The Depression/Anxiety Thread
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17-07-2012, 06:36 PM
RE: The Depression/Anxiety Thread
For me, I know that at my lowest points, my "something" was always greed. Pure greed. Well, greed with some jealousy mixed in, and a hint of anger.

I could never quite get over the idea that there would be things that are good, that I would miss out on. Chances are I'll die without having done the majority of "bucket list" things, and these days I'm even ok with that. The list changes, and grows, allowing things that are accomplish-able and moving those harder to reach things down the line.

If you cant look at the world, and all of the things in it, including those things we can't reach, and see something you'd like to either experience or watch, then you aren't looking in the right places. I'm all for people offing themselves when they feel as though there is absolutely nothing in life they could ever want to enjoy. After all we have a population problem. But man, it's going to be years and years before I could run out of things to want to experience. And that would only be if I was actually going down the list and doing some of these things.

I found that a bunch of my depression (which still occurs all the time, and can get quite heavy) is easily derailed by drive. Just having a goal, and hunkering down to achieve it. A word of warning though. Depression can creep right back in when a goal becomes rather unreachable. The last thing I learned here was to not focus only on achieving the goal, but the whole trip.

Depression isn't really something to fuck around with or take lightly which a lot of people who don't suffer from depression seem not to understand, but it's not something to delve right into without learning how to step back from it even when it grabs you hard. If you do it will only consistently triple the well inside. Every effort to climb out will constantly be met with a complete unwillingness to try. The immediate rage quit. Everything feels way too hard. Step back. There must still be at least one thing that perks you up immensely. For me it can be something awesome like snuggling a kitten, or laying out at night (when it isn't cloudy and rainy) and looking at the stars because they are fucking amazing.

Find the thing and be all about it for long enough that your brain shuts it's dirty mouth and let's you think.

"I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments." -Jim Morrison
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17-07-2012, 06:54 PM (This post was last modified: 17-07-2012 07:02 PM by GirlyMan.)
RE: The Depression/Anxiety Thread
(17-07-2012 05:16 PM)ShirubaDangan Wrote:  The worst thing about suicide I how it drains your happiness, your hopes and dreams and replaces them with sadness, agony and despair. As I continue to go through with it I have something preventing me from doing so. Telling me I can live. It's surprising that even in my deepest sadness I have something standing against it.

Like a chihuahua trying to fight a pitbull despite it losing its still there.

Chihuahua just needs to go straight for the pitbull's balls. Been there many times myself, especially in my late teens and early 20's when I was first formulating my particularly nihilistic world view. Not gonna try to talk you out of it, not only would it be patronizing, I respect it as the only truly inalienable right we have. I'm also of the opinion that if you haven't seriously considered suicide then you can't fully appreciate what it means to live or how to properly live it by sucking the marrow out of every fucking moment of existence. I'm just gonna make two suggestions.

First off, fuck the gun. It's messy and inconsiderate. Get yourself some nitrogen gas and set up a proper exit bag. The body does not recognize hypoxia with inert gases like nitrogen and helium. 12-15 seconds later you're unconscious and a couple minutes later you're gone. No pain, no mess, no nothing. And nitrogen asphyxiation is undetectable in an autopsy in the event you have life insurance with a suicide clause. They use nitrogen gas for paintball guns so it should be easy to find in any sporting goods store. This will accomplish two things. First the mere act of researching and constructing your own exit bag will give you a temporary purpose in life. The second thing it does is to empower you with the knowledge you have a clean, undetectable (assuming you got someone available to remove the bag) and painless way to go out at hand any time you damn well please. This sense of empowerment and assurance can actually save and extend your life. It has mine so far. I can checkout anytime I like, today I just don't like. One day I will use it, though. I'm too much of pussy to go out in pain from natural causes. ... Well barring an accident, cerebral aneurysm or myocardial infarction I guess.

My second suggestion is to DANCE! Big Grin





Tell me that didn't give you a smile.

Safe passage ShirubaDangan, whichever corridor you choose to go down.

There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide. -Camus
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17-07-2012, 07:06 PM
RE: The Depression/Anxiety Thread
(17-07-2012 06:54 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(17-07-2012 05:16 PM)ShirubaDangan Wrote:  The worst thing about suicide I how it drains your happiness, your hopes and dreams and replaces them with sadness, agony and despair. As I continue to go through with it I have something preventing me from doing so. Telling me I can live. It's surprising that even in my deepest sadness I have something standing against it.

Like a chihuahua trying to fight a pitbull despite it losing its still there.

Chihuahua just needs to go straight for the pitbull's balls. Been there many times myself, especially in my late teens and early 20's when I was first formulating my particularly nihilistic world view. Not gonna try to talk you out of it, not only would it be patronizing, I respect it as the only truly inalienable right we have. I'm also of the opinion that if you haven't seriously considered suicide then you can't fully appreciate what it means to live or how to properly live it by sucking the marrow out of every fucking moment of existence. I'm just gonna make two suggestions.

