Things are getting nasty...
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21-04-2014, 02:10 PM
RE: Things are getting nasty...
I had actually thought about the summer thing. That may not be a bad idea.

And you are correct, this isn't your mother's decision. UGH, she must be related to my mother - you have my sympathy.

Make sure you talk with your son too...make sure that he has some say also...at least as far as being able to speak openly about what's going on.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat
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21-04-2014, 02:31 PM
RE: Things are getting nasty...
Joint physical custody might could work, yes. I don't know why I keep forgetting about that. Facepalm I plan to move back closer to town when I'm able, so it's no skin off my back to share custody with him that way the kids can go to the same school and get alternating weeks or whatnot with each of us. I imagine the shuffling around could get tedious, but that might get everyone what they want.

Just as an example, this is the type of thing I'm dealing with from my mom:

Quote:Well I did ask her (my daughter) why she took the other phone. She said she didn’t want anyone looking in her phone.

I know your tired of me singing this song, but every time she spends time with him she comes back acting like an ass. I asked her yesterday did she see what you got her in her Easter Basket. She just kinda smirked.
Then went on about her Dad getting her that new Phone Case.

Some how those lawyers need to know how she is when she comes back from visits with him. Then maybe the judge will see how he is messing with her head and know that he is manipulating her.

Billy is poisoning her mind against you. He is trying to be the victim. I know you can’t do anything about it. But she needs to spend less time with him.

She doesn’t realize he is using her, maybe a counselor could help her see that. Like if he asks where she wants to stay and why, if she says cause her dad is lonely. The counselor may help her, but if he doesn’t at least you will have tried to get her help.

Mom

Which, I guess isn't all that bad, but my brain is so fried today, it may be worse than I can surmise at the moment. The point is, she is forever on my case about how the kids "have to" end up with me or else she'll "lose her mind".

Hobbit, I think I know what you are getting at. It hurts to be asked that question. I love my kids and I want what's best for them. But I will be totally honest here and say that I never wanted children. I would never have planned for children. I wasn't educated properly about sex and thus ended up pregnant at a young age. Got pregnant later on because of a variety of stupid reasons - mostly religious, I didn't think I should be on any kind of birth control, so I got off it - but got pregnant again just the same.

That said, I love my kids. I do. And I feel like I am the better parent for them to be with. I feel like it's better for them to be with the parent who's been financially stable (I have been steadily working all these years), who has encouraged their individuality, who encourages their independence and does not demand they meet my emotional needs, who took care of them primarily when they were younger (yes, when I got depressed, I very much checked out and played a lesser role in those things but in those earlier years I was the one taking primary care of them - later, there at the very end when I was so bad off, they could fend for themselves more readily) when he did not see fit to change a diaper or make sure they were clean, or see that they had something cooked for them, etc.

I never saw him as a bad father. He was a bad husband and wanted to control me and keep me on a short leash. It seems he has tried to do the same with the kids now that I'm gone (by distorting the truth of this whole situation).

But maybe he isn't coaching them. I just don't know. I am so tired of these games. I truly want what is best for my kids. If what's best is for them to be with him, I want that. I just don't know what is best. I thought I knew up until very recently. But since (my daughter, at least) has come forward now and says she wants to be with dad and not me, I don't know.

I'm sorry. I am just very confused right now. Sad My concentration and focus is absolutely shot.

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21-04-2014, 02:36 PM
RE: Things are getting nasty...
(21-04-2014 02:31 PM)Escape Artist Wrote:  Joint physical custody might could work, yes. I don't know why I keep forgetting about that. Facepalm I plan to move back closer to town when I'm able, so it's no skin off my back to share custody with him that way the kids can go to the same school and get alternating weeks or whatnot with each of us. I imagine the shuffling around could get tedious, but that might get everyone what they want.

Just as an example, this is the type of thing I'm dealing with from my mom:

Quote:Well I did ask her (my daughter) why she took the other phone. She said she didn’t want anyone looking in her phone.

I know your tired of me singing this song, but every time she spends time with him she comes back acting like an ass. I asked her yesterday did she see what you got her in her Easter Basket. She just kinda smirked.
Then went on about her Dad getting her that new Phone Case.

Some how those lawyers need to know how she is when she comes back from visits with him. Then maybe the judge will see how he is messing with her head and know that he is manipulating her.

Billy is poisoning her mind against you. He is trying to be the victim. I know you can’t do anything about it. But she needs to spend less time with him.

She doesn’t realize he is using her, maybe a counselor could help her see that. Like if he asks where she wants to stay and why, if she says cause her dad is lonely. The counselor may help her, but if he doesn’t at least you will have tried to get her help.

Mom

Which, I guess isn't all that bad, but my brain is so fried today, it may be worse than I can surmise at the moment. The point is, she is forever on my case about how the kids "have to" end up with me or else she'll "lose her mind".

Hobbit, I think I know what you are getting at. It hurts to be asked that question. I love my kids and I want what's best for them. But I will be totally honest here and say that I never wanted children. I would never have planned for children. I wasn't educated properly about sex and thus ended up pregnant at a young age. Got pregnant later on because of a variety of stupid reasons - mostly religious, I didn't think I should be on any kind of birth control, so I got off it - but got pregnant again just the same.

