The Slyfalsian Truth
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25-03-2012, 08:56 PM
The Slyfalsian Truth
One night, I had a dream where an angel spoke to me, and the angel told me the first thing i would see when I woke up would be a new prophet. As I woke up, I saw my dog. As I stared into his eyes, all of his knowledge came into me.

And that is how The Slyfalsian Truth began.

I am currently writing the holy book of this religion, The Bohquanita (B -bible, oh - Torah, Qua - Qua ran, ita Baghavad -Gita(my spelling may be off on the names))
Yay for satire!
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26-03-2012, 03:15 AM
RE: The Slyfalsian Truth
haha wonderful, please post the first chapters Big Grin

Darth Vader
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26-03-2012, 05:14 AM
RE: The Slyfalsian Truth
I will soon post the first about 1/3 of it once i figure out how to, and are able to bring it from the school computer to my laptop.

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26-03-2012, 05:16 AM
RE: The Slyfalsian Truth
Prophetic times, I tell you whut. Angel

living word
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26-03-2012, 05:28 PM
RE: The Slyfalsian Truth
And now... for the shortly waited and lowly anticipated novel of a previous generation.. The original Bohquanita!!!!

[font=Britannic Bold, sans-serif]
The collected stories of the great prophet known as Sly, who enlightened us all to the grand and glorious ways of life and death.

The Slyfalsian Truth

Be warned reader, for this book shall change you for the rest of your days. This book shall enlighten all who read it with a happiness and warmth which shall last forever if you accept it as the truth.
The Slyfalsian Truth.

This has been translated from the savior known has Sly.
He has shown us the darkness of our ways and shall spread the light through this book.
I, merely a humble servant of he will write it, for he who has shown me the light lacks the aptitude for such a task as this.
This book shall hath no numbers for the truth can not be tainted by the presence of mere numerical devices.
(And hath School Computers be too slow for such a task as figuring out how to number pages)
And thus shall we begin with the greatest book ever written.
The Greater Truths

Lo, hath the world not treated dogs as second rate citizens and this shall be known as a sin for the dogs possess knowledge of the world greater than any human could comprehend. It shall never be the same if this Truth is followed.
Treat every dog as you would treat a human and every human as you would treat a dog.

Lo, hath the world not treated all as equals, but one must help another as if thou are subservient to the other. And this truth shall show you the way for the correct action of such an act.
If man or dog wishes to help the other, then let them be as they wish, for that this act is one of the holiest of all acts one can do without death.

Lo, hath the world known not enough suffering at the hands of the evil, that the world has only been safe by the law of the ones in power. The world would be at peace if only this Truth was followed
Treat others, as thou would wish to be treated.

Lo, hath the world been smeared of the sins of the insane for they hath procreated with others who are not of their species. This is the lowliest of any act short of murder.
Thou shall not act upon ones urges of those of another species, or upon the unwilling.

Lo, hath the world never known what actually is after death, for thou who are dead cannot speak. This Truth shall tell of what death is.
Once one is dead, thou shall find out what life is after death, for that is a paradox.

The Lesser Truths
Life is meant to be lived for life, not for the preparation of death.
Other books shall not be burned for they have led to the creation of this one.
If one decides to dress their dog up, let the dog choose what it would like to be dressed in.
Interfere not with the natural ways of animals, for an animal is not an animal if they cannot act as one.
Respect others beliefs, for they should not shunned, for they are equal to thee.
Only proselytize those who wish to enlightened.
Make jest only of those who can withstand thou harshest words.
Live in accordance with others, unless they wish to be changed.
Idolize not those who do nothing to be deserving of idolization.
Learn all that you can for no one can take away from you your knowledge.
And there shall be more as time passes…

In the beginning there was but one hippopotamus, and he was bored. He knew naught what to do, but then he did find a simple ball. And joy was the hippo, as he frolicked with it, but alas, the ball was but an inanimate object. O, was the hippo not happy, as he wished for someone to talk to. But the yet the ball was inanimate. So in his fury did he eat that great ball. He soon regretted this terrible turn of fate. As he had to pass that great ball. And once that ball was passed. One day did that ball talk to him, and oh was that hippo surprised. As this ball was inanimate no longer. But it was not the ball that talked, but a being upon it. That being was a miniature version of himself. And that being wanted another of him. So the hippo did swallow the ball again.
When the ball did pass, another being was upon it. This being was naught a hippo, but a man. This man wished for another of its kind. The hippo was sad at that fact, for he could not control what came out of his rear. So the hippo did eat and pass that ball many a time, and soon the world had been created. But still the beings had naught another of their kind created.
So the hippo did come up with a plan and that plan was to eat the ball with his rear, and have the ball come out of his mouth. After the deed was done, there was another miniature version of himself. But this being was not totally alike him for it had no part for procreation extruding from its midsection. And did the first being upon the ball did rejoice, for it not only was like him, but they could do other acts. The being then did entreat the hippo to do it again. So the hippo did do it again, but this time it was alike the man he hath created and the man also rejoiced.
And then this did continue for some time, and soon all he hath created had one that was alike them. But then later did one of the ones he created procreate. Soon did many of the others, and they had the need of guidance. So the hippo did tell them of many a thing, of how the sun does rise and the moon does shine. And did the wisest among the animals were the ones to pass this down to the young of their kind. Though he never did tell of how the world did he make, for even he did not know. And that is how we are here, we have been, and shall forever be.

