Things you're not liable to read in The Bible
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07-06-2016, 07:35 PM
RE: Things you're not liable to read in The Bible
(07-06-2016 04:49 AM)Stevil Wrote:  They need to do the prequel about Jesus, this is some seriously scary shit

Quote: In another episode, a child disperses water that Jesus has collected. Jesus, aged one, then curses him, which causes the child's body to wither into a corpse. Another child dies when Jesus curses him when he apparently accidentally bumps into Jesus, throws a stone at Jesus, or punches Jesus (depending on the translation).

When Joseph and Mary's neighbors complain, they are miraculously struck blind by Jesus. Jesus then starts receiving lessons, but arrogantly tries to teach the teacher instead, upsetting the teacher who suspects supernatural origins. Jesus is amused by this suspicion, which he confirms, and revokes all his earlier apparent cruelty.

So it's basically NT Jesus moonlighting as OT YHWH? I mean, I guess they're all part of the same Godhead, or whatever they call the singular entity of the Trinity. We'll call this the "Like Father, Like Son Gospel".
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09-06-2016, 08:33 AM (This post was last modified: 09-06-2016 08:37 AM by Ash.)
RE: Things you're not liable to read in The Bible
-And after Adam and Eve ate the fruit from the tree of knowledge, he decided "Welp, better start over." So he designed apes, and let them evolve into humans. "That'll avoid having to flood the whole world later," "he said to himself. "People will be more evolved."

-"Women and men are meant to be equals," said Jesus. "A woman shall have as much right to teach my word as a man. And you shall not have slaves, even if they are colored. I'm talking to you, America, with my omniscience and all."

-"Also beware of a guy named Muhammed. He's going to have a 9 year old wife, and eventually that leads to flying silver birds called airplanes flying into buildings, and people blowing themselves up."

-"Oh and if you're a Jew stay out of a land called Germany," said Jesus on the mount. "If you think your dad letting you hang on a cross to save the souls of all mankind is bad, just wait to you see what Germany does in 1940."
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09-06-2016, 12:40 PM
RE: Things you're not liable to read in The Bible
"Also beware of a guy named Muhammed. He's going to have a 9 year old wife, will lead a bloody campaign to consolidate his power under the new religion that claims to be the old religion, and the followers of his claimed revelation from one of my angels will cause those followers to drive flying chariots into towers populated by tens of thousands of people who believe in my other claimed revelations, resulting in unnecessary deaths of their victims, and the deaths of the families and countrymen of the perpetrators by the families and countrymen of the victims. Regardless of whether or not you manage to derail this prophecy by heeding this warning, please reference my instructions about not killing."

"Theology made no provision for evolution. The biblical authors had missed the most important revelation of all! Could it be that they were not really privy to the thoughts of God?" - E. O. Wilson
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09-06-2016, 01:11 PM
RE: Things you're not liable to read in The Bible
"And after YHWH returned from his anger management counseling, he formed a new covenant and sent His Son down to Earth."

"Thou shall not rape."
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09-06-2016, 04:54 PM
RE: Things you're not liable to read in The Bible
(07-06-2016 02:59 AM)Silly Deity Wrote:  And Samson asked the Lord, "Lord, why have you given me all my strength in my hair?"

And the Lord replied, "Because you're worth it!"

Speaking of hair, or the lack thereof, the story of Elisha and the children taunting him because he's bald probably won't get sermonized on a Sunday especially because god sends a bear out to kill all 42 of the kids.

2:23 And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and "as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.
2:24 And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.


Can you imagine god babysitting children in a playground? He'd end up killing every one of them for some small transgression.

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
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09-06-2016, 07:34 PM
RE: Things you're not liable to read in The Bible
(09-06-2016 04:54 PM)dancefortwo Wrote:  Can you imagine god babysitting children in a playground? He'd end up killing every one of them for some small transgression.

Pretty much.

[Image: assorted_fruits.jpg]
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09-06-2016, 09:12 PM
RE: Things you're not liable to read in The Bible
-And Jesus said, "When you die, that's it, so enjoy life to the fullest. For there is no sky fairy, no wizard in the great beyond. You have this one chance by bretherin, make it count."


Much better than any of that other garbage that book says.

"If we are honest—and scientists have to be—we must admit that religion is a jumble of false assertions, with no basis in reality.
The very idea of God is a product of the human imagination."
- Paul Dirac
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10-06-2016, 03:03 PM
RE: Things you're not liable to read in The Bible
(09-06-2016 04:54 PM)dancefortwo Wrote:  2:23 And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and "as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.
2:24 And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.
This thread is about an alternative, unlikely bible passage.

And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth ..." a stumbling hippie, he pushed past the prophet saying "tsk, tsk, don't you know curses aren't real" he walked over to the children passing them out a can of beer each, 42 in total, and while they drank he asked them what they will look like when they grow up, perhaps they will be bald, perhaps fat, maybe their teeth will be rotten or maybe they will become a drunkard. They all laughed and asked if the hippie would come back some time soon(with more beer of course).
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10-06-2016, 03:08 PM
RE: Things you're not liable to read in The Bible
(06-06-2016 12:26 PM)SitaSky Wrote:  
(06-06-2016 11:31 AM)RobbyPants Wrote:  "...and when Jesus was 12, he left his parents to go study at a temple. And then, for nearly 20 years, the Son of the Lord Most High didn't really do anything of note. Then suddenly, he started doing all sorts of miracles!"

I always found it a bit strange that the life of Jesus ignores his childhood almost completely and teen years save for one story about visiting a temple. The book could remind us of other Gods who were seemingly born fully grown, it's all very fascinating how they came into the world and had some interesting things happen to them but no childhoods to speak of because they were never children, much like this Jesus fellow.

Check out John Prine's youtube video "Jesus the missing years," great laugh. I'd put it here if I were bright enuff!
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10-06-2016, 03:11 PM
RE: Things you're not liable to read in The Bible
(10-06-2016 03:03 PM)Stevil Wrote:  
(09-06-2016 04:54 PM)dancefortwo Wrote:  2:23 And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and "as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.
2:24 And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.
This thread is about an alternative, unlikely bible passage.

And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth ..." a stumbling hippie, he pushed past the prophet saying "tsk, tsk, don't you know curses aren't real" he walked over to the children passing them out a can of beer each, 42 in total, and while they drank he asked them what they will look like when they grow up, perhaps they will be bald, perhaps fat, maybe their teeth will be rotten or maybe they will become a drunkard. They all laughed and asked if the hippie would come back some time soon(with more beer of course).

Oops, I didn't get the jist of the thread, sorry.

Excellent adaption of the bald guy in the bible story. Thumbsup

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
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