Thinking about writing to an estranged friend
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25-03-2015, 03:36 PM
Thinking about writing to an estranged friend
This is not exactly what it sounds like. I'm talking about my best friend through most of primary school and highschool who, for reasons unknown to me, gradually stopped talking to me.

It's been bothering me (and a third friend with whom I'm still close) for all those years, how she made up excuses to avoid going out with us, how she always wanted to talk about specific topics and would refuse to take apart in the conversation or even get angry if we talked about anything else, how she lied to my face, how she said horrible things behind my back (including a confession to a common friend that she was jealous of me), how she refused to talk about her problems and yet blamed me for not understanding her and how she decided to top it all off by cutting off contact with me altogether.

I just could never figure it out. I was always there for her, I always supported her, but I couldn't tell what was wrong. She was my best friend, we were so close and I felt she was the only person who could understand me.

A few years after I last heard from her, I found her tumblr, which included lots of macabre and disgusting things, along with her thoughts about how life sucks, how she hates herself and she wants to die, but also some extremely narcissistic and attention-seeking statements. I've come to the conclusion that she's very insecure and may even have some kind of mild personality disorder, or at least pretending to have it. I have no idea anymore.

So I was talking to that third friend the other day and we started considering sending her an email or something. The problem is, we have no idea why we want to do this or what to tell her. I'm aware that it won't change anything, but I just see it as some kind of unfinished business. I'm mad at her, I feel like I need to tell her that I know she lied to me, ask for explanations, I don't know.

Am I thinking too much? Should I do it? I just need closure. I've been having dreams that we're friends again, but I know that's impossible and it hurts. I've even dreamt that she killed me, twice! I know she hates me, I don't even know if I care about her anymore, but the urge to do something is too strong. I need her to know that I know how she lied to me, how it was stupid of her to blame me, how I was there for her.

God, I don't know anymore. Should I just leave it?

"Behind every great pirate, there is a great butt."
-Guybrush Threepwood-
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25-03-2015, 06:34 PM
RE: Thinking about writing to an estranged friend
It's hard to say. I would probably let it go, but, that's me. People are constantly in a process of self reinvention, and it doesn't seem like she's on a healthy path. If she has become extremely insecure and attention seeking you could be getting more than you bargain for. On the other hand, if she's simply depressed, hearing form an old friend could be helpful, but, make sure you don't leave you self in a position where you can't bail if she turns out to be a psycho. Be very careful. I know this was probably not of much help, but, you have my sympathy.
Good luck either way.

You can lead a theist to reason, but, you cannot make him think.
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25-03-2015, 06:47 PM
RE: Thinking about writing to an estranged friend
You could reach out with something simple - like an 'I've been thinking about you and remembering good times we had'.

Let her take the next step, or not.

You say that you need closure. You might just have to accept that it is closed.

Good luck.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat
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25-03-2015, 06:51 PM
RE: Thinking about writing to an estranged friend
when I first saw the title I thought it would be a good idea to connect with old friend, even just briefly, that you had grown apart from.....but then you described a completely different scenario. I don't know if I would. If she actually is as messed up as you describe then it seems like it would be more like poking a bees nest with a stick.


I have an estranged brother that I often think of contacting, in the last 5.5yrs both our mom and dad passed away with no word from him, even though he was notified, and nothing in the years since. Its been close to 20 years since I have actually talked to him. In the past, contact with him would always spiral into an even worse relationship. so for the last 20 the plan has been to just not push it so things don't get even worse. I google him a few times a year just to keep up. I think he is living about 3-4 hours from me. sigh. maybe someday.

if I were you, I would reconnect if there was a hope or chance at a peaceful relationship, but not to continue a toxic one. YMMV


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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25-03-2015, 07:46 PM
RE: Thinking about writing to an estranged friend
There is no point in dwelling on the past. It's done. Neither of you are quite the same people you used to be.
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26-03-2015, 02:28 PM
RE: Thinking about writing to an estranged friend
Thanks for the advice everyone. I know it's stupid of me insist on digging up the past for no good reason, but it just makes me more and more upset as time goes by.

I guess I should resist the urge for now until I'm more calm and until I've decided what I should say, if I do end up writing something after all.

"Behind every great pirate, there is a great butt."
-Guybrush Threepwood-
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27-03-2015, 04:03 AM
RE: Thinking about writing to an estranged friend
I'd reach out, but don't get your hopes up. People change with time and drifting apart with time is normal. The friends I have at 46 are generally different than the friends I had at 26. There are some constants but a lot of changes. People I was once very close with I now have almost no contact with. It's not an anger thing, it's just life.

The great thing about social media, and I think the only good thing, is you can contact old friends and check in from time to time. But, you find that some have moved on. It just happens.

So, I'd suggest sending a note saying something like "thinking of you and wanted to see how you are " and see what happens. Maybe she surprises you.

Shackle their minds when they're bent on the cross
When ignorance reigns, life is lost
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27-03-2015, 04:13 AM
RE: Thinking about writing to an estranged friend
I've had one or two friends with whom... things didn't work out. In the end, I decided not contacting them again was for the best. One person I feel some regret towards but... I know if I initiate contact again it will go the same way it always has. Better not to disturb things. No life is perfect, we all have things that we wish might have turned out differently.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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27-03-2015, 04:29 AM
RE: Thinking about writing to an estranged friend
I've had similar experiences, one way or the other. And well, sometimes it's worth it, to write something, but sometimes it's not, definitely not.

Ask yourself, if you and your friend write to her, and she doesn't reply, will you feel even more frustrated than you are now? That could start a short but vicious cycle. Sometimes friendships end in a weird, sad, groan-worthy way, I know something about that. And some of those times, all you can do is accept that and move on.

I'm not going to tell you what to do though, I think you know it better than anyone else here. Choose between what you want to do and what you think it's right to do.

孤独 - The Out Crowd
Life is a flash of light between two eternities of darkness.
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27-03-2015, 05:59 AM
RE: Thinking about writing to an estranged friend
You may be opening up a Pandora's box full of worms. There is a reason the relationship left such a bad taste in your mouth. Are you really ready for more of the same? Maybe use some mouthwash instead. Some people can really get under your skin, and not in a good way. Forgive, forget and good riddance.

If that is too hard to do, if your unfinished business cuts so deep that you feel a strong urge to resolve it, I guess you will have to. But my bet is that things will end badly again. Just going by the way you described her.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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