RE: The crap I bought into...
(08-02-2013 12:15 PM)Escape Artist Wrote: I don't know if it's a matter of simply personality or
whether this is due to my Christian upbringing, but I feel like, while
growing up, I accepted so many things at face value because "Why would
someone lie?" So I accepted just about everything that was thrown my
way, whether by media or the church: Men are always and only about sex;
girls only have sex because they want a ring on their finger or some
such other stamp of social approval, never because they actually - gasp!
- enjoy it!; and the list goes on.
It seems like I was particularly vulnerable to these messages as they
pertained to gender roles. I grew up thinking I was some kind of freak
because I happened to be a girl who was very interested in sex. At the
same time, I felt special because of it. I felt like a guy trapped in a
girl's body. I felt like God's gift to men because I wanted the same
things they did, related more to them in a lot of ways. Weird shit.
I tend to believe my worth lies mostly in my sexuality, so when anything
comes along that threatens it, I panic and feel worthless. The thought
of growing old bothers me not because I'd be fast approaching death, but
because maybe no one would want to have sex with me, and if I'm not a
sexual person, I'm not a person at all. Not a woman. It's nonsense when I
try to look at it rationally, but it's how I feel.
It's almost like the uber-supression of sexuality in the church
environment I grew up in somehow made me hyper-sexual. It seems so dumb
now that I thought of myself as special just because I enjoy sex (b/c
when I think of it logically, if most of us weren't enjoying sex, our
species wouldn't have made it this far), and I feel like such a naive
little fuck in every possible way.
I've constantly felt that way, that people secretly laugh at me
for being so damn gullible, but on the other hand I don't want to become
the kind of person who doubts anything and everything (or everyone)
that comes their way. For example, I want to believe that people are
good at heart and have great potential, but too often that ends up
hurting me. I trust people before they've earned it.
I want to figure out how I can overcome all these stereotypes and things
that I bought into. Like, I want to stop looking at a man as just a sexual object, knowing
within about 5.2 seconds whether I'd do him or not. Want to stop looking
at the opposite sex as only useful to me if I've the potential to go to
bed with them. Want to stop this stupid urge I have to be
overtly-sexual in front of them. Want to stop being friendly toward them
just because, later on down the road, I might just go to bed with them.
I want to be friends with a woman and not constantly second-guess her
motives (because women only ever do things for ulterior motives, don't
you know, and so you can't ever trust them). For example, I'd set up of a
co-worker of mine with my brother and when things didn't work out
between them (there wasn't a spark on her part, I guess) she said we
should go out again. I was confused and thought she'd changed her mind
about my brother, but that wasn't the case. She just wanted to go out
for drinks with me. Me! I wanted to ask her if she was sure. It all
seemed normal enough when I thought she might be interested in dating my
brother but the thought of her just wanting to hang out with me, just because, was a revelation. I couldn't believe it.
I hate feeling like such a damn user. Sure, I'm an introvert so I have a
small circle of people I'd consider friends because I don't want to
spread my energy too thin, and also I figure I'm limiting human damage
by keeping myself to myself. I feel like a sexist, misogynistic bitch
and I don't know what to do about it.
And I wonder, am I so self-centered because at one point I thought God
made all this stuff for, you know, me? Because I'm so speshul? Or am I
just wired this way? It sometimes feels like there's no way I could
overcome all this garbage or move past it. I've had these mentalities
for over twenty years.
Can anyone relate or make any sense of this post? I hope so, because I'm
not making much sense even to myself right now. Feeling very emotional
and distraught about all of it these days.
Oh, and apologies for being gone for so long (don't know how long it's
been since I last posted) - I've had a bunch of personal junk going on.
Told my husband I wanted a divorce and now he's treating me like a
princess so I'm muy confused.
As for the accepting new information part you might want to take a look at this.
And remember with every new claim, you should investigate it. Get to the source of the information and judge for your self.
However seeing your own worth through the act of sex probably needs some help that I can not offer.
So here is a resource.
Member of the Cult of Reason
The atheist is a man who destroys the imaginary things which afflict the human race, and so leads men back to nature, to experience and to reason.