Teen shit? Maybe, I don't fucking know...
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11-06-2013, 10:03 AM
RE: Teen shit? Maybe, I don't fucking know...
I think everyone has moments in their life Steven that they reflect upon and think "What would have happened if... should I have.... could I have done more?"

The sad thing is we (as individuals) cannot help everybody, we can give what we can at that moment in time but there needs to be a balance, the same care and respect you give to others you need to give to yourself.

If you were my son I would be proud of you.

You're never going to say the things you want to say.
The things you want to change will usually stay that way
The promises you break outweigh the ones you keep.
Paint upon the wall for the hundredth time.

Jesus Jones
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11-06-2013, 02:51 PM
RE: Teen shit? Maybe, I don't fucking know...
(11-06-2013 12:26 AM)Atothetheist Wrote:  Ever get the feeling that you aren't the person you hoped you would be by this time? Like you promised yourself that you wouldn't become somebody that caused the pain of others? I'll be honest with you guys, you deserve it. I can't stand myself. I feel like I could be so SO much more, but I'm not. I feel like if I had only been more on task, more focused, I could have made a huge difference in the world, ya know?

I feel that if I was just a bit better, just a bit more handsomer, just a bit more caring, just had a little more time, just had a bit more inclination, I could have saved those around me from the pain that they are experiencing. If only I was JUST a bit more nicer, and caring, I could have at least saved some people. It has been one of those reflective nights where I look back at my life and realize what a complete asshole I was to all those around me. I try to be a nicer person than I was back then, but I keep getting the feeling that I am not being nice enough.

Let me tell you a story about my past.

There was this one girl called... Well, let's call her L. Well, L was always bullied in school because she was shy and a bit unattractive. Now, while I wasn't the one bullying, I always kept my distance from her, as to not get pestered by her bullies who would assume I was her friend. Everyday, she would get bullied, and everyday, I would watch it happen. At first, I didn't pay it any mind, because I wasn't the one getting hurt, and I just let it be. But, as time went on, I wanted them to stop. But, I wasn't strong, I wasn't even brave enough to tell the teacher. Even though I wanted to help, I couldn't. I couldn't help a poor girl because I was too weak, and lame to do a damn thing.

Now, why does this story matter today? Well, as I logged onto my personal facebook this very morning , I heard the news that L had killed herself due to bullying. Now, imagine my face as I realize that it was because of fucking bullying that she ended her life. And, as I kept looking through the statuses, I noticed everybody saying nice things about her. Well, she certainly wouldn't get complimented this much if she was alive.I felt that if I expressed my sentiments, and complimented her, it would ring hollow in my ears and seem fake. After all, who was I, the person who didn't stop her torment, to say nice things and lament over a death I could have prevented. Who was I to do such a thing.

And now, I feel that if I just could have made the effort, could have been there, could have done so much more, she would have been alive today.

As a child, I dreamed of being the best person I can be. As of today, I'll be having nightmares of what kind of person I am.

I fucking hate myself.

-Steven.

Steven,

You can't and shouldn't hate yourself. Personally, I think your a wonderful and insightful young man I'm proud to know. You didn't fail this girl. You couldn't have known she would do that.

Hug Don't hold onto the guilt -- it's not yours to shoulder. You probably couldn't have saved her. There was only so much you could have done. The people who did fail this girl were adults -- I hope your school improves because of this.

You are unique, caring and special. Don't ever forget that.


Wind's in the east, a mist coming in
Like something is brewing and about to begin
Can't put my finger on what lies in store
but I feel what's to happen has happened before...


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11-06-2013, 03:14 PM
RE: Teen shit? Maybe, I don't fucking know...
As a girl who was regularly bullied in school for being the weird ugly outcast I really feel for the girl. I'm sorry to hear that she chose to end it. Luckily I had the support system in my life to tell me it gets better. Sadly not everyone has that.

