The offensive jokes thread

[Atothetheist]

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I love you as much

As Mel Gibson loves Jews.

[FSM_scot]

As my spunk dribbled down my girlfriend's chin, I looked her in the eyes and said, "Do you like that?"

"No," she replied, "What the fuck is in this sandwich?"


Can't believe they've made a Taken 2...
Liam Neeson must be an even worse father than Gerry McCann.

[FSM_scot]

If you burn a Koran, a Muslim may burn your house down.

Jokes on him, my house is full of Korans.    


If I was a suicide bomber, I'd put a light hearted spin on things by asking someone to pull my finger beforehand.

[Vosur]

Why do black people and mexicans never marry?

They are worried that their children would be too lazy to steal.

-

Alice: Sex yesterday was like the 100m Olympics.
Thomas: Why? Did it only last 9 seconds?
Alice: No, 8 black guys and a gun.

[bemore]

What sits in the corner getting smaller and smaller???

A baby combing its hair with a potato peeler.

[Luminon]

I just got an idea for a new amateur film on Youtube. It would be called "Arabian Fights" or perhaps "Ali Baba and the 4 000 000 000 Infidels".

[Misanthropik]

(23-09-2012 12:14 PM)Luminon Wrote:  I just got an idea for a new amateur film on Youtube. It would be called "Arabian Fights" or perhaps "Ali Baba and the 4 000 000 000 Infidels".

Quite possibly the only joke here that might ACTUALLY start an international crisis.

[Vosur]

Why I fired my secretary:

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.

Apparently masturbation is good for you - really, it is! Sexual relief releases a chemical substance which stimulates the brain, and in effect is a natural anti-depressant. Scientific researchers reckon that if a person were to masturbate every two hours, he would never feel depressed.

So, that got me thinking... Mormons are always really happy, upbeat, and jolly people. This tends to prove what we have known all along: they are all a bunch of wankers.

-

Why don't Catholics use condoms?

Because little boys can't get pregnant.

-

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

-

Statistically 9/11 Americans won't get this.

-

I'm not racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

-

This girl told me that she wouldn't sleep with me if I was the last person on Earth.

If I was the last person on Earth, she wouldn't have a choice in the matter.

-

My girlfriend is a porn star.

She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.

[FSM_scot]

Scottish insults:
(For the benefit of non Scots, fanny = vagina)
She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back

Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan

Had more hands up her than Sooty!

She's got a face like a dog lickin piss off a nettle

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!

She's got a face that could make an onion cry.

I wouldn't ride her into battle.

Everyone has a right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilege

I wouldn't do her with a rusty pole

Mair chins than a Chinese phone book

She smells like an alkies carpet

She has seen more japseyes than an oriental optician

It's like shaggin a pail of water.

It's like shaggin the sleeve off a wizards cloak!

she's killed more cocks than a fowl butcher

Fanny like a ripped out fireplace

Face like a sand blasted tomato

Arse like a bag of washing

She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant

She's seen more helmets than Hitler

Face like a stuntman's knee

She's got a fanny like a badly packed kebab

Like opening the window and shagging the night

She's seen more cockends than weekends

A left her with a face like a painter's radio

Fanny like a clown's pocket

Fanny like a Hippo's yawn

She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out

I bet she's got a fanny like a pub carpet

More pricks than a second hand dartboard.

Face like a blind joiners thumb

She's done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew

She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo

Even the tide wouldn't take her out

Got more finger prints on her than Scotland Yard

Handled more balls than Dino Zoff

Pish flaps like John Wayne's saddle bags

She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout

A cunt like a burst couch

A face like she's been ram raiding on scooters

She's had more seamen than Saltcoats

She's seen more stiffs than Quincy !

She's seen more cokes than a bottle of Bacardi!

Cocked more times than Elmer Fudd's shotgun

[frankiej]

Some classics in there.