The Depression/Anxiety Thread

[Leela]

I read half of this thread this morning at work but I didn't dare and write about my mental issues at work...


Novel coming > I you don't like to read much, skip this post

Here we go:


Right now I am fine. I am fine most of the time lately.
I would like to share a bit of my way out of depression and a few tips that I got along the way - and the way was long.

When I was 21 I went to the doctor after work one day because I felt
really weak and kinda shaky. My boss at the time was bullying me and I
just wanted a day off of that boss. When the doctor asked me what's
wrong I just started crying and said I can't go back there. He gave me
the rest of the week off and told me to call my area manager to get to
work somewhere else.
I had been sick a lot. I say this: 54 days sick home in one year. And I
really only go home when I absolutely can't work anymore.

So I got to work in another place, and it was really nice, really! The boss and the whole team was great.
But the day came when I felt weird and shaky again, in the morning at
work and asked my boss if we could talk, just for a moment.
So we sat down in another room and I just wanted to tell her that I don't feel good and if I could go home but I had a mental break down. She (my boss) told me "yes, I saw that coming, you didn't look so good for some time"
She sent me to the doctor that day.
My doctor gave me a note and sent me to the hospital for a quick check up, he was really worried.

At the hospital I got like 16 pages with questions:

How do you feel right now?
Are you often sad?
Are you easily scared?
Do you have dark thoughts a lot?
Did you ever think about suicide?
Did you think about suicide during the last week?
Are you in a relationship?
Are you living alone?
Do you like your job?
and so on and so on...

The doctor there talked to me for a bit, went through some of the questions, looked me in the eye:
"Do you want to die?"
"I don't care"
"I am really worried about you, I would like to keep you here"
"I can't, I have pets at home"
"Do you think I can let you go home?"
"I guess"
"And you won't jump in front of the next train? You have to promise me"
"If I would like to do that, I would have done it already" (I lied, I wanted to do it, I just hadn't done it, yet)

She let me go but she put me in a 6 week therapy programme at the hospital.
I would spend the day there and only sleep at home.

Now, the therapies there didn't help me really. But I had tons of time
to think, and to write and paint. Writing and painting was my way to
release everything, and showing my written things to others.

Once my therapist there gave me homework. I had to draw a lifeline of ups
and downs, from birth until that time. So then I could finally pinpoint
when I started getting depressed (in my childhood already actually) and
why and what the triggers where and so on, this helped me working on myself.
Noone who talked to me, no friends, therapists, brother, noone could help me, I had to figure myself.

At this point I used meditation. It was easier to work on all the crap with a calm, empty mind. And it worked better and better.
I refused medication because the two times I tried it, I hated it.
When I was done with all my downs (the ones in my chart) all that was left in me was a feeling of carelessness and dumbness.

At this time I got two really good "ressources"
I had left therapy and the group "packed" me a suitcase. they painted a big suitcase and everyone painted something in that they wanted for me.
This was something really sweet, I had it on my wall for a long time and I would always have a look at it when I felt weird.
The second thing was, I made myself little postits with things I like and am good at. Just one or two word per post it and I put them all on my cupboard. Everything positve was allowed. So here a few "happy and sunny" (my cats), "guitar", "inline skating", "sunshine", "baking", "cocoa" ....
And it sounds weird but looking at the amount of postits there, all positive things actually helped me, too. I would just add one when I found something new.

Now I said "ressources", that is something I learnt at the hospital. That is what they focussed on in their program,
They said that every person needs a few ressources and needs to learn identify when they start getting depressed (this is what every patient there had in common).
And you would actually have a little bag or so where you put actual things in. Some people would like nice smells, so they would try to get essence. Some would like to feel something soft and they got a feather. etc... I never made myself something like that, how would I carry my guitar around all the time? But this might help others, a pack of ressources, kind of a first-aid-kit for depression.

