The other Mother-in-law...
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29-05-2014, 09:20 AM
The other Mother-in-law...
I'll try to condense this to the essentials.

A young couple is getting married. One of them was raised Catholic but isn't still practicing.

His family has a sense of which way the wind is blowing and there has been some fuss about the ceremony, which the couple agrees will not be Catholic.

They have been living together in our house for over a year. Not in separate rooms, though his family thinks so.

After a fair amount of hollering between the bride and her future mil, the bride has agreed to a ceremony in a church before (weeks before) the wedding they have planned, with no guests but the grooms parents. (We are not boycotting it, they just don't want us at that one. Fine by us. )

Now, it's the choice of the bride and groom and we will not interfere. But here's the thing: if I read canon law correctly, this wedding isn't even valid in the church for the following reasons.

1) they are "living in sin." If he doesn't confess it, and do penance, he's doing the ceremony not in a "state of grace."

2) they are going to lie through their teeth to get the dispensation needed for a catholic to marry an un-baptized person.

Their logic is that it's mumbo jumbo anyway, so who cares? We are staying out of it other than raising one big question: are you ready for the rest of MIL's plans for your future? Because sure as I'm writing this, now that "God performed a miracle" (direct quote) and got the kids to have the church ceremony, "God" is going to get busy getting both of them into the church and any children they have as well.

Understand, this is not mud-flinging or speculation. This woman not only was going to boycott the wedding planned by the couple, she made veiled references to suicide. (She won't. It's a huge sin for one thing. But she is willing to pant that seed in the minds of others as leverage.)

I don't know why I'm writing all this except to get it off my chest. If the kids WANTED this other ceremony, or for that matter if they wanted a huge church wedding, we wouldn't be able to relate, but we'd go. They are employed, reliable, over 21 and it's up to them. Oh wait, no it isn't. They are doing this but not because they want it.

I wish they'd draw the line. They think they can do it after this, once she's mollified, but that's a bad bet. I wish I could call her up and share some facts that are listed here. Like the lying to the bishop thing. And just because I'm perverse, the item about them living under our roof in the same room. (Which of course we allow. Who besides this woman even cares?)

But I'm not going to. It wouldn't do any good. We, the other in laws, have vowed to behave till the legal ceremony. (At least the catholic one won't be the legal one. Mil needs to know that as well, but again, can't do that.)

Thanks for reading. The steam is still coming out of my ears but this too shall pass. It's been months of this. This post doesn't contain the half of it
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29-05-2014, 09:41 AM
RE: The other Mother-in-law...
My MIL isn't Catholic....but I completely understand.

My husband recently got the email from his dad with " we are concerned about your role as the spiritual leader of your family, we are praying for you. We wanted to bring up during our visit but didn't because......( your wife will call us out on it)......" blah, blah, blah.

After 15 years of dealing with psycho religious inlaws, I wish I could tell the newlyweds to stand their ground before the wedding. It will only get worse.

buy them tickets to Vegas to elope a day before their Catholic wedding Big Grin..........a secret wedding at the courthouse.....it could be their little bomb to drop later on the MIL.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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29-05-2014, 09:55 AM
RE: The other Mother-in-law...
So, they haven't grown up yet and they're getting married? That's stupid. They should just live together... at least until they're like 28 or 30. Dodgy

By "haven't grown up" ... I refer to this couple giving someone outside their partnership any sway in their decisions as a couple. It's not just about religion... it's the entire relationship.

It's their life and their partnership... they need to be happy with each other and no one else.

Pretty fucking irresponsible of that Mom to not chew off that umbilical cord... irresponsible or manipulative. Probably both. Dodgy

Unfortunately, if these kids can't get a grip on this kind of outside meddling, they may not be able to withstand the really tough issues that can come down the road.

Sad to say it but it's easy to see them on the way to becoming a statistic. You're right to vent. Shy

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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29-05-2014, 10:00 AM
RE: The other Mother-in-law...
Canon law aside...

In the family's eyes they will be married -- that's what matters. Angel

Long term really really really...it's on the son to set the boundaries. If she (bride) tries to set them after the marriage, she will be forever the bitch that stepped between mother and son. And the mother in law will continue to undermine.

The church wedding is small price as long as the son steps up later -- not in a disrespectful way but in a firm way.

My mother in law used to call the house 5x a day (i'm sooooo not kidding) -- Husband got her down to ONCE and that was the best we could ever manage. We've been married nearly 26 years.

Thank goodness for text messages because now she just sends a text.

Going back..When our first was born...she put the screws in about the whole baptism thing. We went rogue and picked people to god parents OUTSIDE Gasp the family so none of the cousins came to the christening. More fun without them.

The second kid, we refused to christen all together. She really backed down without issue.


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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29-05-2014, 10:02 AM
RE: The other Mother-in-law...
(29-05-2014 09:41 AM)Bows and Arrows Wrote:  My MIL isn't Catholic....but I completely understand.

My husband recently got the email from his dad with " we are concerned about your role as the spiritual leader of your family, we are praying for you. We wanted to bring up during our visit but didn't because......( your wife will call us out on it)......" blah, blah, blah.

After 15 years of dealing with psycho religious inlaws, I wish I could tell the newlyweds to stand their ground before the wedding. It will only get worse.

buy them tickets to Vegas to elope a day before their Catholic wedding Big Grin..........a secret wedding at the courthouse.....it could be their little bomb to drop later on the MIL.

If they would elope, we would write them a check for everything we get back from the deposit on the wedding they DO want. I'd give them twice that just for standing up as adults. You wanna get married? Welcome to being grown up.

It's pretty clear that how mil has them by the short hairs is that our bride, though very together in many ways, is so fixated on not having the wedding "ruined" by the absence of the groom's family that she's folding up when she should be playing offense. "You aren't coming to the wedding? What a shame. Let us know if you change your mind."