The Saints of the Slyfalsian Truth
Saint Sylvester
He is known by few names, prominently Sly. He has shown us the power of the Slyfalsian Truth and not asked for anything in return, only to be fed his daily dog food, table scraps, and water.

Saint Skipus the Skippity
The foremost advisor of Saint Sylvester
The Story of Saint Skipus the Skippity
One grand morning, the elderly couple that cares for Skipus decided to take a walk along a forest path, and Skipus followed them in hope of declaring more territory for himself and the Slyfalsian Truth. As he followed the couple marking many a tree, did he smell the Great Bear of the forest. The Great Bear was a fearsome beast indeed, for he led the Cult of the Deretrees, a heresy who claimed Sly was a bear, and that he wished the conquest of the world by bears. This was lunacy. The Great Bear then did attack the poor couple, and they would have perished if not for the heroic action of Saint Skipus. He then did drive the bear away with many bites and silent barks of the dismaying nature. Saint Skipus then gave chase to the defeated bear. When the bear did stop, he did not stop randomly. He stopped in a grove surrounded by great bushes of berries. He turned to face Saint Skipus, and then did many a bear come from all directions towards Saint Skipus. Skipus did not falter for he knew he had the power of the Slyfalsian Truth at his back. Before they fell upon him did he call on the power of Skipping he was so well known for. He skipped like he had never skipped before and he did make them fall upon each other like mentally challenged owls do fly into trees. As he faced the Great Bear he then skipped upon the great head of the bear and the Great Bear’s head did fall into his shoulders. The Great Bear was no more.
And that is how Skipus became known as Saint Skipus the Skippity.

Saint Mahatma the Glorious
O, how Mahatma is praised,
He who hath lived many a life,
For he is glorious,
For he saved us from strife,
He wishes not to be feared,
For he is notorious,
Among those who hate,
Those who only want what they do not deserve,
They shall not be abated,
They shall face fate,
No longer shall they persevere,
For they should be hated,
As Mahatma takes them away from this world!

Mahatma, oh he did defeat those who hated us, those who wished us to be gone from this world. He once was one of them but he realized how he was wrong. He told them the error of their ways, but nay they did not listen and did they cast him away.
He came to us, who suffered at their hands. He told them of those who only wish to be greedy, to take away what others owned. So we did raise an army under his banner!
We marched towards those who wished only to take. And soon would we take what was most dear to them. We prepared to fight, but nay did Mahatma say only to wait. He raised his arms in the sky and did the lightning not strike those who hate. They burned at the hands of the lightning, but not all were gone. He then did again raise his hands, and all who died from their hate did come back. They unleashed their vengeance upon those who hate. We waited. Those who had hated, hated no more.

Saint Salvorange
The Patron Saint of Food

O, one morning did I rouse,
I did look for my breakfast,
To find naught an orange in the house,
And I sure did browse,
For my dad did eat the last,
I then did look upon a mouse,
He did stare back,
An apple did he take,
And ho, he did turn it into an orange,
Oh did I think my mind was about to break,
And I ate and I ate,
For the mouse was St. Salvorange!

The Story of St. Salvorange
O, was there was mouse who did love his food. He would try to get whatever he could, but he rarely ate it for he loved to cook.
Salvorange was looking for an orange, but lo, did he live in the north. And the north hath no oranges on the trees. He was searching in an orchard and the orchard had only apples upon the trees. Till he saw a dog trapped under a fallen tree, so he did go to him. The dog could not talk, but begged with his eyes for help. Salvorange did try to save him, but he was just a mouse. He then did spring into action, for he hath no choice. He galloped to the farm house, as fast as he pleased. He did find the farmer, but his squeaks fell on deaf ears. He ran onto the farmer’s fork and thy farmer did try to kill that poor mouse. Salvorange did run like a tempest and the farmer, oh my, did he gave chase! They did run like the wind and the mouse was caught, but naught did it matter, for the farmer did find the dog. Salvorange stared as the farmer did save they dog. Salvorange was impaled on the fork and o, did he plead for his life.

Poor Salvorange did die, but then he saw the greatest thing in his life. He saw the light! The light then did speak, and speak it did! It spoke of what a magnificent mouse Salvorange was. And oh, was that mouse not proud. Soon the voice did speak again, and it spoke of what he would be. He would be the savior of food, the patron of cuisine, and the gourmet of goodies! And with that did ole Salvorange do but one thing, and he did fall into a slumber fit for a king.
Salvorange did wake, but lo, he was no longer impaled! He was in a hole, but this hole was not made of dirt, but silk it was.
For Salvorange is the Patron Saint of Food!