Another thing that helps, is cruelly facing the trauma, because often it is one or more traumata that are the problem. This is really ugly and afterwards you feel exhausted.
Now at this point I would of course like to recommend to only do this with experienced people or people who know you very well. I did this with a friend back then. He had a bad trauma and I made him face the worst moments, make him go through it step by step, freeze moment by moment so he could realize that what happened couldn't have happened any different way. (He had to shoot someone when he was a cop)
He got much better after that, so I guess if you do that with an actual professional, it would help even better.

So I guess for starters you really have to find out what triggers your depression/anxiety so you can act upon. Either avoid the trigger (example scared of dogs) or do a confrontation to learn deal with it (example if you are scared of riding the bus).

sorry for wall of text, I hope there is some useful stuff in it.

[NicoleIntrovert]

Hey folks. New around here... but have been active on TTA FB page for a bit over a year now. Saw this thread and had to jump in. I've been an anxious person my entire life. Some of the triggers are known and some are not (or they are coming out of nowhere). For some reason my anxiety has been flaring up for the past few months like crazy.

I have this overwhelming feeling of dread. No idea what is going to happen or why. Just dread. That is all I can explain.

Trying to figure out how to work this out at the moment. I'm 31 years old and this started with separation anxiety as a baby and it has snowballed. I have times where it is close to non-existent and then times where it is just overwhelming.

*sigh*

Hoping just to talk it out a bit here.

[Carlo_The_Bugsmasher_Driver]

The 1940s and 50s were really the 'wild west' days of psychology - think Samuel Skinner, The Milgrim Experiment, etc. A lot of good work was done back then to understand the human mind and its workings but a lot of it as well is extremely controversial and probably would be considered unethical by today's standards.

ECT had been developed earlier as a treatment for depression as well as schizophrenia but unfortunately has been over used and abused be psychiatrists of that era. That being said, judging by all the medical research done on the subject of ECT, it really does seem to work. An overwhelming number of patients suffering from depression who had Grand Mal Seizures recovered from these depressive episodes. And the best way to induce a Gran Mal Seizure is to apply a small electric current through the cerebral hemispheres of the brain. ECT works on this principle. But it was often misused under atrocious conditions and there has always been an association between ECT and malevolent uses of electricity such as torture or the electric chair. These days, ECT is still used, but in a very controlled way and only for patients with suicidal tendancies where they are not responding to drugs. The patient is anesthetized prior to the shock and muscle relaxants are administered to eliminate the convulsions during the procedure. The current is very low and no physical damage occurs during the procedure.

(21-04-2012 11:21 AM)Erxomai Wrote:  I find it fascinating that back in the 50s, ECT (Ectro-Convulsive Therapy) was a popular treatment. But it seems as time went on, it became associated with barbaric techniques like leeches and blood letting. (See the "Shock Shop" in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest for a good example). Now, it seems to have come back in vogue as a viable treatment for depression.

[Erxomai]

(24-04-2012 05:52 PM)NicoleIntrovert Wrote:  Hey folks. New around here... but have been active on TTA FB page for a bit over a year now. Saw this thread and had to jump in. I've been an anxious person my entire life. Some of the triggers are known and some are not (or they are coming out of nowhere). For some reason my anxiety has been flaring up for the past few months like crazy.

I have this overwhelming feeling of dread. No idea what is going to happen or why. Just dread. That is all I can explain.

Trying to figure out how to work this out at the moment. I'm 31 years old and this started with separation anxiety as a baby and it has snowballed. I have times where it is close to non-existent and then times where it is just overwhelming.

*sigh*

Hoping just to talk it out a bit here.

Hey Nicole, glad to have you with us. A fellow sojourner in the quest to find emotional balance.

I've only recently been learning about how pervasive anxiety has been throughout my entire life. I had always thought of myself as often depressed, but in general, laid back and mellow. But as my depression began to get under control through meds, I discovered how much of the pain that I was feeling was that caused by anxiety. Apparently I'm not as laid back as I thought I was and through therapy can see many, many times in my life that I was impacted negatively when I let anxiety run rampant and affect my decision making. I thank Big Pharma for Lorazepam!

[Mr Woof]

(23-04-2012 10:22 PM)Bucky Ball Wrote:  

(23-04-2012 10:06 PM)Erxomai Wrote:  Bucky, there are some days that Ativan is my best friend. Or maybe it's like an American Express Card...Don't leave home without it.

