Poll: Who's with Yahwallah?
I'm converting now!
I'm sticking to my old religion!
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This is my dogma and I'm sticking to it!
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20-05-2011, 01:52 PM
 
Bug This is my dogma and I'm sticking to it!
Yahwallah is eternal, he existed before time itself and by the time the universe was created by him, he was already senile; mentally that is. He created a petting zoo in his attic and within it placed Adam, a creature of so high ambition and egocentricity that thought he was worthy of having control over his life.

But Yahwallah’s plans for Adam were not yet complete. Yahwallah clicked on Adam and selected copy, and then targeted an empty area next to him; he clicked again and selected paste. He photoshopped some of the doppelganger’s details (hair, moobs, penis) and named him Steve. Steve however applied to have his name changed to Eve and asked to be referred to as a she. After much deliberation Yahwallah approved.

Adam was so happy that he now had a friend to play with but soon this innocent playing turned into something obscene and malevolent. Adam and Eve would always change the decoration when left unattended. They were messing with Yahwallah’s highly-commended decorating skills by leaving bite marks on apples and by dropping poop everywhere. Yahwallah was furious!

Yahwallah knew that he had to act before his petting zoo was destroyed by those vulgar creations but he could not do it without an actual provocation. And then, Yahwallah’s mischievous mind came up with a great idea. All he had to do was to invent the feeling of guilt and then make Adam and Eve experience it so that they would pack and leave on their own. That way, Yahwallah thought, he could hit two birds with one stone. Get rid of the insidious decorators and still appear benevolent to them.

Thus, one bright day, Yahwallah called Eve on her mobile and told her that he had caught the ape flu when trying to clean up the petting zoo. Eve was emotionally devastated; she knew that the only way for Yahwallah to be healthy again was to remove Adam and herself from his presence. She packed her favorite leaves in her suitcase, told Adam to say bye to the hares and the wolves (who by the way, back then were the bestest of best friends but then the hare stole the wolf’s gold watch and things went down the drain between them) and she called a cab to take them to this dumpster place called Blueblueshinyball.

Yahwallah was forming the pyramid of sinister planning with his hands as he watched them take off. His revenge was not over yet. He went to bed and set the alarm to start after three thousand years. Eventually he woke up to find out that Adam and Eve were not alive to exact his revenge on. He realized that he had forgotten to add the immortality software during their creation. What a noob mistake, he thought.

His plans of revenge were sinking rapidly; he did not know what to do! Then it hit him! He quickly summoned a sheep-poker named Abraham and brain washed and conditioned him by telling him to kill what he treasured most and by telling him to go and shout that he [Yahwallah] would return one day again to save everyone from something bad (and unspecified).

Yahwallah spent another thousand years snoring and when he woke up, he came up with a better plan. He hired this hooker of ill-repute and told her to get married with the third-year-in-a-row winner of the award of village idiot. The hooker was hesitating but Yahwallah told her that he would reward her by making her the most famous woman in the world one day. His offer was irresistible. She got married, fucked Jacob’s brains out and after only two and a half months she was delivering his son; who was basically the son of a hot stud who had fucked seven months earlier; who she claimed to be the son of god; who was her ticket out of a good stoning to the head.

The creatards of her era were divided after listening to her story. The liberals were in favor of the idea since it was quite innovative whereas the conservatives were against it because it was capable of changing everything. Yahwallah was cackling maniacally while watching all this growing into a bloodshed. He sat back, grabbed a family-sized bucket of angel wings and a cold lemonade and kept watching as one war would follow the next due to his meddling.

Yahwallah did not have to interfere much anymore and he would only occasionally mess things up when what he was watching would become stale. He created Aristotle when scientific thought was developing and told him to spread general crap to discredit the theories of Plato and Socrates who were apparently onto something. Then he created this Peter dude and told him to build a palace in Italy and through it control all the creatards. The second one was actually one of his best ideas. It made the human race experience something called the dark ages later on down the road.

Much later on, Yahwallah was getting too much into twins and thus created two distinct tards to censor two of the most offensive commodities to him at that point. Those two commodities were penises and Jews and the tards he created were as you might have guessed by now, Freud and Hitler respectively. It was actually a very funny act on his side as the human race still recognizes one of them (and some of it even both) as humanitarians. LOL.

Then Yahwallah fast forwarded a bit into the future and created George W. Bush. His plans for this one were greater than the previous ones and for a while, everything went fine. However, George’s intellect ultimately became an obstacle as it appeared to support Darwinism. Some apes had higher IQ scores than him…

-------------------------------------
Yahwallah is currently spending most of his time creating Chinese people; it has become a compulsive hobby of his. He lives in Beverly Hills with his girlfriend Jonathan (I’m not getting into this!) and daily performs miracles by making random pieces of painted wood cry out duck blood. He also makes random pieces of bread and cheese look like Elvis and Xena.

He is actively seeking anti-humanist dictators to train into taking over the world. Applicants need only produce personal statements and be ready to have bullets being shot at them. His personal profile can be found at http://www.alphaandomegaandalargecoke.com . No time-wasters please!
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[+] 1 user Likes Celestus87's post
20-05-2011, 02:21 PM
 
RE: This is my dogma and I'm sticking to it!
What if I don't want to relapse into Christianity or convert? Can I not stick with my old religion and not convert to yours? Or what about the people who were lucky enough to never have had a religion? Your poll needs another option Tongue
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20-05-2011, 02:41 PM
 
RE: This is my dogma and I'm sticking to it!
(20-05-2011 02:21 PM)Zach Wrote:  What if I don't want to relapse into Christianity or convert? Can I not stick with my old religion and not convert to yours? Or what about the people who were lucky enough to never have had a religion? Your poll needs another option Tongue

I'm sorry but it's either Yahwallah's way or the highway! Read your Holy Bibloran. Angry

PS. I should also warn you. Yahwallah sends plagues of squirrels on caffeine to those who question his prophets (a.k.a. me)...! Dodgy
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20-05-2011, 02:52 PM
RE: This is my dogma and I'm sticking to it!
My dogma is not having dogma. Its not a very good meme.

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason and intellect has intended us to forego their use." - Galileo

"Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do." - Voltaire
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23-05-2011, 11:57 AM
RE: This is my dogma and I'm sticking to it!
My Dogma is better than yours I'm afraid.

[Image: dogma.jpg]

Why won't God heal amputees?
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23-05-2011, 12:17 PM
RE: This is my dogma and I'm sticking to it!
You rang?

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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23-05-2011, 12:36 PM
RE: This is my dogma and I'm sticking to it!
I prefer the FSM.

The God excuse: the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument. "God did it." Anything we can't describe must have come from God. - George Carlin

Whenever I'm asked "What if you're wrong?", I always show the asker this video: http://youtu.be/iClejS8vWjo Screw Pascal's wager.
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