The Holy Bible TL;DR version
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22-11-2014, 01:30 PM (This post was last modified: 22-11-2014 04:34 PM by Can_of_Beans.)
The Holy Bible TL;DR version
My Christian friends have been circulating The Entire Bible Explained in One Facebook Post like it's the most brilliant thing to ever hit the internet.

I don't feel like breaking down all the problems with his version, so I thought I take a shot at writing my own.

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In the beginning, God poofed everything into existence.

Unfortunately, a dirt man and rib woman messed everything up for themselves and their descendants when a talking snake convinced them to eat the wrong piece of fruit.

Now that sin is in the world, all of the people start misbehaving and breaking rules that God hasn't given them yet, so God drowns every man, woman, child, infant and animal in unimaginable terror and agony except for the handful that managed to catch a ride on a big boat with a 600 year old man and his family.

The waters recede and the 600 years old guy's family repopulates the world through incest. These new people start misbehaving again so God picks out a special group of people to go around alternately slaughtering and subjugating other nations or being slaughtered and subjugated themselves depending how successfully they've followed God's long and bizarre list of commands.

God, in his wisdom, eventually decides that the situation is unacceptable and intervenes by knocking up a teenage girl so he can be born as a human and eventually sacrifice himself to himself to give us a loophole to rules he created but can't circumvent.*

A guy called Saul has a hallucination, changes his name to Paul and convinces a lot of other people to believe the story. If you don't believe it too then you will be set on fire after you die and subjected to an eternity of conscious torment.

The End

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*I plagiarized one of Matt Dillahunty's Atheist Experience rants for that paragraph. It was too good not to.

"I feel as though the camera is almost a kind of voyeur in Mr. Beans life, and you just watch this bizarre man going about his life in the way that he wants to."

-Rowan Atkinson
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22-11-2014, 01:55 PM
RE: The Holy Bible TL;DR version
In the Bible, God kills his people for merely whining to Moses. They didn't even sin, they just whined (as whiny as they were, like, they whined about being taken out and starving in the desert instead of leaving them to be slaves).
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22-11-2014, 02:21 PM
RE: The Holy Bible TL;DR version
(22-11-2014 01:55 PM)Kaepora Gaebora Wrote:  In the Bible, God kills his people for merely whining to Moses. They didn't even sin, they just whined (as whiny as they were, like, they whined about being taken out and starving in the desert instead of leaving them to be slaves).

I have children - whining should be considered a sin. I sort of understand. Sleepy

One of my main house (and elsewhere) rules was 'No Whining'!

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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22-11-2014, 02:29 PM
RE: The Holy Bible TL;DR version
God also seems to have a fetish for throwing stones.
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22-11-2014, 02:31 PM
RE: The Holy Bible TL;DR version
Can I try?

"In the beginning, God forgot what 'Omnipotent' means and discovered a love for torture porn.

The end."

Popcorn I put more thought into fiction than theists put into reality.
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22-11-2014, 02:34 PM
RE: The Holy Bible TL;DR version
In the beginning - man created gods...

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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22-11-2014, 02:37 PM
RE: The Holy Bible TL;DR version
Grrr. I was just in the process of posting this when I saw it already on the forum,

I think the Bible should have a sub-heading printed on all the Bibles from this day forward.

The Bible

TL;DR

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
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22-11-2014, 02:39 PM
RE: The Holy Bible TL;DR version
Well I don't think we can condense it down any further than CleverUsername and Anjele, so for bonus points, give a summary in the form of a haiku.
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22-11-2014, 02:43 PM
RE: The Holy Bible TL;DR version
(22-11-2014 02:39 PM)Mathilda Wrote:  Well I don't think we can condense it down any further than CleverUsername and Anjele, so for bonus points, give a summary in the form of a haiku.

Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong

Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong

Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong.

Popcorn I put more thought into fiction than theists put into reality.
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22-11-2014, 02:44 PM
RE: The Holy Bible TL;DR version
(22-11-2014 02:39 PM)Mathilda Wrote:  Well I don't think we can condense it down any further than CleverUsername and Anjele, so for bonus points, give a summary in the form of a haiku.

Sadcryface Oh gawd, does that require math? Weeping

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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