The Pain Of Deconversion
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26-11-2012, 04:16 PM
RE: The Pain Of Deconversion
(26-11-2012 03:04 PM)onedream Wrote:  I'm about two years into a process of what I am almost sure (Barring divine intervention) is my de-conversion from Christianity.

It started 2 years ago when I e-mailed Seth (The thinking atheist) some doubts I had about Noah's Ark. He sent me his answers and since then, I've been searching the scriptures off and on for reasons to continue believing.

Seth and I have been close friends for almost 20 years. He was my first radio program director. And he's been kind of like a big brother to me in my career. He told me a few years ago that he was an atheist. The day he told me, I went home and wept and prayed for him for an hour. I called a fellow friend of ours and told him what Seth had said to me. And together, we prayed for Seth for another 20 minutes. This friend of ours is a Pentecostal minister. And this minister had a "word" from God for me that day. He said "Don't worry. God is going to snap him back like a dog on a leash. God will get Seth's attention and he'll be more on fire for God than he's ever been."

I was comforted...temporarily. But my heart ached for Seth. And I believe now that this "word from God" was bullshit.

Fast forward 4 years. The last year has been an especially study-filled time in my life. I began reading the scripture in-depth to try to find answers to my questions. And all I've found are more questions and doubts. I've read the books by Lee Strobel and have come up dry. He gives no proof for Christ at the end of the day. On the contrary, the books read like propaganda to help Christians feel "scientific" about our faith. But at the end of the day, it's just faith. That's ALL it is. On the other hand, Richard Dawkins' book "The God delusion" is sitting on my bedside table and makes perfect sense.

I've come to a conclusion. If I'm going to remain a Christian, it will have to be for one reason: "Because I want to."

That's IT. That's the only reason I can find for faith. "Just because it's comforting and I want it in my life."

This process has been painful from the beginning. Fear, terror, deep sadness, desperation & a strange sense of exhilaration have all been components. But today I'm feeling pain. The more I realize that I really don't have faith, the sadder I become. The thought that the party is over when I die is deeply grieving. The prospect that Jesus (whom I have loved with all my heart) will not be there to greet me in an afterlife tears me apart. It's like losing a loved-one. And that grieving process is something I never anticipated as part of this. I'm sad, people. And I wonder, if you're in my situation, how YOU have dealt with this.

Please help. Thanks.
In many ways, I think it's not all that different from the death of a relative or close friend. It's every bit as much an emotional and psychological loss. Similarly, it takes time to heal and, even with that time, may not go away 100%. Eventually, you'll learn to adjust and go on with your life just as with the loss of someone close, but you probably won't completely forget. It has been over 20 years for me and I still occasionally find myself wanting to talk to God as a source of hope and then have to remind myself how silly it is. Then I feel a mixture of sadness and disgust. A moment later I usually feel a bit angry because I am again reminded of the deepness of indoctrination.

But I do not fear death. Before I was born, I knew nothing and knew of nothing because I didn't exist. I believe death will be the same as before I was born. So there is nothing to fear. It saddens me that there will some day be a parting with those I love and then all that beauty will end, but it's also reality. So then I focus on the realization that I can spend the rest of my short life dwelling on that sadness or I can make the most of this life while I still have that opportunity. Then I look at my family, friends (or pictures or a mental image if they aren't directly with me) and I realize life is really good. There is nothing to be sad about except about those for whom life really isn't very good. It's also a bit comforting to know that there isn't some being up there who allows or causes those people to suffer so much. If there was, that would be something to really fear.

Silence is only golden when it's not synonymous with a failure to speak out against injustice.

"We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing all-powerful God, who creates faulty Humans, and then blames them for his own mistakes." --Gene Roddenberry
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Messages In This Thread
The Pain Of Deconversion - onedream - 26-11-2012, 03:04 PM
RE: The Pain Of Deconversion - Leela - 26-11-2012, 03:19 PM
RE: The Pain Of Deconversion - morondog - 26-11-2012, 03:28 PM
RE: The Pain Of Deconversion - guitar_nut - 26-11-2012, 03:31 PM
RE: The Pain Of Deconversion - onedream - 26-11-2012, 04:01 PM
RE: The Pain Of Deconversion - Reltzik - 26-11-2012, 03:31 PM
RE: The Pain Of Deconversion - onedream - 26-11-2012, 04:02 PM
RE: The Pain Of Deconversion - onedream - 26-11-2012, 04:04 PM
RE: The Pain Of Deconversion - Impulse - 26-11-2012 04:16 PM
RE: The Pain Of Deconversion - onedream - 26-11-2012, 06:27 PM
RE: The Pain Of Deconversion - morondog - 26-11-2012, 11:18 PM
RE: The Pain Of Deconversion - onedream - 30-11-2012, 12:49 AM
RE: The Pain Of Deconversion - Impulse - 27-11-2012, 11:15 AM
RE: The Pain Of Deconversion - fstratzero - 26-11-2012, 04:24 PM
RE: The Pain Of Deconversion - Erxomai - 26-11-2012, 04:58 PM
RE: The Pain Of Deconversion - onedream - 30-11-2012, 12:57 AM
The Pain Of Deconversion - Erxomai - 27-11-2012, 01:02 AM
RE: The Pain Of Deconversion - morondog - 27-11-2012, 02:16 AM
RE: The Pain Of Deconversion - Vera - 27-11-2012, 05:53 AM
RE: The Pain Of Deconversion - onedream - 30-11-2012, 12:56 AM
RE: The Pain Of Deconversion - onedream - 30-11-2012, 12:59 AM

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