The Bohquanita: Life, Death, and Confusion.
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27-04-2012, 05:33 PM
The Bohquanita: Life, Death, and Confusion.
The Bohquanita

The collected stories of the great prophet known as Sly, who enlightened
us all to the grand and glorious ways of life and death.

The Slyfalsian Truth


Be warned reader, for this book shall change you for the rest of your
days. This book shall enlighten all who read it with a happiness and
warmth which shall last forever if you accept it as the truth.

The Slyfalsian Truth.

This has been translated from the savior known has Sly.

He has shown us the darkness of our ways and shall spread the light through this book.

I, merely a humble servant of he will write it, for he who has shown me the light lacks the aptitude for such a task as this.

This book shall hath no numbers for the truth can not be tainted by the presence of mere numerical devices.

(And hath School Computers be too slow for such a task as figuring out how to number pages)

And thus shall we begin with the greatest book ever written.

The Greater Truths

Lo, hath the world not treated dogs as second rate citizens and this
shall be known as a sin for the dogs possess knowledge of the world
greater than any human could comprehend. It shall never be the same if
this Truth is followed.

Treat every dog as you would treat a human and every human as you would treat a dog.

Lo, hath the world not treated all as equals, but one must help another
as if thou are subservient to the other. And this truth shall show you
the way for the correct action of such an act.

If man or dog wishes to help the other, then let them be as they wish,
for that this act is one of the holiest of all acts one can do without

Lo, hath the world known not enough suffering at the hands of the evil,
that the world has only been safe by the law of the ones in power. The
world would be at peace if only this Truth was followed

Treat others, as thou would wish to be treated.

Lo, hath the world been smeared of the sins of the insane for they hath
procreated with others who are not of their species. This is the
lowliest of any act short of murder.

Thou shall not act upon ones urges of those of another species, or upon the unwilling.

Lo, hath the world never known what actually is after death, for thou
who are dead cannot speak. This Truth shall tell of what death is.

Once one is dead, thou shall find out what life is after death, for that is a paradox.

The Lesser Truths

Life is meant to be lived for life, not for the preparation of death.

Other books shall not be burned for they have led to the creation of this one.

If one decides to dress their dog up, let the dog choose what it would like to be dressed in.

Interfere not with the natural ways of animals, for an animal is not an animal if they cannot act as one.

Respect others beliefs, for they should not shunned, for they are equal to thee.

Only proselytize those who wish to enlightened.

Make jest only of those who can withstand thou harshest words.

Live in accordance with others, unless they wish to be changed.

Idolize not those who do nothing to be deserving of idolization.

Learn all that you can for no one can take away from you your knowledge.

And there shall be more as time passes…

In the beginning there was but one
hippopotamus, and he was bored. He knew naught what to do, but then he
did find a simple ball. And joy was the hippo, as he frolicked with it,
but alas, the ball was but an inanimate object. O, was the hippo not
happy, as he wished for someone to talk to. But the yet the ball was
inanimate. So in his fury did he eat that great ball. He soon regretted
this terrible turn of fate. As he had to pass that great ball. And once
that ball was passed. One day did that ball talk to him, and oh was that
hippo surprised. As this ball was inanimate no longer. But it was not
the ball that talked, but a being upon it. That being was a miniature
version of himself. And that being wanted another of him. So the hippo
did swallow the ball again.

When the ball did pass, another being was upon it. This being was naught
a hippo, but a man. This man wished for another of its kind. The hippo
was sad at that fact, for he could not control what came out of his
rear. So the hippo did eat and pass that ball many a time, and soon the
world had been created. But still the beings had naught another of their
kind created.