Believe me, I get it. Some days, I was really desperate..and my doc doesn't like drugs. The fascinating thing is, in my case, it all just stopped. I'm trying to figure that out. I really don't get it. I was really debilitaed there for a while, and it all just went away. Now, (contrary to my previous "impatience".. and "get over it" attitude towards mental problems), I have great empathy towards those who suffer from it. Actually, this is what I think cured me ... surfing.

I was on benzodiazepines for around 35 years (valium, serepax, xanax etc )and they all are really the pits.
The lift is temporary, the essential problem probably left un- addressed, and withdrawal can be quite horrendous.As one has to work or study it is not hard to see how a roller coaster ride evolves and depression and anxiety usually go hand in hand.

Anti depressants, in the main don't present withdrawal symptoms but the selective serotonin uptake inhibitors are all slightly different and you need to find the right one , if any ,that works. As for ECT, as has been pointed out ,it was pretty barbaric in the 50s. Now it is all performed with an anaesthetic; I haven't tried it but believe it can leave a nasty headache.

A few years ago I wrote a largely anecdotal book on depression, based on cognitive therapy, as opposed to drugs and using positive acronyms to alter habitual thought patterns. My belief was that negative thoughts inhibited the creation of good feel chemicals such as norepinephrine and serotonin and that pharmaceutical drug taking might be a rather ad hoc method. I had limited success, while going through benzo withdrawal, and now feel that an anti depressant is probably a handy adjunct.

The positive acronyms; I still use number over 200, and anyone can make them up focused on major personal problems,
For example BIC....blame is counterproductive....HATS....have a thick skin....LAS ....laugh at self...... NOW?.....nervy over what? There is no end to the possible combinations. I am presently also doing a type of Buddhist meditation.

One thing I have found is that depression is a passing thing (for me) it better be...DIAPT.

[GirlyMan]

(14-05-2012 12:19 AM)Mr Woof Wrote:  One thing I have found is that depression is a passing thing (for me) it better be...DIAPT.

Yup. In my case I know from 30+ years experience that it's just a neurochemical storm that'll pass. What clued me in is that the Docs kept fuckin' with my neurochemistry pharmaceutically. Hell, I know how to do that myself and in a far more informed manner than they do (ain't like they got labs or nothing to inform their scrips, at least I got personal knowledge of what's worked and what didn't ). Nowadays I can usually just batten down the hatches and weather the storm. ... But always with my "go" bag next to me like Linus van Pelt and his security blanket.

[Mr Woof]

I dont know if this is going to work .

Herewith intro,re depression for a book I am writing

[Erxomai]

Woof, thanks for sharing your story. You've put words to my own thoughts. I'm glad you don't have the fortitude that allows you to still be here and be a guide along the dark path to those of us who are still trudging on behind you.

[Anjele]

Sinking a bit lately...job hunting is the worst thing ever. I freaking hate going on interviews for jobs I wouldn't even want. Even worse is that I have to smile and get through it in hopes of landing something.

Family time wasn't that great...as usual daughters create drama which I have had enough of in my life.

Health issues again. Mini trip cancelled.

Bored cause the semester is over and I don't see anything worth taking over the summer.

Just really down and need to figure out what to do to distract myself. YUCK...I hate this feeling.

[Erxomai]

(19-05-2012 09:48 AM)Anjele Wrote:  Sinking a bit lately...job hunting is the worst thing ever. I freaking hate going on interviews for jobs I wouldn't even want. Even worse is that I have to smile and get through it in hopes of landing something.

Family time wasn't that great...as usual daughters create drama which I have had enough of in my life.

Health issues again. Mini trip cancelled.

Bored cause the semester is over and I don't see anything worth taking over the summer.

Just really down and need to figure out what to do to distract myself. YUCK...I hate this feeling.

I know where you're coming from, Angie.

Except for the daughter drama.

I'd tell you to keep pressing on, but you're already doing that. Go play with your little terrorists. That's what I'm doing to make me smile.