The other Mother-in-law...
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29-05-2014, 12:31 PM
RE: The other Mother-in-law...
(29-05-2014 10:18 AM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  
(29-05-2014 10:02 AM)Runrunrun Wrote:  If they would elope, we would write them a check for everything we get back from the deposit on the wedding they DO want. I'd give them twice that just for standing up as adults. You wanna get married? Welcome to being grown up.

It's pretty clear that how mil has them by the short hairs is that our bride, though very together in many ways, is so fixated on not having the wedding "ruined" by the absence of the groom's family that she's folding up when she should be playing offense. "You aren't coming to the wedding? What a shame. Let us know if you change your mind."

They really think they can control her, whereas she just played them like a champ. And she will sneak any grand kids off to the church for baptism if they leave her alone with them.

Nice to know we aren't alone on this. It's so tough cause we are the big bad free-thinkers who are assumed to be hostile to religion. I need to emphasize, THAT is not the problem. It's the coercion and the kids falling for it and thinking they've out-foxed her.

I don't want to say "I told you so" down the line. That will not make me feel I've won some sort of contest. Better this doesn't happen. But what can we do?

Here's the issue with your thinking...It shouldn't be on the bride to say to her future mother in law, "You aren't coming to the wedding? What a shame. Let us know if you change your mind," that should come from the groom.

And to be honest, how do you know where the groom's thoughts lie? He is probably thinking that he can stand beside both his mom and future bride and it will all work out...I'm sure he wants his parents at the wedding. My husband certainly wanted his parents and family to be at our wedding. I was the one who really didn't want my family there at all..but..ya...because we did the wedding thing...they had to be included. Honestly, if we could go back in time....there isn't a lot we'd change about that day. I think the only thing we would change is opting for a much shorter wedding ceremony and less time taking pictures at the reception.

Eventually all the stepping up where his mother is concerned will have to come from him. Because otherwise she's the bad guy...The villain --- and it's a battle she will never, ever win.

It would be nice if he stepped up. He had left the church for all intents and purposes and can't just say so to his mom. And they both think they want the parents there.

If they thought about it a little more, though, do you want people at your wedding who refer to it as "scandal?" Do you want to have a separate wedding for those people that to you is a joke?

No, they don't have the guts to say his parents are invited to the one, legal wedding that will take place and it's up to them if they come. And that's a lot to expect of anyone. Take the occasion of your wedding to break with your family.

But the other option is having them as arbiters of everything from here in out.
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29-05-2014, 12:48 PM
RE: The other Mother-in-law...
Ah - so it is the boy's Mother... I didn't get that.

Hmm... Consider she's obviously dominated his life ... he does need to tell her it is his life she's been fucking up and it must stop, especially now that he's married. He should tell her she needs counseling and to try to get it before the wedding because there's only going to be one and she won't want to miss it. Drinking Beverage

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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29-05-2014, 01:41 PM
RE: The other Mother-in-law...
(29-05-2014 12:31 PM)Runrunrun Wrote:  
(29-05-2014 10:18 AM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  Here's the issue with your thinking...It shouldn't be on the bride to say to her future mother in law, "You aren't coming to the wedding? What a shame. Let us know if you change your mind," that should come from the groom.

And to be honest, how do you know where the groom's thoughts lie? He is probably thinking that he can stand beside both his mom and future bride and it will all work out...I'm sure he wants his parents at the wedding. My husband certainly wanted his parents and family to be at our wedding. I was the one who really didn't want my family there at all..but..ya...because we did the wedding thing...they had to be included. Honestly, if we could go back in time....there isn't a lot we'd change about that day. I think the only thing we would change is opting for a much shorter wedding ceremony and less time taking pictures at the reception.

Eventually all the stepping up where his mother is concerned will have to come from him. Because otherwise she's the bad guy...The villain --- and it's a battle she will never, ever win.

It would be nice if he stepped up. He had left the church for all intents and purposes and can't just say so to his mom. And they both think they want the parents there.

If they thought about it a little more, though, do you want people at your wedding who refer to it as "scandal?" Do you want to have a separate wedding for those people that to you is a joke?

No, they don't have the guts to say his parents are invited to the one, legal wedding that will take place and it's up to them if they come. And that's a lot to expect of anyone. Take the occasion of your wedding to break with your family.

But the other option is having them as arbiters of everything from here in out.

Most people I know don't over think weddings or wonder if the couple is really having sex or anything. They're just happy to witness the event. Sure some might think its good they're doing the right thing. As far as scandal goes, confessions are private. Not even the priest isn't completely sure who is in the confessional if they aren't regular members.

It's fine they have left the church, but it also doesn't require a huge announcement either.

Relationships and family dynamics are rarely simple.