They really think they can control her, whereas she just played them like a champ. And she will sneak any grand kids off to the church for baptism if they leave her alone with them.

Nice to know we aren't alone on this. It's so tough cause we are the big bad free-thinkers who are assumed to be hostile to religion. I need to emphasize, THAT is not the problem. It's the coercion and the kids falling for it and thinking they've out-foxed her.

I don't want to say "I told you so" down the line. That will not make me feel I've won some sort of contest. Better this doesn't happen. But what can we do?
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29-05-2014, 10:16 AM
RE: The other Mother-in-law...
(29-05-2014 10:02 AM)Runrunrun Wrote:  But what can we do?

Kill the Mother in law. Shy

Just thinking out loud, here. I probably need more coffee, huh? Drinking Beverage

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29-05-2014, 10:18 AM
RE: The other Mother-in-law...
(29-05-2014 10:02 AM)Runrunrun Wrote:  
(29-05-2014 09:41 AM)Bows and Arrows Wrote:  My MIL isn't Catholic....but I completely understand.

My husband recently got the email from his dad with " we are concerned about your role as the spiritual leader of your family, we are praying for you. We wanted to bring up during our visit but didn't because......( your wife will call us out on it)......" blah, blah, blah.

After 15 years of dealing with psycho religious inlaws, I wish I could tell the newlyweds to stand their ground before the wedding. It will only get worse.

buy them tickets to Vegas to elope a day before their Catholic wedding Big Grin..........a secret wedding at the courthouse.....it could be their little bomb to drop later on the MIL.

If they would elope, we would write them a check for everything we get back from the deposit on the wedding they DO want. I'd give them twice that just for standing up as adults. You wanna get married? Welcome to being grown up.

It's pretty clear that how mil has them by the short hairs is that our bride, though very together in many ways, is so fixated on not having the wedding "ruined" by the absence of the groom's family that she's folding up when she should be playing offense. "You aren't coming to the wedding? What a shame. Let us know if you change your mind."

They really think they can control her, whereas she just played them like a champ. And she will sneak any grand kids off to the church for baptism if they leave her alone with them.

Nice to know we aren't alone on this. It's so tough cause we are the big bad free-thinkers who are assumed to be hostile to religion. I need to emphasize, THAT is not the problem. It's the coercion and the kids falling for it and thinking they've out-foxed her.

I don't want to say "I told you so" down the line. That will not make me feel I've won some sort of contest. Better this doesn't happen. But what can we do?

Here's the issue with your thinking...It shouldn't be on the bride to say to her future mother in law, "You aren't coming to the wedding? What a shame. Let us know if you change your mind," that should come from the groom.

And to be honest, how do you know where the groom's thoughts lie? He is probably thinking that he can stand beside both his mom and future bride and it will all work out...I'm sure he wants his parents at the wedding. My husband certainly wanted his parents and family to be at our wedding. I was the one who really didn't want my family there at all..but..ya...because we did the wedding thing...they had to be included. Honestly, if we could go back in time....there isn't a lot we'd change about that day. I think the only thing we would change is opting for a much shorter wedding ceremony and less time taking pictures at the reception.

Eventually all the stepping up where his mother is concerned will have to come from him. Because otherwise she's the bad guy...The villain --- and it's a battle she will never, ever win.


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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29-05-2014, 10:29 AM
RE: The other Mother-in-law...
I agree with Moms. It needs to come from the groom, and be firm. That's the problem I have. My husband is still making excuses for his parents or doesn't see the issue the way I do (after 14 years of marriage, but I digress). Lucky for me they only show up once a year, sometimes 2 years, but they bring a storm of drama with them every single time.

I think if my husband would just stand up to them once, firmly, it would stop. But he's a peace keeper rather than a boundaries guy.

I think he is beginning to realize it, especially after some long talks with his sisters, but doesn't want to upset the elderly. Dodgy

I will forever be the bitch of the family.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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29-05-2014, 11:31 AM
RE: The other Mother-in-law...
(29-05-2014 10:29 AM)Bows and Arrows Wrote:  I agree with Moms. It needs to come from the groom, and be firm.

I might agree to a certain extent but I also think the woman needs to stand up to this buttinsky. Again, this has nothing to do with religion. This is about a couple... there is no third person in a couple.

This person has already had her chance at a relationship; fuck her. These young people should have their chance to create their own lives in the manner they see fit.

This woman needs to be told to piss off and it needs to come from both of them... together. A concerted effort. It may very well be the first real, solid thing they do as a couple. They need to make that stand.

Oh she'll be all pissy about it... she'll try for years to drag them into the guilt trips and whatnot. Suicide? Hey, whichever way that might go... I'd consider it mission accomplished. Dodgy If she's determined to make someone suffer, might as well be her.

The only possible reason to abide by this meddling person's wishes is, if she has a terminal illness and this decision is the basis to will them a shit ton of money. Other than that, she needs to fuck off. Shy

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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29-05-2014, 12:14 PM
RE: The other Mother-in-law...
I see what you are saying Kim, but there also has to be a 'cutting of the apron strings'.

My Dad would always bitch about how my brother was always being jerked around by my SIL. "She makes him take the kids here, and there, and back again. Then he's got to this, that and the other." She always makes him do _________. When in reality, my brother chose to be a hands on Dad to his kids and he loved hauling the kids to their games, cheering them on, taking them to sport practice, and lessons and going to their plays at school etc.

If my brother would have just once said 'I do it because I choose to, because I want to spend time with my kids and not because my wife "makes me do it"' it would have made a difference. But my SIL saying that to my Dad wouldn't have convinced him, its a message that has to come from the adult child to their crazy parent.

Once that message is delivered, everything else is a 'couple decision'.


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