The Wife
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
27-07-2015, 11:40 AM
RE: The Wife
Honestly I'd get out. You don't want someone like that.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Hobbitgirl's post
27-07-2015, 11:51 AM
RE: The Wife
(27-07-2015 11:38 AM)pablo Wrote:  
(27-07-2015 11:29 AM)jennybee Wrote:  Right, but he should also be patient with her. You can't drop an atheism bomb on a die hard believer and then be upset at their reaction to it. I just think it would be worth seeking counseling and talking about it rather than ending a marriage over fear and brainwashing. Some people are able to still have a rship despite someone's disbelief. Some can't--but I think if you love the person--you should still try.

He seems to be the only one being patient at all. From what I could tell, she issued an ultimatum and he backed down.
As far as her being die-hard, he said they don't even go to church. Her parents are, but she doesn't seem to be.

Maybe it is about perspective. During my time as a Christian--I knew several "die hard" Christians who did not regularly attend church services for one reason or another. I am not saying that it couldn't be that she was just looking for a reason to end the marriage--it definitely could be that as well. I'm just saying instead of being hurt by her statement--why not investigate it further--instead of simply saying, "I'm outta here." Especially since it could be something that scares her which caused her to make the statement in the first place.

Personally, I would like to be with someone who talked to me about things instead of just ending things abruptly because they may have been hurt by something I said during an argument (especially if I my reaction was out of being hurt by something they said).
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes jennybee's post
27-07-2015, 11:54 AM
RE: The Wife
(27-07-2015 11:39 AM)Thumpalumpacus Wrote:  
(27-07-2015 11:29 AM)jennybee Wrote:  Right, but he should also be patient with her. You can't drop an atheism bomb on a die hard believer and then be upset at their reaction to it. I just think it would be worth seeking counseling and talking about it rather than ending a marriage over fear and brainwashing. Some people are able to still have a rship despite someone's disbelief. Some can't--but I think if you love the person--you should still try.

Sure. That's exactly why I'm so cautious in these discussions, because I have no idea what will happen if my advice is made actionable. It doesn't sound to me like counseling would be an option given the wife's blunt statement of intent, but that could well be a mistaken reading on my part too.

Patience is almost always wise counsel in matters of the heart. I certainly wasn't advocating for 'Pulse to take this issue up with her. I suppose if I had any advice to offer at all it would be to go slowly and not make any rash decisions. Both parents have a responsibility to the children to try their damnedest to make their marriage work. Inviting a breakup with a premature conversation doesn't seem advisable to me.

There are two sides to every relationship.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes jennybee's post
27-07-2015, 11:59 AM
RE: The Wife
(27-07-2015 11:51 AM)jennybee Wrote:  
(27-07-2015 11:38 AM)pablo Wrote:  He seems to be the only one being patient at all. From what I could tell, she issued an ultimatum and he backed down.
As far as her being die-hard, he said they don't even go to church. Her parents are, but she doesn't seem to be.

Maybe it is about perspective. During my time as a Christian--I knew several "die hard" Christians who did not regularly attend church services for one reason or another. I am not saying that it couldn't be that she was just looking for a reason to end the marriage--it definitely could be that as well. I'm just saying instead of being hurt by her statement--why not investigate it further--instead of simply saying, "I'm outta here." Especially since it could be something that scares her which caused her to make the statement in the first place.

Personally, I would like to be with someone who talked to me about things instead of just ending things abruptly because they may have been hurt by something I said during an argument (especially if I my reaction was out of being hurt by something they said).

Which is what I said in my first comment, "I think at the very least I'd want to know more about that." I never suggested just dumping her, but finding what's going on with her. She seems awful quick to cut and run, yet he is the one who needs to slow down and be patient?
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
27-07-2015, 12:05 PM
RE: The Wife
(27-07-2015 11:59 AM)pablo Wrote:  
(27-07-2015 11:51 AM)jennybee Wrote:  Maybe it is about perspective. During my time as a Christian--I knew several "die hard" Christians who did not regularly attend church services for one reason or another. I am not saying that it couldn't be that she was just looking for a reason to end the marriage--it definitely could be that as well. I'm just saying instead of being hurt by her statement--why not investigate it further--instead of simply saying, "I'm outta here." Especially since it could be something that scares her which caused her to make the statement in the first place.

Personally, I would like to be with someone who talked to me about things instead of just ending things abruptly because they may have been hurt by something I said during an argument (especially if I my reaction was out of being hurt by something they said).

Which is what I said in my first comment, "I think at the very least I'd want to know more about that." I never suggested just dumping her, but finding what's going on with her. She seems awful quick to cut and run, yet he is the one who needs to slow down and be patient?

Her reaction is a typical reaction of a fearful Christian. I can see many Christians I know saying the same thing. When I was a Christian, I probably would have been scared and confused and upset. I don't think I would have said things the way his wife did (but everyone reacts to things differently). But I certainly would have felt like my world had just been turned upside down. Could her reaction be due to several other reasons instead of being religiously motivated--of course.