But that being said Steven, you can't beat yourself up for something like this. Like Chas said, when you're young (and I -know- you hate hearing that, but hear me out) school is a scary place to be, you were worried about what would happen to you (and honestly these days rightly so) it's also unimaginably hard to comprehend someone being pushed to that point, especially at your age when there is so much life left.

If you want to make something of this tragedy for yourself consider this.

You've now seen what can happen, and the idea is now in your head. Use this to make a difference. Start an anti-bullying campaign, or something else that might help. You are so intelligent and caring Steven. Don't let this stop you from being what you are going to be. (I think you're bound to do great things) But I'm just an ol' hobbit. Smile *hugs for you*

"People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use." Soren Kierkegaard
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11-06-2013, 03:18 PM
RE: Teen shit? Maybe, I don't fucking know...
(11-06-2013 12:26 AM)Atothetheist Wrote:  Ever get the feeling that you aren't the person you hoped you would be by this time? Like you promised yourself that you wouldn't become somebody that caused the pain of others? I'll be honest with you guys, you deserve it. I can't stand myself. I feel like I could be so SO much more, but I'm not. I feel like if I had only been more on task, more focused, I could have made a huge difference in the world, ya know?

I feel that if I was just a bit better, just a bit more handsomer, just a bit more caring, just had a little more time, just had a bit more inclination, I could have saved those around me from the pain that they are experiencing. If only I was JUST a bit more nicer, and caring, I could have at least saved some people. It has been one of those reflective nights where I look back at my life and realize what a complete asshole I was to all those around me. I try to be a nicer person than I was back then, but I keep getting the feeling that I am not being nice enough.

Let me tell you a story about my past.

There was this one girl called... Well, let's call her L. Well, L was always bullied in school because she was shy and a bit unattractive. Now, while I wasn't the one bullying, I always kept my distance from her, as to not get pestered by her bullies who would assume I was her friend. Everyday, she would get bullied, and everyday, I would watch it happen. At first, I didn't pay it any mind, because I wasn't the one getting hurt, and I just let it be. But, as time went on, I wanted them to stop. But, I wasn't strong, I wasn't even brave enough to tell the teacher. Even though I wanted to help, I couldn't. I couldn't help a poor girl because I was too weak, and lame to do a damn thing.

Now, why does this story matter today? Well, as I logged onto my personal facebook this very morning , I heard the news that L had killed herself due to bullying. Now, imagine my face as I realize that it was because of fucking bullying that she ended her life. And, as I kept looking through the statuses, I noticed everybody saying nice things about her. Well, she certainly wouldn't get complimented this much if she was alive.I felt that if I expressed my sentiments, and complimented her, it would ring hollow in my ears and seem fake. After all, who was I, the person who didn't stop her torment, to say nice things and lament over a death I could have prevented. Who was I to do such a thing.

And now, I feel that if I just could have made the effort, could have been there, could have done so much more, she would have been alive today.

As a child, I dreamed of being the best person I can be. As of today, I'll be having nightmares of what kind of person I am.

I fucking hate myself.

-Steven.

Life is an ever evolving classroom Steven. None of us have the answers to unforseen situations. We learn as we go.

This experience will be one of many throughout your life that will mold you at your core. You will tuck this into your memory bank and it will dictate how you act in a similar future event.

Reading your post I can feel your grief and guilt. I am quite sure that in the future you will not be a passive observer, you'll overcome your fears and report or confront the bullies and you'll extend your hand in friendship to that not-so- attractive, not-so-smart, not-so-popular person.

And do you know why you'll do this? Because you never again want to feel the way you are feeling now. I guarantee you will come across many other "ugly ducklings" in your life, and I guarantee that they will all be better off for having known the future you.

This is life Steven, this is how we grow to become better persons. You are well on your way.

Peace brother.

