There's motherfucking raccoons in this motherfucking garden.
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21-07-2017, 04:37 PM
RE: There's motherfucking raccoons in this motherfucking garden.
Everything That’s Wrong Of Raccoons

"A raccoon is the child of a cat and a wizard and it walks in too many worlds for it to be allowed to stay in this one"

Too many people want you to dismiss a raccoon’s deal of “Oh they’re mischievous cat-dogs with friendly washed hands and a jewel-thief face” when it’s really an ALL-HANDS NO-FEET TRASH-CAT WITH A DOG’S STOMACH AND A POSSUM’S HEART.

It can put itself up in trees but it waddles on the ground, I can’t be in trustment of a beast that clambers and waddles both; either be graceful and lithe all of times, or be clumsy and relatable on the ground. Seals can barely pull off “limber in the water, silly on a rock” and raccoons, you are not seals, you do not have their wise old laugh-faces, you just seem creepy and duplicitous.

Once when my dog died a passel of raccoons showed up in the backyard as if to say “Now that he’s gone, we own the night,” and they didn’t flinch when I yelled at them, and I found it disrespectful to 1) me personally and 2) the entire flow of the food chain. Don’t disrespect me if you can’t eat me, you false-night-dogs.

YOU SCRUBBLEMENT UP YOUR WITCH HANDS AND I DON’T TRUST IT, THAT IS A HUMAN ATTRIBUTE AND I WANT YOU TO LEAVE THAT TO US, STOP BEFORE-WASHING AND RUBBLE-SCRITCHING YOUR FUR-FINGERS, YOU MASHED-DOWN SMALLBEAR

They’re a dense badger lie

THEY CAN POINT THEIR FEET BACKWARDS TO CLIMB DOWN TREES, THEY CAN SWIM, THEY CAN SWEAT LIKE A YOU OR ME, A PERSON OR PANT LIKE A DOG TO COOL DOWN AS THEY CHOOSE, THEY IDLY AND INSOLENTLY SLIDE BETWEEN THE ANIMAL AND THE HUMAN WORLD AND IF THE ISLAND OF DOCTOR MOREAU TAUGHT ME NOTHING ELSE IT’S THAT THAT IS FUCKED UPWARDLY

I don’t like the word “chittering” and that is the only sound a raccoon makes

MAYBE THEY ARE AN ASSEMBLAGE OF VERY CONDENSED SQUIRRELS THAT POWERED UP INTO A MEDIUM-SIZED BEASTIE AND THAT WOULD BE INAPPROPRIATE, IF SQUIRRELS HAD DEVELOPED POWER-RANGER-LIKE ABILITIES

I hate the way they wobble-squample across the street at night when you see a shadowy mass under a streetlight and then it turns out to be like seven fur-children

A raccoon is the child of a cat and a wizard and it walks in too many worlds for it to be allowed to stay in this one

STOP LOOKING AT ME, YOU RIVER-DABBLER

"E se non passa la tristezza con altri occhi la guarderò."
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21-07-2017, 04:38 PM
RE: There's motherfucking raccoons in this motherfucking garden.
(21-07-2017 04:30 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(21-07-2017 03:49 PM)Full Circle Wrote:  Here are a couple of guys “fishing” for the fucking things and then skinning and frying them up!




And they're doing the environment a favor. Win win win. Thumbsup

The politicians want to take us back to the 1950's again so restart the coonskin hat craze. Do it. Do it right now.

[Image: ScreenShot2014-10-13at11.59.27AM.png]

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
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21-07-2017, 06:12 PM
RE: There's motherfucking raccoons in this motherfucking garden.
Dammit dancefortwo, now I've got THAT damn ear worm...

Dan'l Boone was a man. Was a reeeeeeeeal man...

Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket?
"Life is not all lovely thorns and singing vultures, you know." ~ Morticia Addams
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21-07-2017, 06:24 PM
RE: There's motherfucking raccoons in this motherfucking garden.
(21-07-2017 06:12 PM)outtathereligioncloset Wrote:  Dammit dancefortwo, now I've got THAT damn ear worm...

Dan'l Boone was a man. Was a reeeeeeeeal man...

No way outtathere! It's Davy, Davvvvvvvy Crockett, king of the wild frontier!

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21-07-2017, 06:29 PM
RE: There's motherfucking raccoons in this motherfucking garden.
I wonder sometimes if somebody actually got paid for THIS one ( Imagine them brainstorming at 2 am):




Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket?
"Life is not all lovely thorns and singing vultures, you know." ~ Morticia Addams
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21-07-2017, 06:37 PM
RE: There's motherfucking raccoons in this motherfucking garden.
(21-07-2017 06:24 PM)jerry mcmasters Wrote:  
(21-07-2017 06:12 PM)outtathereligioncloset Wrote:  Dammit dancefortwo, now I've got THAT damn ear worm...

Dan'l Boone was a man. Was a reeeeeeeeal man...

No way outtathere! It's Davy, Davvvvvvvy Crockett, king of the wild frontier!

I will hunt you down and kill you both. Angry








#sigh
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21-07-2017, 07:06 PM
RE: There's motherfucking raccoons in this motherfucking garden.
(21-07-2017 06:37 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  I will hunt you down and kill you both. Angry

Oh hell Fess Parker did Daniel Boone too? I did not know. (you can still kill him tho)

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21-07-2017, 08:01 PM
RE: There's motherfucking raccoons in this motherfucking garden.
Had a rabid coon in my neighbor's yard late one evening a few years ago. He was pretty far gone, but not enough to not be dangerous, and had attracted the attention of the gang of neighborhood cats that ran around together at night (kinda like Heathcliff and his crew). They kept getting too close to him for my comfort.

Called animal control, but they were closed for the night. So I called the police station to see if there was anything they could do. An officer stopped by shortly after, took a look and said, "Yup, that's a rabid coon. Can't discharge my firearm in city limits for that, too much paperwork. Not my job, good luck to ya." Dodgy

Luckily a passerby saw him and stopped and was willing to help me out. Using a snow shovel we finagled him into a trash bucket, he made a couple angry moves but was sick enough that we got out of the way easy enough. I put him beside the house with a board on top of the can weighted down with cinder blocks. I figured he wouldn't last the night.

I was wrong, he still moving in the morning. Luckily one of the animal control dudes made a special Saturday trip out to collect him for us later that morning.

Moral of the story is...rabid coons are fucking trippy to watch up close. Hobo

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

~ Umberto Eco
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21-07-2017, 09:23 PM
RE: There's motherfucking raccoons in this motherfucking garden.
So you actually expect me to believe the cop didn't kill anyone?
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21-07-2017, 09:37 PM
RE: There's motherfucking raccoons in this motherfucking garden.
We had a crazy raccoon wandering our driveway a while back. I called Animal Control, but I might have been better off with a gun. Just got a lot of jibber-jabber referring me to pay-for-pest-control services. Fortunately the beast kept traveling and was someone else's pay-for problem a half hour later.
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