Teen shit? Maybe, I don't fucking know...
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11-06-2013, 12:26 AM
Sad Teen shit? Maybe, I don't fucking know...
Ever get the feeling that you aren't the person you hoped you would be by this time? Like you promised yourself that you wouldn't become somebody that caused the pain of others? I'll be honest with you guys, you deserve it. I can't stand myself. I feel like I could be so SO much more, but I'm not. I feel like if I had only been more on task, more focused, I could have made a huge difference in the world, ya know?

I feel that if I was just a bit better, just a bit more handsomer, just a bit more caring, just had a little more time, just had a bit more inclination, I could have saved those around me from the pain that they are experiencing. If only I was JUST a bit more nicer, and caring, I could have at least saved some people. It has been one of those reflective nights where I look back at my life and realize what a complete asshole I was to all those around me. I try to be a nicer person than I was back then, but I keep getting the feeling that I am not being nice enough.

Let me tell you a story about my past.

There was this one girl called... Well, let's call her L. Well, L was always bullied in school because she was shy and a bit unattractive. Now, while I wasn't the one bullying, I always kept my distance from her, as to not get pestered by her bullies who would assume I was her friend. Everyday, she would get bullied, and everyday, I would watch it happen. At first, I didn't pay it any mind, because I wasn't the one getting hurt, and I just let it be. But, as time went on, I wanted them to stop. But, I wasn't strong, I wasn't even brave enough to tell the teacher. Even though I wanted to help, I couldn't. I couldn't help a poor girl because I was too weak, and lame to do a damn thing.

Now, why does this story matter today? Well, as I logged onto my personal facebook this very morning , I heard the news that L had killed herself due to bullying. Now, imagine my face as I realize that it was because of fucking bullying that she ended her life. And, as I kept looking through the statuses, I noticed everybody saying nice things about her. Well, she certainly wouldn't get complimented this much if she was alive.I felt that if I expressed my sentiments, and complimented her, it would ring hollow in my ears and seem fake. After all, who was I, the person who didn't stop her torment, to say nice things and lament over a death I could have prevented. Who was I to do such a thing.

And now, I feel that if I just could have made the effort, could have been there, could have done so much more, she would have been alive today.

As a child, I dreamed of being the best person I can be. As of today, I'll be having nightmares of what kind of person I am.

I fucking hate myself.

-Steven.

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11-06-2013, 01:25 AM
RE: Teen shit? Maybe, I don't fucking know...
You're not alone. In fact, I have a very similar story I lived. In grade 7-9 there was a kid in the grade below me who was bullied as well. Every lunch break he would phone his mom to talk and that just provided the fuel for his bullies to tease him more. I remember walking by him with his body slumped over the pay phone in the hall (no cells then). I remember keeping my head down and looking the other way when people would harass him in the hall, not wanting to get tied into it or bullied myself (which I was on occasion by these same people). Years later, this boy chose the same thing as your school mate had, with a note. He explained that he never called his mom and he would just pretend so that he didn't have to walk in the halls during the free time. Now, all I picture of him is how he looked at the pay phone, it's burned into my mind.

This was one of the reasons I took suicide intervention and counselling. I have talked to a lot of people in person, on the phone and on the internet about their suicide choice.

The way you're feeling is kind of like a crisis, too. You have choices to make but you are seeing all the ones that make you feel like you are and perhaps leaving out some very important other ones. Things in the past can't change, and some things left are bad because of it. I am sure, had you known the future or had you known the things you know now about who you are, you would have made different choices then. Don't you think it is a good thing that you've changed to see that, now? That you aren't going to continue to be the person who turns away?

You should also realize that you are grieving for this girl, and feeling guilty is a common feeling when a person has passed away. You are a caring guy, and this just highlights that yet again. Forgiving yourself won't be a disservice to her, it would mean that you do, and did, care and that you recognize that. That's a good thing.