So the hippo did come up with a plan and that plan was to eat the ball
with his rear, and have the ball come out of his mouth. After the deed
was done, there was another miniature version of himself. But this being
was not totally alike him for it had no part for procreation extruding
from its midsection. And did the first being upon the ball did rejoice,
for it not only was like him, but they could do other acts. The being
then did entreat the hippo to do it again. So the hippo did do it again,
but this time it was alike the man he hath created and the man also

And then this did continue for some time, and soon all he hath created
had one that was alike them. But then later did one of the ones he
created procreate. Soon did many of the others, and they had the need of
guidance. So the hippo did tell them of many a thing, of how the sun
does rise and the moon does shine. And did the wisest among the animals
were the ones to pass this down to the young of their kind. Though he
never did tell of how the world did he make, for even he did not know.
And that is how we are here, we have been, and shall forever be.

The Saints of the Slyfalsian Truth

Saint Sylvester

He is known by few names, prominently Sly. He has shown us the power of
the Slyfalsian Truth and not asked for anything in return, only to be
fed his daily dog food, table scraps, and water.

Saint Skipus the Skippity

The foremost advisor of Saint Sylvester

The Story of Saint Skipus the Skippity

One grand morning, the elderly couple that cares for Skipus decided to
take a walk along a forest path, and Skipus followed them in hope of
declaring more territory for himself and the Slyfalsian Truth. As he
followed the couple marking many a tree, did he smell the Great Bear of
the forest. The Great Bear was a fearsome beast indeed, for he led the
Cult of the Deretrees, a heresy who claimed Sly was a bear, and that he
wished the conquest of the world by bears. This was lunacy. The Great
Bear then did attack the poor couple, and they would have perished if
not for the heroic action of Saint Skipus. He then did drive the bear
away with many bites and silent barks of the dismaying nature. Saint
Skipus then gave chase to the defeated bear. When the bear did stop, he
did not stop randomly. He stopped in a grove surrounded by great bushes
of berries. He turned to face Saint Skipus, and then did many a bear
come from all directions towards Saint Skipus. Skipus did not falter for
he knew he had the power of the Slyfalsian Truth at his back. Before
they fell upon him did he call on the power of Skipping he was so well
known for. He skipped like he had never skipped before and he did make
them fall upon each other like mentally challenged owls do fly into
trees. As he faced the Great Bear he then skipped upon the great head of
the bear and the Great Bear’s head did fall into his shoulders. The
Great Bear was no more.

And that is how Skipus became known as Saint Skipus the Skippity.

Saint Mahatma the Glorious


O, how Mahatma is praised,

He who hath lived many a life,

For he is glorious,

For he saved us from strife,

He wishes not to be feared,

For he is notorious,

Among those who hate,

Those who only want what they do not deserve,

They shall not be abated,

They shall face fate,

No longer shall they persevere,

For they should be hated,

As Mahatma takes them away from this world!

Mahatma, oh he did defeat those who hated us, those who wished us to be
gone from this world. He once was one of them but he realized how he was
wrong. He told them the error of their ways, but nay they did not
listen and did they cast him away.

He came to us, who suffered at their hands. He told them of those who
only wish to be greedy, to take away what others owned. So we did raise
an army under his banner!

We marched towards those who wished only to take. And soon would we take
what was most dear to them. We prepared to fight, but nay did Mahatma
say only to wait. He raised his arms in the sky and did the lightning
not strike those who hate. They burned at the hands of the lightning,
but not all were gone. He then did again raise his hands, and all who
died from their hate did come back. They unleashed their vengeance upon
those who hate. We waited. Those who had hated, hated no more.


Saint Salvorange

The Patron Saint of Food

O, one morning did I rouse,

I did look for my breakfast,

To find naught an orange in the house,

And I sure did browse,

For my dad did eat the last,

I then did look upon a mouse,

He did stare back,

An apple did he take,

And ho, he did turn it into an orange,

Oh did I think my mind was about to break,

And I ate and I ate,

For the mouse was St. Salvorange!

The Story of St. Salvorange

O, was there was mouse who did love his food. He would try to get whatever he could, but he rarely ate it for he loved to cook.