Saint Pooferdoodle the Indomitable
Pooferdoodle was but a mere puppy when did strife call at his door. The Cult of the Deretrees did take his brothers and sisters away to be slaves, in a land far away. So did Pooferdoodle did train till he was old enough to fight for his kin. He called upon the dogs, the mice, and all the faithful.
O, did they march a long way to see the enemies pay. They saw the great sea, and the Mountains of Caraway. Soon did they see what they sought, and the battle would not be a boon for the Cult.
The battle did start with much growling and hissing, as the foes did charge. Pooferdoodle did call upon The Slyfalsian truth for the power needed to banish those who took his kin away. And the power did flow through him as he ripped and bit through all who stood in his way. He met his brother mid way through the battle, but alas he was under the sway of the heresy that day. So did Pooferdoodle not bite him upon the leg, to only stop him from fighting, and the ploy did work. He continued on, slaying many a heretic that day. Soon the battle was won through sheer force of faith.
That night did the priests try, with all their might, to bring Pooferdoodle’s brother back to the right. But the heresy had taken over his life, and his life was, no more. Oh did Pooferdoodle mourn for his fallen kin. He cried many a night, but then did Sly, the savior himself, did appear in ole Poof’s dream. Sly told him to raise an army like no other that had ever been, to take back all he had lost from the loathsome Deretrees.
Soon did Pooferdoodle raise an army so large, that he could not command them all without divine intervention. So Sly did send Pooferdoodle a thousand and one, Angel of all who had been lost, because of the terrible Deretrees. They did rally his troops to be one magnificent force.
As they did march, so the Deretrees form an army to extinguish the enemy on the horizon. As the armies marched closer, so did the skies grow darker. This day would be a dark day, for foe and friend alike.
The righteous lined up prepared for an onslaught that would be sung of for many a generation. Then the armies did clash, and all was alive with the loud screaming of those who had no wish to die.
And did Sly come upon Pooferdoodle once more, and he did tell him to take a small force, round the back of the maelstrom, that was the battle that day. As the rain did poor, the elite did follow Poof to the rear, and they did charge straight into the leaders of the enemy. He saw his sister, but she was not her, no more. For she was the Hated One, the ruler of all the Deretrees, as she saw him she smiled a smile of pure hatred and cruelty. Poof was devastated by this terrible turn of fate. And she charged towards him with the speed of a cheetah, on pure crack cocaine. They did crash, and the battle hath truly begun. The growling was like thunder, and the blood like rain, as the field became a field of crimson. As Poof fought for his life, his sister did latch upon his throat and he felt his life eek out. Again did Sly appear and guided Poof once again, he told him to sink his teeth into her ear. So Poof did do that and his sister let go, for that was her Achilles heel. She did yowl in pure agony as here thrashes did ease, and soon she was naught but a corpse.

The sun did break from behind the clouds, and the battle was won for all that was right. Though sadly, did poor Pooferdoodle fall to the ground. His wounds were mortal, and there was not a thing to be done. Sly did appear once more, and he did mend poor Poof’s soul. Poof then leaped like a leper, and he did win that great fight for his life.
Yet, that was not all to be done that hellish day. Pooferdoodle then did find his last remaining kin. They were not under the sway, of the terrible hearsay. The crowds did embrace Pooferdoodle as the Indomitable he was, and that was how the meek little pup, did become Saint Pooferdoodle the Indomitable.

And so I have translated so far, that Sly is a dog, and he is illiterate, so I did have to revise of the errors that have happened.

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27-03-2012, 02:02 AM
RE: The Slyfalsian Truth
[Image: 76c0534a-45ac-48ab-b151-c0e1d451b8ea.jpg]

Welcome to science. You're gonna like it here - Phil Plait

Have you ever tried taking a comfort blanket away from a small child? - DLJ
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27-03-2012, 08:07 PM
RE: The Slyfalsian Truth
As you can tell my writing... has a multitude of errors. It is much more difficult to write a holy book than what I thought it would be. Not really the coming up with the ideas, but trying to make the book sound like a superior being created it. Hope everyone enjoyed so far what could be called the ramblings of a madman. Also, please tell me what you think of it so far.

~Insane Person

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27-03-2012, 09:24 PM
RE: The Slyfalsian Truth
HEY! What did I say about worshiping false idols!?

That's right. It's funny and amuses me greatly.

Twice the anger, Half the space!
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01-04-2012, 11:07 AM
RE: The Slyfalsian Truth
That ... is ... just ... fucking ... brilliant! Bowing ... And yes it is much better than The Collected Works of Egor.

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02-04-2012, 05:40 PM
RE: The Slyfalsian Truth
Was a little lax last week on the writing, but I am currently writing the book of sly. Will post it tomorrow probably.

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