The Holy Bible TL;DR version
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
23-11-2014, 11:56 AM
RE: The Holy Bible TL;DR version
(23-11-2014 07:41 AM)TheInquisition Wrote:  Maybe this would be considered commentary after the TL;DR version:

A bunch of ancient priests and scribes told a lot of stories about their backwards religion, none of which should be believed. Put this book down and read the Iliad or Harry Potter, they are more entertaining.

Or, in keeping more wth the spirit of the book and those who believe it...

Go ye, therefore, unto all the world and masturbate not. Facepalm

"I feel as though the camera is almost a kind of voyeur in Mr. Beans life, and you just watch this bizarre man going about his life in the way that he wants to."

-Rowan Atkinson
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Can_of_Beans's post
23-11-2014, 11:59 AM
RE: The Holy Bible TL;DR version
(23-11-2014 01:08 AM)Ace Wrote:  
(22-11-2014 07:13 PM)Full Circle Wrote:  How about in a Limmerick?

As a highly cognitive apes descended from a common ape ancestor
They began to ponder their fate
Ripe with imagination
Conjured up invocation
And now for salvation they wait

correction made

Ever hear of poetic license? Dodgy

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.”~Mark Twain
“Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”~ Ambrose Bierce
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Full Circle's post
24-11-2014, 07:09 AM
RE: The Holy Bible TL;DR version
"In the beginning, God created everything, and set up one rule, knowing full well that the people would break that rule. Then, he decided to make all of humanity carry this sin, even though only two people actually broke that rule that he knew they would before he made it. He insisted on a series of draconian rules and burn animals to 'atone' for these sins. He also he them kill the everloving shit out of any nations around them. Sometimes, he let them get killed or enslaved.

Then, he decided to send a Jesus to atone for everyone so they could stop with the burnt offerings, but if you don't accept the Jesus, then none of this counts. Also he raised the stakes, and now you can get tortured for infinity years if you don't accept the Jesus. He is returning to judge the world in the very near future, anywhere from right now to somewhere in the next several thousand years."
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes RobbyPants's post
24-11-2014, 10:06 AM
RE: The Holy Bible TL;DR version
(23-11-2014 11:59 AM)Full Circle Wrote:  
(23-11-2014 01:08 AM)Ace Wrote:  correction made

Ever hear of poetic license? Dodgy

nope No
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
24-11-2014, 05:57 PM
RE: The Holy Bible TL;DR version
In the beginning, in a time before there was time and in a place that wasn't space, there was nothing. There was also god. And god looked at nothing and just for shits and giggles decided to turn nothing into something. He did so with a magic spell chanted despite the lack of anything to carry the word. That done, he got really confused and made light before the sun and other mistakes where he had to go back and add in bits later to support what he'd already made because god is the sort who refuses to use psuedo-code or blueprints. He eventually gets around to creating two people who are adult sized children and, being a first time parent, is shocked when they listen to someone else and disobey him. Despite it really being god's fault as the responsible entity, god spanks the adult children so hard their kids feel it. Fortunately god is alone so there's no Child Protective Services to remove the abused adult children from his care.
God then spends the next long while alternately trying to bribe his people's children and abusing then further, frequently using the tactic of punishing someone other than whoever did something wrong to make the wrong-doer feel bad, or to get those others upset with the wrong-doer and punish that person instead. Over time he makes more and more really stupid rules while adding in just enough sensible ones to fool everyone. Whenever he doesn't feel like supporting his chosen side, he makes something up as an excuse (like iron chariots).
Having screwed things up massively, god has sex for the first time with a girl. Before he mostly banned sex because it was icky, but the direct experience trumatised him and he had a psychotic break. Given he was crazy to start with, no one noticed. He then stuffed hinself into the womb of the girl he had sex with, proceded to do a lot of magic including making people forget he'd done magic so they'd be surprised later on, and then went off and sulked through his teen years. After that he tried to tell people to be nice to each other, then advocated beating people and did so himself and, still suffering from the whole incident with his girlfriend/mom and an unfortunate incident with a priest, he got really worked up and pouted again, saying those who didn't play the way he wanted were poopy-heads. The local adults finally had enough and spanked him for all of this. Being god, he promptly cheated and tried to tell everyone he hadn't really been spanked.
After this, a bunch of people wrote down in a book how he was spanked and then not spanked, creeating a whole organization with an unhealthy interest the the bottoms of boys. Deciding that god's main message was one of peace, they decided to pacify the whole area by viciously slaughtering anyone who disagreed.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like OddGamer's post
Post Reply
Forum Jump: