The Official Crying Thread
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07-10-2015, 08:33 AM
RE: The Official Crying Thread
(07-10-2015 08:08 AM)Escape Artist Wrote:  Funeral was yesterday. Today I am just tired. I go back to work tomorrow.

Anyway, my best friend who recently moved to Austin came to the funeral and I had a good cry with her (and we went out to a restaurant last night before she had to head back - was so good to catch up with her) as well as with all the co-workers in my department. There were tons of people there which just goes to show that my dad touched a lot of lives and that a lot of people loved him.

All the religious stuff was annoying and I probably got more irritated by it than I should have. Rev pointed out that my dad was a religious man so of course the ceremony would have that stuff in it.

I haven't cried as much as I think I ought to have. It makes me wonder if I didn't love my dad as much as I thought I did... or something. There was a time when he was out of church and I thought that maybe, just maybe he was thinking things over or maybe he was secretly an atheist, but no such luck. So when he had started going back to church it's like I lost some respect for him. It is hard to respect any of my family. So this is shitty to say, but I feel like I come from a long line of cowards who never looked inward, never took the time to examine their beliefs, nothing. And they are all so proud of their religious heritage. It makes me sick. I am ashamed of it. And I still have anger toward my parents for indoctrinating me. I just don't get how they could have all gone so long in life with this shit and never questioned it, ever.

I am thinking of how Matt Dillahunty says that he wants to believe as many true things, and as few false things as possible. How could none of them have ever felt that way? I am angry too because they are all dealing with emotions they shouldn't have to go through. Mom keeps saying that god must have had a reason to take my dad so soon. She was begging god to bring him back when they (paramedics) were working on my dad on the ground. They're talking all this crap about how they have hope of seeing him again, but that there are those who do not have hope. I don't give a fuck about hope. I don't give a fuck about what feels good. What is true is that everything my dad ever was was in that box yesterday. He is gone and he is never coming back. He meant a lot to a lot of people and he went quick and in relatively little pain, on his land out in the country where he loved to be. And I know he loved me. I cannot ask for anything more than that.

More rambles... Hobo

Hug

EA, I know what you're feeling. Having just lost my dad, I know all too well.

Hug

The internet cannot contain the amount of hugs I wish for you.

Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not keeping up.

"Let me give you some advice, bastard: never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you." - Tyrion Lannister
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09-10-2015, 05:09 PM
RE: The Official Crying Thread
Why did this have to happen now? This should be an exciting time, and it still is, if I can block out thoughts of my dad long enough. I am finally going to get to be with my boyfriend after a nearly two-year-long long distance relationship and yet... Sad

I hate it. I want to go back to feeling numb and shocked like in the first few days after his death. Now I just feel tired and depressed. I cried at work yesterday because I was overwhelmed with this feeling of all of us being on this bus, and it's like dad fell off and I just want the bus to stop for a second so he can get back on, but it won't stop. People are moving on with the business of life and I have to as well, but it doesn't seem right that it can just go on without him. Doesn't anyone care that he's gone and that it's just not right?

When I was little, and we were in town or wherever, dad would hold out his pinky to me and I was to hold onto it as we walked, so I wouldn't wander off. His hands were so big (or more likely, mine were so small at the time) that I could wrap my whole hand around his finger. I knew so long as I held on tight, nothing bad would happen. I felt safe. And now I feel so lost. How can I not have a dad anymore? I don't understand it. How can he not be there for me to turn to when I need him? I am a stubborn fuck and were he here I would do my damndest to do things all on my own without anyone's help, but I always knew he was there if I truly did need him. I feel like I am reaching out to grab tight to his finger again and now there's nothing there.

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09-10-2015, 05:16 PM
RE: The Official Crying Thread
I know it's hard. But you say your dad loved you - I am sure he wanted you to be happy. It's a lot of changes all at once, maybe that's a good thing. Your whole world is changing - right now. It's time to go where these forks in the road are taking you.

Give yourself time to grieve...it sort of ebbs and flows. Your dad wouldn't want you to stop your life.

Revs is on his way - you can hold onto his little finger when you walk into scary places.

More hugs your way.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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09-10-2015, 05:54 PM
RE: The Official Crying Thread
(09-10-2015 05:09 PM)Escape Artist Wrote:  Why did this have to happen now? This should be an exciting time, and it still is, if I can block out thoughts of my dad long enough. I am finally going to get to be with my boyfriend after a nearly two-year-long long distance relationship and yet... Sad

I hate it. I want to go back to feeling numb and shocked like in the first few days after his death. Now I just feel tired and depressed. I cried at work yesterday because I was overwhelmed with this feeling of all of us being on this bus, and it's like dad fell off and I just want the bus to stop for a second so he can get back on, but it won't stop. People are moving on with the business of life and I have to as well, but it doesn't seem right that it can just go on without him. Doesn't anyone care that he's gone and that it's just not right?

