The Bible Is a Joke
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17-11-2011, 10:56 PM (This post was last modified: 17-11-2011 10:57 PM by Erxomai.)
The Bible Is a Joke
There are many threads critiquing and poking fun at the Bible, but now we have a place to tell our favorite Bible jokes. If you grew up in the church, you've heard many a sermon that had a dumb Bible joke in it.

I'll start.

Q: Why did God create Adam before Eve?

A: So Adam would have a chance to get a word in edgewise.
When is Baseball first mentioned in the Bible?

In the Big Inning.

"All that is necessary for the triumph of Calvinism is that good Atheists do nothing." ~Eric Oh My
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18-11-2011, 03:17 PM
RE: The Bible Is a Joke
It is my consideration that YHWH is the original comedian:

Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind, and said, Who is this that darkeneth counsel by words without knowledge? Gird up now thy loins like a man; for I will demand of thee, and answer thou me.

Job 38 - it seems to have taken 4500 years to get the joke; that "creation" is not the Answer, but rather the baseline for asking questions. Wink

There's another line; perhaps a hellbound preaher can recall the passage. YHWH is all pissed off at lost sheep (what else is new, huh? Big Grin) and he goes, "it never entered into my mind that you would act like this..."

That kills me... god missed something? Big Grin

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18-11-2011, 03:25 PM
RE: The Bible Is a Joke
Q: When was the first tennis match?
A: When Moses played in Pharaoh's court.

Haw....

Not my favorite joke, but the only one I can remember I heard from a pulpit. I have never forgot it. It haunts me at night. It just won't go away... please, make it go away!

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18-11-2011, 03:29 PM (This post was last modified: 18-11-2011 03:31 PM by houseofcantor.)
RE: The Bible Is a Joke
Here's another:

Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity!

...and? Big Grin

(like, why you still yapping, preacher - referring to the "fool" in Ecclesiastes who comes up with this second line - and keeps going... and going... and going. He gets there, though. The conclusion of Ecclesiastes is the conclusion. Someone once told me, If you think Ecclesiastes is a summary of all scripture, then you are a fool!

And I go, Fool, I am! Big Grin)
(18-11-2011 03:25 PM)defacto7 Wrote:  Q: When was the first tennis match?
A: When Moses played in Pharaoh's court.

Haw....

Not my favorite joke, but the only one I can remember I heard from a pulpit. I have never forgot it. It haunts me at night. It just won't go away... please, make it go away!

Someone call a Catholic! We need an exorcism, stat! Big Grin

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18-11-2011, 03:35 PM
RE: The Bible Is a Joke
Outside of the Bible being a joke, there is one good joke in the bible...

Proverbs... Better to live in the corner of an attic than with a babbling woman in a wide house.

If I'm not mistaken, I think he says it twice.... or I just skipped turning the page. Easy to do when your inundated with such deep thoughts.

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18-11-2011, 05:13 PM (This post was last modified: 18-11-2011 05:16 PM by Erxomai.)
RE: The Bible Is a Joke
(18-11-2011 03:35 PM)defacto7 Wrote:  Outside of the Bible being a joke, there is one good joke in the bible...

Proverbs... Better to live in the corner of an attic than with a babbling woman in a wide house.

If I'm not mistaken, I think he says it twice.... or I just skipped turning the page. Easy to do when your inundated with such deep thoughts.


There are two in the same chapter:

A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike;

and

Better to live on the roof than share the house with a nagging wife.



Moving to the New Testament:
When does the Bible talk about cars?

In the Book of Acts where it says the early disciples in Jerusalem were all in one Accord.

Hey-O!!!!
(18-11-2011 03:17 PM)houseofcantor Wrote:  There's another line; perhaps a hellbound preaher can recall the passage. YHWH is all pissed off at lost sheep (what else is new, huh? Big Grin) and he goes, "it never entered into my mind that you would act like this..."

That kills me... god missed something? Big Grin

I'm not sure if this is what Johnny Cantor was looking for, but I never could satisfactorily answer this even when I was a True Believer:

Exodus 32:14: And the Lord repented of the evil which he thought to do unto his people.

What? YWYH has evil thoughts? YWYH has to repent? Huh?

"All that is necessary for the triumph of Calvinism is that good Atheists do nothing." ~Eric Oh My
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18-11-2011, 05:21 PM
RE: The Bible Is a Joke
(18-11-2011 05:13 PM)Erxomai Wrote:  There are two in the same chapter:

A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike;

and

Better to live on the roof than share the house with a nagging wife.

You must be reading one of those new fangled versions from hell. The NIV and KJV are much funnier. Occasionally Phillips.

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18-11-2011, 06:44 PM
RE: The Bible Is a Joke
(18-11-2011 05:21 PM)defacto7 Wrote:  
(18-11-2011 05:13 PM)Erxomai Wrote:  There are two in the same chapter:

A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike;

and

Better to live on the roof than share the house with a nagging wife.

You must be reading one of those new fangled versions from hell. The NIV and KJV are much funnier. Occasionally Phillips.

The GNB (Good News Bible). As a kid, it had the best stick figure drawings of any book in existence.

"All that is necessary for the triumph of Calvinism is that good Atheists do nothing." ~Eric Oh My
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18-11-2011, 07:09 PM
RE: The Bible Is a Joke
(18-11-2011 06:44 PM)Erxomai Wrote:  The GNB (Good News Bible). As a kid, it had the best stick figure drawings of any book in existence.

Ahhhh... I remember that thing. Oh no, another nightmare to be exorcised of.... and it just reminded me of the 4 Spiritual Laws.... now I'm have to get drunk....

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18-11-2011, 08:10 PM
RE: The Bible Is a Joke
(18-11-2011 07:09 PM)defacto7 Wrote:  
(18-11-2011 06:44 PM)Erxomai Wrote:  The GNB (Good News Bible). As a kid, it had the best stick figure drawings of any book in existence.

Ahhhh... I remember that thing. Oh no, another nightmare to be exorcised of.... and it just reminded me of the 4 Spiritual Laws.... now I'm have to get drunk....

You just made me reach for my Adivan...
4 Spiritual Laws makes me think of the Chick Tracts. Did you ever get warped by those?

http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0001/0001_01.asp

They scared the hell out of me when I was young and more impressionable than now. But the pictures were pretty cool.

"All that is necessary for the triumph of Calvinism is that good Atheists do nothing." ~Eric Oh My
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