ask how it works. Like this woman's brain is like a sifter. Information goes right through like water...
She started in May and she is still that way. She asks a million things that NO ONE else asks, she annoys everybody.
Now here is the other thing why no one likes her and I am by now allergic to her. I am not sure what exactly her mental issues are but all her social interactions seem like she is robotically applying a formula. She is socially so awkward. Her reactions have a weird delay and therefore usually come out when it is too late and she has certain things that cannot be skipped or she is stuck. Like she came to me to ask something and I am, at work especially, just about getting things done. I am efficient so I skip the small talk. So she comes "Hi Leela, how are you." I am like "Hi, what's up" and she is like "How are you"... Ok? That is how stuck she will be. You must answer the question or she cannot move on. She has other weird behaviours liek always her head will be a bit crooked when she thinks she is being nice, she stutters a little bit sometimes, she gets red like a tomato for no reason sometimes, talks to the computer and grumbles all day...
So yea anyway that is coworker nr 1 and I want her to go see a therapist.
Edit addtion: I want to make very clear that I am not bashing on her because of her mental issues. I am bashing on her because apart from that she is a very un-intelligent, stupid person. Unefficient and slow. And I have no patience for that. The mental stuff is on top of that where I, the efficient person, am thinking, please get some help so you can get over whatever is making you disfunction. Because I want to work in peace and efficiently instead of having to deal with that person the way she is right now. She is earning enough to pay for whatever help or treatment she needs. I know that because we are paid the same. And she is not afraid of admitting that she has issues because she has "admitted" to many things so far, that make her oh so special and fucked up. A lot of it turned out to be lies because she contradicts herself a lot. But that need to lie and make up things like that is sick as well and annoys me on top of everything else. So yes, she definitely deserves my dislike.

Co-worker nr 2:
So he has ADHD and that is clear. Now I don't have a problem with people who have ADHD. Just take your medication so you can function and things are fine. Well he does not take his fucking medication. Now I have ADD.
ADHD = Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
ADD = Attention Deficit Disorder
So I have serious issues with my attention span without interference already. But this guy, the first two months he was standing up, jumping, dancing, doing gymnastics, talking, singing, bouncing around, beatboxing... ALL FUCKING DAY LONG AT WORK. Ok? I don't care what he does at home or anywhere that is not in my close proximity but if you are sitting next to me at work or anywhere close, you got to shut the fuck up and leave me alone.
At some point we had 121's with the team leads and he complained that he doesn't feel welcome in the team and that no one wants to answer his questions. Well boohoo big surprise man. After everybody else complained back that he behaves this way, he got a second meet and greet with the lead who put him in his place and it has gotten better since then.
But that is not all. The guy is not stupid but from how I can interpret his behaviour, all his life he got a pass when he acted dumb so that is what he does now. Boot licking and playing dumb.
So here is an example. I am quality POC. That means I am part of the team that ensures that the everybody works to a certain quality standard right. Part of that is, when people make a lot of mistakes, I meet with them, go through it, find out what the issue is and explain that stuff so they won't make the same mistake again. So I had this meeting with him. There was a specific thing he did wrong and received a mistake from an auditor and he asked if he can fight that one. I told him no and explained why. half an hour after our meeting I see that he tried to fight it anyway so that auditor comes to me and asks my second opinion and I am like "wow i just talked to him about this, you are right and it is fine. stand your ground blabla" so then he starts arguing some bullshit to the point where we had to bring the teamlead in who had to basically tell him to stop being an asshole.
Fuck I hate this guy. He loves to act like the sunnyboy but really he is insecure as fuck and when he makes a mistake, he sure does not want to own up to it. Fuck that guy fuck fuck.

Co-worker 3
I never had an issue with that guy until recently when I have been made a quality POC. He is an auditor so he has to report back to me. Before I was put in place, he had half a year where he got away with stupid excuses and so he never did shit and if he did shit, he did id badly. So I started insisting and he took it personally that I made him do his fucking job.
Apart from that, generally, he is making his own life more difficult and I think it is because he is just not very intelligent. From what he usually talks anyway. Like over lunch he was talking about his daughter who came home from school with some abdominal pain in one specific spot. And he argued with her that this is impossible. So when he told the story I corrected him that it is very possible to have a pain specific to a small area because organs and shit. He didn't want to believe me and I don't have a lot of fucks to give so I let it go. He also doesn't know what fights to pick at work really. He fights the most stupidest things so that by now, people just roll their eyes when he says things. Teamleads have told me that he just complains a lot.
Today for example we had to help out another market, language agnostically. That market was so foreign, it even had a different alphabet. So we were given very specific guidelines on how to work that stuff when we help. Everybody got 100 or 200 tickets assigned to work in order to help out. We were told if we have more capacity to go ahead and work more on that. So most of us did a bit more just because. I had 200 assigned and ended up doing 600. He had 200 assigned and in the end of the day prided (grammar correct?) himself in "I did 5000" (five thousand) and I found that so pricky. Because first of all, I saw how he worked it, which was not according to the guidelines we received, and also, everytime he is asked to do a specific thing, his answer is that he has no time and he is so busy, but today he could pride himself in "I did this all after noon" well fuck you, man! Being quality POC is wonderful because in a week I will see the report of how many mistakes he made out of those 5k tickets he worked today Wink

Now you! You got fucktards like that? Tell me, I must know that I am not alone.