When I was little, and we were in town or wherever, dad would hold out his pinky to me and I was to hold onto it as we walked, so I wouldn't wander off. His hands were so big (or more likely, mine were so small at the time) that I could wrap my whole hand around his finger. I knew so long as I held on tight, nothing bad would happen. I felt safe. And now I feel so lost. How can I not have a dad anymore? I don't understand it. How can he not be there for me to turn to when I need him? I am a stubborn fuck and were he here I would do my damndest to do things all on my own without anyone's help, but I always knew he was there if I truly did need him. I feel like I am reaching out to grab tight to his finger again and now there's nothing there.

I felt the same way when my dad passed away. It is so hard not having him around anymore. He was the rock of my entire family. Even friends of ours would go to him with their problems. He always knew the right things to say/do. He was our protector. To not have him here anymore is just immensely sad and difficult. Still when I have issues going on in my life, I want to reach for the phone and call him and ask for his advice on things. He was such a good man and it sounds like your dad was too.

You will always miss your dad. The numbness goes away after awhile, so does the exhaustion and depression. The pain of losing him does get easier to manage as time goes on. In the beginning, I couldn't even think about my dad without bursting into tears. Now I am able to look back on memories of him and although I sometimes tear up, I do find myself smiling at remembering him and the times we had together.

Everything your dad taught you and all your memories of him are still with you, that part has not gone away. My dad passed away very young too--I try and seek solace in the fact that I got to have someone that amazing in my life and someone like that as a father--even if it was only for a short time. It sounds like you were just as lucky as I was to have such a wonderful dad Heart

Hug
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09-10-2015, 06:05 PM
RE: The Official Crying Thread
Hug
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09-10-2015, 07:48 PM
RE: The Official Crying Thread
My mother died in a car accident when she was 82 and I was 42. My Dad followed her 3 or 4 years later, basically of old age. I remember thinking, gee, I'm almost 50 but I'm an orphan. In the ensuing decade I lost my oldest brother and my wife to illness, too. I am not much of a cryer ... but when my wife died I remember collapsing at some point a month or so after her passing and heard this weird keening sound. It took me a minute to realize the sound was coming from me. This is how grief works, in a sort of spiral. Just when you think you're getting better, another wave of grief hits you. It's perfectly normal. Eventually the frequency and amplitude wanes, and you integrate your loss(es) into a "new normal". Death is part of life -- even the kind that is harder to take because it doesn't happen in the expected way at the "correct" point in the story arc of our lives.

Escape Artist ... even the numbness giving way to raw grief is normal. The numbness gets you through the funeral, but not much more than that. Google "Thanatology" for a better understanding of the dynamics.

Also ... I can tell you ... it gets better. It takes its sweet time doing so, but it does get better.

I am with someone now who was also widowed and we both realize that life is truly impermanent. We try to live together in such a way that nothing is ever left unsaid or undone. In all honesty, I'm pretty sure she's concealing heart trouble from me (she's one of those people who resists going to the doctor), so this is probably all going to go down again at some point ... and you know what, crazily enough, I'm actually USED to it. Life, as they say, is just one thing after another. It is more important to live in the moment and wring from it what you can while you have it, than to try to make it perfect first. Perfect never comes. So Escape Artist ... enjoy your new relationship and remember your Dad would not want his death getting in the way of that.
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13-10-2015, 06:44 PM
RE: The Official Crying Thread
Having a hard time again tonight. I move into the apartment this Saturday (unless something goes wrong) and I can't help but think of how he would have helped me move. Even though he didn't want me living in town, he would have helped me. I know he would have. Sad

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13-10-2015, 07:29 PM
RE: The Official Crying Thread
(13-10-2015 06:44 PM)Escape Artist Wrote:  Having a hard time again tonight. I move into the apartment this Saturday (unless something goes wrong) and I can't help but think of how he would have helped me move. Even though he didn't want me living in town, he would have helped me. I know he would have. Sad

Hug
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14-10-2015, 08:57 AM
The Official Crying Thread
A friend and former boss died. It's the cover story on our local newspaper and her obituary is half a page.

She was a lot of fun. I'm going to miss her.
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14-10-2015, 08:59 AM
RE: The Official Crying Thread
(14-10-2015 08:57 AM)Clockwork Wrote:  A friend and former boss died. It's the cover story on our local newspaper and her obituary is half a page.

She was a lot of fun. I'm going to miss her.

Hug
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