The Devil’s Häagen-Dazs
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08-02-2016, 12:11 AM
The Devil’s Häagen-Dazs
The Devil’s Häagen-Dazs
By The Magic Wombat

Christians teach/believe that anyone who does not confess their sin and accept Jesus as their savior goes to Hell when they die, for an Eternity of Punishment.

Let’s suppose this were true, and an Atheist went to Hell. He then made his way over to the Devil and said, “I wish to appeal. If God had appeared before me personally and told me that those goat herders from 2,000 years ago were correct, I would have accepted Jesus and would be in Heaven right now.

The Devil smiled a wry grin and responded, “Nice try. But God says that he wrote the message in your heart, so and you knew it to be true. Thus, no amount of ‘proof’ would have swayed you. Now, get back in your pit of fire and start swimming again.”

The Atheist looked at the Devil and said, “Now wait a minute, are you trying to tell me that there is nothing God could have done—no amount of proof that would have convinced me?”

“That is what He claims, yes.”

The Atheist pounced, “But the fact remains that now I know it to be true, I would like to accept Jesus Christ as my savior and go to Heaven!”

The Devil looked rather puzzled. “So if God would have shown you Heaven, and Hell which has obviously swayed your belief… You would have accepted then?”

“Obviously,” the Atheist stated, “just as I am doing right now. I simply needed more proof.”

The Devil scratched his bearded chin. He mulled it over for a minute, and then motioned for an imp to bring him a phone. He pressed the single button on it, and after a few seconds said, “God, got a problem down here.”

“…”

“Oh, you were listening, right. Listen, I think this guy has a valid argument.”

“…”

“Well, I think he’s right, the fact that he accepts it now indicates he just didn’t believe that…”

“…”

“Listen, just claiming he should have done it sooner does not nullify that his reasoning and current actions pretty much proves your test for Heaven is flawed. Furthermore, I don’t know of a single tormented soul down here that wouldn’t GLADLY kneel before you and kiss your feet and weep if it would get them out of here. I really think…”

“…”

“Please don’t get upset. I don’t think the Universe will implode just because your plan has a flaw. It ran pretty well for billions of years.”

The Atheist chipped in, “I haven’t even brought up the fact that if I STILL refused to accept Him, that would be proof that I was created incapable of acting sane since only an insane person would prefer to stay here! I think that argument also has merit.”

The Devil put his hand over the microphone, “Do not push it, he is hopping mad as it is!” He uncovered the microphone again. “Listen, God, you said I had full control over the torment the dammed get, correct?” He listened for a few seconds. “OK, cool. I am turning down the heat.”

“…”

“Listen, please don’t take this personally, I just am going to turn the heat down until I sort out the people who want to be roasted for all eternity and those those who do not.”

“…”

“Well… If someone agrees you are Lord and Master and Jesus died for their sins, I don’t think I can torment them any longer. The fact they believe now, after being shown proof, indicates that your ‘written in their heart’ message was just not as foolproof as you thought it…”

At that point, thunderous rumblings could be heard coming from the speaker of the phone. The Devil, holding the phone away from his ear, shouted, “Listen, Jehovah, we go back a long way--this ain’t personal! I’ll call you in a few decades when you have calmed down a bit!”

The Devil hung up. Instantly the sea of flames that made up Hell died down, and imps and demons began letting people out of the lakes and rivers of fires, and started unstrapping them from the myriad devices of torment.

“So what now?” the Atheist queried.

“Dunno,” the Devil responded as a second imp brought up a serving tray with various treats. "But, no hurries. Want some Häagen-Dazs?”
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08-02-2016, 12:41 AM
RE: The Devil’s Häagen-Dazs
Laugh out load

Nice. Smile
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08-02-2016, 08:29 AM
RE: The Devil’s Häagen-Dazs
I had a friend whose mother would refer to all ice cream brands by Häagen-Dazs. Is it Ben and Jerry's? No, Häagen-Dazs! Friendly's ice cream.. no, Häagen-Dazs.

The devil has some interesting taste.

"Allow there to be a spectrum in all that you see" - Neil Degrasse Tyson
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08-02-2016, 09:49 AM
RE: The Devil’s Häagen-Dazs
(08-02-2016 12:11 AM)The Magic Wombat Wrote:  The Devil’s Häagen-Dazs
By The Magic Wombat

Christians teach/believe that anyone who does not confess their sin and accept Jesus as their savior goes to Hell when they die, for an Eternity of Punishment.

Let’s suppose this were true, and an Atheist went to Hell. He then made his way over to the Devil and said, “I wish to appeal. If God had appeared before me personally and told me that those goat herders from 2,000 years ago were correct, I would have accepted Jesus and would be in Heaven right now.

The Devil smiled a wry grin and responded, “Nice try. But God says that he wrote the message in your heart, so and you knew it to be true. Thus, no amount of ‘proof’ would have swayed you. Now, get back in your pit of fire and start swimming again.”

The Atheist looked at the Devil and said, “Now wait a minute, are you trying to tell me that there is nothing God could have done—no amount of proof that would have convinced me?”

“That is what He claims, yes.”

The Atheist pounced, “But the fact remains that now I know it to be true, I would like to accept Jesus Christ as my savior and go to Heaven!”

The Devil looked rather puzzled. “So if God would have shown you Heaven, and Hell which has obviously swayed your belief… You would have accepted then?”

“Obviously,” the Atheist stated, “just as I am doing right now. I simply needed more proof.”

The Devil scratched his bearded chin. He mulled it over for a minute, and then motioned for an imp to bring him a phone. He pressed the single button on it, and after a few seconds said, “God, got a problem down here.”

“…”

“Oh, you were listening, right. Listen, I think this guy has a valid argument.”

“…”

“Well, I think he’s right, the fact that he accepts it now indicates he just didn’t believe that…”

“…”

“Listen, just claiming he should have done it sooner does not nullify that his reasoning and current actions pretty much proves your test for Heaven is flawed. Furthermore, I don’t know of a single tormented soul down here that wouldn’t GLADLY kneel before you and kiss your feet and weep if it would get them out of here. I really think…”

“…”

“Please don’t get upset. I don’t think the Universe will implode just because your plan has a flaw. It ran pretty well for billions of years.”

The Atheist chipped in, “I haven’t even brought up the fact that if I STILL refused to accept Him, that would be proof that I was created incapable of acting sane since only an insane person would prefer to stay here! I think that argument also has merit.”

The Devil put his hand over the microphone, “Do not push it, he is hopping mad as it is!” He uncovered the microphone again. “Listen, God, you said I had full control over the torment the dammed get, correct?” He listened for a few seconds. “OK, cool. I am turning down the heat.”

“…”

“Listen, please don’t take this personally, I just am going to turn the heat down until I sort out the people who want to be roasted for all eternity and those those who do not.”

“…”

“Well… If someone agrees you are Lord and Master and Jesus died for their sins, I don’t think I can torment them any longer. The fact they believe now, after being shown proof, indicates that your ‘written in their heart’ message was just not as foolproof as you thought it…”

At that point, thunderous rumblings could be heard coming from the speaker of the phone. The Devil, holding the phone away from his ear, shouted, “Listen, Jehovah, we go back a long way--this ain’t personal! I’ll call you in a few decades when you have calmed down a bit!”

The Devil hung up. Instantly the sea of flames that made up Hell died down, and imps and demons began letting people out of the lakes and rivers of fires, and started unstrapping them from the myriad devices of torment.

“So what now?” the Atheist queried.

“Dunno,” the Devil responded as a second imp brought up a serving tray with various treats. "But, no hurries. Want some Häagen-Dazs?”

It'd make a cute little video.

"Tell me, muse, of the storyteller who has been thrust to the edge of the world, both an infant and an ancient, and through him reveal everyman." ---Homer the aged poet.

"In Him was life, and the life was the Light of men. The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it."
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08-02-2016, 10:09 AM
RE: The Devil’s Häagen-Dazs
That it would. But I envision the Devil being the Beefy South Park Devil. Hard to find an actor to cover that!

Is Ron Perlman available? He would rock in that role.

Maybe Bill Nye could be the Atheist!
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08-02-2016, 10:40 AM
RE: The Devil’s Häagen-Dazs
(08-02-2016 10:09 AM)The Magic Wombat Wrote:  ...
Is Ron Perlman available? He would rock in that role.

Maybe Bill Nye could be the Atheist!

Nah. You want a cheeky-chappie comedian in that role.

Maybe Paul Whitehouse or Ricky Gervais.

Good choice for Satan though.

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08-02-2016, 10:42 AM
RE: The Devil’s Häagen-Dazs
Or Paul Reubens!
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08-02-2016, 11:12 AM
RE: The Devil’s Häagen-Dazs
(08-02-2016 10:40 AM)DLJ Wrote:  
(08-02-2016 10:09 AM)The Magic Wombat Wrote:  ...
Is Ron Perlman available? He would rock in that role.

Maybe Bill Nye could be the Atheist!

Nah. You want a cheeky-chappie comedian in that role.

Maybe Paul Whitehouse or Ricky Gervais.

Good choice for Satan though.

My vote is for Neil deGrasse Tyson or Richard Dawkins to play Satan. That would be funny. Yes

Skepticism is not a position; it is an approach to claims.
Science is not a subject, but a method.
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08-02-2016, 04:28 PM
RE: The Devil’s Häagen-Dazs
(08-02-2016 11:12 AM)Chas Wrote:  
(08-02-2016 10:40 AM)DLJ Wrote:  Nah. You want a cheeky-chappie comedian in that role.

Maybe Paul Whitehouse or Ricky Gervais.

Good choice for Satan though.

My vote is for Neil deGrasse Tyson or Richard Dawkins to play Satan. That would be funny. Yes

TYSON!!!

He would rock as the Devil!
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