Salvorange was looking for an orange, but lo, did he live in the north.
And the north hath no oranges on the trees. He was searching in an
orchard and the orchard had only apples upon the trees. Till he saw a
dog trapped under a fallen tree, so he did go to him. The dog could not
talk, but begged with his eyes for help. Salvorange did try to save him,
but he was just a mouse. He then did spring into action, for he hath no
choice. He galloped to the farm house, as fast as he pleased. He did
find the farmer, but his squeaks fell on deaf ears. He ran onto the
farmer’s fork and thy farmer did try to kill that poor mouse. Salvorange
did run like a tempest and the farmer, oh my, did he gave chase! They
did run like the wind and the mouse was caught, but naught did it
matter, for the farmer did find the dog. Salvorange stared as the farmer
did save they dog. Salvorange was impaled on the fork and o, did he
plead for his life.

Poor Salvorange did die, but then he saw the greatest thing in his life.
He saw the light! The light then did speak, and speak it did! It spoke
of what a magnificent mouse Salvorange was. And oh, was that mouse not
proud. Soon the voice did speak again, and it spoke of what he would be.
He would be the savior of food, the patron of cuisine, and the gourmet
of goodies! And with that did ole Salvorange do but one thing, and he
did fall into a slumber fit for a king.

Salvorange did wake, but lo, he was no longer impaled! He was in a hole, but this hole was not made of dirt, but silk it was.

For Salvorange is the Patron Saint of Food!

Saint Pooferdoodle the Indomitable

Pooferdoodle was but a mere puppy when did strife call at his door. The
Cult of the Deretrees did take his brothers and sisters away to be
slaves, in a land far away. So did Pooferdoodle did train till he was
old enough to fight for his kin. He called upon the dogs, the mice, and
all the faithful.

O, did they march a long way to see the enemies pay. They saw the great
sea, and the Mountains of Caraway. Soon did they see what they sought,
and the battle would not be a boon for the Cult.

The battle did start with much growling and hissing, as the foes did
charge. Pooferdoodle did call upon The Slyfalsian truth for the power
needed to banish those who took his kin away. And the power did flow
through him as he ripped and bit through all who stood in his way. He
met his brother mid way through the battle, but alas he was under the
sway of the heresy that day. So did Pooferdoodle not bite him upon the
leg, to only stop him from fighting, and the ploy did work. He continued
on, slaying many a heretic that day. Soon the battle was won through
sheer force of faith.

That night did the priests try, with all their might, to bring
Pooferdoodle’s brother back to the right. But the heresy had taken over
his life, and his life was, no more. Oh did Pooferdoodle mourn for his
fallen kin. He cried many a night, but then did Sly, the savior himself,
did appear in ole Poof’s dream. Sly told him to raise an army like no
other that had ever been, to take back all he had lost from the
loathsome Deretrees.

Soon did Pooferdoodle raise an army so large, that he could not command
them all without divine intervention. So Sly did send Pooferdoodle a
thousand and one, Angel of all who had been lost, because of the
terrible Deretrees. They did rally his troops to be one magnificent

As they did march, so the Deretrees form an army to extinguish the enemy
on the horizon. As the armies marched closer, so did the skies grow
darker. This day would be a dark day, for foe and friend alike.

The righteous lined up prepared for an onslaught that would be sung of
for many a generation. Then the armies did clash, and all was alive with
the loud screaming of those who had no wish to die.

And did Sly come upon Pooferdoodle once more, and he did tell him to
take a small force, round the back of the maelstrom, that was the battle
that day. As the rain did poor, the elite did follow Poof to the rear,
and they did charge straight into the leaders of the enemy. He saw his
sister, but she was not her, no more. For she was the Hated One, the
ruler of all the Deretrees, as she saw him she smiled a smile of pure
hatred and cruelty. Poof was devastated by this terrible turn of fate.
And she charged towards him with the speed of a cheetah, on pure crack
cocaine. They did crash, and the battle hath truly begun. The growling
was like thunder, and the blood like rain, as the field became a field
of crimson. As Poof fought for his life, his sister did latch upon his
throat and he felt his life eek out. Again did Sly appear and guided
Poof once again, he told him to sink his teeth into her ear. So Poof did
do that and his sister let go, for that was her Achilles heel. She did
yowl in pure agony as here thrashes did ease, and soon she was naught
but a corpse.

