Things are getting nasty...
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20-04-2014, 01:17 PM
Things are getting nasty...
Well, it's begun...

I had gotten complacent over the past couple of months or so because there's been little drama, aside from the fact that my kiddos do tend to act out quite a bit whenever they get back from visiting their father, and now...

Well, now my oldest child has informed me that she wants to live with her dad and not with me. That the only reason she "chose" me thus far is because she was able to go back to her old school again, and because she wanted to be with her brother. But now she is saying she wants to finish out the school year here at her old school and then she wants to go back to the big school that they went to for a semester, and that she also wants to live with my ex.

She accused me of several things via text yesterday. She said that I never spend time with them, that I am "always on my stupid computer" / she said that things were great where we living in town and that "you separated from daddy and you messed up my life and ****'s (my son) life and daddy's" and that I "need to wake up" / she said that her and my son want to "...move in with daddy. Will you allow us to do that without court because I am old enough to decide and we will finish the school year at **** (their old school that they're back at now), start next year at **** (the big school), and if you want to go then you can go and not be a part of this family" - which is all shit that my ex has spewed over all the years of our marriage, and that last bit were words he shot my way when I was struggling so much with my decision to leave him or not. It was like he'd possessed her and was talking through her.

She told me still further that every time their dad brings them back here they ask him not to take them back, but that he still does. I told her throughout all of this that I was sorry she was upset and angry, but that I love her anyway. Told her that she's every right to feel whatever way she feels.

Shockingly, I was not all that hurt, as I knew these were not her words, but his. It was an obvious parroting of everything that he has ever said over the years and I am wondering now, what the fuck do I do?

Do they really want to live with him? Or is it all truly just parroting?

I have no idea what to do. The divorce will be filed within at least a few weeks, I should think, and apparently he is wanting me to sit down and agree to letting him have the kids, without going to court. I've told my daughter that when the time is come for her to do so, she needs to be honest with the judge and tell them where she really wants to be. I'm not going to try and make her or bribe her or cajole her into "choosing" me. But neither am I going to sit down without representation with a man who manipulated and controlled me for years on end and fool myself for even one second that he would offer anything at all amenable to me or the interests of his children. I got a lawyer because I know how he is.

I know I've just said this, but I've no idea what to do. It's hard when you know without a shred of doubt that you've done the right thing by leaving an emotionally manipulative and controlling person and that you are still painted as the villain. It's knowing that that's how I would be portrayed to my children that, I think, has kept me sane thus far. I knew he would do this. I hoped he wouldn't, but I knew that he would. That is just the kind of person he is.

So my choices are to fight for custody of my children - which, usually mothers do get their children (at least that is what I keep being told) - and then have them hate me for going against their wishes of being with their dad. Or I fight to have what's fair for me financially and make sure he doesn't gouge me in that way and yet let the kids live with him and honor their wishes in doing so.

This is so very fucked up. Right now I feel like things are going just as you'd expect them to when dealing with a man like this. I just don't know what my next move is.

Thanks for letting me vent.

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20-04-2014, 01:53 PM
RE: Things are getting nasty...
How old are your kids EA...I seem to remember that your daughter is around 13, but maybe I am wrong. Their ages will help a little.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

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20-04-2014, 01:54 PM
RE: Things are getting nasty...
My daughter will be 13 in May of this year. My son just turned 9 recently.

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20-04-2014, 01:56 PM
RE: Things are getting nasty...
Well if your daughter has some complaints I'd certainly sit down and talk them out with her, and see if there is anything you can/or are willing to change.

After that it's good you're letting her decide what she wants to do. Just dont be so laid back about it that she gets the impression you dont care about her or if she stays or not.

Thats about all I got.

Im sorry you have to go through this hun.
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20-04-2014, 01:59 PM (This post was last modified: 23-04-2014 03:34 PM by Anjele.)
RE: Things are getting nasty...
That's what I thought.

Your daughter is getting an age where a judge will listen to her to a certain extent.

My ex wanted custody for one reason and that was so he didn't have to pay me any child support. As it turned out I had them for seven years with no support till I was finally able to get t lawyer and take him to court. The ass.

It certainly sounds like your kids are being coached and a 13 year old girl can be a real pill anyway, I am sure this doesn't help. Is she speaking for her brother or has he actually voiced his preference?

This is a tough one but the most important thing is to do what's best for the kids and you can't decide that based on what will or won't piss them off.

You are getting divorced and they are going to have to deal with. The are still the kids and though you should hear their concerns, this isn't their decision.

Keep up posted on what's being said and keep a log that you can share with your attorney with regard to things the kids are saying and what the ex is saying.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat
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20-04-2014, 02:05 PM
RE: Things are getting nasty...
(20-04-2014 01:17 PM)Escape Artist Wrote:  Well, it's begun...

I had gotten complacent over the past couple of months or so because there's been little drama, aside from the fact that my kiddos do tend to act out quite a bit whenever they get back from visiting their father, and now...

Well, now my oldest child has informed me that she wants to live with her dad and not with me. That the only reason she "chose" me thus far is because she was able to go back to her old school again, and because she wanted to be with her brother. But now she is saying she wants to finish out the school year here at her old school and then she wants to go back to the big school that they went to for a semester, and that she also wants to live with my ex.