My point was that if it isi out of her being scared/hurt/confused/angry--then yes he needs to be the one who is patient with her. He was the one who dropped the bomb on her.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
27-07-2015, 01:28 PM
RE: The Wife
What a tough spot. Do you think your wife's family has somehow convinced her, emotionally, that atheists are basically immoral and worthless people, and that's why she reacted so disproportionately? It might be worth trying to raise the subject again at some point as a hypothetical to try to explore where she's coming from and if there are ways for the two of you to get around it.

The Christian thing about not being unequally yoked gets interpreted lots of different ways, but most of the ways I've seen involve avoiding getting married to a nonbeliever, not divorcing a spouse who has stopped believing. I'm sure some interpret it that way, though.

It is terrible to have to hide something like this, and I hope you can find a way to be honest with her and still keep the relationship strong.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes julep's post
27-07-2015, 01:31 PM
RE: The Wife
"My way or the highway". That's the first threat. When or what might be the next one? Her belief is that you are now probably possessed by Satan. It says that somewhere in the bible.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
27-07-2015, 02:20 PM
RE: The Wife
(27-07-2015 01:28 PM)julep Wrote:  What a tough spot. Do you think your wife's family has somehow convinced her, emotionally, that atheists are basically immoral and worthless people, and that's why she reacted so disproportionately? It might be worth trying to raise the subject again at some point as a hypothetical to try to explore where she's coming from and if there are ways for the two of you to get around it.

The Christian thing about not being unequally yoked gets interpreted lots of different ways, but most of the ways I've seen involve avoiding getting married to a nonbeliever, not divorcing a spouse who has stopped believing. I'm sure some interpret it that way, though.

It is terrible to have to hide something like this, and I hope you can find a way to be honest with her and still keep the relationship strong.

It does say in the Bible that you can continue to stay married to a nonbeliever. But I think for *some* Christians it runs deeper than that--especially if children are involved.

When I was a Christian, I was all about God. If I married a guy who was all about Jesus and then one day he told me he didn't believe anymore--I can honestly say, I think that would have shattered my entire world at the time. I would probably wonder if he was the same man I married. I would worry about my church and church community not accepting us. I would worry about how we were going to raise our kids. I would question where his morals were. I would question whether or not he would still want to be married to me. When you are a brainwashed, God fearing believer--right or wrong--this is how you think.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes jennybee's post
27-07-2015, 02:43 PM
RE: The Wife
(27-07-2015 02:20 PM)jennybee Wrote:  
(27-07-2015 01:28 PM)julep Wrote:  What a tough spot. Do you think your wife's family has somehow convinced her, emotionally, that atheists are basically immoral and worthless people, and that's why she reacted so disproportionately? It might be worth trying to raise the subject again at some point as a hypothetical to try to explore where she's coming from and if there are ways for the two of you to get around it.

The Christian thing about not being unequally yoked gets interpreted lots of different ways, but most of the ways I've seen involve avoiding getting married to a nonbeliever, not divorcing a spouse who has stopped believing. I'm sure some interpret it that way, though.

It is terrible to have to hide something like this, and I hope you can find a way to be honest with her and still keep the relationship strong.

It does say in the Bible that you can continue to stay married to a nonbeliever. But I think for *some* Christians it runs deeper than that--especially if children are involved.

When I was a Christian, I was all about God. If I married a guy who was all about Jesus and then one day he told me he didn't believe anymore--I can honestly say, I think that would have shattered my entire world at the time. I would probably wonder if he was the same man I married. I would worry about my church and church community not accepting us. I would worry about how we were going to raise our kids. I would question where his morals were. I would question whether or not he would still want to be married to me. When you are a brainwashed, God fearing believer--right or wrong--this is how you think.

I've been in that mindset, too, and know how messed up it is.

I think some of the emotional drivers of her reaction are based on assumptions that, once teased out and voiced, can be recognized as false, and that can defuse the situation. She may have made the assumption that people who don't believe in god do so because they are evil or want to be immoral. His wife knows that she married a good guy and he hasn't suddenly become "bad." He isn't out robbing banks and killing people, he's still taking care of the kids, working at his job, etc. If she realizes that she has this assumption in the course of having a conversation, and then examines it and finds that it's false, that could make her reconsider.

I have to say also that if my atheist husband converted to evangelical Christianity, I would also be feeling upset and wondering what had happened to the man I married. I don't think we'd break up, but it would be a trying time as the relationship adjusted.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes julep's post
27-07-2015, 02:54 PM
RE: The Wife
(27-07-2015 11:54 AM)jennybee Wrote:  
(27-07-2015 11:39 AM)Thumpalumpacus Wrote:  Sure. That's exactly why I'm so cautious in these discussions, because I have no idea what will happen if my advice is made actionable. It doesn't sound to me like counseling would be an option given the wife's blunt statement of intent, but that could well be a mistaken reading on my part too.

Patience is almost always wise counsel in matters of the heart. I certainly wasn't advocating for 'Pulse to take this issue up with her. I suppose if I had any advice to offer at all it would be to go slowly and not make any rash decisions. Both parents have a responsibility to the children to try their damnedest to make their marriage work. Inviting a breakup with a premature conversation doesn't seem advisable to me.

There are two sides to every relationship.

Indeed, you well know my agreement with that point.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Thumpalumpacus's post
Post Reply
Forum Jump: