The Perfect Love -- please tell us yours!
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18-09-2011, 08:01 PM
 
The Perfect Love -- please tell us yours!
This Forum is great. It is such a relief that you are among thinking people (apart from a very few bible-thumpers) who use their brains in facing the world. Young people come here all the time to ask for help and find answers and courage.

We spend a lot of time talking about the evils of religion and what it does to people.

We are a community of like-minded people and, as such, we are friends and comrades in arms, as it were.

We are so caught up in our opposition to religion that we don’t seem to find time to celebrate the positive things in life.

That is why I started the “Perfect Life” thread and I hope more of you will tell of your dreams of the perfect life you are having, building, hoping for.

I also would like to hear about the perfect relationships, friendships, marriages we are dreaming of, building and having.

Mine is already ‘documented’ in the “Poets’ Corner” thread (Post #44).

Please, share stories of friendship, love, companionship with like-minded human beings. It would give us all a much needed shot in the arm.
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18-09-2011, 09:12 PM (This post was last modified: 20-09-2011 01:47 AM by robotworld.)
RE: The Perfect Love -- please tell us yours!
I hope to have people that I can talk to everyday, and engage in interesting conversations. I hope to have a loving family, where everyone does not bicker over trivial things.

My exploration into relationships is a complicated one. Learnt of the concept of facades, false faces people put up just to get what they want. I once thought society was a nice place, where everybody helps each other, and everybody respects each other, with the exception of the few black sheep. Well, reality is the opposite, where people backstab each other, trample over your achievements. People utilise you without a word of gratitude. I feared making friends or even coming to contact with people since I was bullied in high school. Got over it in the first two years, but the trauma remains. Compound that with the problem that I frequently fail to distinguish fantasy and reality. Social relationships was hard for me.

It's a two sided thing for me. One side encourages me to mix with others, to gain experience and possibly make new friends, while the other side frequently stops me from doing so, and plunges my thoughts into horrible things that could happen if I talk to them. Even when talking to my best friend, these horrible thoughts will not go away.

That's why relationships is a touchy issue for me. I just can't mix with people without a deep sense of fear.

Welcome to science. You're gonna like it here - Phil Plait

Have you ever tried taking a comfort blanket away from a small child? - DLJ
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19-09-2011, 01:07 PM
RE: The Perfect Love -- please tell us yours!
I was moving from one ill-fated relationship to the next long gap until my mid-thirties.
Not saying it's all bad, being alone: you're free to party and have lots of time to study in the sober intervals... but it gets old long before you do.

Then i met The Right One - no question. And from there, it was all rough sailing for the next five years. Changing jobs, moving house, in-laws, kids, thrashing out who does what; how to spend the money and time of which there is never as much of as you'd like. And then we discovered that the only thing we needed was a common language. Doesn't matter if you both speak the same one from birth, you still have different flags and buttons, tear-jerkers and door-slammers; tones that alarm, gestures that irritate, facial expressions that feel different on thisside from how they look on that side. Once you've worked out a vocabulary you both understand, life gets a whole lot easier.

I'm happy to report, the last 25 years have been... Perfect? Perfect enough.
Life is a trapeze act - get a reliable catcher.

It's not the mean god I have trouble with - it's the people who worship a mean god.
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19-09-2011, 04:13 PM (This post was last modified: 19-09-2011 04:17 PM by bemore.)
RE: The Perfect Love -- please tell us yours!
Id like to share the love between me and my best friend.

I have known him since I first started school...........we all had lots of friends but we allways stuck up for each other no matter the consequences.

Over time this has built such a trust......and such a love......that we call each other our "brother from another mother"

I do truely love this man.........and we tell each other from time to time.

I know that I can tell him anything....that ive killed, if I turned gay........and I know he wont judge me for it.......he sees me for who I really am like I see him.

I would say the love I have for him is the same I have for my family........and also for the love I have for nature (yes i know I sound new agey Tongue)

I can honestly say with all of my heart that if I had to give my own life to save his.........I would without a heartbeats hesitation.