She accused me of several things via text yesterday. She said that I never spend time with them, that I am "always on my stupid computer" / she said that things were great where we living in town and that "you separated from daddy and you messed up my life and ****'s (my son) life and daddy's" and that I "need to wake up" / she said that her and my son want to "...move in with daddy. Will you allow us to do that without court because I am old enough to decide and we will finish the school year at **** (their old school that they're back at now), start next year at **** (the big school), and if you want to go then you can go and not be a part of this family" - which is all shit that my ex has spewed over all the years of our marriage, and that last bit were words he shot my way when I was struggling so much with my decision to leave him or not. It was like he'd possessed her and was talking through her.

She told me still further that every time their dad brings them back here they ask him not to take them back, but that he still does. I told her throughout all of this that I was sorry she was upset and angry, but that I love her anyway. Told her that she's every right to feel whatever way she feels.

Shockingly, I was not all that hurt, as I knew these were not her words, but his. It was an obvious parroting of everything that he has ever said over the years and I am wondering now, what the fuck do I do?

Do they really want to live with him? Or is it all truly just parroting?

I have no idea what to do. The divorce will be filed within at least a few weeks, I should think, and apparently he is wanting me to sit down and agree to letting him have the kids, without going to court. I've told my daughter that when the time is come for her to do so, she needs to be honest with the judge and tell them where she really wants to be. I'm not going to try and make her or bribe her or cajole her into "choosing" me. But neither am I going to sit down without representation with a man who manipulated and controlled me for years on end and fool myself for even one second that he would offer anything at all amenable to me or the interests of his children. I got a lawyer because I know how he is.

I know I've just said this, but I've no idea what to do. It's hard when you know without a shred of doubt that you've done the right thing by leaving an emotionally manipulative and controlling person and that you are still painted as the villain. It's knowing that that's how I would be portrayed to my children that, I think, has kept me sane thus far. I knew he would do this. I hoped he wouldn't, but I knew that he would. That is just the kind of person he is.

So my choices are to fight for custody of my children - which, usually mothers do get their children (at least that is what I keep being told) - and then have them hate me for going against their wishes of being with their dad. Or I fight to have what's fair for me financially and make sure he doesn't gouge me in that way and yet let the kids live with him and honor their wishes in doing so.

This is so very fucked up. Right now I feel like things are going just as you'd expect them to when dealing with a man like this. I just don't know what my next move is.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Hug

I am sorry EA. Divorce is tough on children especially when one or both the parents speak poorly of the other in the children's presence. The only thing that I can tell you is to love them and spend as much time as you can with them.

Onward, my faithful steed!
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20-04-2014, 02:12 PM
RE: Things are getting nasty...
(20-04-2014 01:59 PM)Anjele Wrote:  That's what I thought.

You daughter is getting an age where a judge will listen to her to a certain extent.

My ex wanted custody for one reason and that was so he didn't have to pay me any child support. As it turned out I had them for seven years with no support till I was finally able to get t lawyer and take him to court. The ass.

It certainly sounds like your kids are being coached and a 13 year old girl can be a real pill anyway, I am sure this doesn't help. Is she speaking for her brother or has he actually voiced his preference?

This is a tough one but the most important thing is to do what's best for the kids and you can't decide that based on what will or won't piss them off.

You are getting divorced and they are going to have to deal with. The are still the kids and though you should hear their concerns, this isn't their decision.

Keep up posted on what's being said and keep a log that you can share with your attorney with regard to things the kids are saying and what the ex is saying.

My son has not voiced this preference for himself, no. She was speaking for him in those messages. He has texted me this weekend and has mentioned nothing about any of this.

The frustrating part is that I'm being painted as an uninvolved parent. I was the solely involved parent for many, many years, and it was only after I became so depressed that I started "checking out" if you will. I am still working my way back to being more involved. In the past, I was too involved and as I got depressed, I swung the other way.

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20-04-2014, 02:30 PM
RE: Things are getting nasty...
I would suggest getting more involved, not like smothering, hovering mother involved...just rebuild some connection between you and the kids.

And, as hard as it may be, don't say anything bad about the ex.

It's hard and it sucks, just keep being the best mom you can be.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat
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20-04-2014, 02:46 PM
RE: Things are getting nasty...
I agree with Anj and Hobbit. Spend more time with them, etc. but I wouldn't change your custody or divorce plans. This is a last minute bump in the road he is throwing at you and the low down bastard is using a kid to get at you.

Chin up, listen and reassure her that you are considering her feelings and weighing other things as well, and in the end, you will make an adult decision that you feel is in her best interest. And the judge will hear all of it, and weigh in too.


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20-04-2014, 04:40 PM
RE: Things are getting nasty...
I'm sorry EA Hug

IIRC you said him being irresponsible with money, and gambling were also big issues that lead to your separation. That, plus a manipulative personality, those kids would be in a very toxic environment. I say brace yourself, and fight for those kids, even if your daughter doesn't like it.

Hug Heart

I hope that the world turns, and things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. - V for Vendetta
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