First off, fuck the gun. It's messy and inconsiderate. Get yourself some nitrogen gas and set up a proper exit bag. The body does not recognize hypoxia with inert gases like nitrogen and helium. 12-15 seconds later you're unconscious and a couple minutes later you're gone. No pain, no mess, no nothing. And nitrogen asphyxiation is undetectable in an autopsy in the event you have life insurance with a suicide clause. They use nitrogen gas for paintball guns so it should be easy to find in any sporting goods store. This will accomplish two things. First the mere act of researching and constructing your own exit bag will give you a temporary purpose in life. The second thing it does is to empower you with the knowledge you have a clean, undetectable (assuming you got someone available to remove the bag) and painless way to go out at hand any time you damn well please. This sense of empowerment and assurance can actually save and extend your life. It has mine so far. I can checkout anytime I like, today I just don't like. One day I will use it, though. I'm too much of pussy to go out in pain from natural causes. ... Well barring an accident, cerebral aneurysm or myocardial infarction I guess.

My second suggestion is to DANCE! Big Grin





Tell me that didn't give you a smile.

Safe passage ShirubaDangan, whichever corridor you choose to go down.
That's an awesome vid Thumbsup

I love the way he did it in zero gravity Shocking

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17-07-2012, 07:32 PM
RE: The Depression/Anxiety Thread
I want to live but I don't want to go a way where I don't feel it. Shooting myself in the chest bring me peace knowing and telling others that it was what killed me. Also with a .44 magnum it will awake the whole neighborhood when it ever occurs.

I just am not sure.

I guess what troubled me the most is losing someone I loved to someone else. It broke the last straw I had. A straw itself that didn't support me enough to begin with. I want to do it. I desperately want it but its the fact she constantly tells me she needs me when I constantly reply she has someone. I've been alone for a long damn time. I'm tired of looking and a gun is a friend that will at least give me happiness. I'm just lost I guess. I have also contemplated setting myself on fire or using a buzzsaw I have in the backyard to commit the act. Just for the hell of it.

"Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind." -John F Kennedy

The way to see by Faith is to shut the eye of Reason.” -Benjamin Franklin

It has been a long time. How have you been?
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17-07-2012, 08:10 PM
RE: The Depression/Anxiety Thread
(17-07-2012 07:32 PM)ShirubaDangan Wrote:  I want to live but I don't want to go a way where I don't feel it. Shooting myself in the chest bring me peace knowing and telling others that it was what killed me. Also with a .44 magnum it will awake the whole neighborhood when it ever occurs.

What the fuck's the point of that? It reminds me of an anecdote about an aspiring author I read about in my youth. He was having difficulty getting any attention from publishers for his book. So he offed himself in order to gain attention for his book. It had the desired effect in that publishers took a second look at his book. It was still deemed not worth a shit.

(17-07-2012 07:32 PM)ShirubaDangan Wrote:  I guess what troubled me the most is losing someone I loved to someone else. It broke the last straw I had.

You need to find straws which don't depend on others. Ain't saying it's easy, but it can be done. Hell, I'm still here.

(17-07-2012 07:32 PM)ShirubaDangan Wrote:  I'm just lost I guess. I have also contemplated setting myself on fire or using a buzzsaw I have in the backyard to commit the act. Just for the hell of it.

Yeah, you are lost. That just sounds masochistic.

There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide. -Camus
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17-07-2012, 08:12 PM
RE: The Depression/Anxiety Thread
I think you've got to be a Buddhist monk to be allowed to light yourself on fire. A buzz saw just sounds too iffy and way too messy. If you just want to wake the neighbors, forget the gun and go down to the nearest Indian Rez and get yourself some mortars and M-80s. It's way more fun to blow shit up when you're around to watch it.

I've been wanting to buy a gun for probably 10 or 15 years, but I refuse to do so because I don't want to have it on the shelf when The Darkness sweeps over me, which happens from time to time. You seriously need to get it out of your house for now. Ask a friend to store it for you. There really is no reason for you to have it nearby right now. As long as you're still checking in with us and as long as that Chihuahua is still yapping away in your head, you have no business keeping a gun. Sorry, Bro...gotta drop some truth on you. It's up to you what to do about it.

It was just a fucking apple man, we're sorry okay? Please stop the madness Laugh out load
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17-07-2012, 08:28 PM
RE: The Depression/Anxiety Thread
Shiruba,
First I would suggest some professional help...be it counseling, meds, or a combination. You said you are diabetic so I assume you have a medical care professional. My regular doc has been a life-saver...literally for me. She listens and we have tried different meds to get me back on track...come to think of it, I haven't even taken them lately.