The sun did break from behind the clouds, and the battle was won for all
that was right. Though sadly, did poor Pooferdoodle fall to the ground.
His wounds were mortal, and there was not a thing to be done. Sly did
appear once more, and he did mend poor Poof’s soul. Poof then leaped
like a leper, and he did win that great fight for his life.

Yet, that was not all to be done that hellish day. Pooferdoodle then did
find his last remaining kin. They were not under the sway, of the
terrible hearsay. The crowds did embrace Pooferdoodle as the Indomitable
he was, and that was how the meek little pup, did become Saint
Pooferdoodle the Indomitable.

And so I have translated so far, that Sly is a dog, and he is
illiterate, so I did have to revise of the errors that have happened.

Saint Jared the Benign

O, he is the kindest among men, for he hath given his people a glorious
thing, a thing so grand it defies words that could describe it. He has
given unto us a gift so magnificent, so amazing it almost would be a
crime to not tell of it. This thing would shatter even the evilest
person’s most dastardly façade. What he gave could not be given by a
mere being. He gave unto us the Oreo of Unimaginable Deliciousness.

This Oreo is so edible few could resist its wily charm. This Oreo knows
not of what we want, for it has all it could ever need to sway us into
eating it. This Oreo is never fully digested for it is of the divine
nature. This Oreo can communicate, but only with those it deems worthy
of such an honor. This Oreo is the first and last, the beginning and
end, the darkness and the light, and the holiest and most sacrilegious
of all things. This Oreo has grandiose whims that no mere mortal can
understand. This Oreo. O, this Oreo.

This Oreo was given unto us by Jared. For Jared is the most benign being there is.

The Book of Saint Sylvester

Oh much has happened in the times that have passed, that all that could
be done, has been done so far. Lo, do not be frightened for there is
still more to be said. So I shall tell of a time when dogs were not
dogs, but equals.

Once the world had been created did all rejoice, for all that they
needed was theirs. Yet, as time did pass they all wanted more. They had
all they needed. Yet they wanted more. So they did invent fighting,
warfare, and deception. As time did pass they created things that could
destroy whole cities in a blink of an eye, and people began to fear one
another irrationally.

Sly knew this process had to be stopped. He preached for a new world
peace. Yet no one listened to him, for he was dog. Then one day did a
miracle not happen! He stared into the eyes of his master, and lo and
behold did the master stare back. Sly knew that all he had learned would
be told to the world.

This is The Book of Sly!

On the first day Sly did tell his newfound Translator of his great new
thing, The Slyfalsian Truth. The Translator told all that he knew, and
that he trusted, for he had to tell of this. There was no choice but do
it, for the world was flailing along the path to wickedness. The
wickedness had to be stopped.

On the second day the Translator continued to tell of all that needed to
be known. Sadly the world was not ready for such a thing as this, and
he choose to wait.

And it came to pass that one day the Translator struck up an ingenious
idea. He would write of what he had learned. The Bohquanita was born.

And now will the book of Sly truly begin.

In a time before dogs, Sly preached to the masses, of a better world, a
world where hate is only for those who have not chosen to be better
beings. And the crowds did listen, and all were moved at this idea. So
they did follow him, and tell all that they knew of this great new way
of life. Not all were happy at this fact for they tried to stop Sly and
all that followed his teachings. They oppressed them, forcing them to be
servants, to have to come when they were told, to beg for treats. This
made his followers into something hideous at the time, a being known as a
dog. Many of those who oppressed turned these things into pets. Alas,
not all who took them as pets were cruel and evil, some were kind, and
allowed them to be free of the leash, and of the beatings that they
received from others. These beings protected them from the evil ones,
but this would lead to terrible things.

A great war broke out, the ones who protected the dogs fought valiantly
and won many a battle. A day did come to pass were the final showdown
was set. That day Sly spoke to the kind ones, telling them he and his
beliefs supported them. The men and dogs were inspired by this and they
did prepare for a glorious victory or an honorable death.