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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30-05-2014, 06:04 AM
RE: The other Mother-in-law...
They wouldn't be trying to make a huge announcement that he has left the church. If not forced to choose between a boycott or a separate catholic ceremony they'd just get married once. The wedding they have been planning.

Even the groom's grand mother doesn't care if it's a church wedding. Nobody cares but mil, but once she lays down the law then no one in the family dares attend.

So these kids need to decide if they are getting sucked into that group of people who cower when she has a tantrum. They believe they can "give her this one thing" and defang her. In fact, they are creating an even bigger monster.
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30-05-2014, 06:45 AM
RE: The other Mother-in-law...
Maybe a thoughtful series of questions ( Socratic Method) could help them see things differently.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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30-05-2014, 08:22 AM
RE: The other Mother-in-law...
(30-05-2014 06:45 AM)Bows and Arrows Wrote:  Maybe a thoughtful series of questions ( Socratic Method) could help them see things differently.

The series of questions around what they are going to do when the rest of the camel follows the nose they've allowed into the tent went no where.

"Oh she knows not to ask for anything like this again." No. She knows not to mess up the win she just got by informing you that you will have no peace if you don't baptize your kids. Your boundary and her perception of your boundary are not the same thing.

Mil attended a counseling session with the kids and flat out lied to them, claiming I said they had "never considered a catholic wedding." (This was before they decided on the secret, non legal, non sacramental ceremony).

She got called on that one instantly, but this is someone who, for all her carrying on about "moral relativism," (I personally got a big earful on that subject) doesn't think twice about lying if she feels like it and she thinks it will help her.

Doesn't God have a policy on lying? I know I'm a lost soul but making shit up wholesale at the potential expense of someone else in order to try to coerce something out of some other folks...? Maybe I should join a church. Be a dishonest person, say I'm sorry in confession, rinse repeat. Much easier than taking responsibility for your own integrity.
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30-05-2014, 08:45 AM
RE: The other Mother-in-law...
Oh I should give this update. I wrote the groom yesterday and told him that one voice that hasn't been heard in all this is his and I'd like to hear his perspective, whatever it might be.

I said if he and the bride really wanted a catholic wedding that we would respect that and attend.

Then I said "if you wanted to elope, we'd give you whatever we can get back from the deposit."

No answer yet.
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30-05-2014, 08:51 AM
RE: The other Mother-in-law...
(30-05-2014 08:22 AM)Runrunrun Wrote:  
(30-05-2014 06:45 AM)Bows and Arrows Wrote:  Maybe a thoughtful series of questions ( Socratic Method) could help them see things differently.

The series of questions around what they are going to do when the rest of the camel follows the nose they've allowed into the tent went no where.

"Oh she knows not to ask for anything like this again." No. She knows not to mess up the win she just got by informing you that you will have no peace if you don't baptize your kids. Your boundary and her perception of your boundary are not the same thing.

Mil attended a counseling session with the kids and flat out lied to them, claiming I said they had "never considered a catholic wedding." (This was before they decided on the secret, non legal, non sacramental ceremony).

She got called on that one instantly, but this is someone who, for all her carrying on about "moral relativism," (I personally got a big earful on that subject) doesn't think twice about lying if she feels like it and she thinks it will help her.

Doesn't God have a policy on lying? I know I'm a lost soul but making shit up wholesale at the potential expense of someone else in order to try to coerce something out of some other folks...? Maybe I should join a church. Be a dishonest person, say I'm sorry in confession, rinse repeat. Much easier than taking responsibility for your own integrity.

well....maybe they just need to learn this lesson the hard way, by getting burned by MIL. The good news is that experience is a wonderful teacher, and those lessons tend to stick in the long run.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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30-05-2014, 08:54 AM
RE: The other Mother-in-law...
"well....maybe they just need to learn this lesson the hard way, by getting burned by MIL. The good news is that experience is a wonderful teacher, and those lessons tend to ..."

Agreed. Nothing else to do but hope for the best
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30-05-2014, 09:39 AM
RE: The other Mother-in-law...
So, when is uh ... the first? ritual? Blink And when is the legally binding, actual ritual to take place?

Consider Might I suggest one last concession ...?
If they go through with this catholic ritual, then it's only proper the Mother in law be requested not to attend the actual marriage nor the reception party nor contact the couple (or inlaws) at any time during the following year. It's not cruel; she has her church to keep her company.

Yep... I'm going there: restraining order follows catholic ritual - that's the deal to make.
A well written restraining order can not only save your life, it can save your marriage. Angel I think this should be a standard practice in fact, I'm surprised the catholic church doesn't have it's own legal department distributing them weekly!

I hope the boy grows a set and tells her to shut the fuck up. Hey, miracles happen... I've heard. Drinking Beverage uh huh.

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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