The God Rant
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09-04-2012, 11:01 AM (This post was last modified: 09-04-2012 11:08 AM by Carlo_The_Bugsmasher_Driver.)
The God Rant
We’ve all heard the mantra of the religious that “You can’t
disprove the existence of God!”
Generally this is tossed out as a validation for an argument such as
placing creationism into biology classes at public high school, etc. and it’s
almost always irrelevant to the case they are trying to make. Be that as it may, if God did exist, it’s
strange that it has been so difficult to detect its footprint in our
universe. Carl Sagan used the analogy of
the Fire Breathing Dragon in his book The Demon Haunted World to demonstrate
that if something is there but is so difficult to verify, it would just as soon
not exist. Occam’s Razor also validates
this statement as well.

But, supposing that God did exist, hidden in plain sight
from us, what form would that be? I’m a
pretty skeptical individual and have pretty much ruled out existing deities and
their lesser lieutenants and antagonists.
I don’t believe in Yahweh, Jesus, Zeus, Buddha, Horus, Set, Loki,
Mythra, Allah, Baal, Scientology, Mormonism, Transcendental Meditation, The
Loch Ness Monster, and if Rabbit’s Feet were lucky, they would still be on the
bunny. But so now, if God does exist,
what form would that take?

Well I’ve speculated on a few qualities I would expect God
to have.

1) God is not human. The egocentric nature of Homo Sapiens always portrays It as being human, albeit with supernatural abilities and control of nature. Often these displays of power are generally limited to naturally occurring phenomena like hurricanes and earthquakes. God’s personality is often modeled in our minds as similar to the megalomaniacal behavior and nature of ancient Middle Eastern kings or others obsessed with
power and cruelty. You worship God and sacrifice a goat, It is pleased and brings a good harvest. You fuck your neighbor’s wife, It is pissed and smites you with a curse. We expect these qualities of God because that’s what we see in ourselves, but It is nothing like that. God, if anything, is
an alien; literally it’s an extra-terrestrial like nothing you’ve ever encountered
or dreamed of, for that matter. I also use the pronoun It to describe God as It is asexual. The only purpose for gender is the genetic shuffling during sexual reproduction. As
God (presumably) does not need to reproduce, It would have no need for such
things. Again we primitive humans try to codify the Unknowable by giving it the form of a male or female hairless ape. This makes God more relatable; It better understands your pain when your significant other jilts you for a new lover or when the Steelers beat the Broncos (Because God always sides with your
favorite sports teams and doesn’t like pussy sports like soccer.) See Section 3 for God’s opinion of humans.

2) God is an unbelievably powerful being. Forget stupid bullshit parlor tricks like walking on the water or
causing earthquakes – this Being can create entire galaxies – conglomerations of billions of stars spanning hundreds of thousands of light years - simply by willing it. It is beyond simple control
of matter and energy. It is literally a quantum singularity of thought, consciousness, being, power, energy,
I-Am-That-I-Am that it is beyond your capacity to contemplate. It doesn’t dwell in this universe. It sees the 11 dimensional multiverse – ‘The Bulk’ as physicists call it – as nothing more than a paperweight sitting on Its
desk, one of possibly many such experiments. I know you mouth breathing shit kickers in Coweta, OK, think that you live in ‘God’s Country’ – trust me, you don’t and neither does It. It doesn’t need a place to dwell. It is beyond the scope of space, time, life and other such human constraints. So stop making It temples and gold plated Arks and use those resources to better understand each other and the world that you live in. And It definitely doesn’t live in your heart so stop that bullshit right now.

3) God does not give a shit about you, Precious Little Snowflake. This subject could occupy several rants
alone. I know we humans have this guilt ridden, desperate daddy complex needing the approval and acceptance of a higher power as a straw man for taking personal responsibility for our own lives, but
give It some credit. God does not care who you are, where you live, how much money you make, what color your skin, hair or eyes are and whether you’ve amputated the foreskin off your penis. God does not view you as sinful or flawed. You don’t have a hole in your psyche that needs Its filling. It is not
angry at you for your faults and probably would be pleased to see you take some
responsibility for your problems instead of moaning to It that you are such a
sinner and need Its forgiveness. It didn’t send Its Son to be crucified for you.
It is not preparing a celestial lake of fire to eternally torment you because
you stole a pack of Skittles from a 7-11 at age 9, so fuck you, Kirk Cameron. It doesn’t care what political party you are affiliated with – though I’m pretty sure It views Republicans with a double dose
of contempt. It doesn’t care whether you eat shellfish, mow your lawn on Saturday, covet your neighbor’s donkey, consult a fortune teller, attend Catholic mass and wash 7 times in the Jordan River in an attempt to cure leprosy. It didn’t inspire a bunch Semitic goat herders to write a series of books about It, giving It the form of a contemptible douchebag named Yahweh. The Almighty doesn’t care about your fucking bad habits or your habits of bad fucking. It doesn’t care that you havesex out of wedlock, have anal sex, oral sex, breast sex, feet sex, have any sex at all, enjoy sex, or use birth control. And while were on the subject of the origins of life, God did not make someone as screwed up as you. One drunk, horny
man, one drunk, horny woman, and one faulty condom 26 years ago took care of that. You don’t need a shitty bronze-age fairytale to tell you where you came from.
We all came from a vagina and most men, save those men who live with a bunch of cats, want to get back there as often as we can. It’s called fucking. Stop being so ashamed of it, It-Dammit! Also, God manufactured a universe and lifeforms which evolve into new species through natural selection and hopes humanity will someday pull their collective heads out of their asses and stop fighting against reality. Kent Hovind is
an asshole, as are his pals, Ken Ham, Buddy Davis, Ian Jouby and the rest of the Answers in Genesis crew. God never wrote such a horrible bit of tripe as the Book of Genesis, so stop invoking Its
name to justify it. Now on the subject of communication with God, God doesn’t talk to you. If God wanted to communicate with humanity, It would do so in a clear, concise, unmistakable manner. The voice of God in you head just means you’re batshit and need Thorazine. God does not appear as burn marks on potato chips and grilled cheese sandwiches. Congratulations, asshole, your brain looks for patterns, just like every other hominid on this rock.

4) As powerful as God is, is It the ultimate power of existence? Is God alone? Is God just one of a species of
hyper powerful, pan dimensional beings, like DeepThought’s creators in the Hitchhiker’s
Guide to The Galaxy or the Q Continuum in the Star Trek franchise? And finally, Who or What created God?

Just some of my deep thoughts. Thanks for listening to this rant.


"We were conservative Jews and that meant we obeyed God's Commandments until His rules became a royal pain in the ass."

- Joel Chastnoff, The 188th Crybaby Brigade
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09-04-2012, 11:04 AM
RE: The God Rant
Damnit...and I had a whole collection of Jesus chips to put on Ebay.

See here they are, the bruises, some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. -JF
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