The battle began with arrows whistling through the air, waves of
soldiers fell before their onslaught. The evil ones charged like a pack
of angry sea cows, and then there was a battle. The screams of the
fallen filled the air with a deathly shriek. Soon, the evil ones gained
an advantage. The kind ones feared for their life and began to rout.

Lightning bolts struck out of the sky, decimating the evil ones. The
evil ones began to fight like cornered rats, snarling and biting their
enemies. The battle was won!

The kind ones were shattered from this battle. Those few that still
stood had wounds so grievous they soon fell to the ground and quickly
bled to death. Sly had also taken many gashes upon his body, and was
taken to the healer of The Mountain of Thunder. They healer tried to
save his life, but this was an impossible task. Sly then spoke the

He would return!

The Book of Realizations

“I am Beta and Psi, the left and the right, I was here and there but I have never moved. I was dead but then alive for I am Sly”

“I am Sly, dog of dogs! Look on my works, ye faithful, and rejoice! I
shall tell you of the end times, of when this world shall perish. This
world shall expire on the day of the reckoning, when all that has been
made shall be no more. Then, all the faithful will be sent to a paradise
like no other!”

“On this day, the hippo will not swallow the world, for he shall be sick
of his creation. For his creation has turned to dark ways, ways of
deceit and murder! And on this day, the alligator shall swallow the
world whole. This world shall be pitched into a maelstrom of fear and
death, for all of those who have sinned will receive their retribution!”

“On this day, the world shall bear witness to a war to end all wars. A
war between what is right and what is wrong. A war for peace shall
happen! A war where only those who have repented shall fight for the
light! A war to purge the earth from the sinners who are abound on this
planet! A war, led by the Saints, there will be Saint Pooferdoodle,
Saint Skipus, Saint Mahatma, Saint Salvorange, and the greatest of all,
Saint Sylvester! This war will be fought for all who have died from the
misdeeds of the sinners, for all who have been swayed by evil heresies,
for all who have lived a life of hardship and desperation at the hands
of those we fight, and those who will come when this is all done.”

“O, on this day! The world shall be made anew from the inferno of war!
This inferno will engulf the world over, setting alight a blaze that is
impossible to extinguish! Only through the glorious sacrifice of many a
life shall this world be retaken! When this fight does end, for this
fight will end, the world will be for the newly faithful.”

“They must rebuild this world from the ashes it has become, a world
where life is scarce! A world where pain is rampant, where disease is
dominant, for only those who are true to the faith shall inherit this
new earth!”

“Then the hippo will swallow the earth once again, for it has been cleansed of the scourge that was upon it.”

“I am Beta and Psi, the left and the right, I was here and there but I
have never moved, I was dead but then alive for I am Sly!”

The Book of Governance

Lo, this world has never seen a good system of leadership, but Sly does
know of one. This book shall lend you his knowledge of how to rule a
place effectively.

There will be a system where three people who are experts on a subject
shall rule on what to do with that section. There will be doctors,
lawyers, economists, diplomats, and whatever else your country would
need. They will be elected by their peers to rule in the way that is
most fair.

In this system there will not be lobbyists or special interest groups.
It will strive to become as fair as possible without sacrificing

There will be a meeting of all the experts in the country each year to
elect the three from each section. There will be no interference from
the outside as they will locked in until they all decide.

In the event that the people need something they will send an emissary
forth to meet with the officials that would pertain with their certain

For choosing those who can vote, a person who has attained a mastery of
their subject will be one who is eligible to vote. To attain mastery
there will be a test given orally by the ones already on the council.

This ruling body will be secular, not a theocracy as those are just not intelligent to have.

I have re-posted this in a new thread, in one compact, massive block of text for easier reading.

Praise be Sly!

(Attention whoring at its max)

Under Repair.
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27-04-2012, 07:23 PM
RE: The Bohquanita: Life, Death, and Confusion.
(27-04-2012 05:33 PM)itsacow Wrote:  massive block of text for easier reading.
Something about that statement doesn't seem quite right................

Twice the anger, Half the space!
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