You're young and you have a lot of potential to be who you want to be, you just need to work at it (like others try to do) and you are already doing a great job. People don't need saving, they need kindness and some help sometimes, and that helping isn't a sole responsibility, it's shared. The fact that people are leaving the nice messages show that perhaps many others feel the same way and they just want her to know that- they want it 'out there' for her, much like you're posting your story here (but different, I know Wink ). I'm not one for leaving messages on FB walls of the deceased, but some people are and I get that.


You know in the Lion King where the monkey hits Simba and tells him to learn from the past, even though it can hurt?

You're a nice person Steven, *I* know that.
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11-06-2013, 01:37 AM
RE: Teen shit? Maybe, I don't fucking know...
I've lost someone close to me to suicide and I thought about how I could've saved them "if only I were around." But that was all the guilt I felt about still being alive and they cease to exist. It's a common feeling and it's natural for you to feel guilty. But I had to listen to the people around me that kept reminding me that it wasn't MY fault that person decided to end it.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, A2.

How you are feeling shows you have compassion for others and it shows you are more caring than you are giving yourself credit.

I agree about not commenting on the Facebook page. If you didn't talk to her often in your regular life, you shouldn't go out and pretend that you knew her more when she's gone. (I'm not saying you can NEVER come up with at least a condolence that is from the heart, but at this time, take a bit to do this reflecting.)

One of the best things you could do is post this story on a suicide prevention site that is anonymous. Bullying is a major factor in teen suicide and it's horrible that they would be so tormented in their young life that they would end it before they got into the "real world." They had a lot of potential that will never be fulfilled. People reading this real example of the impact of bullying could really hit home to another person either experiencing it or are the bullies themselves.

The biggest thing you need to remember is that you can't change the past. You can't dwell on "what you COULD have done." You have to move forward. The way you're feeling now will help you to get the courage to do more for the next bully victim and raising awareness. But it's not YOUR fault that people do the things they do.

Don't beat yourself up. Be strong. You're so kindhearted. It shows. Heart

"It was life, often unsatisfying, frequently cruel, usually boring, sometimes beautiful, once in awhile exhilarating." -Stephen King
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11-06-2013, 01:55 AM
RE: Teen shit? Maybe, I don't fucking know...
I wonder how many people I could have... Changed, saved, helped, etc. God, it kills me knowing that maybe I could have done something, anything to make their life better.

I just feel useless.

And I know that I shouldn't, but I can't help but think that I could have changed things, for the better.

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11-06-2013, 02:12 AM
RE: Teen shit? Maybe, I don't fucking know...
The age 13-15 is often regarded as the worst years in peoples lifes. The complete lack of humanity these creatures have for each other, the fact that they do anything for cheap laughs. I still can't stand most people at that age. You were trying to survive the purest form of the wild west Steve. I don't blame you and you should not blame yourself. Feel sorry for the bullies. If someone is feeling guilt now, it's them.
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11-06-2013, 05:26 AM
RE: Teen shit? Maybe, I don't fucking know...
Steven, we don't expect a young teen to regularly make hard choices or even to recognize them. It would have required unusual (for a young teen) courage to intervene in that situation.
You displayed better-than-many moral sense to recognize what was happening, but you are punishing yourself for not having extraordinary courage.

We all miss opportunities, fail to act, live to regret. You have not failed morally, you have grown.

The next time you recognize the morality of intervention, these memories will guide you and they will stand up as courage.

Take heart.

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Science is not a subject, but a method.
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11-06-2013, 06:18 AM
RE: Teen shit? Maybe, I don't fucking know...
It's all part of finding out who you are. It is a life changing event in your life. And, yes, it's your first little brush with grieving, although it is diluted with guilt and you were not intimate with her. But yes, you are grieving.

Guilt is not a good thing. Best antidote: make a plan as to what you will do next time you encounter the situation (bullying in this case). A realistic plan - like who will you talk to. Personally I think you need to bypass lower employees at school and go straight to the top to try to stop bullying.