Captain Underpants
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11-10-2016, 06:16 PM
RE: Tales of fucktard co-workers
One of my favorites-

I was working at a place that built antennas. We had software to process the data after it was acquired. The software was specific, in that, for different configurations, you had to use different software. No big deal- this type antenna, use this .exe. Now, the titles of the .exes were a dead giveaway for when they get used. But this one guy used the wrong one, and I caught it. No big deal, just explained what he did wrong and moved on, with the data processed via the correct .exe. I made icons that were pics of the different type of radiation patterns involved, and named them for that pattern. Next thing I know, I come in the next morning and there is paperwork detailing failure of the antenna, based on the pattern that was printed out. You guessed it- he still used the wrong software. Facepalm I had to disposition the discrepancy. I wrote "Counsel employee to click on the correct icon." I shit you not, we sent this guy out for doughnuts one morning, but he didn't want to wait for the train, so he turned around, went to another store, and came back with hamburgers. Laughat Nice kid, but...
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12-10-2016, 12:41 AM
RE: Tales of fucktard co-workers
You're not alone in having screwed up co-workers. I worked with guy convinced of some nefarious and nebulous Jewish conspiracy - he saw "Jewish plots" everywhere, but considering that he was stupid enough to mistake packed sauerkraut witch cheese I'm not surprised by his idiocy. There was also a woman who thought that homosexuals shouldn't have any rights. Allegedly she was a teacher before coming to firm I work and remembering her saying that she would rather save dog than a child I hope that children she "taught" weren't too damaged by such experience.

Other than that there is many simply stupid people there, people who look on a book with suspicion, just like medieval peasants would look at mobile phone.

The first revolt is against the supreme tyranny of theology, of the phantom of God. As long as we have a master in heaven, we will be slaves on earth.

Mikhail Bakunin.
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12-10-2016, 04:53 AM
RE: Tales of fucktard co-workers
Am not going to bore oyu with long winded engineering stories but to make it short:

Fo ryears i had to work (luckily only loosely) with a guy with a degree in electronics engineering, and he didnt know the difference between

1. Processor (CPU)
2. Operating system
2. application software

Facepalm Facepalm Facepalm

He was barely able to open empty excel sheets (literally!) or make entries in already exiting excel tables. He walked so slowly (and by watching him you could litereally feel how slow he was overall, in thinking as well) that when he entered our building and was already in the second floor when i entered, i had overtaken him by the 3rd. Seriously, happened multiple times. He walks like a fucking Zombie! No shit!

I was responsible for hardware safety analysis he was responsible for system ( Facepalm Facepalm Facepalm ), and for years, when he tried to firure out erroenous system reactions he asked me about corrupted bits in the RAM /EEPROM or program memory of the CPU. I told him that we have a complete software department who is applying (abstract) control algorithms and implementing them into the ooperating system running on our CPU. If he wants to look for erroenous behaviour, hes should start analysing those algorithms and the operating system. I told him every time that (although i had some damn fucking clue how this works, but if i would tell him i wouldd NEVER get rid of him again) i am responsbile for the hardware platform, not for the software running on that. They could literally program a coffee machine, if they want, on our ABS/ESC controller.
He never got it. When trying to figure out what can lead to unwanted braking (our controller activley building up pressure in the brakes) he always asked me which memory cell on the CPU that can be. Weeping

Can you imagine someone who doesnt know the differenece between the Intel CPU, Windows 10, and some application like MS Word? And hes a fucking electronics engineer w.t.a.f.!?

Shit, now it was long winded, but this guy still cracks me up. From the start he got a higher salary than most of my colleagues in the HW and SW group, just because he was "higher in the food chain" working on system level. Still, he was and is utterly clueless. Everytime he enters our area with separate access key i, jokingly ask them who the fuck let him in again. Angel

Ceterum censeo, religionem delendam esse
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12-10-2016, 05:51 AM
RE: Tales of fucktard co-workers
I caught a guy --- Ted -- smoking crack cocaine in the bathroom --- so I informed the owner of the company.....

They sent Ted to a "Christian Reformed Drug and Alcohol Rehabilitation Center" - run by the owner's church.

I went on vacation. While gone - the shop foreman got sacked --- and guess who they made shop foreman??

Crackhead Ted.


