Things you're not liable to read in The Bible
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06-06-2016, 09:50 AM
Things you're not liable to read in The Bible
We know that the Bible contains much that is absurd, unjust, immoral and cruel as well as swathes of contradictions. But what do you think would be contained in the Bible if it more accurately reflected what we really know? I mean the whole book is simply easy meat for satire.

My starters.
  • This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
  • And so it came to pass that as the rains fell on the tenth day of the great inundation, Noah sayeth unto his sons, “Keep shovelling that shit lads, if we’re going to stop sinking we’re going to have to avoid drowning in all the crap these fucking animals are producing!”
  • Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child, having conceived following a one-night stand with person (or persons) unknown. Then Joseph her husband, being a bit embarrassed and just a little put-out was minded to foreswear that the child was conceived of the Holy Ghost. But all the townspeople of Nazareth knew that Mary had a reputation and that Joseph was probably a bit gullible.


Any offers for further gems of wisdom?

The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike
Excreta Tauri Sapientam Fulgeat (The excrement of the bull causes wisdom to flee)
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06-06-2016, 11:31 AM
RE: Things you're not liable to read in The Bible
"...and when Jesus was 12, he left his parents to go study at a temple. And then, for nearly 20 years, the Son of the Lord Most High didn't really do anything of note. Then suddenly, he started doing all sorts of miracles!"

"Then, Jesus left to be alone in the wilderness and was tempted by Satan. The only two people there were Jesus and Satan, and at the time of this writing, Jesus has been ascended to Heaven for nearly a century. Whether or not this entire section is written by Satan or made up by someone who wasn't there is an exercise left to the reader."

"...and after the flood waters abated, Almighty God used epic amounts of magic to make the world habitable for the humans and animals on the ark. All of the sediment was dispersed and plants were once again made to live. For several generations, the herbivores were made to multiply at an astronomical rate while the carnivores were magically sustained. Once their numbers grew great enough, they were spirited away to the different continents, where God precoded to alter their DNA to both get a sufficient amount of biodiversity and speciation. All at once, God stopped all of his alterations and irrevocably altered the fossil record to remove all evidence of His great works, save for these writings in Genesis. Praise be His name."


Man, I could do this for hours. I may have to do a part II, later.
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06-06-2016, 12:07 PM
RE: Things you're not liable to read in The Bible
INTRODUCTION: Please turn to page 2.

PAGE 2: Please burn this book.

[Image: 36351.jpg]

Big Grin

I'm a creationist... I believe that man created God.
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06-06-2016, 12:26 PM
RE: Things you're not liable to read in The Bible
(06-06-2016 11:31 AM)RobbyPants Wrote:  "...and when Jesus was 12, he left his parents to go study at a temple. And then, for nearly 20 years, the Son of the Lord Most High didn't really do anything of note. Then suddenly, he started doing all sorts of miracles!"

I always found it a bit strange that the life of Jesus ignores his childhood almost completely and teen years save for one story about visiting a temple. The book could remind us of other Gods who were seemingly born fully grown, it's all very fascinating how they came into the world and had some interesting things happen to them but no childhoods to speak of because they were never children, much like this Jesus fellow.

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06-06-2016, 12:43 PM
RE: Things you're not liable to read in The Bible
There was a gospel that dealt with jesus as a child, but it was not adopted into the canon when the bible was codified.

Infancy Gospel

It makes about as much sense as the rest.

Help for the living. Hope for the dead. ~ R.G. Ingersoll

Freedom offers opportunity. Opportunity confers responsibility. Responsibility to use the freedom we enjoy wisely, honestly and humanely. ~ Noam Chomsky
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07-06-2016, 02:59 AM
RE: Things you're not liable to read in The Bible
And Samson asked the Lord, "Lord, why have you given me all my strength in my hair?"

And the Lord replied, "Because you're worth it!"

The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike
Excreta Tauri Sapientam Fulgeat (The excrement of the bull causes wisdom to flee)
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07-06-2016, 04:49 AM
RE: Things you're not liable to read in The Bible
(06-06-2016 09:50 AM)Silly Deity Wrote:  There was a gospel that dealt with jesus as a child, but it was not adopted into the canon when the bible was codified.

Infancy Gospel

The Omen series was all about Damien.

They need to do the prequel about Jesus, this is some seriously scary shit

Quote: In another episode, a child disperses water that Jesus has collected. Jesus, aged one, then curses him, which causes the child's body to wither into a corpse. Another child dies when Jesus curses him when he apparently accidentally bumps into Jesus, throws a stone at Jesus, or punches Jesus (depending on the translation).

When Joseph and Mary's neighbors complain, they are miraculously struck blind by Jesus. Jesus then starts receiving lessons, but arrogantly tries to teach the teacher instead, upsetting the teacher who suspects supernatural origins. Jesus is amused by this suspicion, which he confirms, and revokes all his earlier apparent cruelty.
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07-06-2016, 05:38 AM (This post was last modified: 07-06-2016 05:42 AM by TheInquisition.)
RE: Things you're not liable to read in The Bible
(06-06-2016 09:50 AM)Silly Deity Wrote:  We know that the Bible contains much that is absurd, unjust, immoral and cruel as well as swathes of contradictions. But what do you think would be contained in the Bible if it more accurately reflected what we really know? I mean the whole book is simply easy meat for satire.

My starters.
  • This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
  • And so it came to pass that as the rains fell on the tenth day of the great inundation, Noah sayeth unto his sons, “Keep shovelling that shit lads, if we’re going to stop sinking we’re going to have to avoid drowning in all the crap these fucking animals are producing!”
  • Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child, having conceived following a one-night stand with person (or persons) unknown. Then Joseph her husband, being a bit embarrassed and just a little put-out was minded to foreswear that the child was conceived of the Holy Ghost. But all the townspeople of Nazareth knew that Mary had a reputation and that Joseph was probably a bit gullible.


Any offers for further gems of wisdom?

I think I would have Jeffery; the little common sense angel that bedevils God in Darkmatter's youtube videos, give running commentary through the whole thing.

Umm God, we have a problem.....




Gods derive their power from post-hoc rationalizations. -The Inquisition

Using the supernatural to explain events in your life is a failure of the intellect to comprehend the world around you. -The Inquisition
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07-06-2016, 07:06 AM
RE: Things you're not liable to read in The Bible
And god awoke on the eighth day and said "this perfect creation I've made is boring as hell, I shall make an evil talking snake just to fuck the whole thing up!"

A friend in the hole

"If we're going to be damned, let's be damned for what we really are." - Captain Picard
9
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07-06-2016, 05:11 PM
RE: Things you're not liable to read in The Bible
Hello. My name is God and I'm an addict. Well, you see, in the beginning...

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Flesh and blood of a dead star, slain in the apocalypse of supernova, resurrected by four billion years of continuous autocatalytic reaction and crowned with the emergent property of sentience in the dream that the universe might one day understand itself.
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