That said, I love my kids. I do. And I feel like I am the better parent for them to be with. I feel like it's better for them to be with the parent who's been financially stable (I have been steadily working all these years), who has encouraged their individuality, who encourages their independence and does not demand they meet my emotional needs, who took care of them primarily when they were younger (yes, when I got depressed, I very much checked out and played a lesser role in those things but in those earlier years I was the one taking primary care of them - later, there at the very end when I was so bad off, they could fend for themselves more readily) when he did not see fit to change a diaper or make sure they were clean, or see that they had something cooked for them, etc.

I never saw him as a bad father. He was a bad husband and wanted to control me and keep me on a short leash. It seems he has tried to do the same with the kids now that I'm gone (by distorting the truth of this whole situation).

But maybe he isn't coaching them. I just don't know. I am so tired of these games. I truly want what is best for my kids. If what's best is for them to be with him, I want that. I just don't know what is best. I thought I knew up until very recently. But since (my daughter, at least) has come forward now and says she wants to be with dad and not me, I don't know.

I'm sorry. I am just very confused right now. Sad My concentration and focus is absolutely shot.

I certainly don't mean to hurt you by asking that question. But I wanted to bring that up due to being able to feel the doubts in what you were writing.

Don't rush any decisions. Take some time out to think about what you are wanting. It doesnt make you a bad parent if you worry about who's actually the better fit. That makes you a good mom.

*Edit* as for your mom tell her where she can stick her concerns. It's none of her business.
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21-04-2014, 02:41 PM
RE: Things are getting nasty...
Thanks, Hobbit. Hug

I just... I don't know. Undecided I've always felt like the way I love my kids is different from the way a mother is "supposed to" love her kids. Like I'm not a good mother somehow. I relate more to the typical male role in parenting, even though I'm not the best at being tough on them when they need it. I have a hard time showing them I love them, or telling them, but I do love them, and when they need me, I'm there - all typical dad issues, I think.

It's another stereotype deal that I struggle with, I guess.

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21-04-2014, 02:45 PM
RE: Things are getting nasty...
(21-04-2014 02:41 PM)Escape Artist Wrote:  Thanks, Hobbit. Hug

I just... I don't know. Undecided I've always felt like the way I love my kids is different from the way a mother is "supposed to" love her kids. Like I'm not a good mother somehow. I relate more to the typical male role in parenting, even though I'm not the best at being tough on them when they need it. I have a hard time showing them I love them, or telling them, but I do love them, and when they need me, I'm there - all typical dad issues, I think.

It's another stereotype deal that I struggle with, I guess.

Do not get hung up on the gender roles. Kids need lots of things from their parents and can get them from either. Be what your kids need when they need it and all is good.
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21-04-2014, 03:07 PM
RE: Things are getting nasty...
(21-04-2014 02:41 PM)Escape Artist Wrote:  Thanks, Hobbit. Hug

I just... I don't know. Undecided I've always felt like the way I love my kids is different from the way a mother is "supposed to" love her kids. Like I'm not a good mother somehow. I relate more to the typical male role in parenting, even though I'm not the best at being tough on them when they need it. I have a hard time showing them I love them, or telling them, but I do love them, and when they need me, I'm there - all typical dad issues, I think.

It's another stereotype deal that I struggle with, I guess.

There is no cookie-cutter form for mothers. Too many variables. Too many personalities, strengths, and weaknesses. Don't get hung up on being the 'right' kind of mom...be the best mom you can be.

My kids prefer that I am not the 'typical' mom. They wouldn't know how to react if I was.

You are going to be fine...I am not saying it's all going to be rainbows and butterflies but if you and the ex make sure the kids feel loved and cared for then you pretty much will have won the battle.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat
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21-04-2014, 03:37 PM
RE: Things are getting nasty...
You really do have a lot of great advice in here I just want to add one thing.

You say you feel you are being forced to compete for your children because of the actions of your ex. While it may be true that the two of you are taking similar actions (trying to get custody, making them feel loved etc), motive is key. He is using them to get what he wants, and to possibly hurt you. You are doing what you do to make sure your kids are taken care of. Big difference. I hope that helps a little Hug Heart

I hope that the world turns, and things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. - V for Vendetta
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21-04-2014, 04:39 PM
RE: Things are getting nasty...
Joint custody might be the best option. Everybody gets something they need and in the long run it will sort itself out. The schedule can be a major pain in the ass, but it's worth it, otherwise one parent gets all the work and one gets all the fun. Strong points and weak points of both you and your ex will show too, and it's thru those moments that the kids learn which parent has their back. Hopefully it will always be both of you.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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22-04-2014, 10:22 AM
RE: Things are getting nasty...
From yapping my head off yesterday to [Image: smiley_mouth_taped_shut.gif] today... *sigh*

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22-04-2014, 11:53 AM
RE: Things are getting nasty...
(22-04-2014 10:22 AM)Escape Artist Wrote:  From yapping my head off yesterday to [Image: smiley_mouth_taped_shut.gif] today... *sigh*

Talk to us Hug

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