There's motherfucking raccoons in this motherfucking garden.
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
21-07-2017, 02:39 PM (This post was last modified: 21-07-2017 03:07 PM by GirlyMan.)
There's motherfucking raccoons in this motherfucking garden.
I grow in beds raised 2 feet off the ground. it's o dark thrity and I'm letting the dog out and I see this little fucker jump up into the tomato bed and gnaw the biggest one, like 7' tall, off at the base. That's it. Didn't eat no tomatoes. Just turned and looked at me, paused, and I swear it let out a laugh before it ran away. My plants are tied and supported by stakes so this thing looks like it was crucified. A sad sorry savior, just hanging there, dead, covered in unripe fruit filled with the promise of hope ignorant of the fact that God is dead. A raccoon came like a thief in the night and killed her in her sleep. Hope is the seedling of despair which flowers in quiet desperation. (Ha, I should write my own Jesus parables. Will those green tomatoes ripen if I put them in a bag with an apple? Might be another Jesus story there. "I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope, For hope would be for the wrong thing." - TSE)

Back on topic. I got my kid this high-powered Beeman pellet gun which makes a pop too loud and too similar to gunfire to really use in a residential neighborhood. But at o dark thirty, with the night scope, ... one shot? One shot. I'll make a stew out of it with some of the green tomatoes. That should give them some justice.

#sigh
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 13 users Like GirlyMan's post
21-07-2017, 03:18 PM
RE: There's motherfucking raccoons in this motherfucking garden.
Are you sure that gun will kill it clean?
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
21-07-2017, 03:23 PM (This post was last modified: 21-07-2017 03:27 PM by GirlyMan.)
RE: There's motherfucking raccoons in this motherfucking garden.
(21-07-2017 03:18 PM)ImFred Wrote:  Are you sure that gun will kill it clean?

Don't really give a shit. As long as I hit it, it ain't coming back. I know where it lives. It's living in the curbside sewer drain on the street. Probably pretty nice digs for a raccoon if you think about it. Might just poison it. Or, if it's nesting down there maybe I'll just kill all the babies. And leave them there. With a green tomato. I'm pretty sure that raccoon will understand it's payback for the tomatoes. Seemed clever.

#sigh
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes GirlyMan's post
21-07-2017, 03:23 PM
RE: There's motherfucking raccoons in this motherfucking garden.
I’ll come over to help you hunt raccoons if you come over and help me hunt iguanas.

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.”~Mark Twain
“Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”~ Ambrose Bierce
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Full Circle's post
21-07-2017, 03:28 PM
RE: There's motherfucking raccoons in this motherfucking garden.
Raccoons are the debil. I feel your pain. Hubby has some great stories about camping on Shackleford Island (roughing it style) and rasslin the local raccoons for his cookware. The raccoon won one round and that particular frying pan has never been seen again.

I'm sorry but this post made me howl. Now seriously you do know that if you put those green tomatoes on your inside windowsill stem side down, they will turn red, right? No need for an apple to be involved.

Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket?
"Life is not all lovely thorns and singing vultures, you know." ~ Morticia Addams
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like outtathereligioncloset's post
21-07-2017, 03:29 PM
RE: There's motherfucking raccoons in this motherfucking garden.
I have raccoons to the right of me, raccoons to the left....

but never has one gnawed on a tomato stalk. Definitely not. You must have a deranged raccoon or it's not a raccoon.

Given the times we live in, I place my bets on "fake raccoon".

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 4 users Like Dom's post
21-07-2017, 03:31 PM
RE: There's motherfucking raccoons in this motherfucking garden.
Use the "passive silencer," route.

Shoot from inside the house (or car) through a narrowly opened window.


The air trapped inside the house or car absorbs most of the sound.

Even a 22 long rifle with subsonic rounds will be plenty quiet.

Even if your neighbor was awake and outside, they would not know a gun had been discharged.


Guarantee....

(Remember to keep the lights off.... Smile )

.......................................

The difference between prayer and masturbation - is when a guy is through masturbating - he has something to show for his efforts.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like onlinebiker's post
21-07-2017, 03:31 PM
RE: There's motherfucking raccoons in this motherfucking garden.
(21-07-2017 03:28 PM)outtathereligioncloset Wrote:  Now seriously you do know that if you put those green tomatoes on your inside windowsill stem side down, they will turn red, right? No need for an apple to be involved.

Nope. But I do now. Smile

#sigh
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
21-07-2017, 03:35 PM
RE: There's motherfucking raccoons in this motherfucking garden.
The plant in the OP did not die in vain...it died so that I might laugh, and laugh I did.

My quick racoon story. So we were camping out and my friend left the window of his suburban-type truck slightly cracked, maybe 6 inches. But of course all our food was in it- flour, bread, sugar, syrup, etc, - while we camped overnight maybe 20 feet away. Next morning we open the back of the truck...looked like a Jackson Pollack painting.

Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 10 users Like jerry mcmasters's post
21-07-2017, 03:36 PM
RE: There's motherfucking raccoons in this motherfucking garden.
(21-07-2017 03:29 PM)Dom Wrote:  I have raccoons to the right of me, raccoons to the left....

but never has one gnawed on a tomato stalk. Definitely not. You must have a deranged raccoon or it's not a raccoon.

Given the times we live in, I place my bets on "fake raccoon".

Given the neighborhood I live in, I'm going with "deranged raccoon". Probably trained by MS-13 to take out rival marijuana crops.

#sigh
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
Post Reply
Forum Jump: