The regular joke thread
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26-06-2017, 10:59 AM
The regular joke thread
Let's hear you jokes. We have an offensive joke thread so how about some regular jokes?

Mafia Godfather

A mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place. The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Tell him if he doesn't tell me I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
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26-06-2017, 11:00 AM
The regular joke thread
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn’t have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

' I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says,'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,'says the guy. You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,'says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational!

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well,then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie,and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

I DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'
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26-06-2017, 11:04 AM
The regular joke thread
A Lecturer vs. an Educator

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors,
she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

The maintenance man took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are those who lecture, and then there are educators...
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26-06-2017, 06:53 PM
RE: The regular joke thread
An old guy was working out in the gym.
When he spotted a sweet young thing he asked the trainer that was near by,: "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."

You have to be odd to be #1.
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26-06-2017, 07:03 PM
RE: The regular joke thread
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, don't worry, you are not alone.

*****
Protractors...
Not recommended for the amateur farmers.

*****
A cop on a horse says to a little girl on a bike: "did Santa get you that?" "Yes" replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $15.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says "nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies "he sure did!"

"Well" says the little girl: "next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

You have to be odd to be #1.
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26-06-2017, 07:09 PM
RE: The regular joke thread
My secretary came into my office and said "Boss, I've got some bad news for you."

Oh for heaven's sake!" I yelled. "For once, for just once can I not get some good news? This company's going down the toilet, the Doctor's told me my my blood pressure's sky high, my daughter's new boyfriend is a gangbanger and worst of all, the wife's found out I've been shagging you every chance I've get. She's hit the damn roof, I continued, "and told me if I don't pack it in, I'm finished.
One more mess up and I'll be kicked out, and she'll take me for every penny, so just for once give me some news that's good."

As I took some deep breaths, she says: "Gee whiz, boss, sorry for all that bad news.
"Ok, good news, (she said), you're not sterile."


******
People with dyslexia have more nuf.

***
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER?:
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it f fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first,
the truck, the car, playing golf...
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors...
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well
sweep the driveway.'

The doctors says I will walk again, but I will always have a limp from those scissors.

You have to be odd to be #1.
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26-06-2017, 07:23 PM
RE: The regular joke thread
I saw a golf cart parked in a disabled parking space outside work this morning.
I thought to myself, "I wonder what his handicap is?"

***
Let's agree round here that we will have NO menstruation jokes, period!

***

Call me paranoid, but my girlfriend split up with me and I suspect it was because of a love triangle:
her, me, and the man I could have been.

***
(for real & legit)
Study: Oral Sex Cures Morning Sickness « CBS DC
http://washington.cbslocal.com/2012/08/1...-sickness/

You have to be odd to be #1.
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26-06-2017, 07:42 PM
RE: The regular joke thread
The Gorilla
A small East Texas Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy any hairy female. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.

Ed was approached with a proposition; would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First", he said. "I don't want to have to kiss her.
Secondly, I want her to wear protection."

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Ed. "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
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26-06-2017, 07:45 PM
RE: The regular joke thread
Clueless
A wife buys a pair of crotch-less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotch-less panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never heard the gunshot.
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26-06-2017, 07:50 PM
RE: The regular joke thread
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, yabloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says,"I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks,"Did that sound cross enough?
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