Find something to redirect your thoughts. Is there a hobby or something that you really used to enjoy that you haven't done lately? If so, make yourself do it again. I have taken up sewing again and I am loving it...clears my mind and I am making cool stuff for my grandkids. So there is that bonus beyond the relaxation of it and the sense of accomplishment.

Get some comedy going...CDs of your favorite standups, movies, books...whatever.

Turn on some music you haven't listened to in a long time, turn it up loud and sing along...even if you sing as badly as I do.

Get that broken record to stop skipping in your head.

Find what speaks to you or used to speak to you and do it! And I don't mean planning how your are going to off yourself. It seems you have come up with enough scenarios for that.

If you aren't taking care of your condition and your blood sugar is whacked...maybe that's not helping things either.

Losing someone you love to someone else is a bitch. It freaking sucks...not many of us escape that in our lifetime.

Come on, you are keeping up contact, somewhere in there is a will to live.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat
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17-07-2012, 09:17 PM
RE: The Depression/Anxiety Thread
I was joking about the buzzsaw I just meant I was so crazed I just needed it to end. Setting yourself on fire typist destroys your nerve endings so you don't feel pain once its gone and it allows people to die without showing much pain.

I'm just not sure. I want to do it I just can't. Feel sick and tired. Just looking for answers. I'll keep the gun as I like the option there. Professionals haven't given me anything that has worked. Therapists just feel like I'm talking and that's it. Medicine just doesn't do anything.

I hate losing someone its frying my brain.

I'm not doing it as a publicity stunt I'm just saying it'll probably be loud.

"Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind." -John F Kennedy

The way to see by Faith is to shut the eye of Reason.” -Benjamin Franklin

It has been a long time. How have you been?
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17-07-2012, 09:20 PM
RE: The Depression/Anxiety Thread
Ive planned my suicide a couple of times...... gone to lengths like you Shuriba with writing individual notes to my loved ones, packing my belongings away, writing a will of who can have my measly possessions, leaving my bank card and my pin number.... even down to what music I want playing at my funeral.

Although we dont want to die (the fact we are still here is enough evidence) it feels like the only way that will stop the pain.

If you do kill yourself Shuriba I imagine a lot of people will miss you, might not feel that way but people will. As they read your suicide note there will be nothing they can do about it with you being dead....... HOWEVER if they were to read your suicide note with you still alive (caus for me the note wasnt just about saying goodbye, it was explaining to people how I felt.... something that I just didnt have the tools to do at the time) then you will be surprised at how supportive people will be.

You feel nothing you say...... Sounds like your in what I call "The dead zone"....... which is a state where you have felt enough pain that you sort of just go into robotic mode. You feel nothing but cold hearted logic and the more you feed this "void" the bigger it becomes.

I suggest you go out if you can..... find somewhere secluded and just fucking run as fast and as far as you can, push through the pain and keep going till you cant breath, got stitch.......... get your body rushing and feel something...... if it makes you angry then fucking roar..... if it makes you sad then weep.

Also for me looking into suicide I also found that a lot of people who tried.... but failed.... about 90% of them all said they glad that it didnt work.

For me the hardest thing is going for help..... I dont want to be a burden on anybody and in my negative thinking I think it would be just like admitting how pathetic I am and that I wouldnt be worthy of the help....... that theres no one out there that can understand me, what ive been through and what im going through. The thing is only I keep telling myself this and the more I tell myself the more I believe it seeing as I can be my own worst enemy. Thing is though I have in the past took the plunge and asked people for help..... and there is a lot of it out there...... maybe its worth a go asking for help. You have after all nothing to lose if you are still adamant on killing yourself.

I feel so much, and yet I feel nothing.
I am a rock, I am the sky, the birds and the trees and everything beyond.
I am the wind, in the fields in which I roar. I am the water, in which I drown.
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17-07-2012, 11:06 PM
RE: The Depression/Anxiety Thread
Dear Shiruba,

Let me be the one person to point out to you that if you commit suicide, it will be the most selfish act that any one person is capable of. Why is it selfish? because it serves no one but yourself. Think of the most tiny spark of life from the beginning of life on this planet culminating throughout billions of years, evolving through countless lifeforms over the seemingly endless generations that it took to create... you. Think of the struggles, the hardships, the sheer miracle it is that life even exists and the role that you'd play in this process is stopping it from ever occurring again from the branch that made you exist. Any role you play in this life cycle is always relevant if it has but a modicum of affect on anyone or anything else that strives to live. Your life has been a billion year genetic success and yet you would choose to piss it all down a pipe of selfish speciousness. Live man. Fucking fight for it because it is life itself that deserves to be preserved as it has no other place that we know of in the universe. Think about that for a sec, no other place in the vast span of time and space that we know of but here, RIGHT HERE, and you would choose to kill it off? Conceive of this thing that we all share that is so special and so utterly rare that it should never be taken so lightly as to end in an act of self desecration.

Sincerely, -GK
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