I get back from vacation - and the first thing I get subjected to is "Employee Evaluations" --- by Crackhead Ted, and Moneyman Mike. (MM was the HR guy - and got caught embezzling almost a 1/4 million dollars.. He did 2 years then got deported back to England.) (Funny side note -- they never did get the Miata that he had shipped to England, so I guess he got to keep it...)

Needless to say - I wasn't getting a glowing recommendation. I grabbed their "evaluation" paper - got up and walked into the owner's office -- and said "You KNOW what this is, right??? It's payback for ratting Crackhead Ted out..... Fine.... If you think that I'm --- and I quote (reading from the eval) --"Unable to work with others, and not of sufficient skill for the job" -- fine ---- fire me right now......... If not --- you make me my own department - and I'm NOT working for, with or even next to Crackhead Ted... He's not right in the head -- he's a crackhead - and he's going to self destruct at some point. Mark my words..."

I got my own department....

3 months later -- Ted was awaiting trial --- for stealing the company truck, and credit card -- and going on a spending spree at casinos. He also wrecked the truck.....



I'm a double atheist. I don't believe in your god or your politician.
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12-10-2016, 06:49 AM
RE: Tales of fucktard co-workers
You need to read Cipola's "The Basic Laws of Stupidity"

Makes you realise that people are stupid the world over and that their effects on society are enormous.

These are Cipolla's five fundamental laws of stupidity:

1. Always and inevitably everyone underestimates the number of stupid individuals in circulation.
2. The probability that a certain person (will) be stupid is independent of any other characteristic of that person.
3. A stupid person is a person who causes losses to another person or to a group of persons while himself deriving no gain and even possibly incurring losses.
4. Non-stupid people always underestimate the damaging power of stupid individuals. In particular non-stupid people constantly forget that at all times and places and under any circumstances to deal and/or associate with stupid people always turns out to be a costly mistake.
5. A stupid person is the most dangerous type of person.

Corollary: a stupid person is more dangerous than a pillager.

The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike
Excreta Tauri Sapientam Fulgeat (The excrement of the bull causes wisdom to flee)
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12-10-2016, 08:14 AM (This post was last modified: 12-10-2016 08:57 AM by yakherder.)
RE: Tales of fucktard co-workers
Got a relatively new soldier I'm dealing with, made more problematic by the fact that we're only in direct contact once per month during drills. Assuming he shows up.

Early on when he used the good old "my mom died" excuse to explain his behavioral issues and unannounced absences, I was sympathetic and understanding. The next month when he didn't show up and we sent someone to his house to get him and his mom answered the door, my level of tolerance started to plummet.

'Murican Canadian
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12-10-2016, 08:54 AM
RE: Tales of fucktard co-workers
It's a MIRACLE!!!!!!!




I'm a double atheist. I don't believe in your god or your politician.
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12-10-2016, 09:23 AM
RE: Tales of fucktard co-workers
(12-10-2016 08:14 AM)yakherder Wrote:  Got a relatively new soldier I'm dealing with, made more problematic by the fact that we're only in direct contact once per month during drills. Assuming he shows up.

Early on when he used the good old "my mom died" excuse to explain his behavioral issues and unannounced absences, I was sympathetic and understanding. The next month when he didn't show up and we sent someone to his house to get him and his mom answered the door, my level of tolerance started to plummet.

Yeah, we had a guy like that in our department. Poor grandmother had to die, but it took her two tries. Consider He'd wrangle a day off with pay any way he could.
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12-10-2016, 01:21 PM (This post was last modified: 12-10-2016 01:30 PM by bemore.)
RE: Tales of fucktard co-workers
I work in a small team of 7 people answering emails (although you wouldn't believe it reading my lazy grammar here)

We have a structered SLA (service level agreement) which basically, and logically, means working on the oldest emails in the queue first.

One of my colleagues is always staring into space, chatting shit and looking at his phone. For a few weeks I wondered how the fuck he was hitting his targets everyday and sometimes ending up with more than me.

So I decided to do some investigating and eventually discovered that whilst everybody was working at the back of the queue, he was working at the front. Cherry picking the really easy emails and spamming all of the spam emails.

When you spam an email, you put it into your name, click spam and it closes that particular case. Closing a case gives you +1 to your target.

So for the last two days I have loaded the programme we use into two browsers. One browser is at the front of the queue and the second browser is at the back and I alternate between the two throughout the day. When spam appears I just spam it, without putting it in anybodies name. When easy emails appear I just put them in my name so they disappear from the list and then the next day I just put them back in the queue where they end up in the middle or towards the back.

I could easily grass him up to my boss but that aint how I roll and grassing doesn't always bring the results one may expect. My method is a lot more entertaining.

Joe didn't hit his target yesterday or today Drinking Beverage

I feel so much, and yet I feel nothing.
I am a rock, I am the sky, the birds and the trees and everything beyond.
I am the wind, in the fields in which I roar. I am the water, in which I drown.
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