The pope quit.
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13-02-2013, 03:41 AM
RE: The pope quit.
(13-02-2013 03:33 AM)Vera Wrote:  
(13-02-2013 03:25 AM)EvolutionKills Wrote:  What? You can make fun of yourself for being a girl, but I can't make fun of you for being... a girl?
Fun being the operative word here. [Image: yawn-new.gif]

...
...
.....

I quit...

Oh well, I heard that a position just opened up at the Vatican, maybe I should apply? I figure that presiding over an army of indoctrinated virgins has to be easier than attempting to understand women. Because if there is one thing the Church doesn't understand, it's women... Consider

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13-02-2013, 06:41 AM
RE: The pope quit.
(13-02-2013 03:41 AM)EvolutionKills Wrote:  
(13-02-2013 03:33 AM)Vera Wrote:  Fun being the operative word here. [Image: yawn-new.gif]

...
...
.....

I quit...

Oh well, I heard that a position just opened up at the Vatican, maybe I should apply? I figure that presiding over an army of indoctrinated virgins has to be easier than attempting to understand women. Because if there is one thing the Church doesn't understand, it's women... Consider


Sure they do. Women are the source of original sin, they're unclean, they're temptresses, they are unworthy, and they can't think or decide for themselves.
What's so hard to understand? Dodgy

Skepticism is not a position; it is an approach to claims.
Science is not a subject, but a method.
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13-02-2013, 06:45 AM
RE: The pope quit.
(13-02-2013 06:41 AM)Chas Wrote:  Sure they do. Women are the source of original sin, they're unclean, they're temptresses, they are unworthy, and they can't think or decide for themselves.
What's so hard to understand? Dodgy
You forgot fickle, moody, insisting that they are always right, insecure and illogical.

Simply put - a big walking cliché with lady parts.

"E se non passa la tristezza con altri occhi la guarderò."
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14-02-2013, 06:27 AM
RE: The pope quit.
To: The Vatican (HR Department)
Name: Dean Burnett
Date: 11-02-2013
Reference: Vacancy CCLXVI ('Pope')
CV: [Attached]
PERSONAL STATEMENT IN SUPPORT OF APPLICATION: See below
Dear Sir/Madam/Holy Ghost
I am very interested in applying for the recently announced vacancy for the position of pope. I am sure you've received many applications already,
but I believe I would make an excellent candidate for the role as I
could bring innovative new approaches and help increase diversity, which
would have the effect of both motivating those involved in and
enhancing the reputation of the organisation (i.e. The Catholic Church).
I
have read the job description and although I admittedly do not meet all
the specified essential criteria for the role (e.g. I do not regularly
commune with God or any other unspecified deity) I feel that my
strengths in other areas more than make up for my lack of direct
experience.
Although I am not a practising member of the Catholic
(or any other) Church, I am a qualified and enthusiastic scientist. I
believe this makes me an ideal choice for the next pope, for a number of
reasons. For example, I have had many jobs where it is compulsory to
wear a white coat, and the wearing of long white garments appears to be
the main duty of the pope. I also regularly lecture on the subject of
neuroscience, so am extensively experienced at speaking in an unfamiliar
language to rooms full of people who are struggling to stay awake, so
it would be no trouble for me to offer Masswhenever required.
I am not a cardinal, but a recent check of my wallet reveals that I still have a membership cards for both GAME, Blockbuster Video and MVC, showing that I am clearly dedicated to declining institutions and have a robust if unrealistic belief in resurrection.
As
an atheist scientist I cannot claim to be in regular contact with God
per se, but I have regularly encountered professors with equivalent
levels of power and influence who demand unquestioning obedience from
those who serve them, so feel this has provided me with equivalent
professional experience required for the position.
As a scientist
pope, I could bring an element of rationalism and logic to the Catholic
Church, which would better equip it to survive in more modern,
enlightened times. I could provide numerous plausible-sounding theories
as to the origins of the universe, life, evolution, human consciousness
and any other area that the Church feels it should have influence over.
Whereas most scientists require evidence and peer review before their
theories can be accepted, my being the pope would mean I was infallible
so I wouldn't have to go through this process; the simple act of me
saying it would mean it is accepted by many as fact. This is a privilege
enjoyed by only a few scientists, and one I definitely wouldn't abuse, scouts honour!
I have performed a number of miracles in recent years. For example, I have managed to sustain a career in science in present circumstances, despite having very few notable publications to my name and a disastrous history of high-profile embarrassments.
I
have managed to remain in my post despite these numerous blunders, so I
would be able to bring this experience to my duties as pope. I can also
turn water into wine, which is viewed as more of a "classic" miracle.
It takes some time as it involves me pouring the water onto grapevines
before growing, picking, sorting, crushing, fermenting, maturing,
bottling and selling. But overall, it's definitely water being turned into wine. With Science! (Unless that doesn't count as a miracle, in which case it's clearly magic).
I
am not presently celibate, but as a teenager who was a big science fan
with terrible acne, I am very familiar with the concept. I am also not a
homosexual, as that would obviously exclude me from the role (NB. In
the interests of transparency, I did once suck a penis, but I didn't inhale so it doesn't count). At the last count, I also have the required number of testicles to be pope(at least two). I also have experience with covering up crimes.
I
believe these qualities and more make me an ideal candidate for the
position, so I hope you will consider my application seriously. I
realise the vacancy is somewhat above my pay grade, but I am looking for
a higher paying position as I need money to provide for my family … I
mean buy condoms … I mean jewels.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Vestrum fideliter
Dean Burnett
P.S. What's the pension scheme like?



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17-02-2013, 02:54 AM
RE: The pope quit.
(11-02-2013 08:13 AM)Ghost Wrote:  A little cynical, don't you think? An 85 year old man too ill to even travel safely anymore steps down and it's all fireworks and back flips? I don't have any particular love for the position, but he's still a human being.

Peace and Love and Empathy,

Matt
I feel a little bad for saying this, but when someone shakes the hand of a country leader who wants to kill people for being queer, you don't deserve much sympathy in my honest opinion.

Bury me with my guns on, so when I reach the other side - I can show him what it feels like to die.
Bury me with my guns on, so when I'm cast out of the sky, I can shoot the devil right between the eyes.
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17-02-2013, 04:28 AM
RE: The pope quit.
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17-02-2013, 04:42 AM
RE: The pope quit.
(17-02-2013 04:28 AM)EvolutionKills Wrote:  [Image: hB8904252]
Seems perfectly qualified.




"E se non passa la tristezza con altri occhi la guarderò."
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19-02-2013, 03:57 AM
RE: The pope quit.
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