EDIT: The attachment is a photo of us when we went paintballing a few years ago.........Im on the left and Dave is on the right Big Grin


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For no matter how much I use these symbols, to describe symptoms of my existence.
You are your own emphasis.
So I say nothing.

-Bemore.
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19-09-2011, 04:53 PM
 
RE: The Perfect Love -- please tell us yours!
(19-09-2011 04:13 PM)bemore Wrote:  EDIT: The attachment is a photo of us when we went paintballing a few years ago.........Im on the left and Dave is on the right Big Grin

My left or your left?

Big smile or small smile?

Thank you for sharing all that with us!
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19-09-2011, 10:49 PM
RE: The Perfect Love -- please tell us yours!
Good thread, Zatamon.

The most meaningful thing about love I ever came across is this passage from Walter Kaufmann’s 1961 book, The Faith of a Heretic:

Kaufmann first quotes a folk tale, where a learned man is speaking:

Quote:“How one should love men, I have learned from a peasant. He sat in an inn with some other peasants, drinking. For a long time he was silent like the others, but when his heart was moved by the wine he said to his neighbor: ‘Tell me, do you love me or don’t you?’ And he replied: ‘I love you very much.’ But the first peasant answered: ‘You say, I love you; and yet you do not know what hurts me. If you loved me in truth, you would know.’” That is a much higher standard of love than most men have, and yet it is clearly not enough: one might have the insight to know what hurts others and not care, not share their hurt, not love. The [learned man] concluded: “I understood: that is love of men, to sense their wants and bear their grief.”

Kaufmann then goes on to connect neighbor love, or “love of men,” with ordinary love:

Quote:Love in the more usual sense is often held to be an altogether different experience from such love of men. In fact, ordinary love and neighbor love are neither identical nor entirely different; they are continuous. Those who speak and write judiciously do not consider the mere intensity of emotion sufficient to warrant the name of love; there must also be a strong, sustained concern with the other person’s wants and grief. . . . The continuity of the two kinds of love is reversible. The lover who is initially overcome by an intense emotion is gradually led to more and more profound concern about the loved one’s feelings, thoughts, and welfare. Conversely, if we begin by thinking of other human beings as essentially like ourselves and sense their wants, we may be led to bear their griefs, too. [Emphasis added]

Many people seem to treat love relationships like business relationships. The essence of a business relationship is that I have something you want and need, and you have something I want and need: you give me what I want and I give you what you want—there’s mutual benefit. But if a supplier can’t go on supplying, or the client can’t continue to pay, the relationship dissolves. That’s a poor paradigm for a love relationship. If eventually one partner can no longer “supply” the other and as a result the relationship falls apart, that’s not love. Love is not just emotion but a “strong, sustained concern . . . with the loved one’s feelings, thoughts, and welfare.” And that can only be the result of a commitment that doesn’t waver with the changing circumstances.

Next month is our 42nd anniversary as partners and our third as a married couple. The two young men in that first-date picture from 1969 are unrecognizable to our current friends and not that much more familiar to us: two people from another time, smiling back at us, who no longer exist. Things change; people change. Sometimes the changes bring you closer together; sometimes they move you apart. Relationships that don’t change with the changes don’t last. But throughout, there has to be that unwavering commitment—to remain with each other through thick and thin and sickness and health, to share each other’s joy, sense each other’s wants, bear each other’s grief. In the deepest sense of the word, you decide to love another person.

I guess it’s also helped that we’re both atheists. Wink

Religious disputes are like arguments in a madhouse over which inmate really is Napoleon.
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20-09-2011, 05:20 AM
RE: The Perfect Love -- please tell us yours!
(19-09-2011 04:53 PM)Zatamon Wrote:  My left or your left?

Big smile or small smile?

(me) Your left, big smile Big Grin

For no matter how much I use these symbols, to describe symptoms of my existence.
You are your own emphasis.
So I say nothing.

-Bemore.
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20-09-2011, 09:03 AM
RE: The Perfect Love -- please tell us yours!
I'm currently in love with my best friend. I've told her, but she's a bit put off by the fact that I'm not post-op and had to regretfully reject my feelings for now. I was planning on getting the operation anyway, so this just gives me a little more incentive. I've known her for about 5 or 6 years and we've gotten really close, we can share anything with each other. She was the very first person I came out to with my atheism and later my transsexuality. She's shared secrets of hers with equal weight. It makes me really feel good that she trusts me like that. She's always there for me when I need her to be. Beyond the shadow of a doubt, we're the closest I've ever been with anyone. Big Grin

I feel like I'm already experiencing my perfect love. I suppose it's not perfect in the sense that it could be better, but if things even just stayed the way they are now, I'd be really happy! Deep friendship has a magic of its own. Smile

"It does feel like something to be wrong; it feels like being right." -Kathryn Schulz
I am 100% certain that I am wrong about something I am certain about right now. Because even if everything I stand for turns out to be completely true, I was still wrong about being wrong.
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20-09-2011, 02:23 PM
RE: The Perfect Love -- please tell us yours!
Since I'm new here I would like to thank you all for sharing your stories, it's not often one can read, hear and speak sincerely stories from the heart (so to say). In my normal life such tales of great love and deep sacrifice goes untold so that people instead can talk trash, non important and irrelevant and by doing so maybe try and hide themselves.

I have newer believed in anything else than the moral code thought to me by my parents and maybe a little bit in the nature, as the wonders sometimes can seem godlike. When I grew up i guess I had the 'normal' relationships with girls but quickly fund them to be boring and irrelevant since I always was missing something in the girls, and later woman i was with. In reality we are talking less than 10 relationships in total from kindergarten to 'manhood' and after a 1 year long relationship with yet another women I simply lost interest in matters of the heart.

In the following months and years I got to know several new people and began to call one of them for a friend. She was annoying, smarter than me and a far better person. The moral code she had included helping strangers, newer get mad or angry and in general making the world better. As the month went on and became years our friendship evolved in a way I did not see coming, she was also a livelong 'non-believer' with the same view on nature as me, she came to know my deepest secrets and darkside and I hers. Even though her darkside was almost non-existent.

One day I realized she was what I had been missing, she understood me, I her, and I could trust her completely. I also realized i actually loved her, and not in anyway like the others, but absolute. From that day we only got closer and closer and not a single time did we have a argue of what to do and what not. I know she felt the same way as I did, in part because I could feel it, and in part because I was told later.

She died of cancer in 2006 without illness nor warning after 5 years of extremely close friendship.

Even though I still misses her everyday I have no regrets because she made (and still makes) it all worthwhile. That bottomless connection with her is what stands out to be the perfect love for me.

Thank you again, this thread is truly inspiring, Nicky
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20-09-2011, 03:53 PM
 
RE: The Perfect Love -- please tell us yours!
(19-09-2011 10:49 PM)cufflink Wrote:  Many people seem to treat love relationships like business relationships. The essence of a business relationship is that I have something you want and need, and you have something I want and need: you give me what I want and I give you what you want—there’s mutual benefit. But if a supplier can’t go on supplying, or the client can’t continue to pay, the relationship dissolves. That’s a poor paradigm for a love relationship. If eventually one partner can no longer “supply” the other and as a result the relationship falls apart, that’s not love. Love is not just emotion but a “strong, sustained concern . . . with the loved one’s feelings, thoughts, and welfare.” And that can only be the result of a commitment that doesn’t waver with the changing circumstances.

Very well put, cufflink!

For me love is a permanent addiction, in a way.

If I wanted to define love with a very short description, I would say: "I love someone when his/her happiness is a prerequisite of my own"

I told our daughter once: "I have 2 nightmares: in one my love dies before me, in the other I do"

I know for a fact that if my love dies before me, I would not want to continue living.

But I am old enough to say that -- I have had a wonderful life ... no regrets.
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