Throughout history conversions happen at the point of a sword, deconversions at the point of a pen - FC

I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's. - Mark Twain in Eruption
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11-06-2013, 03:29 PM
RE: Teen shit? Maybe, I don't fucking know...
I know it doesn't come as a comfort, but it might be that anything you might have done wouldn't have prevented the tragedy, anyway. You shouldn't blame yourself when you didn't know in the first place! It's not your fault, Ato!
You don't know me, so I hope this doesn't sound ...insincere....,but from having read many of your posts I think your one of the most wonderful, caring individuals I've ever come across! And I know for a fact that if the world was populated by more people as beautiful as you, bad things like that wouldn't happen as much! Hate yourself? No, Ato.
Good guys like you makes US all wish WE were better people! Hug
YOU are awesome Thumbsup NEVER forget that! Ever.

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11-06-2013, 05:07 PM
RE: Teen shit? Maybe, I don't fucking know...
This is hard and may become long but I hope not.

My dearest friend had a nephew who frankly had a lot going for him. His father who had died was wealthy enough that as soon as the kid came into his inheritance at 18 he could probably have spent his entire life without working. He was a little goofy, not unattractive and actually quite smart.

He had his demons. Raised in a family that routinely required the use of outhouses he had a very great fear of using them. He had trouble controlling his drug use, a fact that eventually killed him.

His uncle tried repeatedly to counsel in non judgmental ways as I did. It was not do not smoke dope, it was more like do not smoke dope in front of a cop. ****** it is only a month in juvie if you do not appear in court you will open yourself to a worse punishment.

While not exactly clear whether or not it was a drug interaction or an OD he died because of drug consumption.

I liked the kid and although his mother and sister were a bit jerky he had a lot of people around him who tried to support him as best they could. He still chose a life that was self destructive and died because of that.

The only close relative (a brother-in-law) who committed suicide was an asshole who even chose an asshole way to do so. He was also smart, very handsome and successful when he wanted to be. No one who was close to him ever did anything but try to support him. He had his demons and finally fell victim to them.

People who take their own life one way or another do so because they have something inside that pushs them in that direction. Your personal actions toward them are not causative.

It is hard to grieve for another particularly when the other is young and particularly when you feel you could have treated that other better. I would offer that those who commit suicide do it on their own. You may be sad that is a normal reaction. To find fault with yourself does yourself no good and in fact does harm.

Feel sad not guilty, that is the best you can do.
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18-06-2013, 05:07 PM
RE: Teen shit? Maybe, I don't fucking know...
Reading these post i am glad that in my country we do not have that kinda bullies here.
Some People occationally make fun of others,but thats it.

KC IS A LIAR!!!! HE PROMISED ME VANILLA CAKES AND GAVE ME STRAWBERRY CAKE Weeping
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18-06-2013, 08:38 PM (This post was last modified: 18-06-2013 08:59 PM by GirlyMan.)
RE: Teen shit? Maybe, I don't fucking know...
(11-06-2013 12:26 AM)Atothetheist Wrote:  Ever get the feeling that you aren't the person you hoped you would be by this time?

Nope. That shit's for young men.

(11-06-2013 12:26 AM)Atothetheist Wrote:  As a child, I dreamed of being the best person I can be. As of today, I'll be having nightmares of what kind of person I am. ... I fucking hate myself.

Rub some fucking dirt on it.

(11-06-2013 12:26 AM)Atothetheist Wrote:  And now, I feel that if I just could have made the effort, could have been there, could have done so much more, she would have been alive today.

Guilt is among the most counterproductive of emotions. Girly's got bigass doormen trained to keep it out of my establishment. Guilt about nothing you couldda done? Yeah, that's just teen shit.

Breathing - it's more art than science.
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22-06-2013, 05:53 AM
RE: Teen shit? Maybe, I don't fucking know...
Ato, you are a good person. You couldn't have stopped what happened. Please don't beat yourself up. The fact that you are going through the ringer on this shows that you are a sensitive and caring person who detests the cruelty that school is sometimes rife with. The good news is that life does get better after high school. I'm 48 now and can tell you there's so much good ahead for you. Remember and honor the friend who is gone, grieve her, and live the best life you can.

Godless in the Magnolia State
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