The death of a peer is always a significant event, you relate a lot better than if grandma dies, even if you were not close to that peer. It's your first brush with death passing by close to you. It makes you feel lost and powerless.

Quite a few people find peace in their grief by springing into action and trying to prevent further deaths by the same cause. If you feel that ambitious, go talk to your school's director and see of they can't arrange for a police man or some councilor to come in and speak to the kids about bullying.

In any case, combat the guilt with planning for possible future events and perhaps immediate action, if that's what you feel you are up to. Everyone is different, don't worry about what you "are supposed to" feel.

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11-06-2013, 07:17 AM
RE: Teen shit? Maybe, I don't fucking know...
Crap Steven, that really sucks.

Kids at that age can be so merciless, you are right that once the alphas have found a target they will go after anyone they think is connected to that person in some way. No one wants to be in their sights so it's a rare that someone steps in. It's sad to note that this crap was going on when I was in school decades ago...obviously finding a solution isn't the priority it should be.

Dom is right...it's time for you to think about what to do when you see this kind of thing again. Sometimes all it takes is a smile and a hello to help out a person who is being bullied. And sometimes it doesn't take much to back a bully down...most of them are cowards anyway.

Your sadness over the situation shows that you have a heart and that you do care.

It's a sucky way to learn a life lesson...the best thing is to make sure you learn from it.

Where were all those people on Facebook a week ago, a month ago...ya know...why didn't they step up if they knew L was a good person and was being tormented?

Hugs to you. A

See here they are, the bruises, some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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11-06-2013, 09:06 AM (This post was last modified: 11-06-2013 10:02 AM by joben1.)
RE: Teen shit? Maybe, I don't fucking know...
Atotheatheist,

Your story is nearly exactly the same as mine except for the suicide part. The girl bullied at school for exactly the same reasons...everything. I don't know what to say...dumbfounded doesn't cover it!

However for me this was 40 years ago. During my teens and early 20's I was very argumentative, opinionated and selfish. Looking back, some of the things I did and didn't do shame me. However, I came to realize that even back then I was basically a very caring individual. This caring side came to be the dominant side of my personality. I am far more mellow and brave now. I became the guy that supports and defends the person I see as being victimised regardless of the consequences to myself. I believe that I am a far better person now, but nowhere near as good as I would like to be.
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11-06-2013, 09:40 AM
RE: Teen shit? Maybe, I don't fucking know...
(11-06-2013 12:26 AM)Atothetheist Wrote:  As a child, I dreamed of being the best person I can be. As of today, I'll be having nightmares of what kind of person I am. I fucking hate myself. -Steven.

(11-06-2013 01:55 AM)Atothetheist Wrote:  I wonder how many people I could have... Changed, saved, helped, etc. God, it kills me knowing that maybe I could have done something, anything to make their life better. I just feel useless. And I know that I shouldn't, but I can't help but think that I could have changed things, for the better.

Steven stop. You don't deserve to destroy yourself. You do care, a hell of a lot, and you don't need to change. This incident will make you stronger and braver, and your grieving shows how compassionate you are about caring. You've cared all this time, but you didn't realize it at the time of the bullying. Instead of using this incident as a reason to pummel yourself, use it to make yourself a better, caring, and more understanding person.

You've helped a lot of people. You've helped me. I cried that night I spilled my problems out to you and it helped me so much to have someone listen and tell me "Amber, please stop hurting yourself." You've always had a gentler touch than you've realized, but this was an accident. You didn't know something like could have happened, and for that reason you shouldn't feel like you have to blame yourself. If you would have known, actions speak for themselves and you would've definitely done something without hesitation. But we can't see the future.

Do not change. You don't need to. Instead of molding yourself to the happenings and feelings of this situation, let them add to you. They'll make you a stronger person on the inside and out.

(12-11-2011 08:01 AM)houseofcantor Wrote:  "Love is merely chemistry" is a deception. We are merely chemistry. Love makes us master chemists.
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